Zeus Grants Stupid Wishes: A No-Bullshit Guide to World Mythology

by O'Brien, Cory

  is you should always do a background check on all your potential roommates.

  HINDU

  No culture before or since

  has so flawlessly combined the disparate realms

  of brutal murder

  and epic dance battles

  as did the ancient Hindus

  which I suppose makes sense coming from the nation that gave us Bollywood.

  People in Hindu myths are ready to cut a rug at the drop of a hat

  and they are also ready to cut other things

  and in fact, maybe the reason that the hat dropped in the first place

  was that someone cut off the head it was resting on

  and then ate it

  because that’s how the Hindu gods roll

  but it is not all decapitation and bump ’n’ grind, my friends

  Hindu mythology gets up to some seriously cosmic shit as well.

  Observe:

  THE HINDUS LIKE TO CHOP DUDES UP

  So back in the days before there was stuff and things there was a dude.

  Just this one dude, as far as the eye could see

  spanning the entire breadth of the universe, plus like ten extra feet for good measure.

  His name

  was the Dude

  but not the Dude from The Big Lebowski.

  This is a significantly Bigger Lebowski we are talking about here.

  This is a Lebowski as Big as the entirety of creation.

  He is so big that he exists at all times both before and after his birth

  and like a quarter of his body is made up of all the animals ever

  and the other three-fourths is all the gods

  and he actually gives birth to a dude named Virj

  who then gives birth to HIM.

  WHAT.

  So obviously the gods get tired of trying to conceptualize this universal dude

  and they’re like “Screw this, let’s sacrifice him.”

  So they tie him down and cut him up

  and just start flinging pieces of his body ABSOLUTELY EVERYWHERE

  and all the giblets start turning into things

  like all the tasty clarified butter they boil off him turns into ANIMALS

  even though I thought animals were already a quarter of his body.

  I guess a quarter of his body was butter?

  Fatty.

  Anyway, the gods are pretty much making up ceremonies as they go along

  so those kind of get written down and preserved for all eternity.

  Also, I gotta hand it to these gods

  it takes some serious effort/cojones

  to kill and butcher someting that is 75 percent COMPOSED OF YOU.

  But anyway, his mouths become priests

  and his arms become nobles

  and his thighs become the general rabble

  and his feet become the slaves.

  His brain turns into the moon and his eyeballs are the sun

  and the sky comes out of his ears and the ground forms under his peasant feet

  and the gods make sure to start a whole assload of fires

  because if you’re gonna butcher the universe it might as well also be on fire

  and those fires turn into the IDEAL SOCIAL ORDER somehow.

  No one mentions what happens to the Dude’s dong or his chest actually.

  My guess is that some creeper god stole that shit and built himself a pan-galactic RealDoll.

  So the moral of the story

  is next time you are getting sexed up

  just remember that both you and your honey are made out of the same dude

  so basically

  everybody is gay.

  SHIVA CANNOT BE STOPPED

  Okay, so there is this dude Brahma, right?

  He is the creator of everything.

  So one day

  he takes his mind

  and makes a hot chick come out of it.

  This hot chick is his daughter.

  But as soon as he pops out this brainbaby

  Brahma is like “OH DAMN.

  I WANT TO DO THINGS TO THAT

  THAT HAVEN’T EVEN BEEN INVENTED YET.

  GOOD THING I AM THE CREATOR

  AND CAN INVENT THOSE THINGS RIGHT AWAY.”

  And then he goes ahead and gives himself THREE EXTRA HEADS

  so he can check out his daughter from all angles

  thus causing the world to get divided into four directions

  because the creator suddenly desires something that is outside himself.

  BUT ENOUGH SPIRITUALITY.

  BACK TO TITS AND BAD DECISIONS.

  Okay, so Brahma’s daughter gets wind of all this exquisite voyeurism going down

  and she gets pretty embarrassed

  and since she can’t stop being hot

  she decides to stop being on Earth instead

  and she goes up to heaven.

  So now Brahma is like “AUGH.

  I WANT TO CONTINUE TO LOOK AT TITS

  BUT MY HEADS ONLY LOOK DOWN.

  LOOKS LIKE I NEED ANOTHER HEAD.”

  See this is the thing about being the creator.

  You do not consider options such as

  oh, I don’t know

  moving your neck.

  NO.

  You grow an extra fucking head

  looking STRAIGHT UP

  and then you send it shooting toward heaven

  all like “NOM NOM NOM, TITS TIME.”

  So at this point

  Brahma’s daughter is up in heaven

  like “What am I going to do about this encroaching molester head?”

  and this is when Shiva steps up to the plate

  like “THAT IS ENOUGH BULLSHIT, BRAHMA.”

  Then he chops off Brahma’s head

  USING ONLY HIS THUMBNAIL.

  But instead of a hearty thank-you

  and maybe some victory poontang

  Shiva gets Brahma’s gross skull stuck to his hand

  and he is like “AW BALLS.

  THIS IS MY JERKIN’-IT HAND”

  And he transforms into Bhairava

  aka THE SHIVA OF ULTIMATE RAGE

  and he is like “HERE IS WHAT I AM GOING TO DO:

  I AM GOING TO WRECK SOME SHIT

  AND THEN I AM GOING TO WRECK SOME SHIT.”

  And Brahma is like “Oh no you are not, son.

  You are going to get banished all the way on out of here that is what you are going to do

  and then you are going to roam around the land as a mad beggar

  until you get arbitrarily forgiven.”

  So this is exactly what Shiva does

  until one day he stumbles upon a group of sages

  all sitting around praying the bajeezus out of themselves

  and Shiva rolls up

  like “HEY HEY, OOGA-BOOGA CRAZY HOMELESS GUY HERE, WHAT’S UP?”

  And the sages are like “What.”

  And the sages’ wives are like “OH MAN, I WANNA TAP THAT LIKE A KEG O’ BONERS.”

  and they all go dance the crazy wango-bango tango with Shiva

  and the sages are like “WHAT.”

  So obviously they send a tiger after Shiva

  and Shiva responds by TAKING OFF THE TIGER’S SKIN

  and WEARING IT AS A SKIRT.

  So then they send a poisonous snake after Shiva

  and Shiva picks up the snake

  and WEARS IT AS A GODDAMN NECKLACE.

  So then they send an evil dwarf after Shiva

  rightly assuming that there is probably no way for Shiva to wear a dwarf.

  (That’s right,
guys.

  They have fuckable gold in India too.)

  But Shiva just sort of kicks the dwarf over

  stands on his face

  and takes his club.

  Then he turns around like “COME ON, HOT BITCHES.

  FOLLOW ME INTO THE FOREST.”

  So they do

  and then Shiva (aka Bhairava, remember)

  goes to Vishnu’s crib

  like “Hey, Vishnu, lemme in”

  and Vishnu’s bouncer is like “Who are you? You’re not on the list.”

  And Bhairava is like “I AM THE GUY WHO IS STABBING YOU TO DEATH WITH A TRIDENT.”

  And then Vishnu jumps out of the back room like “OH SNAP

  I WILL SHOOT BLOOD OUT OF MY FACE AT YOU UNTIL YOU GO AWAY.”

  And Bhairava fills Brahma’s sticky skull with Vishnu’s blood

  like “THANKS, SUCKER.

  I WAS JUST DROPPING BY TO ASK IF I COULD BORROW A CUP OF YOUR BLOOD.”

  And then he dances off into the forest

  carrying the doorkeeper’s body and a skull full of blood.

  He dances all over everywhere

  until he gets to the holy city Varanasi

  at which point he is pardoned for his crimes

  and gets to go back to heaven

  . . . ?

  So I guess the moral of the story

  is if you are ever indicted for murder

  your best bet

  is to do more murders

  and then fill the skulls of your victims

  with the blood from your other victims

  and maybe stage an impromptu dance party with some women you stole

  and eventually people will realize that you can’t be stopped

  and you can go to heaven.

  Excuse me while I go convert to Hinduism.

  ANYTHING KALI CAN DO, SHIVA CAN DO BETTER

  So we’ve established that Shiva’s a badass

  but it turns out that his main job

  is to make sure his wife Kali

  who is the goddess of having a thousand furious arms covered in knives and murder

  doesn’t get too shitfaced off all the blood she drinks and destroy the world

  like this one time

  where he lies in front of her on the battlefield

  or this other time

  when he turns into a baby

  like “WAH WAH, TITS PLEASE”

  and Kali is overcome by MOTHERING INSTINCTS.

  But there is one particular instance of Shiva handling Kali’s shit

  that is particularly fantastic:

  Okay, so this story begins like all stories about Kali:

  Kali just killed a bunch of dudes.

  Probably they were demons

  but really, who knows?

  Anyway, to celebrate

  Kali takes up residence in a nearby forest with a bunch of her asshole friends

  and starts terrorizing the countryside

  stabbing the villagers

  then stabbing their stab wounds

  then stabbing the blood in their stab wounds

  on and on, till the break of dawn

  and then after the break of dawn too.

  So finally one of the villagers

  who is sick of getting stabbed every day

  and is also a follower of Shiva

  comes running up to Shiva like “HEY, SHIVA

  CAN YOU HANDLE THIS SHIT FOR US?

  WE REALLY NEED THIS SHIT HANDLED.”

  and Shiva is like “Dude, can’t you see I am busy ripping tigers in half or something?”

  And the dude is like “KALI IS STABBING EVERYONE.

  SHE MIGHT DESTROY THE WORLD EVEN, WHO KNOWS?”

  And Shiva is like “Okay, my schedule just cleared up.”

  So Shiva shows up in the forest

  and Kali is like “HEY, DICKFACE.”

  And Shiva is like “Hey, Kali.

  We’ve talked about this.

  You need to stop stabbing all the time.

  This right here?

  This is what is known as too much stabbing.”

  And Kali is like “NEVER STOP STABBING.”

  And Shiva is like “That is in fact the opposite of what I said.

  All right, this is going nowhere.

  How about this:

  We have a dance contest

  and when I utterly hand you your shit in the contest

  you agree to stop stabbing for a while?”

  And Kali is like “OH BITCH YOU ARE ABOUT TO GET SERVED.”

  So they drag out the boom box

  spread out the cardboard

  dust off their dopest moves

  AND PROCEED TO BUST THOSE MOTHERFUCKERS LIKE TEAR-AWAY PANTS.

  These moves they are busting?

  Guys:

  They are ludicrous moves.

  Like, remember the dance contest in Pulp Fiction?

  This was nothing like that.

  John Travolta is terrible at doing the twist.

  This is way better.

  But finally, Shiva busts out the ULTIMATE MOVE:

  THE TANDAVA DANCE

  which is just basically a super-energetic dance

  and I guess Kali is so tired from stabbing

  that she cannot match his dance moves

  and so she reluctantly agrees to stop murdering for a couple days and go home.

  AND THUS BOLLYWOOD WAS BORN.

  So the moral of the story

  is that we could end all wars forever

  if we just weaponized THE POWER OF DANCE.

  GANESH IS THE VERY DEFINITION OF AN UNPLANNED PREGNANCY

  So Shiva is married to Kali, right?

  WRONG.

  Well yes, Shiva is married to Kali

  but as it turns out

  Shiva is ALSO married to this other chick Parvati

  who is a gentle goddess of life and stuff.

  BUT

  as it turns out

  Parvati and Kali

  ARE THE SAME PERSON

  WHOA, SNAP, PLOT TWIST.

  Yeah, apparently she can transform between sweet loving life goddess

  and unspeakable hurricane of death

  for ANY REASON

  at ANY TIME.

  This is what is known as an exciting marriage.

  Anyway, in this story Parvati is busy being Parvati

  which is good news for everybody

  except for Shiva

  because now all the time Kali would have spent murdering and busting sweet dance moves

  Parvati spends thinking about having babies

  and Shiva is not ready to be a father.

  I mean he kind of created the entire universe

  but he does NOT want to be tied down, okay?

  So Parvati gets sick of bugging him to have a baby with her

  and she’s like “Wait a second . . .

  I’m a goddess . . .

  Having babies in unconventional ways is what we DO.”

  So she just goes ahead and makes a baby all by herself

  and she names him Ganesh

  and then goes to take a shower and tells Ganesh to guard the door

  because apparently her sole motivation behind having kids

  is to make sure no one sees any naked boobs while she is washing up.

  IT WOULD HAVE PROBABLY BEEN SIMPLER TO JUST LOCK THE DOOR, PARVATI.

  CHILDREN ARE A SERIOUS RESPONSIBILITY.

  And of course this is the exact moment that Shiva decides to come along

  and prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that neither of these people should have
kids

  because he sees the shower house where his wife is showering

  and he’s like “Oh man

  what a perfect opportunity for steamy shower sex!”

  So he just marches on over there

  except instead of getting inside

  he gets some impudent baby blocking his path

  and Shiva is like “DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?”

  And Ganesh is like “No, dude. I’m a baby.”

  And Shiva is like “WELL THEN

  YOU CAN CALL ME

  THE GUY WHO JUST CHOPPED OFF YOUR HEAD JUST NOW.

  ZING.”

  And OF COURSE

  this is the moment that Parvati chooses to finish her shower

  and she comes sauntering out of the shower house

  and sees her husband standing over her dead baby

  and she’s like “SHIVAAAA

  YOU BRING MY BABY BACK TO LIFE OR ELSE.”

  And Shiva is like “Or else what?”

  And Parvati’s like “Or else I’m gonna turn into Kali

  and you’re gonna have to chase me down and dance me into submission again.”

  And Shiva is like “Hmm. Good point.”

  So Shiva sends out some of his dudes

  to go grab the first head they find

  and bring it back to him

  and I guess he has pretty dumb servants

  because they come back with the head of an ELEPHANT

  and Shiva is like “Guys

  I feel like it would have been easier to just decapitate a baby

  rather than a full-grown elephant

  and also you should have figured out from context clues what I meant.

  But whatever, I guess I’ll make it work.”

  So he just glues this elephant head onto the dead baby

  and that somehow causes it to come back to life

  and that is why Ganesh has an elephant head now

  and also why he is the god of wisdom

  which is bad news for Shiva

  because an elephant

  NEVER FORGETS.

  So the moral of the story

  is that you shouldn’t worry if you accidentally kill your baby

  just kill another baby and glue pieces of it to the first baby until it comes back to life.

  Works every time

  or at least

  this one time.

  JAPANESE

  ARE YOU READY FOR DISTENDED RACCOON TESTICLES?

  NO?

  WELL, YOU BETTER GET READY QUICK

  BECAUSE JAPAN JUST CALLED