by Jaye Diane
“And then she got pregnant with twins. Wow.” She couldn’t help but smile.
“She was on bedrest the entire time she was pregnant with us. And of course we were so spoiled.”
“I bet,” She said, thinking of the few pictures she’d seen of Lincoln as a child. He’d always been gorgeous, from infancy to toddlerhood to high school. From the pictures, it was clear that he’d gotten to enjoy the best of everything.
“Tell me about your mom,” He prompted after a moment. “I know she passed away when you were a baby.”
A part of her felt like lashing out. She wanted to tell him to mind his business. She didn’t want to discuss her mother. There was a reason she and her father never mentioned the woman.
But that seemed so wrong. If he was her friend before anything else, she shouldn’t feel like he was crossing a line just trying to find out about her and her family. Once they decided it was no longer a good idea to be lovers, she’d like if they could go back to being friends.
It was time to confide in him, at least a little. Ignoring the pinch of alarm that the thought of breaking up with Lincoln brought to her, she sipped her wine and tried to be as casual as possible.
“I don’t know much about her,” She said, shrugging as if it didn’t matter. But of course it had always mattered too much. “All I have are a couple of pictures my father gave me. He got rid of all of her stuff when I was too small to know what was going on.”
She hadn’t understood why there were no traces of her mother anywhere to be found, no matter where they lived. Shawn had finally confessed, when she was eleven or twelve, that he’d thrown all of her mother’s belongings into the trash when Emerald was still a baby.
“She liked to party,” Emerald said. “She was into drugs. All I know is that she died of a drug overdose.”
She heard a harsh breath escape him but she didn’t look at him. She stared down into her wine glass, trying to keep a lid on her emotions. Supposedly people couldn’t miss something they’d never had but she’d missed having a mother and in so many ways, she still did.
“My father used drugs too,” Emerald said, hoping that Lincoln wouldn’t judge her father too severely but suddenly wanting to get the whole story out now that she’d started. “He said that when my mother got pregnant with me, they both promised that they’d stop using. But they didn’t. He didn’t even stop using until about ten years ago.”
Lincoln suddenly pulled her onto his lap and kissed her cheek.
“I had no idea,” He said, his voice very low.
“I didn’t want anyone to know. When I found out, I was depressed for a long time.”
“Of course you were.”
“I didn’t think that my mother was a saint,” She said, barely hearing him, caught up in her memories. “But I’d spun this stupid little fantasy in my head of her dying of some disease or something, not wanting to leave me but having no choice. And asking God to protect me. In reality she was barely home long enough to feed me and was already pregnant by somebody else when she died in some crack house.”
“Fuck,” He breathed and she felt him stroke a hand down her back.
“Her family blamed my father for getting her hooked on drugs but he swears that it was the other way around. I’ll never know. Anyway, he said I met a few of them when I was born but once my mother died, they wanted nothing to do with me.”
If it hadn’t been for Robyn, Emerald knew that she’d probably be dead. She might have fallen victim to the streets that had taken her mother. She might have turned to drugs herself.
“We moved around New Jersey and New York a lot and we always lived in the worst parts. It was all we could afford. My father could never keep a job for very long. That’s why he’s so proud of himself now, with his promotion and all. But back then, he didn’t last three months at a job.”
“How did you get by when he didn’t work?”
“Sometimes we stayed with friends of his or sometimes he’d have a girlfriend who gave him money. We went on and off welfare.” She swallowed several times, feeling a lump forming in her throat. “There were a couple of times that he only had money to pay the rent and it was enough just to have a roof over our heads even though we didn’t have food or electricity.”
If she hadn’t been so caught up remembering the nights she’d been unable to sleep because it was as cold inside as outside, or because her stomach was so painfully empty, she might have felt Lincoln tense beneath her.
“I didn’t have many clothes to wear. I got bullied so bad. I had no choice but to learn how to fight. And that sure shut them up.” She nodded to herself. “I almost got left back because I’d missed so many days due to school suspensions. But there was always some principal or teacher who felt sorry for me and passed me along anyway.”
A tear rolled down her cheek and she hastily wiped it away. When she looked at Lincoln, his own eyes were wet and she felt horrified for running her mouth. But inside, everything was beginning to rumble and she was desperate to get it all out.
“I’m so sorry,” He whispered somberly, wrapping her in a hug so tight that it stole her breath. “No one should have to go through all the things you went through.”
“Plenty of kids do. Every day. It’s a sad reality.”
“I know.” He eased his grip on her and she wiggled off of his lap and sat back on the couch.
Now that she’d started telling Lincoln about her upsetting childhood, she felt so broken inside. She’d struggled so much to forget her past but no matter what she did it would always be a part of her.
All of the shattered pieces of her history were like a sack of glass that she carried along with her, jabbing her from time to time but never cutting too deep. Sitting there with Lincoln, she felt as if she’d finally been sliced up and he was witnessing her bleed.
“I don’t want you feeling sorry for me!” She exclaimed, blinking back tears.
“I don’t,” He declared firmly. “But I do feel sad for the sweet child who faced so much adversity and who had to constantly struggle to survive.”
“It wasn’t all bad,” She rushed to say, sniffling. “My first stepmother was really nice. Her name was Paula and she was a teacher at my school. She wasn’t even my teacher but she saw me around and she followed me home one day to talk to my father. They got married not long after that and she bought me clothes and did my hair. She loved to cook and I would help her sometimes.”
“What went wrong?” He asked.
“My father couldn’t hold down a job. I think she got tired of supporting us. But she kept in touch with me for a few years. We moved too much though. Her letters stopped finding me.”
“How many times has your father been married?”
“Four including my mother. He’s just too damn good looking for his own good. He had a slew of girlfriends in between wives.” She didn’t know why she couldn’t stop talking. He’d probably hate her father by the time she was done and still that wasn’t enough to stop her. It was like a dam had been opened and she couldn’t hold it back although a part of her wanted to.
“I was so stupid. I tried to be their daughter and then when that didn’t work I tried to be their friend. But most of them were young and didn’t want me around. Sometimes my father would go off with them and I’d be home by myself for days at a time. I learned fast that the only one to rely on was myself.”
She looked up, meeting his eyes. “I have to rely on myself, Lincoln. It’s just the way I’m built. It’s just the way that my life has always been.”
He knew the warning was meant for him but he wasn’t going to acknowledge it. He was not going to let her push him away no matter how hard she tried. He was appalled at her upbringing, at how selfish and horrible her parents had been. But he would not let her go it alone. Never again.
He was actually surprised that she wanted to leave his house and stay at her father’s. She’d clearly forgiven her father but who could forget all that neglect? How was she able to h
ave anything to do with her father after all that he’d put her through?
Devin hadn’t been kidding when he’d said that Emerald had a rough life. Linc thought that was the understatement of the century.
“How do you get along with new stepmother?” He asked, deliberately changing the subject. She looked scared and vulnerable as if she’d take flight at any moment.
“We’re okay. We’re still getting to know each other. I kept expecting a divorce announcement but if Christmas is any indication, she’s the real deal.”
“What happened on Christmas?”
“I just saw how much he’s starting to change…and I think it might be due to her.” She shrugged. “I never inspired him to do anything, not even quit drugs. He only did that because he was threatened with jail. He actually prayed before dinner and I think it was because of his wife.”
“Did he ever apologize for…all that you had to go through as a kid?”
“He did.” She nodded slowly. “But I feel like he doesn’t get just how bad it was. But hey, some acknowledgement is better than nothing. I forgave him a long time ago. I had to in order to stop feeling so mad all the time. Robyn taught me that.”
“Robyn’s a special woman.” Being that he and Devin had been friends since the first grade, Linc had gotten to know Robyn and her sister Peyton very well. They’d always been good friends to Devin and by extension, to Linc himself.
“She saved me,” Emerald said simply. “She was my first friend. She was the first classmate not to bully me or ignore me. She treated me like a person. That came from her being bullied herself. I didn’t know until we were good friends that she’d been bullied too.”
He hadn’t known either, until years later, that Robyn had been bullied for being half black and half white. He thought it was incredibly sad that of all the things for people to have in common, being a victim of bullying should never be one of them.
“She welcomed me into her home, shared her toys with me, baked me a cake on my fourteenth birthday. She was a real friend. And I can’t believe I’ve just told you all that.” She shook her head and picked up her wineglass. It was empty. At some point she’d drained her second glass. He wondered if that had something to do with her loose lips.
She put the glass back down.
“I always knew you and Robyn had an incredible bond. Now I know why.”
“I’d do anything for her. Anything.”
He and Devin were the same so he understood her loyalty. But he knew that the trauma that she’d been through had made it very hard for her to attach herself to Robyn. He knew it would take a miracle to ingratiate himself into her life in a similar way. But he’d never been more determined to get anything the way he was to get -and keep- her.
Chapter Ten
She’d always been terrified about telling anyone about her childhood. Whenever a school counselor or teacher had found out the slightest detail, they’d pitied her, judged her or even ostracized her as if she would do similar things to what her parents had done.
Confessing to Robyn had been the hardest thing she’d ever done up until telling Lincoln. But telling him had been cathartic. Now that he knew the truth about her, she felt like he finally knew the real her. And he was treating her just the same. It had been freeing and she felt at peace.
She giggled, knowing that some of her serenity could be attributed to the third glass of wine she was drinking. But she was just buzzed, not drunk, and she truly felt relieved that Lincoln knew her real story.
“What are you laughing about?” He asked, looking thoughtful as he sat on the other end of the couch.
“Just thinking that this should be my last glass of wine. Why do you keep so much liquor in your house?”
“It’s a habit. My dad has a wine cellar and a liquor cabinet.”
His glass of wine still sat on the coffee table, untouched.
“I always drink when I come here,” She said out loud as she realized that fact. “I have to cut back. I never drink this much.”
“I won’t buy as much if that will make you feel better.”
“No, it’s okay.” She giggled again. “I don’t have to have it. I just have it because it’s there. I’m not in danger of becoming addicted or anything.”
“I didn’t think you were,” He rushed to say.
She waved her hand, unoffended. Her parents had been drug addicts so it was natural for certain people to think that she’d have a similar weakness. But she’d never done drugs and she had always been good at controlling herself when it came to alcohol. Seeing her father high out of his mind from drugs was enough to make her never overindulge in anything.
Tonight was new for her in many ways, her drinking and her confession included.
“I’m getting sleepy,” She said, standing up. “I’m going to take a shower.”
He quietly watched her and she stared at him, expecting him to speak. But he didn’t say anything so she walked to his bedroom to look for something to sleep in. She didn’t feel like she was weaving but she didn’t necessarily feel like she was walking normally either.
She dug out a blue pajama set and put her bag back in the closet. She turned to find Lincoln standing right behind her.
“I don’t want you to leave,” He blurted out, looking so cute and so nervous that all she could do was smile sadly.
She stared at him, surprised by his declaration and not knowing what to say. She didn’t want to hurt his feelings or his pride. He’d been so good to her in their couple of weeks together. And when she really thought about it, he’d been good to her in the years that they’d known each other though they hadn’t really been friends until the previous year.
“I can’t stay,” She said at last, touching his arm. Their relationship was already feeling out of control.
“Yes, you can.”
“It wouldn’t be right.”
“Why not?” He demanded, putting his arms around her waist. “I’m not asking you to move in. Just stay until you find a new place of your own.”
“I can’t, Lincoln,” She insisted, trying to move away from him. But he wouldn’t let go.
“What’s the big deal?” He asked, an edge to his voice. “Since we both work so many hours, we’re still seeing each other about the same amount of time that we saw each other before.”
That was true. But still. It was different to go to bed with him at night and wake up with him in the morning. That added intimacy made their association seem so much more serious than it had seemed before.
“You can’t even give me a reason,” He quickly said. “You know I’m right. Just stay here with me.”
She shook her head wordlessly, searching for the right words to explain her feelings. But everything she came up with sounded childish or offensive or just made her seem like she was afraid. And she could never admit to being afraid.
“I care about you, Emerald.”
“I care about you, too,” She admitted and suddenly her heart was roaring in her ears.
“Whenever you find a new apartment, just move out. But there’s no reason for you to go right now.”
He leaned down for a kiss before she could reply and she hurriedly accepted the tip of his tongue into her mouth. He pulled her against him until there was no space between their bodies and the kiss went on and on until she felt dizzy.
“Don’t leave, Emerald,” He breathed against her lips. “You belong right here.”
She pushed him until he landed on the bed and she dropped on top of him, claiming his mouth in a weakening kiss that pushed her doubts to the side.
Linc arrived in his office a few days later, happier than he’d ever remembered being before. The week with Emerald had been the best week in recent memory and although he’d just dropped her off at Devin’s, he couldn’t wait to leave the office to be with her again.
It was New Year’s Eve and he wasn’t planning to stay the full day. He knew he’d better get down to business so he could get out of the office as so
on as possible.
But before he could leave his office to head to the staff meeting, his cell phone rang. Seeing that it was Devin immediately made him wary. Devin never called during work hours unless it was important.
“Dev,” Linc answered the phone austerely, “What’s wrong?”
“Emerald’s okay,” Devin said, speaking very quickly. “But she’s with the cops now.”
“What happened?” If his heart beat any harder he’d be in pain.
“There was a box on her desk when we got to work. It had blood in it.”
“What the fuck!” Linc yelled. The asshole had gotten bold as hell now.
“There was a note. You don’t want to know what it said.” Devin’s voice held restrained rage.
“Well we’ve got him now, don’t we?” Linc asked, his own fury barely held in check. “He has to be on camera.”
“Yeah,” Devin agreed. “The building had just opened. We must have missed him by minutes. He’s damn lucky I didn’t see him lurking around here. I would have kicked his ass.”
“I feel like going to that fucking gym right now and smashing his face in.”
“Don’t do it, bro,” Devin warned. “It won’t do Emerald any good for you to get yourself locked up.”
“I know,” Linc answered, his fury and frustration mounting. “But she’s been through enough as it is and I just want…”
“I know,” Devin’s voice was very low. “I’ve got to go. I told Emerald I was going to call you but she doesn’t want you to come. She said she’ll call you when she goes to lunch.”
She didn’t want him to come. That was no surprise. Any progress they made was made through a huge struggle. It was a nonstop battle to get close to her. He thought about going to 50G anyway but he didn’t want to risk making her anymore upset than she already had to be.
“Call me later,” He muttered.
“Will do.”
He hung up the phone and paced the office before grabbing his folders. He had to get to the meeting before it started without him. And how the hell was he supposed to focus on work knowing that Marley had gone after Emerald again?