Take My Dress Off

by S. Gilmour

  Danielle was right. I needed to get myself together! I didn’t want Sloane’s pity and I didn’t want anyone to know, especially Dillon, that anything was wrong between Chaz and me. I decided I would call Chaz that night. I couldn’t take this anymore. Besides, I wanted to see Dusty. Usually whenever I was this upset I would go the ranch in San Luis Rey. It was my safe place, my refuge, and Chaz had taken my safe place hostage.

  My heart jumped when I slowed my car around the corner and saw his car sitting in my driveway. He climbed out as I parked next to the Mustang. I expected him to look as bad as I did, weary eyed, unshaven. But he looked beautiful, like always. He stepped from the car in Levi’s and a cream ribbed V-neck sweater, a navy polo underneath to match the maroon and navy piping on the sweater. I on the other hand looked like a troll. I restrained myself from running to him. I didn’t want to seem desperate and I hadn’t taken a shower this morning.

  He leaned up against his car and crossed his arms over his chest. “Hi.”

  “Hi.”

  He didn’t move toward me so I leaned against the hood of my car.

  “I was worried about you.” He studied my appearance. I know I looked awful. “Baby, come here,” he said and opened his arms.

  I obediently went over to him, sinking into his embrace. I hadn’t felt his strong arms around me in two weeks and I was starved for his affection. He smelled like Polo cologne and soap, familiar and comforting, like Chaz. I probably smelled like a litter box.

  “Say something.”

  I shook my head. I knew if I talked the tears I was trying so bravely to hold back would break like a dam. I wanted to be strong. I wanted him to think I was strong.

  “Want to go get something to eat?”

  I shook my head no.

  He probably felt how thin my frame had become through my sweatshirt. I couldn’t eat, I was too upset. Maddie had been on my case because I had fainted two times this week.

  Yes, I had become that pathetic.

  Maddie had taken me back to the doctor for tests and I had to listen to yet another lecture about my blood sugar. I hated that I had let myself get this way in a matter of days. It was like my situation with Brit all over again, without the stalking part.

  “Can we go inside?” he asked.

  “Okay,” I managed to whisper.

  I unlocked the door and he followed me in. I tossed my keys and bag onto the dining table and sat down. Chaz stood awkwardly next to the table.

  “Maddie’s working?”

  “She’s working twelves.”

  “Twelves?”

  “Twelve hour shifts.”

  “That sucks.”

  “She hates it. But it means she only works three days a week.”

  “Cool.”

  Chaz still wasn’t sitting. It made me anxious, like he was stalling. What if he came over to break up with me for good? At least he had the balls to do it in person.

  “I’ll move Dusty this weekend.”

  “I told you, that’s not necessary. Dusty is fine.”

  “I’m not.” I placed my hand protectively over my heart. I fingered the outline of Chaz’s necklace through my shirt. I wouldn’t take it off. “I want to see my horse.”

  “Paige, you’re not banned from my house. You can see Dusty any time you want.”

  “It’s too awkward. I don’t want you to think I’m invading your space.” It sounded sarcastic. And bitchy. I didn’t plan on it coming out that way but I couldn’t control it.

  “Paige, stop.”

  “Look, will you just get this over with?” I pleaded. “Say what you came to say.”

  “I came over because I miss you.”

  “You miss me?”

  “Of course I miss you,” he said.

  My emotions were on a rollercoaster and I wanted off. I stared back, not knowing how to respond.

  “I love you.”

  He shattered me with those three words. Three words that used to mean so much and now he was tossing them out with no regard as to how they would affect me. The dam that was holding back my tears broke and I threw my head into my hands and sobbed.

  He knelt down in front of me, resting his arms on my thighs. “I’m sorry. I never wanted to hurt you.” He sat on the floor and pulled me onto his lap.

  I sobbed against his chest as he held me. I was so scared by how much I hurt. Deep inside my chest I felt cold, numb.

  “We’ll figure this out, okay?” He swiped at my tears with

  the pads of his thumbs. “I just need to get through Christmas.”

  “Christmas?” I fired back, collecting my breath. “That’s two weeks away!”

  “It’s going to be really hard for my family without Dad.”

  I thought of how difficult Thanksgiving had been on him. How he had chosen alcohol to help him instead of me. He hadn’t been the same since. He was turning into a ghost right in front of my eyes. Each day he faded away more, like a Polaroid in reverse. Lately, I felt lonelier when I was with him than when we were apart.

  “Drinking yourself out of the pain isn’t going to help you or your family, Chaz.”

  “I can’t have you around me when I’m going through this.”

  “I can’t go days without hearing from you.”

  “You can call me whenever you need to.”

  “I don’t want to need to.” I stood up and went over to the kitchen sink. I splashed water onto my face and took a deep breath. I didn’t know how I was going to make it through the next two weeks feeling this miserable. My thoughts drifted to Brit when we broke up. I was desperate, erratic, and irrational. I wasn’t going down that road again. I couldn’t. As I patted my face with a paper towel I felt the walls going up around my heart, securing me into self-preservation. I turned to face Chaz. He was leaning against the dining room table, studying me, his chest rising and falling deeply. His hands clenched the sides of the table, bracing him when I began to speak.

  “You came over today to break up with me.” Was that me talking? I felt like I was standing behind myself. One of me was the strong one talking to him, the other me quivered behind her.

  His stance stiffened. He didn’t confirm or deny my accusation. “I can’t...”

  “I know. So I’m doing it for you.”

  “Please. No.”

  “You’re not being fair to me. You say you love me but you can’t be around me or talk to me because it’s too hard for you? I love you. I need to see you, talk to you. I want to help you with whatever it is you’re going through. Because that’s what you do when you love someone, Chaz. You lean on them and they support you when you can’t stand on your own. I have been through so much with you, I’ve never failed you. Why would I stop now? You’re denying me that.” My voice broke and I swallowed back the lump in my throat. “And it’s so selfish. The worst part is that you won’t tell me why. That’s not fair either. If I did something wrong you at least owe me an explanation.”

  “You didn’t do anything wrong, baby.” He walked over to me and I stiffened as he took me into his arms. “You’re perfect.”

  Before I knew what was happening we were kissing and he backed me up against the wall. My hands stole around his neck as his tongue collided with mine. For a brief moment I was relieved and pretended that this had all been a bad dream. I was going to wake up and be in his bed.

  Then he pulled away from me and said, “I can’t do this.”

  I closed my eyes and tipped my head back against the wall. I couldn’t believe this was happening.

  “I have to go.”

  I stayed against the wall, grateful for its support as I heard the Mustang fade away.

  I was numb the rest of the night. Maddie came home and we watched TV and ate Chinese take-out. She was quiet, waiting for me to talk but I didn’t know how to explain it. “Alright, Paige, spill it,” she said, finally, her gray eyes peering over her glasses. “What’s going on? Why are you home on a Friday night and not with Chaz? You practically live at his
house.”

  I cracked, I confessed everything, my words coming so quickly I couldn’t breathe. I sobbed in her lap as she stroked my hair. “I don’t get it, Maddie, and he won’t tell me.”

  “I know this isn’t going to make you feel better but I don’t think this is about you, honey.”

  She was right about one thing, I didn’t feel better.

  “Chaz is going through a lot, losing his father and all the added responsibility. The holidays are probably wreaking havoc with his feelings. Grief hits people in different ways.”

  I sat up and gathered my hair into a ponytail. “I’ve been right there with him through all of it.”

  “I know, honey, and I’m sure he’s appreciated your support. Maybe he needs to be with his family right now, needs to spend time with his mom and sisters. Give them some time to grieve as a family.”

  I didn’t think about that. Sandy had said at Thanksgiving that she was worried about him, how withdrawn and isolated he had become. She had also asked me to take care of him. I was trying but he wouldn’t let me.

  ***

  The next day I called Woody and asked if he could pick up Dusty and take her back to the ranch in San Luis Rey and he said he would have time on Monday afternoon. Then I called Chaz and got his machine so I left a brief message letting him know about the arrangements. He didn’t call me back.

  I drove over to his house but he wasn’t home so I brushed Dusty and took her for a short ride down the road. She was out of sorts and didn’t want to go faster than a trot. I wanted to gallop and feel the freedom that comes from racing against the wind. I squeezed my legs to urge her on and she hopped and tossed her head. She wasn’t having any of it. When I brushed her down she was really sweaty even though it wasn’t a very warm day. I pulled a carrot from my pocket and held it out to her. She sniffed at it and walked to the other side of her paddock.

  Dusty was just as depressed as I was.

  I leaned on the fence and glanced at the main house. Its massive presence loomed through the impending dusk, dark and quiet. I wondered if Chaz and his family were at Saturday mass. For their sake I really hoped they were.

  Danielle had left for Portland to visit her father and Maddie was at work so I made a sandwich for dinner and settled in bed with the TV.

  Later, Maddie woke me, the phone in her hand.

  “It’s Chaz,” she said.

  “What time is it?”

  “Eleven-thirty.”

  “Chaz?” I yawned.

  “Paige, you need to come over. Something’s wrong with Dusty. When I got home tonight she was rolling in the dirt and wouldn’t get up. Uncle Oscar thinks she has colic.”

  “Oh my God!” I cried. “Make her get up, don’t let her roll! I’m on my way!”

  Maddie called the vet while I threw on a pair of old sweats. The drive was the longest twenty-three minutes of my life and I prayed I wouldn’t get pulled over because I was flying down the highway.

  Dammit, I knew something was up with Dusty. She was acting so strange this afternoon. I should have stayed, I should have watched her…

  I was in tears by the time I arrived. The Firebird slid into the gravel, my headlights shining over the shiny chrome bumper of Uncle Oscar’s truck. I ran up the drive and to the side of the house. My heart quickened when I saw the bright lights illuminating the skylights of the barn, the veterinarian’s truck next to the paddock. Chaz sprinted out of the darkness toward me and I could tell by the fallen expression on his face that the news wasn’t good.

  “Where is she?” I cried.

  “Paige, I’m so sorry.”

  “No!” He wrapped his arms around me and I sobbed. “I need to see her!”

  Dr. Armstrong came over and patted my shoulder. “I’m sorry, Paige. She had been down too long and her intestines were really tied up. There wasn’t much I could do.”

  We walked over to the paddock. Dusty was down by the gate, her beautiful, long, white mane draped over her like a blanket. She was so still.

  Pauvre cita, said Uncle Oscar from behind me. “I tried Paige, I couldn’t get her up.”

  I numbly went through the gate and knelt next to her. She was my best friend. Maddie had bought her for my eighth birthday. I knew something had been wrong with Dusty, she had tried to tell me. I lied on top of her and sniffed as I stroked her soft pink nose.

  Chaz knelt next to me. “C’mon, let’s go inside.” He lifted me up and helped me out of the gate.

  “I can bury her in the paddock by the trees,” said Uncle Oscar. “She’d like that, no?”

  “Sure. Thank you.” I couldn’t think clearly. This wasn’t happening. Chaz and I walked over to the guest house and when we were inside I collapsed against him.

  “I’m so sorry, baby.”

  It felt good to cry, to have his strong arms around me. I was safe, grounded in his embrace. He ran his hands through my hair, sliding the elastic band from my ponytail as Don Henley’s Boys of Summer softly played in the background. Comforting hands poured through the strands, separating them from each other as soft lips kissed over my tears. I winced as my heart quickened, betraying my brain in its attempt to stand firm against his touch. I failed miserably. “I need you.”

  Grief became attraction and attraction became desperation. His mouth sealed over mine, his tongue searching, tasting. He carried me to the bedroom and set me down on his bed. Warm hands moved under my sweatshirt, caressing my back as his fingers slid under my tank top. There was no bra to bother with, I hadn’t had time to put one on. He sucked in his breath, his eyes locking with mine as he delicately fingered his necklace that rested against my skin. I lifted his shirt and brushed my breasts against the soft hairs of his chest, my skin delighting in the feel of his weight as he covered me. My head was swirling with colors, my body buzzing with sensation as the rest of our clothes slipped away.

  My flesh clenched as I felt him press against my entrance. He eased into me slowly, rocking back and forth as I pulled him in deeper, desperately surrendering to the pain as it released, crying out from the force of it. With deep controlled breaths, Chaz buried himself in me, holding me still beneath him. He cried out as his muscles stiffened, then softened as he sought refuge in my weary body. I clung to him, my body limp. I was so exhausted from the last couple of days, now this.

  “Paige?”

  “Chaz?”

  He began in a whisper, “I don’t want you to think this is why I brought you to the house.”

  “I know.”

  “I miss you so much, Paige.”

  “You can’t have it both ways, Chaz. You can’t shut me out of your life and miss me too. That’s not fair.”

  “I know,” he said after a long pause. He squeezed me tightly to him, tenderly kissing my temple.

  Fury was building inside of me now that my grief had been released. Emptiness settled in and though his arms were around me like a vice I knew this was all he could give me right now.

  I needed more.

  I always needed more.

  I rolled away and sat up, my back to him as my feet dangled from the bed. I slipped my arms around my neck and unfastened the necklace. It was ridiculous to keep wearing it.

  “That’s yours, Paige. I don’t want it back.”

  Disregarding him I leaned toward the nightstand. The chain poured from my hand as it pooled onto the hard surface. I reached for my clothes and he watched me as I dressed.

  “Don’t go,” he grabbed my hand.

  “I have to.” I rose from the bed and his hand slipped from mine.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Christmas came and went and I stayed holed up in my house, hiding like a wounded animal. Danielle came back from Portland on New Year’s Eve and tried to get me to come over. Sitting like a third wheel on her sofa while she and Xavier made out didn’t seem appealing to me so I spent the evening with Dick Clark. Chaz called a couple of times but it always sounded strained and obligatory, like he was trying to prove that he wasn�
�t an asshole even though he was. 1986 had been a difficult year and I was glad to see it go. I hoped that 1987 would be a fresh start for me.

  The day before school went back in session Chaz called and asked if I wanted to grab dinner. I declined and I could tell he was hurt. I couldn’t hang out with him, it was too painful. He didn’t seem to understand what “break up” meant. Maybe someday we could be friends again, but not now. I had been in bed all day watching old black and white movies on TV and was planning on staying that way but Danielle had other ideas. She showed up at six-thirty looking vampy in a shiny silver dress with fishnet stockings and silver pumps. We hadn’t seen each other much since she began spending every waking moment connected to Xavier’s lips.

  “We’re going out. Go put on something to rock your bod.”

  “On a school night? No way,” I grimaced.

  “Too bad. We’re going to Rumors tonight. They’re having an eighteen and over party. Xavier has to work and I’m not going without you. Everyone’s going to be there!”

  Rumors was one of the few bars in Vista that didn’t play country music and had a real live DJ with a huge screen for music videos. Chaz and I had talked about going and so of course now the thought of it made me nauseous.

  I pulled the covers over my head.

  “You don’t have a choice. I’m not letting you drown yourself in self-pity and Oreos.” She walked over to my closet and selected a black leather mini-skirt, pairing it with a slinky, sheer, black tank top. “Shower,” she said and yanked me out of bed.

  “I don’t like you,” I glared as I stomped to the bathroom.

  Danielle curled my hair and applied my make-up too. I couldn’t remember the last time I had worn make-up. The Holiday Show? I had barely been functioning the last few days Post Chaz. I slipped on gold pumps, chandelier earrings, and a few bangles.

  “Now there’s the Paige I know and love.” Danielle’s eyes swept over my appearance appraisingly. “You look fierce, it’s time to get you back in the saddle.”

  ***

  Rumors was packed when we arrived but Xavier’s brother Manny was bartending tonight so he gave us over-twenty-one wrist bands. We skipped to the front of the long angry line and were ushered right in by a muscled bald guy with a handlebar moustache. Prince’s Baby I’m a Star pounded over our heads as we settled on tall stools at the bar.