A Woman Lost

by T. B. Markinson

  “What?”

  “It’s a little messy, but I was expecting a total wreck … dishes and dirty clothes from your trip.”

  The mess consisted mostly of my books and journals spread all over the coffee table. I was intentionally drowning in work. When work wasn’t occupying my mind, it always wandered to thoughts of Sarah. And when I thought about her, it was nearly impossible not to call her.

  Maddie walked over to my bike, which leaned against the wall. Since Sarah had left, I had never bothered to hang it up out of the way. Maddie examined the odometer. “You’re still riding. That’s good news, I guess.”

  She walked into the kitchen, and I followed. “Have you eaten anything since you got back?” she said as she opened the fridge.

  “I’ve been eating out.”

  “Where are all of the takeout containers? The leftovers? This kitchen looks like no one has been in it for months. Nothing has been used or is out of place.”

  I didn’t say anything.

  “All right, missy, get out of your sweats. We’re going to lunch.”

  I tried to protest, but the fire in her eyes stopped me dead. Quickly, I turned and went to the bedroom to dress.

  Within half an hour, Maddie and I were seated at Beau Jo’s. Maddie placed our food order and asked for a glass of wine for herself and a rum and Coke for me without even giving me a chance to turn it down. Then she ordered two large pizzas with all the fixings. “You can take the leftovers home.”

  I sipped my water and avoided eye contact.

  “So what are you going to do?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Are you going to call her?” Maddie fixed me with a glare.

  “She asked me not to.”

  Her eyes softened. “But you miss her?”

  “Of course I do.”

  “You love her?”

  I nodded.

  “That is all I needed to know.”

  I laughed. “Are you gathering intelligence?” I stared out the window at the mountains, so solid, so permanent. I had convinced myself I didn’t need that. I was attempting to squeeze out the last drops of my youth. For me, finishing my PhD marked my official entrance into adulthood. I would no longer be sheltered by my student status. It was time to grow up. Happy memories with Sarah slowly flooded my mind.

  Maddie put a hand on my arm and I noticed I felt nothing. No frisson of attraction. She was a friend, nothing more. “Stop thinking so much,” she told me. “Don’t let your brain dictate your life. Open up your heart and chase your dreams. Everybody has dreams, but not everyone has the heart to plunge in headfirst. Take the plunge, Lizzie. You may not always succeed, but you won’t die wondering.”

  Our pizzas arrived. “But don’t worry about that right now. I need you to finish your drink so you can have another one.”

  “Really? Why?”

  “You have a wedding to attend, and I’m betting you haven’t given a thought to what you’ll wear.”

  “What’s wrong with what I’m wearing now?” I smiled.

  “That’s what I thought.” She winked. “After we finish up here, we’re going shopping for a dress. If you don’t dress appropriately, your mom won’t let you in. And you don’t want to miss the show.”

  “The show!”

  “Trust me, it won’t bore you. Do you think I could get your mom to dance on top of any tables? We could spike her scotch with acid or something.”

  “My life is bad enough right now. I don’t need to be traumatized by a strip show featuring my mother.”

  “Oh that would never happen. I think she sews those navy suits to her skin.” She laughed.

  “Can’t you just pick out the dress and send it to my place,” I whined.

  “No! And I don’t want to hear any complaints, missy.”

  “Good luck with that.”

  “Oh, don’t worry. I brought some duct tape. I’ll tape your mouth shut. Now I know why Sarah did all of your shopping for you.” She passed me a napkin and gestured to the corner of her mouth. “You’ve got sauce on your chin,” she said, smiling as I dabbed at it. After a few quiet moments, she said, “Oh, by the way you have a hair appointment the morning of the wedding. Don’t miss it.”

  She flicked me a card with the appointment date and time. The directions were scrawled on in her long, looping handwriting. I sighed and put it in my back pocket. Then I shoved a piping hot slice of pizza into my mouth.

  “Now that’s a good girl.” Her eyes sparkled. I didn’t have to heart to tell her that I had been eating all along, gorging even, and that the reason there were no leftovers in my apartment was because my appetite was out of control. I wanted Maddie to feel she was accomplishing something.

  Chapter Thirty-Nine

  The day of the wedding finally arrived. Without Sarah as my buffer, I felt more out of place than ever. Full of nervous energy, I stood outside, staring at the flowers that enlivened the grounds of the posh hotel. Peter had rented all of the rooms of the small hotel to accommodate all of the out-of-town guests. It was located just outside of Denver and specialized in weddings. Maddie had insisted the wedding be outside, rain or shine. Mom insisted that the Californian in her made her want to get married outside rather than in a church. According to The Scotch-lady, Californians were barbarians who preferred living in the wild. Fortunately, the weather was beautiful and the summer flowers were in full bloom.

  I stood awkwardly off to the side while the other guests trickled in. Not only did I feel out of place standing there, but I also looked stupid. Maddie had chosen my dress, and while it wasn’t taffeta, thankfully, dresses never did fit me right. My left shoulder is an inch higher than my right, so the dress hung on my frame at a slant. To make it worse, I kept catching myself slouching to offset the slant. I felt like a hunchback in pink Chiffon and contemplated scratching like a monkey to round out the picture.

  “Hello there.”

  It was a voice I hadn’t heard in weeks. And for the first time, it sent shivers down my body. Slowly, I turned around. Sarah.

  She stood there wearing an off-white strapless satin dress, stark against her golden brown skin. She had a sassy new haircut, with highlights, and her neck was encircled by one of the necklaces I had sent her.

  “Hi.” I paused for a moment, not knowing what to say. Not knowing whether to say what I wanted to. I decided to go for it. “You look fantastic. I love your new haircut.”

  She blushed, and looked down at her feet. I stared at the flowers behind her, feeling like we were on a second date.

  Several seconds passed in silence.

  “How have you been?” It had only been weeks since she left, but it felt like years.

  She smiled and shrugged. Then she started to laugh, which caught me off guard. “Maddie didn’t tell you that she called me last week to insist I come?” She shook her head. “You know, Maddie, she has a way.”

  I laughed with her. “Tell me about it. I’m wearing a pink dress.” I held out a part of the chiffon skirt.

  It made Sarah laugh even harder. She had never looked more beautiful.

  “By the way, how did she convince you to come? She pouted to make me wear this dress. And she got me drunk.”

  Sarah’s eyes softened, and then she looked at the ground again. “She said you would be lost without me, and that you needed me. Don’t worry, I know those were her words not yours; you would never say that.” She smiled.

  “She’s right, though,” I said quietly. “I am lost without you.”

  A few people approached and I played the hostess and directed them to the seating area. Sarah never took her eyes off me and I saw they were wide with pure shock. When we were alone again, she asked bluntly, “Did you mean that?”

  “Yes.” I stared directly into those beautiful brown eyes. “You know that phrase ‘You never know what you have until it’s gone.’ Well, I learned the true meaning of it.”

  “Please, Lizzie, this is hard enough. The wedding … you … Maddie
. Please don’t play games with me.” Her voice and eyes were pleading with me.

  “I know you have no reason to trust me, but I’m not playing games.”

  Another couple approached. Sarah and I rushed through polite conversation and then I took her arm and directed her away from the wedding area. Screw being nice to my mother’s friends, who couldn’t even remember my name. Most of them didn’t even know I was a member of the family.

  When we found a private spot, Sarah pushed my arm away. “I don’t understand you at all. If you felt that way, why didn’t you try to call me?” The threat of tears choked her angry words.

  “Sarah, you asked me not to contact you. I thought that after all I put you through, I could at least respect your last wish.”

  “I didn’t want to talk to you.”

  I laughed but stopped myself, and looked at her, suddenly panicked that I had blown it again.

  But a smile inched across her cheeks. “This is a fine mess. I’m crying, you look miserable, and your brother is getting married in less than an hour.”

  “True.” I felt like we were in a soap opera. I fidgeted and then came to a decision. “How about we just enjoy this day together? You’re here because Maddie gave you a guilt trip. I’m here because I have to be. Let’s just make the best of it. At least there’ll be cake.”

  Sarah smiled. “I do like cake.”

  I took her hand and we strolled back to the guests. A few heads turned, and for the first time, I didn’t give a shit. I hoped my mother saw us holding hands at my brother’s wedding on my birthday.

  Sarah made pleasant chitchat with more arriving guests. She could charm the pants off of the pope, I thought, if he wore pants under his robe.

  Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Maddie hiding behind a tree, waving for my attention. I whispered in Sarah’s ear and gave her a kiss on the cheek. She smiled and continued making small talk with some of Maddie’s guests.

  Grabbing my arm, Maddie began to pull me frantically into her room. For the sake of tradition, Peter and Maddie had separate rooms the night before the wedding. Before I could say anything, she blurted, “I’m not going through with this.”

  I smiled briefly. The thought of my brother being stood-up at the altar pleased me.

  “Calm down, Maddie.” She was pacing back and forth. I thought for sure she would crash right through the wall.

  My statement pissed her off. “Calm down … ” She turned on me. “Calm down? Why should I calm down? What a fucking asshole. He had the gall to tell me to get used to it. That she wasn’t going away.” She kicked a trash can across the room. “What a fucking asshole!”

  Dumbfounded, I asked her what she was talking about.

  “Like you don’t know. Everyone knows. He isn’t very secretive about it.”

  “Seriously, what are you talking about?”

  Maddie stopped suddenly and looked taken aback. “You really don’t know.”

  I shook my head.

  “He’s cheating on me.”

  It all made sense instantly. That was why he was never home. That was why she would get a forlorn, lonely look sometimes. That was why she spent so much time in Fort Collins. How could I be so stupid and insensitive not to notice? In her hotel room, she said I was more like my family than I knew. Now I understood.

  “Honestly, Maddie, I didn’t know. I’m so sorry.”

  “I thought for sure you knew but were too nice to mention it.” She collapsed into a chair. “He wants everything to be perfect. A perfect career. A perfect wife. Perfect kids. And a perfect mistress. I was just another piece of the perfect puzzle. He needed a beautiful wife to go with his perfect life. No one wants to marry the mistress. But this isn’t the 1800s. Wives don’t just look the other way anymore. I’m not your mother.”

  “What?”

  “Really, Lizzie? Are you that oblivious to everything? Your father has been having an affair for years. You can’t possibly think he works all of the time.” She threw her arms up in the air, exasperated.

  “I guess I never gave it much thought.” I shrugged. The news didn’t affect me. I felt no pity for my mother, no anger at my father. I had cut them from my life long ago. Their actions no longer had any impact on me.

  “Peter even told me I should learn from his mother. She had everything she wanted: money, houses, rich friends, expensive vacations. But look at her, Lizzie, she’s miserable. I don’t want to be miserable.” Her eyes screamed bloody-murder.

  I wished Sarah were here; she would know what to say. I stood awkwardly and offered to tell Peter the wedding was off.

  Maddie looked up at me. “No,” she said.

  “You don’t plan on going through with it, do you?”

  She laughed. “No, I don’t. But I don’t plan on telling him that. Let him stand up there and look like a fool. See how he likes it.”

  The image was delightful. I smiled and nodded.

  “I saw Sarah with you.”

  “Yes, she told me you guilt-tripped her into coming.”

  “You really are clueless, aren’t you?”

  Instead of being offended, I answered, “Yes.”

  “Don’t mess this up, Lizzie.”

  My confused look must have urged her to continue. “Yes. I guilted her, but she came, didn’t she? She came. She still cares. Yes, she wants to make you suffer for a while. But she’s a woman; that’s what we do. Don’t mess this up again. Are you ready to take the plunge?” She hit me in the arm.

  I couldn’t believe that one minute she was telling me she was not going to get married, and the next she was calling me a moron for ruining my relationship with Sarah.

  “I hope not to ruin anything. But right now, what are we going to do?”

  “I think I am going to leave.”

  “Where can I take you?”

  “Lizzie, if you go with me, I think Peter will figure it out.”

  “Um, Maddie, I don’t know if you noticed, but I’m not particularly close to my brother, or to anyone else in my family. I don’t give a fuck what they think.”

  She threw me a look of relief and said, “Let me change out of this horrible dress.” She rushed behind the changing screen.

  “Okay, let me go get Sarah.”

  She popped back into view. “Bravo, Lizzie. You might not fuck this up after all.”

  “I hope not.” I disappeared out of the room.

  Sarah was in the same spot, talking to a new couple. I approached quietly, and when there was a break in the conversation, I excused us and directed her to Maddie’s room. On the way, I quickly explained we were leaving with Maddie.

  Sarah didn’t even bat an eye. “Thank God,” she said. “Your brother is such an asshole.”

  I almost said that it runs in the family, but decided against it. How had I been so oblivious to everything? It astounded me. Ethan was dead-on. I was self-absorbed.

  By the time we got back, Maddie was ready to go. She had left the dress hanging in the room with a note that read, “Give it to her.”

  As the three of us exited the room, The Scotch-lady approached. For once, she didn’t have a drink in her hand. She looked naked, vulnerable.

  “Going somewhere?” she hissed.

  At first, I wanted to tell her to go to hell. Then I looked at her‌—‌looked at her properly for probably the first time in years. She looked small. Weak. Sad.

  “Mother‌—‌” What to say? “I didn’t know. I’m sorry.”

  She misunderstood. “Don’t apologize. I’m happy to be rid of both of you.” She glared at Maddie and then at me. “Really, I thought this would be one of the worst days of my life, but now I’ve killed two birds with one stone, wouldn’t you say?” She cocked one thin eyebrow.

  Her ire did not hurt. I felt sorry for her.

  I considered giving her a quick hug. Maybe Maddie sensed this, because she yanked my arm away to save me from my mom’s reaction if I did.

  “That’s right, Elizabeth. You better leave wit
h your harem.” She clenched her jaw. “It looks like we can have a proper Christmas party this year‌—‌just like I’ve always wanted. With you gone, things can be normal again.”

  I looked at her and bowed my head. Hopefully, that would make her happy, even if it were a fleeting happiness.

  We piled into my car. It was only noon, and it was so nice out that I decided we should go to the mountains. Maddie was wearing jeans and a T-shirt, but Sarah and I were still wearing dresses. Not digging the pink dress, I had packed a bag of clothes to change into at the first opportunity. However, Sarah had planned on heading back to Fort Collins later that night, so had nothing to change into.

  I pulled off I-25 at the nearest mall.

  “Sarah, I think it’s time I bought you clothes for once.”

  “Why? Where are we going?”

  “If it’s all right with you two, I thought we could go to Breckenridge for the weekend.”

  “That sounds fantastic, but I can’t use my credit cards, or at least I don’t think I can. I’m sure Peter will have them cancelled within minutes of finding the dress.” Maddie looked despondent.

  “You can count on that. No worries, though. He doesn’t have access to mine. And since we are on summer break, Sarah and I don’t have any classes on Monday. So we can make it a long weekend.”

  “I’m supposed to be on my honeymoon, so I don’t need to be at work on Monday.” Maddie sighed and looked out the window.

  When we parked, Sarah hopped out of the car first. Maddie squeezed my arm and gave me an encouraging look. She whispered, “Happy Birthday.”

  Was my gift Sarah? Or was it Maddie jilting Peter at the altar? Maybe both.

  * * *

  Later that day, the three of us sat at a restaurant in Breckenridge. It was happy hour at The Whale’s Tail, and that included ten-cent shrimp and cheap booze. All of us were gorging ourselves on shrimp and beer while Maddie filled Sarah in on the details. Even on the second hearing, I was kicking myself for being so stupid.

  When Maddie had finished, Sarah said, “I suspected he was cheating, but I wasn’t sure.”

  “Really?”