Soundbyte (-byte series Book 5)

by Cat Connor

  “Brain function.”

  “You have to wait?”

  Leon nodded. “Yes, until we’re quite certain the drugs are no longer causing this.”

  “It hasn’t been long enough?”

  Kurt shook his head. “We’re giving her every chance, Ellie. She’s young and right now we’re hoping that’s enough.”

  “Can she hear us?” I said Leon.

  “We don’t know. It would be best to assume she can,” he replied. “I didn’t think you were going to show. Kurt says you were gone half an hour.”

  That didn’t make sense. Half an hour? I’d only just left for a walk. More like ten minutes. Half an hour, my ass.

  “Where was I for that long?” I didn’t mean to say that aloud and judging by the looks my question received I should’ve tried harder to check my thoughts.

  Both Leon and Kurt opted to ignore the question. I knew it would bite me on the ass at some point in the not too distant future.

  Whatever was happening in front of me was not registering the way it should. I knew that. But it didn’t help. Seeing Joey fade into the wall above her bed. Seeing Carla turn her head and try to smile. Didn’t help.

  “Dad, where’s Joey?”

  I knew by the pause where Joey was. I needed to hear it. I needed him to say the words.

  “Joey died while you were gone. I called Kurt and told him.”

  That was what the last phone call was. “Did his parents get here in time?”

  “They arrived about five minutes after they called time of death. He was already gone. They failed him for the last time.”

  Dad said those words. They failed him for the last time.

  He echoed what I felt about Carla. I failed her. I failed Joey too. I never saw this coming. I should’ve been able to save them.

  “Where’s Rowan?” I looked around the room expecting to see him emerge from the white walls.

  He didn’t.

  Of course he didn’t. He wasn’t dead.

  Grab reality with both hands. It occurred to me at that moment that I was going to need to hold on to reality a lot tighter than ever before. Processing information was becoming a nightmare.

  “He went out to call the band,” Dad said. “He’ll be back in a few minutes. You know, Ellie, he sat here while you were getting some air.” He wiped his hands over his tired face. “I’ve given you a bit of flack over dating a rock star, but kid, I’m seeing another side of him tonight.” Dad touched my hand, his warm hand enveloping mine. “I think I now see what you have always seen. The real Rowan Grange.” He squeezed my hand. “He has a lot of love to give.”

  An uncomfortable feeling loomed that my father was about to admit he was wrong. Wrong? Unbelievable.

  He was still talking. “Good thing you didn’t listen to me and ditch him for Noel.”

  I smiled. Dad was trying to lighten my mood a little, best if he thought he’d succeeded. I wasn’t about to leave Rowan for Noel. Not because the idea was repulsive or anything. I liked Noel. He is a friend, a colleague, a lot older than me, and trained by my father. Four strikes.

  Ever since Lexington, things haven’t been great between me and Rowan. I never got over how I forgot who he was. Sure Rowan’s fun and he’s easy to be with. But when it came down to it, a lot of what happened with Arbab and Lexington was because of my involvement with Rowan. His management treated me like the devil but he was the one putting my life and Carla’s in danger, because he was Rowan Grange, rock star, who attracted a lot of attention and a good deal of it was bad. I needed someone who understood my life and who didn’t get freaky over the Glock on my hip. He was getting there. He was at least trying.

  It’s my life. Time I owned it.

  “I want to check my messages, I’ll be right outside the door,” I said. I felt this overwhelming compulsion to check my voice mail. It made no sense. I could tell by the looks I received when I said I was leaving the room that no one thought it made sense. At least no one demanded an explanation.

  I leaned on the glass doors just outside her room. Using my cell phone, I accessed the home phone voice mail system. Seven new voice mail messages on my private line and four on the house phone.

  I listened to the private ones first from newest to oldest, they’d all arrived since I got home from work. I remembered clearing my messages before finding Carla.

  Six of the messages were from Julia, all telling me how much Rowan loved her and how they were getting married in six months. I deleted them. This was not the time to deal with one of Rowan’s overzealous fans. The seventh message was from Sean O’Hare.

  “Ellie, call me. I have the DNA results you wanted.”

  I banged the back of my head against the wall. He was here at the hospital with everyone else. I wanted those results. Could I deal with the hell that could rain down with the results right now?

  The house phone line had four waiting messages.

  First two were from Joey’s parents. First, they weren’t coming to see their son and then they were. And they arrived too late. They were ass-hats.

  The next one was from Noel Gerrard. He’d been trying to reach me, wanted to know if I’d go to dinner with him. He pointed out he was no longer a LEO, if that helped to get me to the dinner table.

  Nope.

  A new message arrived while I was listening. I skipped to it. Iain Campbell announced himself.

  “Before I go, I have the proof you wanted – I doubt you still need it, but it’s on its way to you at the hospital. Tierney told me about your daughter.” He paused. There was hollow air as if he didn’t want to say what he couldn’t avoid. “I’ve sent two envelopes, the second is personal. Your choice if you view the contents. All the best, Agent Conway.”

  He knew I was at the hospital.

  Yeah, that was my take-away from that message.

  I pressed the button to retrieve the last message and that was when I heard Carla’s voice.

  I listened. “Mommy, I’m so sorry. I love you.”

  I slid down the wall. My fingers pressed the button and I heard her voice all over again. Again. Again. Again.

  On the fifth replay, I listened to the time stamp. She’d called the home phone just after I got home from work. I searched my mind. Where was Dad when I arrived home? In the laundry room, scrubbing his hands after trimming trees out back. I didn’t go into the kitchen where the main phone sits on the counter. I went right up to my room to take off my gun and checked messages on my private line. I never went to check for messages on the main phone in the kitchen.

  A shadow fell over me, and a hand reached down. I took it. He helped me up. I gave Rowan my phone and pressed replay.

  He wrapped an arm around me and pulled me close while he listened. I could hear the faint murmur of her voice. It stopped. The mechanical robotic voice of the message service kicked in. Rowan listened to the instructions. He looked at me while he pressed the appropriate number to save the message.

  He handed my phone back.

  Both his arms wound around me and held tight.

  A few minutes later he said, “Come on, we’re going back in. While we wait, let’s get the people waiting out there to come and sit with her.”

  I nodded.

  People needed a chance to say goodbye to her.

  “She’s already gone,” I whispered. “Her body hasn’t figured it out yet.”

  “We don’t know that Ellie, not yet.”

  We sat next to her lifeless body willing her to fight, to breathe, to remember how it felt to be treasured.

  Cold crept over me. I shivered. Rowan snaked an arm around my shoulders and hugged me close.

  “You’re freezing.” He slid off his leather jacket and wrapped it around my shoulders.

  “Thank you.”

  He smiled.

  His jacket smelled like his cologne. Warm, musky, with just a little hint of promise. I figured it was wrong to think like that considering the circumstances. He was right there next to me in his s
hirtsleeves. Leaning forward with his elbows resting almost on his knees. His expression was hard to read. I knew Rowan well enough to know he didn’t worry about things that were out of his control but I still couldn’t read his expression. Sitting wrapped in Rowan Grange’s jacket was a movie-worthy moment. If this were a movie, there’d be the possibility of a happy ending.

  I bumped my shoulder into his. He put his arm around me.

  “Someone once told me he’d lay down his life for me but he didn’t think I’d let him,” I said. “He was right. That’s unnecessary macho bullshit.” A tiny bit of incensed annoyance crept into my voice. “Like I can’t shoot straight.”

  “What happened to him?”

  “He’s dead.”

  He never flinched. “Did you?”

  A little smile dabbled in the edges of my voice. “No, it wasn’t me.” Unless you can kill someone twice. “All that shit means is he couldn’t live with his decisions and the ramifications of whatever situation he was in. Dying for someone, that puts it all on them. No one wants to carry that.”

  Rowan’s breath brushed my hair. “Are you trying to say something here?”

  “If you’re a LEO or a soldier, laying down your life for anyone else is par for the course, serve and protect and all that jazz. It’s noble. I have no hesitation in stepping in front of a bullet for the President or anyone in my team. But the fallout is a real bitch. Being the one left behind sucks.”

  And I am so sick of being the one left behind.

  “Ellie.” His arm tightened around me, pulling me closer. “I’m so fucking sorry that you’ve lived with that for so long.”

  It didn’t matter how hard I swallowed or blinked, tears slipped down my face. “Why did she do it? Why did they do it?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “I want to understand but I just don’t.” A sob escaped. “I thought she was doing so well, until recently. But you know, I thought she was happy and knew how much we loved her.”

  “She knows how much you love her, how much we all love her.”

  “Tell me she is going to wake up and that everything will be like it was.”

  I felt his lips on my forehead. “I wish I could.”

  Lee came in and bent down to me.

  “Chicky, okay if I hang for a bit with the kid?”

  Pushing away tears and hoping my voice was steady, I replied, “Of course.”

  I watched for a few minutes as Lee did his best at remaining positive for Carla, and for me too. It was a whole new kind of hell. I didn’t much care for it.

  Kurt came back into the room. He checked Carla and spoke briefly to Lee then crouched down in front of me. “You holding up okay?”

  “Yeah.”

  There were manila envelopes in his hand. “You’re not going through this alone, remember that.”

  I wiped my eyes and smiled at him.

  “I’m okay.”

  “A courier just gave these envelopes to the nurse outside. I thought I’d bring them in for you.” He handed me two manila envelopes.

  “Thanks.”

  Rowan’s arm gave me shoulder a squeeze then slipped away.

  I looked at the writing on the envelopes. One said it was information for Delta A, the other said it was for my eyes only.

  I untwisted the string on the envelope for Delta and pulled out the papers. After a quick scan, I showed Kurt. He nodded.

  “We didn’t really need it in the end,” he said.

  “Nope, but it’s good to have. Backs up everything we found.”

  Kurt stood up and walked over to where Lee was by Carla’s bed.

  I pushed the papers back into the envelope and opened the second one. I peered into the yellow envelope and saw photographs. My hand delved in and pulled up the first photo. I didn’t take it all the way out there was no need. I could see it. I nudged Rowan. He looked into the envelope.

  I sucked in air through my closed teeth. I didn’t need this shit now.

  All kinds of rage grew, pushing everything else I felt away. I swallowed it all and went in for another picture. They grew worse. Rowan was at the autism function and he wasn’t alone. The woman seemed familiar. I could feel my mind whirring, images flashed past at an alarming rate. One image froze. The woman I’d seen at the Grange concert, the one in the front, in hysterical tears.

  It was her.

  I bet her name was Julia.

  “Who is this?”

  “Julia. She works for the Autism Foundation that asked me to play at the fundraiser. Who sent you the pictures?” Rowan didn’t sound troubled.

  “A friend,” I said. “This woman is probably the one who has been leaving me messages at home.”

  “Messages?”

  “Uh huh. Messages telling me to leave you alone and how you and she are going to get married.”

  “Jesus, she seemed so normal.” He slumped back his chair. “She seemed normal, professional, nice. She asked me out for coffee. I declined.”

  “You look pretty cozy in these pictures.” I pulled one out and handed it to him. “You look attentive.”

  There was a voice in my head telling me that’s how he looked no matter who he was talking to. This is Rowan working. This is him being him. I couldn’t explain the anger I felt.

  “Don’t Ellie, not here, not now.”

  “She left me messages,” I said.

  In front of me I saw Kurt and Lee’s backs. They were talking in low conversational tones. No speech bubbles hanging in the air to tell me what they were talking about. I turned to look at Rowan. He leaned forward, his feet flat on the floor, and his elbows resting on his knees. He lifted his head and looked at me. All I saw was pain.

  “Tell me you didn’t lead her on.”

  “I didn’t. I never would.”

  “Have you got a pen?” I said to Rowan as I stood up. “I need space and to write.”

  “Yes, and a notebook.”

  “Can I borrow both?”

  “Yes. Check the inside pocket of my jacket you’re wearing.” I did and found the notebook and pen.

  “Do you want me to come with you?” Rowan said.

  “No.”

  I walked over to Kurt and whispered in his ear, “I want to be alone.”

  Kurt nodded.

  The words in my mind pulsated on a pale blue canvas.

  My haste to get out the door didn’t get me far. I needed to write the words that dripped off the blue. Leaning on the wall, I dropped the envelope on the floor and started writing in Rowan’s notebook. Words I’d seen a long time ago but which now felt a desperate need to see daylight.

  In the Dark of the Night.

  The moon is rising in the sky –

  darkness swallows me. I wonder why.

  There’s nothing left for me to say

  the wind has carried my words away.

  A shimmering star lights a far off land

  and somewhere someone writes names in the sand.

  Blackness flows in the deep of night.

  Magnified violence comes to light:

  All has gone and all that has been

  comes back to haunt me in a dream.

  Promises broken and lives are shattered –

  how I wish tonight that none of it mattered.

  Mist from the river rolls down the street,

  and in the still of the night, I hear my heart beat.

  Streetlights put out an eerie glow,

  illuminating fog.

  It’s a horror show.

  Somewhere someone learns to live again

  and I wish tonight that this wasn’t my pain.

  I read the words I’d written. They stood still on the white notebook pages. Cold, blue, motionless. I closed the notebook, trapping them forever in a white paper prison. Maybe they didn’t need daylight after all.

  I shoved the notebook and pen into the pocket of Rowan’s jacket. I gathered the envelope from the floor and went to the waiting room.

  Caine was drinking c
offee. He looked up as I walked into the room.

  “Don’t mind me,” I said. “I just need … a miracle.”

  He said nothing.

  I dropped the envelope on the coffee table. Caine stood, walked to the coffee pot on a counter that ran the length of the room. He handed me a coffee.

  “It’s not great, but it’s wet, hot, and may have caffeine.”

  “Thanks.” I took the cup.

  “Any change?”

  “No.”

  “You want to talk?”

  “I don’t think so. I just had to get out of the room before I did something or said something stupid.” I pushed the envelope on the table at him. “Take a look.”

  He did.

  “And? Come on Ellie, this isn’t about your rock star boyfriend chatting up a pretty girl.”

  “Her name is Julia. I had a lot of phone messages from someone called Julia who warned me off Rowan and said they were getting married.”

  “What did Rowan say?”

  “That she seemed normal when he met her at a fundraiser.”

  “They always do, don’t they?”

  “Yeah.”

  I finished my coffee and set the cup on the table.

  “Where’s Simon?”

  I went blank. I didn’t know where my Dad was.

  “I dunno.”

  Caine sighed, his lower lip twitched. “I think I heard him and Aidan talking about going to the chapel.”

  That sounded right.

  “Do you want me to walk you down there?”

  “No.”

  “You sure?”

  “Yes. Praying for her soul is not going to help.”

  “Might help you.”

  I choose not to respond to that. There was this thought that I’d been trying to hide from, a horrible twisted hangover from my Catholic upbringing. Suicide is a sin.

  “Caine, can I have a few minutes alone?” I said.

  “Yes.” He nodded at me as he eased himself out of the armchair he’d been sitting in. “I’ll be in the chapel.”

  He pulled the door shut on his way out.

  I spent a few minutes trying to block out everything I felt, but I knew I’d failed when I saw those photos in my hands again.

  Coffee. The crazy woman asked him out for coffee and that led to threats left on my home phone? I get that people can be stupid but that made no sense. How did she make the quantum leap from him turning down a coffee date, to her saying she was marrying Rowan?