The Borowitz Report

by Andy Borowitz

A few days after running headlines that screamed HARRY POTHEAD! referring to Prince Harry’s own unfortunate dope-smoking woes, the London tabs churned out headers like HIGH COURT! and QE2 TRIP!

  Making matters worse for the increasingly stoned Windsors was the discovery on palace grounds, late Tuesday evening, of a psychedelic marijuana “bong” belonging to the Queen Mother.

  Fearing that public opinion could quickly turn against the pot-addled royals, Prince Charles issued a statement to the nation warning of the dangers of drug use.

  Observers said that Queen Elizabeth II had an “attack of the giggles and the munchies” in a meeting with burn victims in a London hospital.

  “Taking drugs results in indolence, idleness, and a lifetime on public assistance,” Charles said. “The drug-taker finds herself incapable of little more than attending ceremonial receptions, presiding over the opening of new hospitals, and meddling in her children’s marriages.”

  Minutes after Charles’ statement was released, Queen Elizabeth issued a statement of her own.

  “We fundamentally believe that the Prince is entitled to his opinions,” the Queen’s statement read. “But if he gets anywhere near our stash, we are going to cut him.”

  KIM’S BLOG

  When people start flapping their gums about who’s the biggest threat in the world today, yours truly usually finds his name at or near the top of the list. That’s too bad, because for my money the single most dangerous person on the planet is none other than Queen Elizabeth II of England.

  People go on and on about how scary I am in my sunglasses and all, but have you taken a good look at Old Prune Face lately? Her hats alone are enough to terrify me, and I don’t scare easy. But even if QE2 somehow got an extreme fashion makeover (which I would personally pay for), she would still be the scariest person in the world, in my book.

  Why? Well, let me drop some knowledge on you. I’ve done a little statistical analysis, and if you add up the IQ’s of every member of Queen Elizabeth’s family and then take the average, the number you’ll wind up with will be roughly half that of your average NHL goalie.

  Scared yet? Then consider this: these morons are running a country that has nuclear weapons! You wonder why I stay up half the night reprocessing spent fuel rods. Dude, it’s called self-defense!

  U.S. ISSUES LIST OF 5,000 BAD THINGS THAT MIGHT HAPPEN SOMEDAY

  Falling Pianos Top List of Hypothetical Bad Things

  Stung by recent criticism that it has been behind the curve on terror threats, the U.S. government today released an alphabetized list of 5,000 bad things that, in the words of the document, “might happen today, tomorrow, next week, next month, or next year.”

  The document, published in an eight-pound hardcover book, has been called the single scariest government publication since the Starr Report.

  It is also available in a books-on-tape version, with readers John Ashcroft, Dick Cheney, Donald H. Rumsfeld and Tom Ridge giving spooky renditions of the lengthy list of bad things.

  While some of the bad things on the list are familiar, some are new, including a possible al-Qaeda plot to rent apartments, rent pianos, and then push the pianos out of the apartment windows.

  When asked about the piano plot, White House press secretary Scott McClellan hedged a bit, saying that intelligence agents eavesdropping on al-Qaeda radio communications could not definitively tell if they were saying “pianos” or “peonies.”

  “They’re not as dangerous as pianos, of course, but peonies can still do a lot of harm,” Mr. McClellan said.

  Mr. McClellan also said that it is possible that al-Qaeda meant they were planning to push live ponies out of apartment windows.

  “If they didn’t mean pianos or peonies but actually meant ponies, God help us all,” Mr. McClellan said.

  One possible danger not listed in the book, however, is the book itself: today in Washington a copy of the book fell from a third-story apartment window, injuring three.

  INSTRUMENT OF TERROR: A new government report lists baby grand pianos as potential weapons of mass destruction.

  TALIBAN SHUTS DOWN REGIME; WILL FOCUS INSTEAD ON WEBSITE

  Fall of Kabul, Weak Advertising Market Blamed

  The Taliban, once the high-flying darling of the repressive regime sector, shut down its government today, but said that it would continue to exist on the Internet as “a website that delivers the total Taliban experience.”

  The site, Taliboom.com, will be operated by a skeleton staff and will offer a wide variety of repressive chat rooms and bulletin boards.

  Taliban leader Mullah Omar announced the news of the shutdown to his staff at Taliban headquarters in Kandahar.

  “For those of you who have been with us for the last five years, you know it’s been an awesome ride,” he told the assembled group, many of whom wore baseball caps embroidered with the Taliban slogan: “Have You Talibanned Something Today?”

  For many Taliban in attendance, the news of the shutdown came almost as a relief.

  “The rumor mill around this place has been working overtime,” said one junior Taliban project manager. “I kind of knew something was up when I saw that this Northern Alliance guy had parked his Saturn in my space.”

  It was a very different story when the Taliban started up, in 1996, with a launch party that was the envy of repressive regimes worldwide.

  But five years and many blown-up ancient statues later, the long-promised “synergy” of the regime still remained elusive—and patience finally gave out.

  The Taliban remains committed to maintaining its popular website, Mullah Omar announced.

  “At the end of the day, our regime was grimmer, bleaker, and more repressive than we’d ever dreamed it could be—but it just wasn’t profitable,” Omar conceded.

  The recent fall of Kabul, as well as the current weak advertising market, contributed to the Taliban’s decision to close up shop.

  “It’s a different world now,” Omar said. “The landscape has cratered—literally.”

  In addition to its government, the Taliban will close down its five-month-old lifestyles magazine, Teen Taliban, which many in the magazine industry considered to be ill conceived.

  “We all worked real hard on Teen Taliban, but you can’t make a turkey fly,” Omar said.

  ANN COULTER SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUSTS

  Pundit Keeps Talking While Fully Ablaze

  Conservative pundit Ann Coulter spontaneously combusted today during an appearance on the Fox News Channel, sources at the cable network confirmed.

  According to those who witnessed the bizarre incident, Ms. Coulter was in the middle of an extended rant about liberal comedian Al Franken when her face became beet-red and smoke began to shoot out of both of her ears.

  Then, almost without warning, Ms. Coulter appeared to burst into flames, sources said.

  The New York Fire Department immediately rushed to the scene to extinguish Ms. Coulter, who continued to talk even while fully ablaze.

  “We were dousing her with three fire hoses, but she just kept on yapping,” said Hal Reuss, a fireman who helped put out Ms. Coulter. “It was freaky.”

  Meanwhile, outside the Fox News Channel’s New York headquarters, thousands of publicitystarved authors congregated, begging Fox to sue them.

  Since news of Fox’s lawsuit against comedian Franken promptly sent his new book to the top of the bestseller lists, a lawsuit from Fox is now widely regarded in the publishing industry as the most coveted seal of approval, even surpassing inclusion in Oprah’s Book Club.

  One of the authors gathered outside Fox was Stanley Dixon, an author of several poorly selling works of literary fiction who is so eager to be sued by Fox that he has had his name legally changed to “Fox Newschannel.”

  Mr. Newschannel said that his latest novel, a coming-of-age story set in rural Indiana entitled A Sudden Fall, would now be retitled The Fox News Channel Can Bite Me.

  Conservative pundit Ann Coulter appeared at a benefit in
New York City one day before she spontaneously burst into flames.

  KIM’S BLOG

  I’ve never told anybody this before, but back in the days before I acquired nuclear weapons technology from Pakistan, I seriously considered acquiring Ann Coulter.

  I’d seen Ms. Coulter on TV, and she was always in a bad mood, screaming at somebody and making the veins in her forehead bulge out, and I was like, Dude! This is a weapon of mass destruction if ever there was one.

  My plan was simple: add Ann Coulter to my burgeoning weapons arsenal, and if the U.S. refused to do my bidding, I’d fire Ann Coulter at them.

  I even could picture a split-screen on TV: Ann Coulter on a launch pad, and me counting down, ten, nine, eight … tell me that would not rule!!

  Like most simple plans, though, this one got complicated real fast. I opened negotiations with Ann Coulter’s agent, and we started hammering out the broad strokes of a deal. I can honestly say that I have never offered to pay as much money for a weapons system as I was willing to cough up for Ann Coulter.

  Ultimately, the deal broke down because she refused to move to Pyongyang. She said her “life” was in New York. Whatever! But every now and then I have this recurring dream where I’m blowing up the world with Ann Coulter. I still think it could happen someday.

  PHILIP MORRIS CHANGES NAME TO ALTRIA; CHANGES NAME OF CIGARETTES TO “HEALTH STIX”

  Boldest Rebranding Effort Ever, Experts Say

  When tobacco giant Philip Morris changed its corporate name to “Altria” yesterday, it apparently was just getting started.

  Officials from the newly renamed company announced today that their primary product, cigarettes, will now be known as “Health Stix.”

  “We want to assure our customers that, even though the name has changed, the product remains the same,” said company spokesman Dirk Slive, who will now be known as Sandy Nice.

  “And we hope that they will continue to smoke two or three packs of Health Stix each and every day,” Mr. Nice added.

  “Remember—they’re good for you,” Mr. Nice said, adding that Altria had recently changed the word “bad” to “good.”

  Company officials were asked if all of this renaming was intended to confuse the consumer.

  “Hardly,” Mr. Nice said. “We’re doing it out of altruism—remember, we’re not called Altria for nothing.”

  In a related decision, Altria has renamed tar and nicotine “sugar and spice,” and will call hideously discolored brown teeth “chick magnets.”

  Altria believes that cigarettes will soar to new levels of popularity under their new name, “Health Stix.”

  In addition, desperate, hacking, phlegmy coughs will now be known as “breathing.”

  At press time, Altria officials were still mulling new names for death. While no decision has been reached as of yet, sources say that Altria executives were leaning heavily toward “Happy Nappy Time.”

  BILL BENNETT LOSES WIFE IN POKER GAME

  Irate Spouse Demands He Win Her Back “This Instant”

  Gambling woes have taken their toll on former Education Secretary William Bennett once again as Mr. Bennett revealed today that he lost his wife in a high-stakes poker game Saturday night.

  “While I regret putting my wife on the table, I felt that my hand was really strong and there was no way I’d lose her,” the Book of Virtues author said at a Washington press conference. “I was totally flabbergasted when Jim Baker countered with a royal flush.”

  A spokesman for former Secretary of State James A. Baker III confirmed that he had in fact won Mrs. Bennett in the Saturday night card game but refused to elaborate any further.

  But in a statement released later today, Mrs. William Bennett excoriated her husband for putting her in the kitty of the poker game without her permission and demanded that he win her back “this instant.”

  Cornered by reporters outside his home, where he was arranging furniture and other personal items for an upcoming yard sale, Mr. Bennett said he had given up gambling for good and therefore had “no intention” of trying to win back his wife.

  “Trying to win back Elayne at the poker table would be gambling, and I’ve learned that gambling is bad,” he said. “I hope Elayne understands my position.”

  President Bush, who had been tight-lipped about the Bennett affair, later offered these words of support for the embattled Republican: “I’m glad Bill Bennett stopped gambling before he lost his shirt, because no one wants to see Bill Bennett without his shirt.”

  SOME ’SPLAINING TO DO: Former Education Secretary Bill Bennett reportedly angered his wife after losing her in a high-stakes poker game.

  SADDAM DENIES PURSUING “NUCULAR” WEAPONS

  No Evidence of Nucular Program in Iraq, Strongman Says

  Responding to last night’s State of the Union address in which President George W. Bush repeatedly accused him of attempting to acquire “nucular” weapons, President Saddam Hussein of Iraq today categorically denied having a “nucular” weapons program of any kind.

  “Iraq does not now nor has it ever had a ‘nucular’ weapons program,” Saddam said in a terse official statement. “Nor does it have any idea what a ‘nucular’ weapon is.”

  At the White House, Press Secretary Ari Fleischer accused Saddam of using Mr. Bush’s pronunciation of “nucular” to distract attention from Iraq’s persistent refusal to disarm.

  “I think the international community knows that when the President says ‘nucular’ he means ‘nuclear,’” Mr. Fleischer said. “We challenge Saddam to prove that he does not have any of the weapons that President Bush may have mispronounced last night.”

  Mr. Bush’s State of the Union address drew support from an unlikely quarter today, as Nobel Peace Prize-winner Jimmy Carter announced that he “completely agreed” with the President’s pronunciation of the word “nucular.”

  “Back when I was President, I often gave speeches about nucular energy, and everybody always knew what I was talking about,” Mr. Carter said. “I think people should back off.”

  YOU SAY “NUCULAR”: The White House believes Saddam Hussein is using the President’s pronunciation of “nucular” to avoid revealing a massive weapons cache.

  In other international pronunciation news, Prime Minister Tony Blair of Britain split with President Bush today over his pronunciation of the words “tomato” and “banana.”

  While Mr. Blair indicated that he and Mr. Bush had “a serious difference of opinion” about how “tomato” and “banana” were pronounced, he said it would in no way affect Britain’s support of a U.S.-led attack on Iraq.

  IT’S SPLITSVILLE FOR ANGELINA JOLIE AND HER BREASTS

  Actress, Chest Part Company, Citing “Creative Differences”

  In a move that surprised many in Hollywood in the wake of the smash summer blockbuster Tomb Raider, Angelina Jolie and her breasts announced today that they would no longer work together, citing “creative differences” as the reason for their split.

  While official spokesmen for Ms. Jolie and her breasts publicly described the split as “amicable,” insiders indicated that it was in fact a bitter parting, the inevitable result of rivalries growing out of the Tomb Raider success.

  “It bothered Angelina that her breasts got better reviews than she did, but she was willing to swallow her pride and continue working with them,” said Skip Winston, a longtime Hollywood press agent. “This thing was a hundred percent the breasts’ decision.”

  Others in the industry agreed with Winston’s assessment. “There was a feeling that people were hiring Angelina just as a way of getting to work with her breasts,” said talent agent Herb Schlantz. “From what I’ve heard, the breasts were getting tired of carrying her.”

  Now that the split is official, there has been no word about what the breasts’ next project will be, but there are already signs that there is “trouble in paradise,” as one insider put it.

  “Apparently, the left breast is slightly larger than
the right breast,” the insider said, “and the left breast feels that should be reflected in the billing.”

  As of press time, there was no confirmation of the rumors that the breasts were planning a split-up of their own in order to pursue solo careers.

  Ms. Jolie’s breasts could not be reached for comment.

  Ms. Jolie and her breasts, in happier times.

  WEALTHIEST .00001 PERCENT PRAISE BUSH ECONOMIC PACKAGE

  At Annual Gathering in Geneva, 29 Richest Americans Give Plan Big Thumbs-Up

  President Bush’s newly unveiled economic stimulus package drew raves today from the wealthiest .00001 percent of Americans, who pronounced the plan “a total home run.”

  “When we first heard about the plan, we were like, this is too good to be true,” said multibillionaire Thurston Howell IV, a spokesman for the richest .00001 percent. “But when our butlers read the plan aloud to us during the cocktail hour, we were incredibly stoked.”

  The twenty-nine plutocrats who make up the nation’s wealthiest .00001 percent were at their annual meeting at Mr. Howell’s villa in Geneva, Switzerland, when news of the President’s plan was first released.

  The super-rich believe that the Bush tax package could transform them into the super-duper-rich.

  “Bill Gates and Warren Buffett were the first to hear about it, and then the news just kind of trickled down, if I may use a favorite phrase of ours,” Mr. Howell said.

  Mr. Howell added that the elimination of all Federal taxes on dividends would provide much-needed relief to him and the other twenty-eight wealthiest Americans, who have been “struggling to make ends meet on our dividends alone.”