The discovery that Iraqis do not love Raymond is only the latest in a series of setbacks for the Pentagon planners, who last month unsuccessfully attempted to introduce Sara Lee breakfast treats to Iraq.
“Whoever said ‘nobody doesn’t like Sara Lee’ never asked the Shiites,” Mr. Rumsfeld acknowledged at the time.
The Pentagon will make one more attempt to introduce Western culture to Iraq next week by broadcasting the eighties dance single “Everybody Wang Chung Tonight” on a twenty-four-hour-a-day basis.
“If I had to guess, by the end of next week every citizen of Iraq will be wang chunging,” Mr. Rumsfeld said. “But I’ve been wrong before.”
KIM’S BLOG
When people ask me what’s the best thing about North Korea being a closed society, it doesn’t even take me a nanosecond to come up with an answer: “We don’t have any American sitcoms here.”
Oh, I know, it’s an easy target. Everyone likes to complain about sitcoms, just the way some people like to bitch about a near-total absence of food. But even so, I see sitcoms for the scourge that they are because I see what the introduction of sitcoms has done to my neighbor, China.
People in the West don’t know this, but China has gone absolutely sitcom-crazy since the introduction of them to the mainland back in the mid-1990s. I can’t go to a nuclear summit there without President Hu Jintao saying “Kiss my grits!” or something retarded like that. Sometimes I’ll say “Dyn-o-mite” just to humor him, but my heart’s not in it. Do you know whose face is on the paper money in China? If you guessed Mao, you’re not even close—it’s Scott Baio circa Charles in Charge.
My biggest fear, the one that keeps me up nights, is that American soldiers are going to pour over the demilitarized zone, seize all of North Korea’s television transmitters and start broadcasting that show with Jim Belushi in it. I sleep with a gun by my pillow, and if that ever happens, yours truly is putting a bullet in his head.
RALPH NADER CONSIDERS WRECKING 2004 ELECTION
But Prominent Crackpots Are Cool to Bid
Activist Ralph Nader is considering wrecking the 2004 presidential election, carrying on an election-wrecking tradition he began in 2000, associates of the spoiler said today.
Mr. Nader was huddling with prominent crackpots in Washington, D.C., today to determine whether he has enough support among wing-nuts and whack-jobs nationwide to mount an entirely meaningless campaign.
“If I wreck the 2004 election, I intend to wreck it in all fifty states,” Mr. Nader told reporters today. “I have no intention of being merely a regional spoiler.”
Mr. Nader added: “If you’re going to screw up an election, screw it up big-time. My supporters expect nothing less from me.”
But across the country, significant numbers of crackpots who have supported Mr. Nader in the past appeared to be cool to his latest bid to wreck the 2004 election.
“If I’m going to waste my vote, I want to be sure I’m wasting it on the right banana-head,” said longtime crackpot Harlan Brill, who supported Rep. Dennis Kucinich (D-Ohio) in this week’s Delaware primary. “It is time for Ralph Nader to step aside for a new generation of goofballs.”
For his part, Mr. Nader said that he would “listen to the voices of crackpots everywhere” before making a final decision to screw up the 2004 race.
If he decides not to run, Mr. Nader said, he will actively seek out people who are in the middle of The Da Vinci Code and wreck the ending for them.
“It won’t be as satisfying as spoiling an entire election, but I think it will still be rewarding on some level,” Mr. Nader said.
Many prominent crackpots want Ralph Nader (above) to step aside for a new generation of egomaniacal goofballs.
EXPERTS GIVE THUMBS-UP TO FIRST-COUSIN MARRIAGES; HILLBILLIES, BRITISH ROYAL FAMILY JUBILANT
State of Kentucky Declares Official Day of Celebration
One day after experts announced that marriages between first cousins were significantly less risky than had previously been thought, jubilant cousin-fanciers praised the findings as a major step forward for inbreeders everywhere.
Reaction to the news was especially joyous in the state of Kentucky, which will celebrate the findings with an official state holiday, tentatively called Kissin’ Cousins Day.
Elsewhere, exuberant hillbillies relished what many of them saw as a vindication of their inbreeding lifestyle.
“I’m just relieved that I won’t have to lie about meeting my wife in high school anymore,” said Dirk Wesson of Slug Hollow, West Virginia.
Amid the general euphoria, however, there was some carping in the hillbilly community that it took scientists so long to jump on the inbreeding bandwagon.
“We were ahead of the curve on this one,” said Clem McGillicutty, a noted hillbilly and prominent inbreeding advocate. “Wonder how long it’ll take those so-called ‘experts’ to recognize the health benefits of grain alcohol?”
Prince Charles (pictured) reacts to the news that first-cousin marriages carry few genetic risks.
On the other side of the Atlantic, a spokesman for the British royal family said that the Windsors were “pinching themselves” about the inbreeding developments.
“It’s jolly good news,” said Charles, the Prince of Wales. “It certainly opens up a fellow’s options a bit, dating-wise.”
Prince Charles has long been linked with British aristocrat Camilla Parker Bowles, but the new, bullish findings about inbreeding seemed to put a question mark over that relationship.
“All bets are off now,” said Prince Charles. “I feel like a chap in a candy store.”
SEGWAY CREATOR INVENTS “ROUND THINGY”
Amazing New Invention Shrouded in Secrecy
Inventor Dean Kamen, who just six months ago created the Segway—a scooter unlike any scooter the world had ever seen—has done it again, this time inventing a “round thingy” that will revolutionize transportation.
Sources close to Kamen say that the round thingy—so shrouded in secrecy that it is referred to in its patent filing only as “the round thingy”—could be attached by means of an axle to other round thingies for use on cars, buses, trucks and other vehicles.
“When people see Dean’s round thingy in action, it is absolutely going to rock their world,” one associate of Mr. Kamen said.
Critics of Mr. Kamen, however, were more skeptical of the Kamen camp’s claims for its amazing new round thingy.
“Dean Kamen isn’t the only person in the world who’s been trying to develop a round thingy,” said Dr. Louis Peverall of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. “The question is whether his round thingy will succeed where so many other round thingies have failed.”
Mr. Kamen, unfazed by the critics, is poised to unveil a series of other groundbreaking inventions in addition to his astonishing round thingy.
His new inventions include a writing implement fabricated from a sharpened piece of graphite encased in wood; an amazing lighting device that consists of an electrified filament contained in an airtight glass bulb; and a hand-held, gear-driven kitchen tool for the “beating” of eggs.
Segway creator Dean Kamen has been evasive on the subject of his latest invention, which he calls a “round thingy.”
TIM RUSSERT PLANNING TO USE ANNOYING CHALKBOARD ON ELECTION NIGHT AGAIN, NBC EXECS FEAR
Newsman, Irritating Prop Have Been “Inseparable” Since Election 2000
NBC newsman Tim Russert, who used a small, handheld chalkboard to illustrate various Electoral College calculations on Election Night 2000, plans to use the annoying prop again this Tuesday night, network insiders worry.
“That chalkboard of Tim’s was cute at first,” one NBC news executive said today. “But ever since the 2000 election, Tim’s been carrying it around everywhere he goes. I mean, get over it.”
Other executives agreed, saying Mr. Russert and his chalkboard have been “inseparable” since the lame prop made its debut in 2000.
According to one news executiv
e, Mr. Russert brings the chalkboard with him to NBC staff meetings and uses it to tally up how many good points he makes, as well as how many stupid remarks are made by others.
“He has one column on the chalkboard labeled GOOD, and one labeled STUPID, and he’s always making these little chalk marks when you’re trying to say something,” the executive said. “Tim and his little chalkboard have turned into one gigantic pain in the ass, and I’m not the only one who feels that way.”
Tim Russert’s annoying little chalkboard has worn out its welcome, coworkers say.
In other election coverage news, the three major networks announced today that they have agreed to wait until the polls are closed before incorrectly predicting the winner of a tight congressional race.
“Once we have confirmation that the polls have closed, then and only then will we incorrectly announce that the loser won the race,” CBS anchor Dan Rather said.
GOD, GOOGLED, EXISTS
59,900,000 Search Results Evidence of Deity, Experts Agree
In the most conclusive evidence of a Supreme Being ever discovered, a Google™ search of God has proved once and for all that He exists, theologians agreed today.
“To those doubters out there who still don’t believe that God exists, I have just one piece of advice: Google™ Him,” said Dr. George Darlington of the University of Minnesota Divinity School.
The Google™ search of God turned up over 59 million websites featuring Him, a number that theological scholars around the world said makes God’s existence an open and shut case.
The stunning discovery, expected to wipe out atheism worldwide, was made entirely by accident by Jason Blivens, 22, a video-store clerk in Tacoma, Washington.
Speaking to reporters today at his home, Mr. Blivens said he meant to do a Google™ search of the word “bod” but accidentally typed the letter “g” instead of “b.”
“As soon as those search results came up, I immediately alerted the authorities,” Mr. Blivens said. “I knew this was something big.”
In contrast with the 59 million sites found for God, a Google™ for Satan turned up only 3 million sites, suggesting that God is much more powerful than Satan, as theologians have long argued.
But in a finding that some scholars called worrisome, Paris Hilton turned up on over 3.5 million sites, indicating that the hotel heiress has actually eclipsed the Lord of Darkness as a force for evil.
In a positive development, however, “good” received 178 million search results while “evil” snagged only 17 million, 16 million of those stemming from foreign policy speeches by President George W. Bush.
LET THERE BE SITES: The Almighty racks up impressive Google™ stats.
STEINBRENNER BUYS FENWAY PARK
Homeless Red Sox Cry Foul
George Steinbrenner’s buying spree continued unabated today as the New York Yankees owner purchased Fenway Park, the legendary home of the archrival Boston Red Sox.
In buying Fenway out from under the Sox, Mr. Steinbrenner has left his Eastern Division rivals without a stadium for the first time in their history, jeopardizing the Red Sox’s bid for the American League pennant.
“It is hard to win a championship without pitching or hitting,” said David Hastings, a sports historian at the University of Minnesota. “But it is virtually impossible to win without a stadium.”
Red Sox owner John Henry, who spent most of the day scrambling to find a high school sandlot where his team might play the 2004 season, held an emotional press conference in Boston to denounce the big-spending Yankee honcho.
“Damn you, George Steinbrenner, damn you!” swore Mr. Henry, shaking his fist violently.
But Mr. Steinbrenner’s shopping day had barely begun, as he went on to outbid the Walt Disney Company for the legendary puppet characters the Muppets.
While Mr. Steinbrenner did not indicate what role the Muppet characters might play in the Yankee organization, his aggressive purchase of Kermit, Miss Piggy et al. reinforced the impression in baseball circles that the Yankee owner is willing to buy anything that is not nailed down.
Yankee owner George Steinbrenner’s decision to buy Fenway Park has left the Boston Red Sox without a home for the first time in franchise history.
Having assumed the $250 million contract of third baseman Alex Rodriguez, however, Mr. Steinbrenner acknowledged that he might have to economize by outsourcing second base to India.
In other baseball news, North Korea’s Kim Jong Il revealed that he attempted to acquire A-Rod until he was told that A-Rod was not a piece of nuclear fuel.
SADDAM’S TRIAL SET FOR MODESTO
Blunts Economic Impact of Losing Peterson Case, Locals Say
Despite mounting protests from Iraqi Shiites demanding that the U.S. turn over Saddam Hussein to them for trial, interim administrator Paul Bremer III announced today that the former Iraqi dictator would be put on trial this spring in Modesto, California.
“We needed to find a place where jurors were likely to give Saddam a fair trial,” Mr. Bremer explained to reporters. “In Modesto, almost no one has heard of Saddam because the only news they have been getting for the last year has been about Scott Peterson.”
In contrast with the Shiites, who took to the streets to protest the decision, Modesto residents were jubilant at the prospect of hosting the high-profile trial, especially after losing the Peterson trial to San Mateo County.
“The economic impact of losing the Scott Peterson case was devastating,” said Ryan McCoy, who owns a café in downtown Modesto and sells gallons of Evian water to visiting journalists. “That’s why it’s such a good thing that we got Saddam—whoever he is.”
But even as Modesto residents celebrated landing the Iraqi madman’s trial, legal experts worried that locals here may not know enough about Saddam Hussein to sit on his jury, with many prospective jurors believing that Saddam was somehow implicated in the Peterson case.
When asked the question, “Who is Saddam Hussein?” Modesto resident Jan Clarke, 35, gave a typical response: “Is he the guy who rented the boat to Scott?”
In Baghdad, Mr. Bremer said the U.S. was exploring a number of scenarios to compensate the angry Shiites for the loss of Saddam, including moving Michael Jackson’s trial to the southern city of Basra.
Sound trucks are at the ready for Saddam Hussein’s much-anticipated trial in Modesto, California.
NORTH KOREA EXPELS IRAN FROM AXIS OF EVIL; NO LONGER EVIL ENOUGH, SAYS KIM
Looking for “Evillerdoer,” North Korean Says
One day after Iran agreed to put a halt to its nuclear program in response to pressure from the international community, North Korea expelled Iran from the Axis of Evil, saying that Iran was “no longer evil enough.”
The decision to oust Iran was made unilaterally by North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il, who aides said was “hopping mad” at Iran’s decision to abide by the anti-nuke mandate.
“You call yourself evildoers?” a furious Kim reportedly bellowed into the phone when he received a call from Iran’s Foreign Minister Kamal Kharrazi, notifying him of Iran’s decision to comply. “My sharpei is eviller than you!”
The expulsion of Iran is just the latest blow to the Axis of Evil, long considered the most elite club of evildoers in the world.
The AOE already lost one of its founding members, Iraq, with the fall of Iraqi madman Saddam Hussein in April, making the departure of Iran potentially devastating to the evil consortium.
As a result, Mr. Kim has shifted into recruitment mode, looking for what he called an “evillerdoer” or two who could join the Axis of Evil and bring it back up to full strength.
Iranian soldiers bid a fond farewell to the Axis of Evil just hours after being dismissed by a furious Kim Jong Il of North Korea.
On Mr. Kim’s short list, aides say, are the nation of Syria and the singer-actress Liza Minnelli, who yesterday was accused of beating up her ex-husband, David Gest, during their brief but tempestuous union.
Else
where, in a Pentagon memo released today, Secretary of Defense Donald H. Rumsfeld writes that there is no way of knowing what, if any, progress has been made in the war against Condoleezza Rice.
KIM’S BLOG
The Axis of Evil was a cool idea in the beginning—get the most evil nations in the world together around a table and see if we could do bigger, better evil things by working as a unit than we could if we were out on our own. At the very least, I thought, it was a chance to share some basic things like mailing lists.
Somewhere along the line, though, things went horribly wrong. I know, it’s time for me to stop bitching about Iraq and Iran dropping out of the Axis—it’s time for me to move on, and find new, truly evil Axis members.
One thing I’ve decided, though—after getting burned by Iraq and Iran, I’m going to make double-damn sure that any evildoers who want to join the AOE in the future have “the right stuff” to be a member in good standing. To that end, I’ve devised the following “Axis of Evil Aptitude Test.”
1. When you see a little old lady crossing the street, do you:
a. help her across
b. run for your 1 life?
c. remove a manhole cover and give her a swift kick in the ass?
2. What words best describe you?
a. thoughtful and caring
b. works well with others
c. the devil incarnate
3. If you won Superlotto or Powerball, would you:
a. retire to the South of France
b. create a charitable foundation to stamp out poverty
c. plow it all into spent nuclear fuel rods and torture chambers
The Borowitz Report Page 9