***
Chapter 12
The last month has been hectic for Clarissa, but she welcomes the opportunity to come home and visit with her family during Easter. Roberta’s prognosis is excellent; Junior is a perfect match to everyone’s relief. Clarissa is just thankful that one of the family members could provide Roberta with the gift of life. Roberta’s doctor stated that even though Junior is a perfect match there is no guarantee that Roberta’s body would accept his marrow. After the bone marrow replacement surgery, Roberta required several months of radiation treatments. Thank the Lord she seems to be on the mend.
On the day of her arrival in Orlando, her Aunt Helen, presses her to talk with her mother and Roberta. She wants Clarissa to reconcile with them. Clarissa doesn't try to avoid her aunt, but she could tell that Aunt Helen has plenty to say. “Hey Aunt Helen how are you today?”
Helen cannot contain her disappointment in Clarissa. “Rissa you haven’t felt comfortable with your family since finding out that Raymond isn’t your real father. You have to talk to your mother, tell her all of the things that have been festering inside of you since you were a child. Until you do, you’re going to be unhappy.”
Clarissa sighed; sometimes her aunt could be like a dog with a bone. “Aunt Helen, I'm here for a few days I don’t want to start any trouble.”
“You need to understand that Henrietta is also in pain? She’s been carrying a load of guilt for thirty years, and it’s time that she put it to rest. I forgave her years ago, now it’s time for her to forgive herself.”
“Well, maybe you two need to get together and talk.”
“I don’t think that your mother will listen to anything I have to say, but maybe a conversation with you can relieve her mind.”
“Okay, Aunt Helen you win. Mother’s in the family room with Junior and Roberta. I’ll ask her if she will talk with me and if she refuses I’m never going to try again.”
“If Henrietta refuses to talk with you, I promise that I’ll never bother you about working your troubles out again. Is that fair?”
“You have a deal.” Clarissa walked into the family room and asked Roberta and Junior to leave while she talks with their mother.
Henrietta watches her oldest child closely. Clarissa reminded her of all the shameful things that she wants to forget. Helen has to remind herself repeatedly that the circumstances of Clarissa’s birth weren’t Clarissa’s fault. “I’m glad that you have finally come to talk to me Clarissa. We spent so many years pretending that there were no problems between us.”
“Daddy and Aunt Helen said that I needed to hear about the situation from your point of view. Aunt Helen forced me realize that our family will never truly heal until we seal this breach between us.”
“Please sit down beside me Clarissa, the things I have to tell you are not pleasant to hear. You’re right; it’s time for us to heal the breach. When I was growing up, I was so jealous of Helen. She was smarter than I was, and she was my parents’ favorite child.”
“Why did you think that?”
“We may be identical twins, but our personalities are totally different. Whatever Helen did was okay with my parents, she was so well behaved unlike me. I didn’t receive the attention I thought I deserved, so I deliberately did things to get my parents’ attention.”
“How come you never told your parents how you felt?”
Henrietta grabbed Clarissa’s hands and held them gently. “Because like you, I didn’t think that anything could be resolved by talking to them.”
Clarissa regarded her mother with a deep understanding. “So you took out your frustrations on Aunt Helen.”
“I’m not proud to admit it, but that’s what I did. Whenever Helen won awards at school, I would try to belittle her accomplishments. Whatever Helen had, I tried to take away from her. I knew how serious her relationship with James Wilson was to her, and I tried everything in the book to make him notice me.”
Clarissa tried to keep an open mind about the past. “Why didn’t you just try to establish your own accomplishments?”
“Because I was so full of hatred that the only thing I wanted to accomplish was hurting Helen. The night that I told Helen I slept with James, I wanted to die. Helen broke down and cried and I stood ashamed of myself. I had hurt her more than I had intended.”
Clarissa sat there looking at her mother as if she were seeing her for the first time. She looked older than Aunt Helen did. Her Mother had more gray in her hair, and she looked as if the years have dragged her down. “How did you manage to fool James Wilson?”
“Your Aunt Helen was such a tomboy. She never wore makeup, and her hair was pulled back into a ponytail. I dressed like her that night, copied her hairstyle and went to meet him. James just thought I was nervous because it was our first time together. I think he had an inkling I wasn’t Helen right after we finished having sex. He wanted to hold me, and I pulled out of his arms and dropped my little bomb.”
"Why didn’t you get what you wanted when you slept with James Wilson?”
“It was then that I realized that Helen wasn’t to blame for our parents’ behavior. Lack of love and devotion from your parents is not your siblings fault. I was dating Raymond by the time I found out I was pregnant. For the first time in my life, I was in love and because of my actions; my chance for happiness was on the verge of being ruined.”
“When I told Raymond what I did to Helen and James, he didn’t believe me at first. I assured him that it was true and that I was carrying James’s child.” Henrietta wiped the tears from her face with a tissue. “I didn’t see Raymond for a couple of weeks after I told him that I was pregnant. Then one day he came to my parents’ house and asked my father's for permission to marry me. Raymond told me that he didn’t want to live without me.”
“You found a man who truly loved you Mother, why couldn’t you forgive yourself enough to be happy.”
Henrietta took a tissue and wiped Clarissa’s face. “I know that I haven’t treated you the way a mother should treat her child. Raymond and I were delighted when you were born. Raymond loved you no matter what; he used to carry you around wherever we went. The older you got the more you resembled James. I started to resent you, by then Junior was a toddler, and I was pregnant with Roberta. Raymond lavished you with attention, so I ignored you and focused on the other children.”
“So are you saying that you never hated me just the circumstances of my birth.”
“Baby I never hated you! I hated myself for a long time, and you were the reminder of why I hated myself. Helen recognized my destructiveness right away. Do you know she even offered to raise you? I was all for it; however, Raymond refused to give you up. He told me that if I didn’t have enough love to spare you that he had more than enough. By then, I didn’t realize what a monster I created in Roberta. She was so much like me that I was flattered at first. Then I began to see in her the same destructive hatred that I had for Helen. I didn’t want a repeat of history, so I thought that if I gave Roberta more attention she wouldn’t resent you as much.”
“Daddy and Aunt Helen thought you were trying to ignore me, so they tried to make it up to me.”
“Unfortunately that’s what happened. Roberta didn’t tell me what happened between Lawrence and her until a few minutes before she made her announcement to the family. I felt like such a failure because I was responsible for all the pain you’ve experienced from your childhood to the present. I saw what could happen because I’ve already been there. It took a long time before I forgave myself for what I did to Helen and James. I’m so sorry baby, can you ever forgive me for all the terrible things I’ve done to you.” For the first time in years, Henrietta hugged her oldest child with all the love she had in her being.”
Clarissa is taken by surprise when her mother hugged her. She quickly hugs her back, thinking of all the times she wanted to hug her mother not knowing how she would respond. “Please don’t hate me anymore Mother.”
“I neve
r hated you baby girl, and I’ll prove it to you if it takes the rest of my life.”
“Where do we go from here?”
“I hope one day that you'll have fond memories of your family. I know why you don’t visit us for the holidays. You give us that same tired excuse every year. You were too busy or visiting Lawrence’s family.”
Clarissa smiles at her Mother. “Well this year it will be the truth. I live in Chicago now, and I like it a lot.”
“Why did you move so far away? I hear that it’s pretty rough, are you sure that you want to stay up there?”
Clarissa is touched by the genuine concern in her mother’s voice. “Don’t worry Mother, the company I work for is on the cutting edge of security products and I love what I'm doing. I'm essentially my own boss, and I set my hours.”
“You have good judgment, and I’m sure you’re successful at whatever you do. I could use some help in the kitchen. I have a peach cobbler and two sweet potato pies to make. You can fill me in on your job.”
Clarissa kissed her mother on the cheek. “I’d be delighted to tell you about my job and all the expectations that I have for the future. I would love it if you and Daddy would come visit me in Chicago. We have to hurry; I noticed that you didn’t put the brownies away. Junior has probably eaten them all up by now.”
Henrietta beat Clarissa into the kitchen. “That boy better not touch my brownies or I’ll slap him right upside his head.”
Clarissa hasn’t laughed like this in years, for once in her life maybe she and her mother could have a loving relationship.
***
After dinner, Clarissa decides to spend the rest of the evening upstairs with Roberta. She is still weak from her battle with cancer; however, her appetite has improved considerably. “Well Roberta what do you want to do, play cards or watch television?”
“I’d rather talk to you if you don’t mind.”
“Okay, what do you want to talk about?” Clarissa said while moving her chair closer to Roberta’s bed.
“I would like for us to be sisters. I want to have a relationship with you that don't involve my jealousy.”
Clarissa stared at the pattern on the comforter covering Roberta. “I don’t want to continue our past relationship either. It certainly would be gratifying to move our relationship forward. Mother opened my eyes to some things when I spoke with her this afternoon. She cleared up something’s that has been plaguing me all my life. I cannot tell you how much time I wasted thinking about my painful childhood.”
Roberta’s eyes watered as she listened to Clarissa speak, for she knows that she is behind Clarissa's painful memories. “Do you think you can forgive me for my part of your painful childhood? There were times when I did things just to hurt you. I'm jealous of your close relationship with Daddy and Junior. I especially envy the closeness between you and Aunt Helen. Lawrence doesn't mean anything to me, in case you're wondering if we're still seeing each other."
Clarissa lifts up Roberta’s chin, “You need to make peace with yourself. I’ve forgiven you for everything, just as I hope you can forgive me.”
Roberta's brow furrowed. “Forgive you for what?”
“Forgive me for not taking the time to talk to you about the problems between us. I use to see myself as the victim. I never tried to do anything to solve the situations that were between us. I should have given you the ass kicking that you royally deserved, and you would have learned to respect what is mine. I don’t think we have any problems. Everything in our family revolved around Mother’s secret; therefore, we never got a chance to be a family.”
Roberta sticks her hand out to Clarissa. She holds her breath for what seemed like an eternity before Clarissa clasped her hand. “I remember Mother telling me that I was her spitting image. At the time, I accepted this as a compliment. It has taken me years to realize that she tried to warn me that she has been in my position. I’ve been on a self-destruction kick for so long, that I didn’t realize how much I wanted to live until my diagnosis.”
Clarissa clutched Roberta's hand realizing that she hasn't touched her sister in that manner since they were children. “Why didn’t you tell us about the cancer?”
“Denial. I continued living as usual, and the walls crashed down around me. I decided that this time I would just keep my problems to myself and spare my family any additional pain. Enough about me, Mother tells me how much you like your job in Chicago.”
“Yes, I’m terribly excited about my job in Chicago, there's so much to see and do. When you feel better, I want you to come visit me.”
“I would like that. I’ve been wondering why you work if you don’t have to?"
"What do you mean?"
"Selling Lariat turned you into a millionaire overnight.”
Her net worth improved tremendously by selling Lariat Games, but she would never share that information with Roberta. Clarissa giggled aloud. “I hate to disillusion you, but I’m not rich. After I paid off lawyer's fees and taxes, I have a little nest egg. Besides, I would die of boredom if I couldn't work. I bet you can’t wait to get back to teaching.”
“You’re right I love my job; if everything stays on schedule I may be able to start substituting during the fall semester. Do you think you would like to run your own company again?”
“I don’t have the drive to run a business. I think a lot of people like me have been taken to the cleaners because we have no business sense.”
Roberta snorted. “Don't be too hard on yourself. Before the buy-out, Lariat operated successfully for five years.”
“I’m being honest. I wanted to create new video games. I didn’t want to worry about budgeting, overhead costs, payroll, insurance, taxes, and all the many things that go along with running a business. I'm one of the lucky ones; my employee's jobs were safe and selling the company expanded my horizons, putting me into my present position. I’m glad for the experience because it has shown me what I don’t want to do for the rest of my life.”
Clarissa could tell that Roberta is getting tired she stayed with her for another half an hour until Roberta dozed off. Clarissa stayed in the room thinking about Julian Ross. She remembered her conversation with him about children. She would love to adopt Micah and become the mother of all his future children. She's in love with Julian but would a one sided marriage be enough for her. She planned to marry Lawrence knowing that she didn't love him. Whenever she decided to marry, she wouldn't settle for a marriage without love this time around.
She realized that speaking honestly with her mother and Roberta has lifted a burden from her shoulders. For the first time in years, Clarissa feels appreciated and thankful for her family. Aunt Helen used to tell her all the time that the world will throw you away, but your family will always be there to lift you up. Now she finally understands what Aunt Helen is trying to say.
Being around her family is a sharp reminder of one more thing she has to do before leaving town. When the whole family gets together for Easter dinner, they truly have something to be thankful. Clarissa would love to welcome Julian and Micah into her family. She has a few more days in Orlando to reminisce with her family and create new memories.
When she gets back to Chicago, she's going after her man. Life is too short to waste, and she has wasted enough time where Julian is concerned. Julian will be out of town most of this week, but he's picking her up for a party on Friday. "Oh what a party it is going to be."
***
Chapter 13
Clarissa leaves her parents' house early Saturday morning determined to put her curiosity to rest. Not wanting to hurt her parents' feelings, she didn't tell anyone in her family where she's going. Finally, she has the nerve to visit James Wilson's parents, more accurately her grandparents. After giving Clarissa the Wilson's address, her Aunt Helen wanted to come with her, but this is something she has to do by herself. Sitting in her car, Clarissa watches whom she believes to be her grandmother puttering around in her yard. The simple moments of her grandmothe
r soothed her frayed nerves. She checked the clock on the dash, confirming that she's been sitting there for more than an hour. "Well it's now or never." Clarissa gets out of her car and approaches the Wilson's home.
Etta Mae Wilson worked hard pulling the weeds from her flowerbed. No matter how often she pulled weeds, they seemed to grow back faster. She didn’t mind because idle hands are the devil’s workshop, and it gives her something to do until spring break is over. Being lunch monitor at the grammar school down the street is a excellent way to occupy her time. She loved interacting with the children it keeps her young and makes her feel alive.
“Excuse me, could you tell which house the Wilson’s live?”
Etta takes her time standing before walking towards the young woman with the singsong voice. The closer she gets to the young woman; she realizes that the woman is her grandchild Clarissa. “Oh child!" She stepped closer, afraid that Clarissa would go away. “I prayed to God for years that you would come to us.”
"Do you know me?" Clarissa opened the gate and looked into her grandmother's weathered face. She could feel tears in her eyes as she spied the glimpses of her grandmother's snow-white hair sticking out of her hat. Her mahogany skin and chocolate eyes seemed to beg for acceptance.
"I would recognize you anywhere, you're James's daughter. Child you certainly have your father's eyes. Etta Mae couldn't control herself any longer she takes off her yard gloves and wraps her arms around Clarissa giving her a lengthy hug for all the years she missed.
Etta Mae practically drags Clarissa into the house, determined that her husband Jim would see her before she vanishes. "Jim! Jim! Come here quick!" She closed the door and leaned against it as if she could keep Clarissa from leaving.
Jim Wilson hurried into the hallway afraid that his wife has fallen. "Woman what's going on...?" He's at a loss for words when he sees Clarissa standing next to his wife. "Oh Jesus!"
Etta Mae grabs Clarissa's arm and tugs her into the sitting room. "Didn't I tell you that she would come?"
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