Zeus Grants Stupid Wishes: A No-Bullshit Guide to World Mythology

by O'Brien, Cory

  so Eiti starts doin’ it

  and pretty soon a big-ass fly lands on his hand and stings the shit out of it

  but Eiti does not care. He is going crazy with that bellows.

  and Brokk makes what he was trying to make.

  He brings it to Loki and is like “Okay so we all love boars, right?

  But you know what would make a boar even better?

  GOLD.

  GOLD MAKES EVERYTHING BETTER.

  I AM A DWARF AND I COVERED THIS FUCKING BOAR IN GOLD.”

  Okay, look, guys, I am just telling the story.

  It is not fair to apply our modern conception of racism to a bygone past, okay?

  I forget what the term for that is, but don’t do it.

  Anyway the filthy dwarves still need to make two more things

  so Brokk decides to cut out the middleman and just put some gold directly on his forge

  and he’s like “Hey, Eiti remember what you did with the boar?

  Just do exactly that, because it is totally crucial.”

  so Eiti starts working the bellows and lo and behold

  the same fucking fly shows up and bites him on his NECK

  but Eiti just toughs it out and keeps on pumpin’

  and Brokk finishes the thing he was making and brings it out to Loki

  like “Check this gold ring I made.

  I call it Draupnir.

  But see the thing is, this is just one gold ring.

  Do you think that is enough gold? I don’t think that is enough gold

  so what I made it do, is every ninth night

  it shits out EIGHT IDENTICAL RINGS.

  There will be SO MANY RINGS.

  I can melt them down for their gold

  and use them to make more rings

  that drop out MORE RINGS.

  I HAVE CREATED INFINITE GOLD.

  This is the dream of every dwarf, because we love gold so much.

  Did you know we invented rings so we could have sex with gold?”

  Okay, okay, hold on, guys.

  If you have any dwarf friends

  maybe you should just have them not read this myth

  if they have read this far it is already too late

  we’re pretty much done with the gold part and you have lost a friend.

  Anyway, then Brokk puts a big-ass chunk of iron on the forge

  And Eiti starts pumping that bellows

  and then this SAME FUCKING FLY comes back and bites his eyelids. His EYELIDS.

  But Eiti still just keeps on pumping

  until blood from the gaping wounds this fly has inflicted trickles down into his eye

  and he takes one hand off the bellows to wipe away all the blood

  and the bellows stops and everything is RUINED.

  It was supposed to be a hammer called Mjolnir

  but now it is a hammer called Mjolnir WITH A KINDA SHORT HANDLE

  and Brokk is like “Dang maybe I won’t get Loki’s head after all.”

  But he still bundles up all the shit and takes it to Asgard because quitting is for pussies.

  And in Asgard all the gods are like “HOLY DAMN

  YOU MADE A RING THAT SHITS OUT MORE RINGS.

  YOU DO NOT HAVE TO BE A DWARF TO APPRECIATE INFINIGOLD.

  Oh, and the boar is pretty nice too.

  It could use more gold, maybe.”

  And then Thor is like “Guys, this hammer is so sweet. It hits anything I throw it at

  and then it always comes back to my hand.

  I mean the handle is a little bit short but that doesn’t keep it from NEVER MISSING.

  Guys, do you REALIZE how many frost giants we can kill with this?

  This is the best Norse Christmas EVER.”

  and Brokk is like “Looks like I won the bet, Loki

  I am going to dip your head in gold and then probably fuck it.

  That’s what I do, because I’m a dwarf.”

  Look, I lied when I said the gold part was over.

  If you had your dwarf friend just keep reading because you thought the damage was done

  then I am really sorry, man

  but you need taller friends.

  So Loki starts running as fast as he can

  but Thor just got that hammer that can hit anything 100 percent of the time

  so he just kind of knocks Loki out and brings him back

  and Loki is like “WAIT

  I promised you my head but I never promised you the neck it rests on!

  So you can’t cut it off. HAH.”

  So Brokk just sews Loki’s mouth shut instead

  which is probably the best thing for everybody.

  So what we have learned today

  is that dwarves give the best birthday gifts

  so you should try and make up with your dwarf friends

  no matter how short they are, or how bad they smell

  or how much they keep eyeing your gold earrings

  and licking their lips.

  But that’s not the last wacky plan the gods come up with to avoid paying for shit . . .

  ODIN GETS CONSTRUCTION DISCOUNTS WITH BESTIALITY

  So as our story begins everything is going pretty good

  the giants are leaving everyone alone for a minute

  and everything is pretty okay

  so obviously Odin has to go and fuck it all up by making a shitty deal with a giant.

  He is like “Hey, giant

  bet you can’t build a wall around my entire city in nine months.”

  And the giant is like “What do I get if I win?”

  And Odin is like “Well, I’m kinda cash poor at the moment.

  How about Freyja?”

  (Freyja is the goddess of love and other icky stuff

  gifted to the Aesir by a group of identical gods they tried to kill one time.

  What Odin is doing is called regifting and it is in poor taste.)

  But Freya is way hot, so the giant is like “Sweet, okay.”

  And Odin is like “Oh, and if you can’t finish the wall in time, then I get it for free.”

  And the giant is like “Sure dude, whatever.”

  Now Odin is pretty confident that there is no way the giant can build a wall in time.

  I mean, Asgard is pretty much HUGE.

  They had to build a six-mile-long feast hall just to accommodate Thor’s LEFT NUT.

  So he just sits back and prepares to have a partially finished wall

  TOTALLY FOR FREE.

  You don’t become a god by being bad with money that is a fact.

  But this plan is about to backfire SO HARD.

  The giant and his unreasonably strong horse

  are putting up this wall like it’s going out of style.

  There are still several months to go

  and the wall is almost totally finished.

  So Odin is like “Oh shit, I might have to pay this giant for all the work that he’s doing.

  UNACCEPTABLE.”

  So he calls up Loki like “LOKI SOLVE MY PROBLEMS WITH GIANTS.”

  And Loki is like “What? Why?”

  And Odin is like “REMEMBER HOW WE HAVE AN OATH OF KINSHIP

  THAT MEANS YOU HAVE TO DO WHAT I SAY?”

  And Loki is like “Oh yeah.

  Why did we do that again?”

  And Odin is like “NO TIME FOR QUESTIONS. STALL THAT GIANT.”

  So Loki is like “Sheeeeyiiiit.

  I’m a pussy. I can’t stop a giant.

  But WAIT!

  I can stop his horse!

  WITH MY PUSSY!”

  so he turns into a superhot sexalicious girlhorse

>   with her lady parts all distended and pungent

  and the manhorse gets a whiff of that shit

  and is like “I AM CALLING A TIME-OUT ON ALL THIS WORKING.

  A SEX TIME-OUT.”

  (Feel free to use these in your everyday life.

  I know you were all searching desperately for some way to justify dropping everything

  and just having a bunch of sex.

  NOW YOU HAVE THAT JUSTIFICATION.)

  So then the giant is like “How am I supposed to finish this wall without my powerhorse?

  I feel like I may have been cheated by Odin just now.

  I’m going to go yell at him.”

  So he goes to Odin’s room like “ODIN WHAT DID YOU DO WITH MY HORSE?”

  and Odin is like “I dunno what you’re talking about. It was all Loki’s idea.”

  and the giant is like “FUCK THIS I’M TAKING FREYJA.”

  and Freyja is like “Who’s taking what now?”

  because apparently Odin completely forgot to tell her about this deal.

  So she’s like “THORRRR.”

  and Thor runs into the room like “What?

  Oh, you need me to kill a giant?

  Yeah, all right.”

  So he kills the giant

  thus once again saving Odin from the consequences of his shitty actions.

  So a couple months later

  Loki finally comes back to Asgard

  leading the megahorse he seduced and also another smaller horse

  but what this horse lacks in size

  it makes up for in TOO MANY LEGS.

  Yes sir, this is THE OCTOHORSE.

  (aka Sleipnir)

  So Odin is like “Oh shit, give me those.”

  and Loki is like “NUP. I’m totally giving the ultrahorse to Freyja.”

  and Odin is like “Can I at least have the octohorse?”

  and Loki is like “Only if I don’t have to do what you say anymore.”

  and Odin is like “FINE.”

  and Loki is like “HAHA, I PRANKED YOU

  THAT HORSE CAME OUT OF MY HORSE VAGINA.”

  And Odin is like “Ew, ick.

  I still want the horse though.”

  So the moral of the story

  is that only a sucker pays full price for masonry.

  Oh, speaking of which

  let me tell you about another really gross thing Loki had sex with . . .

  FENRIR IS A DILF

  So one day, Loki’s wandering around Jotunheim

  and he sees this chick Angrboða

  pronounced ANGER BOW THE

  and he is like “Well, I know she’s pretty ugly

  and her name is kinda like a reference book entry for THE ANGER BOW

  but you know what?

  I’m gonna tap that

  and have three kids with that

  and all three of those kids are going to be horrible beasts that bring on the apocalypse.

  I see no problems with this.”

  So for now, let’s just focus on the first kid: a giant wolf named Fenrir.

  Now Loki brings baby Fenrir to Asgard

  and the Aesir all instantly know that this wolf is gonna be the death of them

  mainly because it is a GIANT WOLF NAMED FENRIR.

  But instead of doing anything about it

  they decide to see if they can just raise it as their own

  presumably because they don’t want to hurt Loki’s feelings.

  So this god Tyr

  the god of single combat and being awesome

  gets put in charge of feeding Fenrir

  because he’s the only person with sufficient testicular mass to actually go near the wolf

  and Fenrir gets bigger

  and bigger

  and holy shit bigger

  until the gods start to be like “Uhh . . . we should really do something about this wolf.”

  So what they do is they make a big metal chain.

  This chain is so incredibly massive

  that they don’t feel right until they give it a name

  that name is Leyding.

  So they go up to Fenrir like “Hey, man

  I bet you totally can’t break out of this chain.”

  And Fenrir is like “Okay, bring it.”

  So they tie him up

  and he pretty much just breaks the chains like cobwebs

  and he gets famous because of that

  and the gods are like “Fuck, that backfired.

  Okay, let’s make a better chain.”

  so they make a chain that is TWO TIMES AS STRONG

  and they name it Dromi

  and they go back to Fenrir like “Bet you can’t break THIS chain.”

  And Fenrir is like “I don’t know if I want to let you tie me up again.”

  And the gods are like “Don’t you want to be double famous?”

  and Fenrir is like “Ugh, okay.”

  So he lets them tie him up again

  and he flexes a little, but the chain doesn’t break

  so then he kicks the chain, and it does break

  and the gods are all like “Okay we definitely need a better chain.

  Somebody call some dwarves.”

  So the dwarves are like “Okay the mistake you guys have been making

  is you have been trying to make a chain out of actual things that exist

  such as metal

  instead of abstract concepts

  such as the sound of a cat’s footfall.”

  So what the dwarves do

  is they take the sound of a cat’s footfall

  along with the roots of a mountain

  the sinews of a bear

  the beard of a woman—

  remember, these are dwarves—

  and the breath of a fish, and the spit of a bird

  so that’s why you can’t hear cats walking around

  and mountains don’t have roots

  and fish don’t breathe, and birds don’t spit

  but I think bears still probably have sinews

  and I have definitely met me some bearded ladies

  so I guess the dwarves were not that thorough.

  But anyway

  somehow they manage to distill all this shit into THE ULTIMATE CHAIN.

  Except it’s not a chain, it’s a ribbon called Gleipnir.

  It is thin and pink and soft

  and the gods go and bring it to Fenrir

  and are like “Bet you can’t get out of this ribbon.”

  And Fenrir is like “Come ON, guys.

  There is no fame to be gained from breaking a little girl’s pretty, pretty princess bow.

  Plus, this is OBVIOUSLY a trap.”

  And the gods are like “A trap? Whaaaat?

  Why would we trap you?

  What do you think we are desperately afraid of you or something?

  We just thought

  that if the great wolf Fenrir was too much of a pussnexus

  to let himself get tied up by a pretty pink ribbon

  we might just go and tell everybody about that

  and then they would laugh at you.”

  So Fenrir is like “OKAY FINE.

  But I seriously don’t trust you guys

  so how about I let you tie me up

  if one of you puts your hand in my mouth as collateral.”

  And all the gods are like “Um . . . well . . .”

  Until Tyr is like “I’ll do it.” Because Tyr is a FUCKING BADASS

  moved almost to the point of vomiting

  but what tremendous wusses all his friends are.

  So
then they tie Fenrir up

  and Fenrir flexes

  and then he tries kicking

  and then he tries flailing around like a fucking lunatic

  but that ribbon does not break

  and he is like “DAMMIT.”

  And bites off Tyr’s hand

  and everyone laughs at Fenrir

  except for Tyr

  because he just got his hand bit off.

  And Fenrir is all trying to scream and bite everyone

  so they jam a sword in his mouth to keep it open forever

  and Fenrir drools so much that it makes an entire fucking river

  called “hope” in Norse for some reason

  like this is some kind of fucked up morbid motivational poster.

  HOPE:

  YOU WILL EVENTUALLY ESCAPE YOUR HELLISH PRISON

  AND RAIN DEATH AND FIRE UPON MIDGARD.

  Because actually that is what the Norse prophecy says.

  It says that eventually, at the end of the world

  Fenrir will get loose and eat Odin.

  So I guess the moral of the story

  is that if your friend keeps bringing home his mutant babies

  it is not your responsibility to raise those babies.

  Remember this.

  SEX 4 GOLD

  Before we go any further

  I feel like I need to tell you a little bit about the kind of person Freyja is.

  But it is difficult to find a myth about Freyja

  in which her main role isn’t just as something people give each other.

  This is because the Norse appear to treat women as currency.

  But don’t worry, guys

  I found one

  (kinda)

  So Freyja wakes up one morning

  and she is like “I JUST HAD A WET DREAM ABOUT SOME GOLD

  AND NOW I WANT SOME.

  But where shall I get some?

  Oh wait

  I live in a world that has dwarves.

  WHAT A STUPID QUESTION.”

  So she walks over to Dwarftowne

  and while she is walking, Loki sees her and he is like “Oh man

  that chick looks like she is about to get some TREASURE

  I want to RUIN THAT ACCOMPLISHMENT FOR HER

  because I am Loki and that is what I DO.”

  So Loki follows Freyja all the way to the house of these four dwarves

  and sitting on their pedestal

  is just the most astonishing display of golduggery EVER.

  (Golduggery is exactly like skulduggery