by R W Sowrider
Why does the miniature tiger in Verixion bite Rowen’s testicle?
A) Reproductive organs are great sources of protein.
B) Foreshadowing.
C) Nature vs. nurture.
D) Tasty balls.
Three times in this book, Mr. Sowrider chooses to use the word “snicker” over the equally acceptable “snigger.” Why?
A) “Snicker” sounds funnier than “snigger.”
B) Symbolism.
C) Not only is Mr. Sowrider terrified of using the n-word himself, he’s scared to death of being responsible for one of his readers inadvertently saying it. Even just in their head.
D) In deference to the popular candy bar Snickers which contains the light of the world: Nougat.
What are multiple choice tests most effective at measuring?
A) One’s knowledge.
B) One’s ability to barely recall the answer to a question when it’s one of four possible answers.
C) Metaphor.
D) One’s ability to do well on multiple choice quizzes.
Suggested Essay Topics:
How did Mr. Sowrider imply that Rowen is a Christ-like figure? And don’t just write, “He didn’t.” Even if you don’t think he did, fuck, even if it’s the case that he in fact did not, I want at least a page on this shit. And no double-spacing or super wide margins either. Honestly, stop embarrassing your parents and write a fucking thoughtful-sounding essay, no matter how much bullshit is entailed. How the fuck do you think they got into college?!
Overall, does Negotiations with God put forth a positive and uplifting view of humanity, or one of darkness and pessimism? Those are your only two options. It is absolutely forbidden to go with, “A little bit of Column A and a little bit of Column B.”
Write an essay on how unsightly booger moles are and how easily they can be removed by even a moderately talented doctor. I guess that’s really all that needs to be said so you can just go ahead and copy-paste that first sentence.
Research the life of Mr. Sowrider, then write an essay explaining how his experiences as a hunter, bare-knuckle boxer, bootlegger, lover, cardiologist, oil tycoon, chess grandmaster, and cold-blooded assassin influenced him when he wrote Negotiations with God .
List some of the literary techniques used by Mr. Sowrider to evoke and maintain the novel’s awesomeness. Email them to Mr. Sowrider so that he understands what the fuck Ms. Michiko Kakutani is talking about when she interviews him for the New York Times.
Write an informative essay that identifies and analyzes Rowen’s internal and external conflicts. Keep in mind that we are not fucking around here. It seriously needs to be informative. We’re all tired of your bullshit essays with absolutely no illumination whatsoever. Honestly, your essays are the literary equivalent of empty calories. Get your shit together already!
Goodreads
For those of you on Goodreads , here’s a link to the Negotiations with God page to mark it complete and leave that glowing 5-star review. Domo arigato!
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Other Books by John Box/Rowen Boozewell/R.W. Sowrider
Memoirs of a Douchebag chronicles the adventures of John Box as he spends a year traveling around Japan, teaching English, and discovering himself—nightly. Through this life-changing journey, John comes to such revelations as: he hates working, and kids, and food that makes liver spots drenched in mucous seem like crème brulee. A hilarious parody of journeys of self-discovery. (Ages 18 & over)
American MaleWhore in Tokyo – A red-blooded American horndog. A sleazy Japanese host club. His new job comes with fantastic benefits. If you like low-brow humor and fun-loving, narcissistic characters, then you’ll love this raunchy comedy. (Ages 18 & over)
The Stars’ Fault – A 10-year old fighting cancer. A space captain fighting for his species. Can they conquer their enemies before it’s too late? This 66-page novella is a heartbreaking and humorous fantasy tale. If you like space battles, gut-wrenching emotion, and surprising twists, then you’ll love this madcap story.
About R.W. Sowrider
R.W. Sowrider is the pen of Rowen Boozewell which is the pen name of John Box which is probably the pen name of some dude with a horrible-sounding name and/or without the gonads to associate his actual name with all the filth that he writes. Or she. It totally could be a she. Probably not an ‘it’ though.
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[1] Click the link for reference photos .
[2] Click link here and below for reference photos.