Harold Pinter

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Harold Pinter Page 21

by Harold Pinter


  Silence.

  JULIE

  It makes you think, doesn’t it?

  PRUE

  It does make you think.

  LAMBERT

  You see that girl at that table? I know her. I fucked her when she was eighteen.

  JULIE

  What, by the banks of the river?

  LAMBERT waves at SUKI. SUKI waves back. She whispers to RUSSELL, gets up and goes to Lambert’s table followed by RUSSELL.

  SUKI

  Lambert! It’s you!

  LAMBERT

  Suki! You remember me!

  SUKI

  Do you remember me?

  LAMBERT

  Do I remember you? Do I remember you!

  SUKI

  This is my husband Russell.

  LAMBERT

  Hello Russell.

  RUSSELL

  Hello Lambert.

  LAMBERT

  This is my wife Julie.

  JULIE

  Hello Suki.

  SUKI

  Hello Julie.

  RUSSELL

  Hello Julie.

  JULIE

  Hello Russell.

  LAMBERT

  And this is my brother Matt.

  MATT

  Hello Suki, hello Russell.

  SUKI

  Hello Matt.

  RUSSELL

  Hello Matt.

  LAMBERT

  And this is his wife Prue. She’s Julie’s sister.

  SUKI

  She’s not!

  PRUE

  Yes, we’re sisters and they’re brothers.

  SUKI

  They’re not!

  RUSSELL

  Hello Prue.

  PRUE

  Hello Russell.

  SUKI

  Hello Prue.

  PRUE

  Hello Suki.

  LAMBERT

  Sit down. Squeeze in. Have a drink.

  They sit.

  What’ll you have?

  RUSSELL

  A drop of that red wine would work wonders.

  LAMBERT

  Suki?

  RUSSELL

  She’ll have the same.

  SUKI

  (To LAMBERT) Are you still obsessed with gardening?

  LAMBERT

  Me?

  SUKI

  (To JULIE) When I knew him he was absolutely obsessed with gardening.

  LAMBERT

  Yes, well, I would say I’m still moderately obsessed with gardening.

  JULIE

  He likes grass.

  LAMBERT

  It’s true. I love grass.

  JULIE

  Green grass.

  SUKI

  You used to love flowers, didn’t you? Do you still love flowers?

  JULIE

  He adores flowers. The other day I saw him emptying a piss pot into a bowl of lilies.

  RUSSELL

  My dad was a gardener.

  MATT

  Not your grandad?

  RUSSELL

  No, my dad.

  SUKI

  That’s right, he was. He was always walking about with a lawn mower.

  LAMBERT

  What, even in the Old Kent Road?

  RUSSELL

  He was a man of the soil.

  MATT

  How about your grandad?

  RUSSELL

  I never had one.

  JULIE

  Funny that when you knew my husband you thought he was obsessed with gardening. I always thought he was obsessed with girls’ bums.

  SUKI

  Really?

  PRUE

  Oh yes, he was always a keen wobbler.

  MATT

  What do you mean? How do you know?

  PRUE

  Oh don’t get excited. It’s all in the past.

  MATT

  What is?

  SUKI

  I sometimes feel that the past is never past.

  RUSSELL

  What do you mean?

  JULIE

  You mean that yesterday is today?

  SUKI

  That’s right. You feel the same, do you?

  JULIE

  I do.

  MATT

  Bollocks.

  JULIE

  I wouldn’t like to live again though, would you? Once is more than enough.

  LAMBERT

  I’d like to live again. In fact I’m going to make it my job to live again. I’m going to come back as a better person, a more civilised person, a gentler person, a nicer person.

  JULIE

  Impossible.

  Pause.

  PRUE

  I wonder where these two met? I mean Lambert and Suki.

  RUSSELL

  Behind a filing cabinet.

  Silence.

  JULIE

  What is a filing cabinet?

  RUSSELL

  It’s a thing you get behind.

  Pause.

  LAMBERT

  No, not me mate. You’ve got the wrong bloke. I agree with my wife. I don’t even know what a filing cabinet looks like. I wouldn’t know a filing cabinet if I met one coming round the corner.

  Pause.

  JULIE

  So what’s your job now then, Suki?

  SUKI

  Oh, I’m a schoolteacher now. I teach infants.

  PRUE

  What, little boys and little girls?

  SUKI

  What about you?

  PRUE

  Oh, Julie and me – we run charities. We do charities.

  RUSSELL

  Must be pretty demanding work.

  JULIE

  Yes, we’re at it day and night, aren’t we?

  PRUE

  Well, there are so many worthy causes.

  MATT

  (To RUSSELL) You’re a banker? Right?

  RUSSELL

  That’s right.

  MATT

  (To LAMBERT) He’s a banker.

  LAMBERT

  With a big future before him.

  MATT

  Well that’s what he reckons.

  LAMBERT

  I want to ask you a question. How did you know he was a banker?

  MATT

  Well it’s the way he holds himself, isn’t it?

  LAMBERT

  Oh, yes.

  SUKI

  What about you two?

  LAMBERT

  Us two?

  SUKI

  Yes.

  LAMBERT

  Well, we’re consultants. Matt and me. Strategy consultants.

  MATT

  Strategy consultants.

  LAMBERT

  It means we don’t carry guns.

  MATT and LAMBERT laugh.

  We don’t have to!

  MATT

  We’re peaceful strategy consultants.

  LAMBERT

  Worldwide. Keeping the peace.

  RUSSELL

  Wonderful.

  LAMBERT

  Eh?

  RUSSELL

  Really impressive. We need a few more of you about.

  Pause.

  We need more people like you. Taking responsibility. Taking charge. Keeping the peace. Enforcing the peace. Enforcing peace. We need more like you. I think I’ll have a word with my bank. I’m moving any minute to a more substantial bank. I’ll have a word with them. I’ll suggest lunch. In the City. I know the ideal restaurant. All the waitresses have big tits.

  SUKI

  Aren’t you pushing the tits bit a bit far?

  RUSSELL

  Me? I thought you did that.

  Pause.

  LAMBERT

  Be careful. You’re talking to your wife.

  MATT

  Have some respect, mate.

  LAMBERT

  Have respect. That’s all we ask.

  MATT

  It’s not much to ask.

  LAMBERT

  But it’s crucial.

  Pause.
/>   RUSSELL

  So how is the strategic consultancy business these days?

  LAMBERT

  Very good, old boy. Very good.

  MATT

  Very good. We’re at the receiving end of some of the best tea in China.

  RICHARD and SONIA come to the table with a magnum of champagne, the WAITER with a tray of glasses. Everyone gasps.

  RICHARD

  To celebrate a treasured wedding anniversary.

  MATT looks at the label on the bottle.

  MATT

  That’s the best of the best.

  The bottle opens. RICHARD pours.

  LAMBERT

  And may the best man win!

  JULIE

  The woman always wins.

  PRUE

  Always.

  SUKI

  That’s really good news.

  PRUE

  The woman always wins.

  RICHARD and SONIA raise their glasses.

  RICHARD

  To the happy couple. God bless. God bless you all.

  EVERYONE

  Cheers. Cheers …

  MATT

  What a wonderful restaurant this is.

  SONIA

  Well, we do care. I will say that. We care. That’s the point. Don’t we?

  RICHARD

  Yes. We do care. We care about the welfare of our clientele. I will say that.

  LAMBERT stands and goes to them.

  LAMBERT

  What you say means so much to me. Let me give you a cuddle.

  He cuddles RICHARD.

  And let me give you a cuddle.

  He cuddles SONIA.

  This is so totally rare, you see. None of this normally happens. People normally – you know – people normally are so distant from each other. That’s what I’ve found. Take a given bloke – this given bloke doesn’t know that another given bloke exists. It goes down through history, doesn’t it?

  MATT

  It does.

  LAMBERT

  One bloke doesn’t know that another bloke exists. Generally speaking. I’ve often noticed.

  SONIA

  (To JULIE and PRUE) I’m so touched that you’re sisters. I had a sister. But she married a foreigner and I haven’t seen her since.

  PRUE

  Some foreigners are all right.

  SONIA

  Oh I think foreigners are charming. Most people in this restaurant tonight are foreigners. My sister’s husband had a lot of charm but he also had an enormous moustache. I had to kiss him at the wedding. I can’t describe how awful it was. I’ve got such soft skin, you see.

  WAITER

  Do you mind if I interject?

  RICHARD

  I’m sorry?

  WAITER

  Do you mind if I make an interjection?

  RICHARD

  What on earth do you mean?

  WAITER

  Well, it’s just that I heard all these people talking about the Austro-Hungarian Empire a little while ago and I wondered if they’d ever heard about my grandfather. He was an incredibly close friend of the Archduke himself and he once had a cup of tea with Benito Mussolini. They all played poker together, Winston Churchill included. The funny thing about my grandfather was that the palms of his hands always seemed to be burning. But his eyes were elsewhere. He had a really strange life. He was in love, he told me, once, with the woman who turned out to be my grandmother, but he lost her somewhere. She disappeared, I think, in a sandstorm. In the desert. My grandfather was everything men aspired to be in those days. He was tall, dark and handsome. He was full of good will. He’d even give a cripple with no legs crawling on his belly through the slush and mud of a country lane a helping hand. He’d lift him up, he’d show him his way, he’d point him in the right direction. He was like Jesus Christ in that respect. And he was gregarious. He loved the society of his fellows, W. B. Yeats, T. S. Eliot, Igor Stravinsky, Picasso, Ezra Pound, Bertholt Brecht, Don Bradman, the Beverley Sisters, the Inkspots, Franz Kafka and the Three Stooges. He knew these people where they were isolated, where they were alone, where they fought against savage and pitiless odds, where they suffered vast wounds to their bodies, their bellies, their legs, their trunks, their eyes, their throats, their breasts, their balls –

  LAMBERT

  (Standing) Well, Richard – what a great dinner!

  RICHARD

  I’m so glad.

  LAMBERT opens his wallet and unpeels fifty-pound notes. He gives two to RICHARD.

  LAMBERT

  This is for you.

  RICHARD

  No, no really –

  LAMBERT

  No no, this is for you. (To SONIA) And this is for you.

  SONIA

  Oh, no please –

  LAMBERT dangles the notes in front of her cleavage.

  LAMBERT

  Shall I put them down here?

  SONIA giggles.

  No I’ll tell you what – you wearing suspenders?

  SONIA giggles.

  Stick them in your suspenders. (To WAITER) Here you are son. Mind how you go.

  Puts a note into his pocket.

  Great dinner. Great restaurant. Best in the country.

  MATT

  Best in the world I’d say.

  LAMBERT

  Exactly. (To RICHARD) I’m taking their bill.

  RUSSELL

  No, no you can’t –

  LAMBERT

  It’s my wedding anniversary! Right? (To RICHARD) Send me their bill.

  JULIE

  And his.

  LAMBERT

  Send me both bills. Anyway …

  He embraces SUKI.

  It’s for old time’s sake as well, right?

  SUKI

  Right.

  RICHARD

  See you again soon?

  MATT

  Absolutely.

  SONIA

  See you again soon.

  PRUE

  Absolutely.

  SONIA

  Next celebration?

  JULIE

  Absolutely.

  LAMBERT

  Plenty of celebrations to come. Rest assured.

  MATT

  Plenty to celebrate.

  LAMBERT

  Dead right.

  MATT slaps his thighs.

  MATT

  Like – who’s in front? Who’s in front?

  LAMBERT joins in the song, slapping his thighs in time with MATT.

  LAMBERT and MATT

  Who’s in front?

  Who’s in front?

  LAMBERT

  Get out the bloody way

  You silly old cunt!

  LAMBERT and MATT laugh.

  SUKI and RUSSELL go to their table to collect handbag and jacket, etc.

  SUKI

  How sweet of him to take the bill, wasn’t it?

  RUSSELL

  He must have been very fond of you.

  SUKI

  Oh he wasn’t all that fond of me really. He just liked my … oh … you know …

  RUSSELL

  Your what?

  SUKI

  Oh … my … you know …

  LAMBERT

  Fabulous evening.

  JULIE

  Fabulous.

  RICHARD

  See you soon then.

  SONIA

  See you soon.

  MATT

  I’ll be here for breakfast tomorrow morning.

  SONIA

  Excellent!

  PRUE

  See you soon.

  SONIA

  See you soon.

  JULIE

  Lovely to see you.

  SONIA

  See you soon I hope.

  RUSSELL

  See you soon.

  SUKI

  See you soon.

  They drift off.

  JULIE (off)

  So lovely to meet you.

  SUKI (off)

  Lovely to meet you.

 
Silence.

  The WAITER stands alone.

  WAITER

  When I was a boy my grandfather used to take me to the edge of the cliffs and we’d look out to sea. He bought me a telescope. I don’t think they have telescopes any more. I used to look through this telescope and sometimes I’d see a boat. The boat would grow bigger through the telescopic lens. Sometimes I’d see people on the boat. A man, sometimes, and a woman, or sometimes two men. The sea glistened.

  My grandfather introduced me to the mystery of life and I’m still in the middle of it. I can’t find the door to get out. My grandfather got out of it. He got right out of it. He left it behind him and he didn’t look back.

  He got that absolutely right.

  And I’d like to make one further interjection.

  He stands still.

  Slow fade.

  THREE SKETCHES

  The short sketches which follow, from different periods of Harold Pinter’s life, appeared in print for the first time in the 2011 edition of this volume

  UMBRELLAS

  CHARACTERS

  A

  B

  Umbrellas was first presented as part of the revue You, Me and the Gatepost, performed for one night only at the Nottingham Playhouse on 27 June 1960.

  Two gentlemen in deckchairs on the terrace of a large hotel. Wearing shorts and sunglasses. Sunbathing. They do not move throughout the exchange.

  A

  The weather’s too much for me today.

  Pause.

  B

  Well, you’re damn lucky you’ve got your umbrella.

  A

  I’m never without it, old boy.

  Pause.

  B

  I think I’d do well to follow your example.

  A

  Yes, you would. Means the world to me. I never find myself at a loss. You understand what I mean?

  B

  You’re a shrewd fellow, I’ll say that for you.

  Pause.

  A

  My house is full of umbrellas.

  B

  You can’t have too many.

  A

  You’ve never said a truer word, old boy.

  Pause.

  B

  I haven’t got one to bless myself with.

  Pause.

  A

  Well, I can foresee a time you’ll regret it.

  B

  I think the time’s come, old boy.

  A

  You can’t be too careful, old boy.

  Pause.

  B

  Well, you’ve got your feet firmly planted on the earth, there’s no doubt about that.

  Pause.

  A

  I certainly feel secure, old boy.

  B

  Yes, you know where you stand, all right. You can’t take that away from you.

  Pause.

 

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