Everything Unexpected

by Caroline Nolan

“Will you be quiet,” I scold, looking around us to see if anyone else can hear our conversation.

  “Why? They must know. You’re already pregnant,” he says, grinning.

  Holly comes up beside Shane, nudging him in the side. “Nice touch,” she says, looking down at the bouquet. “I have no idea where you guys are going to put all this stuff.”

  Together, Shane and I look over to the corner of the terrace where there are more gifts in one place than I’ve ever seen. When Charlotte told me to go ahead and register for some baby things, I wasn’t expecting to get everything on the list and then some. I feel very fortunate but at the same time, very overwhelmed. Holly’s right. Where will this all go?

  I look over to Shane, his expression unfazed.

  “I’ve instructed some of the staff to start putting the gifts in our cars,” Holly says, handing Shane her keys.

  “About that,” he says, cocking his head in the direction of the gifts. “When we get home, we should talk about that.”

  I watch how his eyes change, becoming brighter, happier. Excited even. He wants to talk. Seems eager about it too. Finally, we are going to discuss things. Everything we should have already said, we will say tonight. And I have a good feeling about it, about our future. How can I not when he looks at me the way he is now?

  I nod. “Yeah, okay.”

  Shane smiles and kisses me on the cheek before leaving to supervise the handling of all the gifts.

  Guests are doing their last round of mingling, stopping to wish me luck as they leave. I thank all of them, but my mind is already somewhere else. All I can think about is the conversation Shane and I are finally going to have. I save my last goodbye for Charlotte who wants to stay back and speak with the owner of the restaurant to personally thank him for the day. I’ve already told her thank you at least a hundred times but I say it twice more, hugging her, appreciating the fact that even though my own mother wasn’t here, I had Charlotte and that was much better.

  “Ready?” Holly asks, grabbing both our bags.

  I nod.

  We walk out of the restaurant onto the street, the late afternoon sun shining bright, hitting me directly in the eyes. I bring my hand up over my eyes to protect from the glare, putting everything back into focus. Putting Shane who’s ten feet away into focus. One hand resting on the door of his Jeep, the other at his hip, he’s too busy to notice me because he’s talking to someone. A woman.

  A tall, skinny, beautiful woman.

  A model.

  “Who’s that?” Holly asks.

  “I’m not sure,” I say.

  I walk a step behind Holly, moving closer and closer in Shane’s direction. As soon as he sees us, I notice how rigid and stiff he becomes.

  “Hello,” Holly says while tilting her head, studying this woman before turning her eyes towards Shane.

  “Hello,” the woman answers, smiling.

  An awkward silence comes around our small group. Sets of eyes moving from one person to the next.

  “Are you a co-worker of Shane’s?” Holly asks.

  “Not exactly—” she answers, looking to Shane, waiting for him to say something, but he remains frozen, unable to speak. I watch as she nudges Shane in the shoulder, knocking him off balance. She breathes out a small laugh.

  “We did a shoot together a few months ago,” she reveals, still watching him. She has an accent but her English is perfect.

  Shane is still working on righting himself as she says all of this, but it’s her next few words that knock me off balance.

  “He was my Valentine.”

  “HE WAS MY Valentine.”

  Those words are paralyzing. I feel my chest constrict, my ribs squeeze, pushing what little air is left out of me. It takes all the will power I have not to look at Leah, which I know only makes this all look so much worse. But I can’t let her see what I’m trying so hard to hide. Fear. Guilt. More fear. I blink back my dread, my nausea, trying my best to seem unaffected by Natalia’s words. I swallow the giant sized rock that’s formed in my throat and do my best to seem unfazed by the huge clausterfuck I’ve just found myself in.

  I smile casually but my mouth is so dry, my lips almost needing to be pried apart. I clench and unclench my fists inside the pockets of my pants, hoping it will help relax the rest of my body. I fight every instinct screaming at me to grab Leah and run. To literally pick her up, place her into my car and drive us far away from this sidewalk, away from this moment, away from Natalia. But if I do that, she’ll know. She’ll know I did something that never in my life have I wished I could take back more than I have in this moment. She’ll see it written all over my face if she doesn’t already. And it will change everything.

  Flashes of that night in New York work their way into my head, no matter how much I try to keep them out. The confusion I had over what happened between us the night of my birthday. My conversation with Bryan. Being told Leah was going out on a date on fucking Valentine’s Day. The hurt, anger and jealousy I felt but didn’t fully understand then. The photo shoot. The memory of how I acted that night turns my stomach. Acid and bile burning a hole inside me right here where I stand. My head begins to spin, selfish need to get away from here, more importantly, the need to get Leah away from here taking over everything else. Protect her, me, us, from anything that could hurt what we have now. Because what we have now is more important to me than anything. More important than admitting the truth, than telling lies, than anyone who might take her away from me. I cannot—will not—let anything jeopardize that.

  Pull it together, Shane!

  I need to snap out of my semi-paralyzed state and move. Move far, far away from the awful detour this day might potentially take.

  “I’m in the city for a shoot,” Natalia continues on, smiling, completely oblivious to how she could destroy my world. The world that took years to make. “I was sad to hear you weren’t going to be the photographer.”

  She pouts playfully, her fingertips gripping my forearm. It feels like fire against my skin, burning me, causing me to rip my arm away from her grasp. It can’t have gone unnoticed by any of them, but my only thought is of Leah, and her seeing me touched by another woman.

  “It was nice seeing you again,” I manage to say, smiling as casually as I can. I turn and open the passenger side door of the car and hold out my hand to Leah, inwardly begging for her to take it so we can leave. I turn my head, glancing at Natalia for what I hope will be the last time and silently plead she just goes away.

  Confusion and hurt sweep across her face at my quick brush off. I know I should feel bad, my more than standoffish reaction incredibly rude. But I can’t think about her feelings right now, even if she doesn’t deserve this. There is only one woman, one person’s feelings, that matter to me right now and it’s not Natalia’s.

  I shift my attention back to Leah, her eyes trained on Natalia but her face expressionless. I can’t tell what she’s thinking, where her thoughts are taking her, and I hate it. All I know is I need to make sure they don’t take her somewhere awful or ugly. The truth.

  “Comb,” I say, wiggling the fingers of my outstretched hand. My voice rattles her a bit, blinking several times before she reaches out and intertwines her fingers with mine. I pull her towards me, wrapping my arm around her shoulders, keeping her close. Her body falls in line with mine but I feel the tension running through her. Her body is stiff, not molding into me as it usually does.

  Natalia’s eyes follow every move we make, watching us silently. Her eyes dip the slightest amount, to Leah’s stomach and it only takes her a second to understand. Her eyes widen for a fraction of a second before an awkward and slightly embarrassed smile works its way to her lips. She opens them a touch as if to say something but closes them again immediately. I have to remind myself over and over not to let my own discomfort show. Not to dig my fingers into Leah’s shoulders or bury her face into my chest, removing all of this from her sight.

  “Of course,” Natalia finally answer
s, straightening. “It was good to see you too.”

  She gives us all one more look before nodding her head in goodbye. She walks past us and, thankfully, has the decency to not look back. To not look at me, Leah, or Leah’s stomach.

  “Okay,” Holly says, looking directly at me. Her eyes are glaring, silently accusing me of wrongdoing. She’s already put two and two together. She knew the instant Natalia opened her mouth about Valentine’s Day. It’s one thing to beg for silence from Natalia, but Holly? She’s Leah’s best friend. How can I possibly get her to give me the benefit of the doubt and let me explain before she presses me about Natalia in front of Leah?

  “Holly, let’s get the rest of the stuff in the car,” I say, pleading to let her assumptions and questions go, at least for the moment. I turn to my attention to Leah. “Get in.” I motion to the car. “It will only take another minute.”

  She nods once and I help her get into the Jeep. So much of me wants to stay right by her side, in constant contact, not even letting mere inches separate us. But I need to talk to Holly. I wait for Leah to buckle her seatbelt and then kiss her softly on the lips. I let out a sigh of relief when she kisses me back. I press my forehead to hers. “Just a few more boxes,” I tell her.

  “Okay,” she says, quietly.

  I grab a few more boxes and gift bags from the sidewalk and load them in the car before turning back to grab a few more to put into Holly’s.

  I come around the back of Holly’s car to where her trunk is open, obstructing us from Leah’s view. Traffic drives by, drowning out the sound of her lowered voice, but I hear it very clearly.

  “What the fuck?” she snaps, her teeth gritted together.

  “It’s not what you think,” I tell her, equally riled. “You know how I feel about Leah. I would never do anything to hurt her,” I quip, trying to keep my voice equally low. I take a calming breath, thinking about how best to defend myself. If there even is a defense. “Believe me when I say I regret nothing more than that night,” I say bent over, my hands gripping the trunk of her car. I close my eyes for a second before twisting up to look at her. “It was before all this. Before Leah and I became…what we are now.”

  Holly rolls her eyes, but still lets me speak.

  “Please, Holly,” I beg. “You know me. You know us.” I spare a quick glance in Leah’s direction. “She’s everything to me,” I say with every ounce of truth that’s in me. “She’s everything.”

  I watch as Holly takes a deep breath, glancing over the trunk of her car to look at Leah herself. I see some resolve come over her face and I close my eyes in relief.

  “Be very careful, Shane,” Holly threatens lightly.

  “I promise,” I say with such intensity. “I won’t let anything or anyone hurt her.”

  We both stand and Holly slams the trunk shut. “That better include you.”

  Holly walks past me and calls out to Leah. “I’ll call you later.” She waves, a tight smile on her face.

  Holly gets in her car and pulls away, leaving me just a few lengths away from Leah. I see her golden hair blowing in the breeze, almost completely hidden from view behind all the bags and gifts mounted in the back seat.

  Before walking back to the Jeep, I inwardly beg to anyone listening for today to not completely turn to shit. I plead that everything I had planned for us tonight, the outcomes I hope for still to happen. Tonight was supposed to be about our future, not a fight to keep us from my past.

  Walking around to the driver’s seat, I work on convincing myself that if I can just get Leah home, if I can just tell her everything I planned on saying, everything will be all right. More than that—everything will be perfect.

  “Ready?” I ask, turning on the ignition.

  Leah remains motionless, barely acknowledging me.

  I press my lips together, reassuring myself once more everything will be fine and pull out onto the street. As I drive us home, I once more go over all the things I plan to tell her. None of that has changed. If anything, the importance of my words being spoken has only gotten stronger. The threat of something or someone destroying this chance has a way of putting things into perspective. No more waiting. No more interruptions. Leah Kessel is going to hear what I have to say. I just need to get her home so I can tell her.

  Home.

  That’s the first thing I want to discuss with her. We’re about to become a family of three and I want us to be one who lives together. Every time I walk by that giant box that holds the pieces of our baby’s crib, I think about it. Think about the three of us being together, sharing one space. When I’m in Leah’s tiny apartment and see the piles of baby clothes, diapers, and blankets leaning up against the wall in the corner, I hate myself for not bringing it up earlier. I don’t know why I waited this long to tell her. Why I’ve waited this long to tell her how I really feel about her. How far deep I am for her.

  So much yet so little has changed between us these last few months. She’s still my best friend, but she’s also become so much more. More than I could have ever wished for. More than I knew to wish for. This girl has changed everything, and I’m not going to let another day pass without her knowing it. We’ve waited six years. I’ve waited six years for this moment. I will not let the last five minutes derail it all.

  I glance in her direction and see her eyes roaming around the car. Everywhere from outside the windows to the gifts piled in the back seat. Her eyes don’t stop, busily looking over every inch of this car. But not once do they fall on me.

  “Lots of stuff back there,” I say, breaking the silence.

  She looks over, her eyes finally focusing on me. Our eyes meet and hold for a few seconds before I need to turn back to look at the road.

  “Yeah,” she says, facing forward. “No idea where I’m going to put it all.”

  I tap her on the leg a few times before leaving my hand on top of her thigh. “We’ll figure it out,” I say, with confidence. I have it all figured out. This will work out. I feel my heart pound, not with nerves, because I’ve never been surer of wanting anything more in my life.

  Once we arrive back at my place, I tell Leah to head on up while I text Bryan to come down and help unload the car. Even he’s surprised at the amount of stuff we brought back with us.

  “Holy fuck,” he says, examining the full Jeep. “A baby needs all this stuff?”

  “I doubt it,” I answer.

  We start unloading the car, piling the boxes along the curb, when Bryan stops and folds his arms across his chest. “So, today is the day.”

  I nod. “Today is the day.”

  “Confident?”

  I take a staggered deep breathe.

  “Dude, you’re about to tell this girl you want to be a family unit or some shit like that. You need to do better than that,” he tells me.

  I roll my shoulders, looking up at our loft windows on the third floor, imagining Leah in there, walking around, making herself at home like she always does. I want that with her. A place where both of us feel at home with each other, in a place that is our home.

  “Hey.” Bryan cocks his head my way. “You love her?”

  “Of course,” I say without thought.

  “No, I mean, do you love her? There’s a difference.”

  I raise a brow. “And you know the difference?” I say, skeptically.

  “Yeah. I do,” he counters, a serious expression coming over him. “People are either in fucking love or they’re in fucking misery,” he says with more honesty than I’m used to hearing from him. I’m a bit thrown by it. He isn’t one to talk feelings too often, so his remark surprises me. It also leads me to believe we aren’t just talking about me and Leah anymore. For all the nagging we give Bryan for his strange relationship with Kendall, it finally dawns on me there is a reason they keep going back to each other. A reason neither of them can let the other go.

  In fucking love or in fucking misery.

  I think about which category I fall into. Which category I probabl
y always fell into when it comes to Leah.

  “I’m in love,” I tell him. “Completely.”

  A grin tugs at his lips, followed by a look that tells me he already knew that. “Okay then. Let’s get all this shit upstairs so you can tell her that.”

  After helping me bring up all the boxes, Bryan leaves to give Leah and me some privacy. I walk to the bedroom, my confidence level rising with every step, in both my feelings for her and my plan. Today, I am going to once more change the pace of our relationship. Move it in the direction I know it’s always been meant to go in. I’m done waiting for the right time or the right sign. My feelings are the fucking sign.

  I feel like nothing can stop me, nothing except for the way I find her, sitting on my bed, waiting for me. Her back straight, head facing forward, hands held together in her lap. She looks up when I enter the room, expressionless. The slow blinking of her eyes her only movements.

  “Everything okay?” I ask, slowing my steps.

  Her eyes continue to meet mine for another few seconds before they dip low and away. “I’ve just been thinking,” she says.

  “Okay.” I nod, taking another tentative step. “I’ve been thinking too. A lot lately—”

  But my words seem to fall on deaf ears because she continues speaking as if I’ve said nothing.

  “I’ve been sitting here, thinking about the same thing over and over again. Do you ever do that?” she asks, looking back up at me once again. “When you can’t fucking rid yourself of a thought, no matter how much you try?”

  Her expression turns sharp, like glass. And just like glass, I see it’s incredibly fragile, ready to break into a thousand pieces if not handled properly. “Sometimes,” I say carefully.

  A quick, short laugh escapes her lips.

  “When I found out I was pregnant, I was so scared. I know you think I was strong and courageous and in control. But I wasn’t.” She shakes her head at the memory. “I was numb. It literally paralyzed me. I had no idea what to do, how to react, how to feel. A thousand emotions and fears ran through me all at once, but in a slow, painstaking way.”