Kashmir, a region long contested by India and Pakistan, had been on the administration’s back burner before the blackout, but all that changed Monday when Mr. Bush announced that he was “very concerned about the freedom of Kashmir’s goat population.”
“If those goats and their precious wool are threatened, that threatens the world’s supply of cashmere sweaters and static electricity,” Mr. Bush told reporters at the White House. “And that directly threatens the security of the United States of America.”
In Washington, rumors that the U.S. might divert forces currently in Liberia and send them to Kashmir instead to secure the region’s coveted goats sparked massive protests, as marchers headed for the Capitol chanting, “No blood for wool.”
On the Fox News Channel, Vice President Dick Cheney clarified the administration’s position on Kashmir, telling Fox’s Brit Hume, “The United States must decrease its dependence on foreign wool.”
“The only way to do that,” Mr. Cheney added, “is by seizing vast quantities of foreign wool with overwhelming military force.”
NO BLOOD FOR WOOL: Precious Kashmiri goats are seen as a plentiful source of static electricity.
GREENSPAN: NUMBER OF AMERICANS PRETENDING TO WORK SURGED IN FEBRUARY
Jump in Internet Casino, Porn Usage Signals Economic Recovery, Fed Chief Testifies
In testimony before the U.S. Senate today, Federal Reserve Board Chairman Alan Greenspan said that the number of Americans pretending to work at the office jumped in February, more proof that an economic recovery is underway.
The number of Americans trying to look busy in their cubicles while doing no work whatsoever surged 17 percent, an extremely strong increase, Greenspan said.
“The members of the labor force who paid extensive visits to Internet casino and pornography sites in lieu of doing work-related tasks increased at an unprecedented rate last month,” Greenspan said.
“Their willingness to shirk their duties in order to play blackjack or look at naked people is a sign of unexpected strength in the job market,” the Fed chief added.
Greenspan went on to say that the number of American workers using valuable office time to visit Internet sites dedicated to the World Wrestling Federation, the Paris Hilton sex videos, and what he termed “24-hour sorority shower-cams” also surged in February.
Greenspan’s testimony to the Senate was not entirely upbeat, however.
Porn consumption in the workplace has surged to record levels, Greenspan told Congress.
In a comment that surprised several of the senators, the Fed chief warned that some high-speed Internet users may watch online pornography “too quickly to really enjoy it.”
“With the advent of DSL and other high-speed Internet technologies, pornography customers may find that things fly by too fast to be fully appreciated,” Greenspan told the senators.
“On the positive side, less time spent watching pornography will give the habitual porn consumer more time for other tasks, such as studying job statistics and money supply, and determining the future direction of the Fed discount rate,” Greenspan said.
KIM’S BLOG
Question: how come when Alan Greenspan talks, everyone listens, and when I talk, no one listens?
It’s not like one of us is a whole lot taller than the other. And it’s not like one of us wears glasses that are way too big for his head and the other one doesn’t. So what does Alan Greenspan have that I don’t have?
Before you think that I’m being paranoid again, here’s an example of things Greenspan and I have said on the exact same day, and you tell me which is more worth paying attention to:
Greenspan: In the absence of the gold standard, there is no way to protect savings from confiscation through inflation.
Me: I will engulf the world in a scorching sea of fire.
Greenspan: How do we know when irrational exuberance has unduly escalated asset values, which then become subject to unexpected and prolonged contractions as they have in Japan over the past decade?
Me: I have my finger on the button right now. Don’t think that I won’t push it!
Greenspan: Evaluating shifts in balance sheets generally, and in asset prices particularly, must be an integral part of the development of monetary policy.
Me: Be afraid! Be very afraid!
So, there you have it. Why do people listen to Greenspan instead of me? Well, for one thing, Alan Greenspan is married to Andrea Mitchell of NBC News, and I’m not, so I guess in the end it’s all about who you know. Note to self: marry Andrea Mitchell of NBC News.
ATHLETE WITHOUT COMPELLING PERSONAL DRAMA EXPELLED FROM OLYMPICS
Skier Concealed Adversity-Free Past From Officials, NBC
A member of the U.S. Olympic ski team was disqualified from competition today when it was learned that he did not have a sufficiently compelling human story line to exploit on the NBC telecast of the worldwide sporting event.
Tom Bergen, the expelled skier, was not raised by a single mother, never had a career-threatening injury and did not overcome a personal tragedy of any kind before making the Olympic ski team, U.S. Olympic officials revealed today.
“Had Tom been involved in an organ donation, as either a donor or a recipient, that would have been acceptable to us,” ski team spokesman Sandy Harrell told reporters. “However, he was not.”
According to sources close to the ski team, Bergen had concealed the fact that he comes from an intact middle-class family who never lost their home to a flood, tornado, or typhoon.
But what may have sealed Bergen’s doom, sources said, was his utter lack of a gravely ill family member to win a medal for.
“Tom did his best to hide his background from team officials,” one source said. “But when the truth came out, he was finished.”
Speaking to reporters in Salt Lake City, NBC Sports Chairman Dick Ebersol was even less charitable, terming Bergen’s actions “a reprehensible betrayal.”
“We do our best to check out all of the athletes to make sure that their backgrounds are full of compelling human drama, but we can’t catch everything,” Ebersol said. “This is a case of one really bad guy exploiting the system.”
DOWNHILL: Skier “flagrantly lied” about his intact middle-class family, Olympics officials confirmed.
VICTIMS OF EMINEM’S LATEST VERBAL ASSAULTS AGREE TO MEND THEIR WAYS
Lynne Cheney, Moby, Thousands of Others Take Rapper’s Criticisms to Heart
A diverse collection of celebrities, political figures, and family members who were singled out for vituperative attack in The Eminem Show, the hot-selling new CD by the rapper Eminem, announced today that they would attempt to mend their ways in accordance with Eminem’s criticisms.
“Eminem pointed out a number of things I did that were hypocritical and wrongheaded,” said Lynne V. Cheney, wife of Vice President Dick Cheney. “Upon reflection, I now see that he is absolutely right—and I want to offer my sincerest apology.”
“It is my hope,” Mrs. Cheney continued, “that if I work hard enough to improve my behavior, I will someday earn Eminem’s respect.”
Mrs. Cheney’s decision to take Eminem’s profane attack in the spirit of constructive criticism was echoed by the electronic musician Moby.
“I never realized how lame I was until I heard Eminem astutely mention it on his CD,” Moby said. “He’s really given me a lot to think about—and to work on.”
Eminem, however, remained unmoved by his victims’ contrite statements, issuing a statement of his own in which he repeated his oft-stated desire that they contract incurable diseases and die.
Electronic musician Moby (pictured) said he would take Eminem’s critiques to heart.
“We hear you,” Mrs. Cheney said.
The meeting of Eminem’s victims, numbering in the thousands, filled the Los. Angeles Convention Center over the past three days to overflow capacity, snarling traffic throughout the downtown area.
The meeting featured motivational sp
eakers and several educational workshops with names like “How to Make Eminem Like You More” and “If Eminem Says You’re a Ho. You Probably Are.”
KIM’S BLOG
As everyone in North Korea knows, my love of hip-hop music runs deep. A few years ago, I had to make the choice between being dictator of North Korea or pursuing a career as a rapper, and I’ve never faced a tougher decision in my life. I think I made the right choice, but hip-hop still exerts a powerful tug on my soul.
In fact, a couple of years ago when I was heading for a summit with South Korea, I thought to myself, “I’m so misunderstood by the rest of the world—I wonder if it would help if I expressed myself by doing a little rapping?”
Like most of the stuff I do that would make people really like me and think I’m cool, my rapping at that summit was completely ignored by the Western media. But here’s a little taste:
Yo, mama, I’m da bomb
Play my tunes on the jukes, yo
Cuz I got the nukes, yo
Yo, mama, I’m da bomb
Gonna reprocess fuel rods
And blow up da schoolyards
Cuz mama, I’m da bomb
If you beg to differ, wait
Match me proliferate
I’m da bomb, yo, I’m da bomb, yo, etc.
This song shot up to number one in North Korea (remaining there for eighty weeks), but has yet to be played even once in America. When I take over the U.S., the first thing I’m going to fix is those stale FM playlists. They totally keep new artists from being heard, which if you ask me really blows.
RIDGE WARNS AMERICANS NOT TO SWIM TOO SOON AFTER EATING
“Wait at Least Half an Hour,” Homeland Security Chief Indicates in New Alert
Tom Ridge, Director of the Office of Homeland Security, issued a “high alert” for all Americans today, warning them not to swim too soon after consuming a meal.
“If you jump in the pool right after eating, you could get serious cramps,” Mr. Ridge told reporters in the Washington, D.C., press briefing. “You should wait at least half an hour.”
“You don’t want to wind up like the Johnson boy down the street,” Ridge added. “Last summer, he practically drowned.”
Director Ridge also issued an alert, effective for an indefinite period of time, warning Americans against eating spicy food, such as pizza or chili dogs, right before bedtime.
“You could wind up having terrible nightmares,” Ridge said. “I don’t know how many times I have to tell you this.”
Ridge’s wide-ranging alert covered other imminent dangers to the American people, such as sitting too close to the television, going out in cold weather with wet hair, and roughhousing on the sofa with siblings.
“To all Americans who are currently horsing around on their sofas with their brothers or sisters, I say the following: don’t make me come over there,” Ridge said.
Ridge went on to say that those who disregard his alert run the risk of being grounded next weekend, and will not be able to come along when he takes the rest of the country to the movies and bowling.
Homeland Security chief Tom Ridge demonstrates “a simple thing each and every one of us can do” to ward off vampires.
At the conclusion of his press conference, Mr. Ridge issued a new alert to a sound technician carrying a boom microphone.
“Watch it,” Mr. Ridge told the technician. “You could put an eye out with that thing.”
BUSH WANTED TO INVADE IRAQ BACK IN COLLEGE
Hated Saddam While at Yale, Frat Brother Says
President George W. Bush wanted to invade Iraq back when he was a college student at Yale University, a former fraternity brother of the President revealed today.
“I wasn’t the least bit surprised when we attacked Iraq last year,” said Charles “Whiffy” Wiffington, a Delta Kappa Epsilon brother of the President’s in the late 1960s. “This is something George has wanted to do since he was a freshman.”
Mr. Wiffington said that Mr. Bush first brought up the notion of regime change in Iraq during halftime at a Harvard-Yale football game in New Haven.
“Yale had just pulled ahead of Harvard by a field goal,” Mr. Wiffington remembered. “And George turned to me and said, ‘Whiffy, Saddam’s gotta go.’”
Although Mr. Hussein was merely a functionary in the Baath Party when Mr. Bush was at Yale, Mr. Bush remarked at numerous frat parties that the Iraqi might someday seize power, become evil, and need to be toppled, Mr. Wiffington said.
“At DKE, all we wanted to do was have bodacious keggers and meet girls, but all George could talk about was Saddam,” Mr. Wiffington remembered. “We were like, ‘George, cool it.’”
Mr. Wiffington said that after Mr. Bush was elected President of DKE his senior year, he proposed that the fraternity invade Iraq unilaterally.
“We had to talk him down from that,” Mr. Wiffington said. “We were like, let’s T.P. the Princeton bus instead.”
President George W. Bush (pictured above) wanted to strike Saddam Hussein back when he was an undergraduate at Yale, friends say.
JUNE 17 NAMED “ATHLETES OBEY THE LAW DAY”
For 24 Hours Sports Stars Must Abide by Laws That Govern Rest of Us
June 17 has been designated Athletes Obey the Law Day, a twenty-four-hour period in which professional sports stars are being asked “to voluntarily comply with the laws that govern ordinary people.”
“For one day, we are asking athletes not to drive under the influence of alcohol, crack, marijuana, cocaine, or mushrooms,” said a press release for the June 17 event, “and not to abuse, harass, beat up, key the car of, or burn down the house of wives, ex-wives, girlfriends, ex-girlfriends, business managers, accountants, or Halle Berry.”
But the June 17 event faces stiff opposition from the athletes, who claim that obeying the law even for one day would be onerous and unfeasible.
“Athletes already have to obey a lot of rules on the field,” said Gavin Herrick, leader of an NFL players’ group. “Now, on top of that, we’ve got to obey the law off the field? I don’t think so!”
In related news, a majority of Americans fear that they will someday be the victim of an athlete’s wrath after an unfortunate encounter in a restaurant, bar, hotel, disco, nightclub, clothing store, parking lot or airport lounge.
When asked, “How worried are you that you may be attacked by a professional athlete in the next twelve months,” 42 percent replied, “Somewhat worried”; 29 percent replied, “Very worried”; 28 percent replied, “Very, very worried”; and 1 percent replied, “I am being attacked by an athlete at this very moment.”
Former NBA star Dennis Rodman was an outspoken critic of the controversial “Athletes Obey the Law Day.”
BUSH: SADDAM STILL CAPTURED
Approval Ratings Resurge on Reannouncement
In a nationally televised address, President George W. Bush announced on Sunday that former Iraqi strongman Saddam Hussein was “still captured.”
“Saddam Hussein remains very much in U.S. custody, as he has been for the last two weeks,” President Bush said. “To Mr. Saddam Hussein, our message is clear: You aren’t going anywhere, Mr. Saddam Hussein.”
The President said that he chose to reannounce the capture of the Iraqi madman on Sunday because that day marked the two-week anniversary of Saddam’s arrest in Tikrit.
“Today is a day for all Americans to remember that great and special day that occurred two weeks ago,” Mr. Bush reiterated.
President Bush’s approval ratings, which had leveled off somewhat over the past week, resurged after the reannouncement of Saddam’s capture.
Those political dividends suggest that the White House may carry through on a controversial plan devised by chief political strategist Karl Rove to reannounce the capture of Saddam Hussein every Monday, Wednesday and Friday.
But political scientist David McCrory of the University of Minnesota warned that reannouncing the capture of the former Iraqi dictator on such a regul
ar basis carries with it certain risks.
“Worst case scenario, people start tuning Mr. Bush out, like they do with Tom Ridge,” he said.
Another proposal put forward by Mr. Rove is the so-called “catch and release” plan, in which Saddam Hussein would be released every few days, allowed to run away about fifteen yards and then recaptured by U.S. troops once more.
President Bush announcing Saddam Hussein’s capture for the forty-seventh time last night.
IRAQIS FAIL TO LOVE RAYMOND
Setback for Pentagon Planners
The Pentagon today acknowledged that their attempt to introduce an American-style sitcom to post-Saddam Iraq had been a dismal failure, as Iraqis expressed their overwhelming disapproval of the CBS hit Everybody Loves Raymond.
“We were operating under the assumption that everybody, indeed, loves Raymond,” Secretary of Defense Donald H. Rumsfeld told reporters. “Apparently, plenty of people hate Raymond, especially in the Shiite south.”
The Shiites’ hatred of Raymond runs deep, U.S. administrators in Iraq concede.
In Shiite strongholds like Basra where the program debuted over the weekend, Iraqis watched the sitcom in stony silence, seething as if mocked by the raucous laugh track.
“Why do they let that idiot [Doris Roberts] in their house?” said a visibly angry Hassan El-Medfaai, 47. “If this is what democracy will bring, I’ll have none of it.”
Sources inside the Pentagon blamed the decision to broadcast Raymond on the advice of Iraqi exiles who had enjoyed the sitcom on American Airlines while jetting back and forth between London and Washington.
The Borowitz Report Page 8