Gerald’s eyes went wide. “All righty, then.” He took a moment to pet Cadbury, then threw another rock into the pond. “The thing is, the high priest knew the scriptures so well I couldn’t even argue with him. Everything fit the letter of the law, but it broke entirely the spirit of the law. Do you know what he said? He actually defended the two percent thing.”
Did he really?
“Yeah, he said that just by the act of giving to the poor, the giver generated so much goodwill and good kharma that the use of those funds paled in comparison. That it didn’t actually matter how the money was used, only that it was given.”
Cha’Rolette grabbed her knees and leaned back, surprisingly casual for her. Yes, Kharma. That little balancing act we all play with the universe so that we don’t get reborn as a slug or something like that.
“Trust me, there are worse things.”
Look, I know this must be hard for you. I mean, it’s not every day you find out that your religion is just a big lie.
“My faith is not a big lie.”
You’re right, that was a poor choice of words.
“No, the choice of words was fine, it is the sentiment I disagree with. My religion is a path between me and the enlightened ones. It doesn’t involve anyone else. It’s completely personal, and very intimate, and it is not altered by the way other people behave.”
What do you mean?
“I mean that it wouldn’t even matter if all the other followers of Soeck were hypocrites. It wouldn’t change anything. My faith has nothing to do with them. The only thing that matters is whether or not I personally live up to it.”
She looked at him deeply. You really do believe, don’t you?
“Of course I do. Why does that seem to surprise everyone?”
She tucked a ringlet behind her ear. Well, because for us, it’s just a numbers game. You make sure you do a certain minimum amount of good to avoid punishment. It’s like a tax, or a retirement fund if you like. Just something to pay and then forget about until the time comes.
Gerald shook his head. “No, I refuse to believe that goodness is just something to put on a scale and pay out. The universe just can’t work that way.”
Cha’Rolette sighed. I wish I could tell you it didn’t.
Suddenly something occurred to her. She looked around, her ta’atu waving about, as if to make sure they were alone.
Look, Gerald, there’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you.
He tilted his head. “What is it?”
She moved to speak, but then fidgeted for a moment. This is kind of difficult for me. It’s usually pretty easy for me to speak my mind...
She bit her lip bashfully and blushed. Gerald had to fight the urge to smile for fear that she might take it as mockery. There was something so delightfully charming about her when she was being a little bit timid.
I...
She caught herself and had to try again.
I...
Her lovely jade eyes strained, as if she wanted him to simply understand without words, then she backed off, looking sad, as if she were ashamed of herself.
...I wanted to offer you a job.
Gerald was so surprised he nearly laughed out loud.
I’m quite serious. The work you have done at the orphanage and at the new missions has been great P.R. for Ssykes. The whisper campaign in particular has been extremely effective. All our data drives show public opinion up ten points since you started. Why not come and work for us as our Regional Public Charity Relations Manger?
“You made that title up.”
Of course I did, but think about it, you said yourself a person without a link is unemployable. Well, here I am, offering you a job.
“You can’t expect me to work for the company that makes True Life,” Gerald insisted.
Why not? It’s basically the same job you do already. Instead of doing charity P.R. work for a greedy corporation masquerading as a religion, you’d be doing charity P.R. work for a greedy corporation that doesn’t pretend to be anything but a greedy corporation.
“I don’t do it for Soeckism. I do it for them—the people who need it. For those kids.”
Cha’Rolette smiled at him affectionately. Her adoring eyes made his heart skip a beat. I know you do. And believe it or not, that is a valuable skill. People today are cynical and jaded. They see right through a false smile. You, on the other hand, are sincere, and that is priceless when it comes to P.R. work.
Gerald struggled immensely with this line of reasoning. “I’ll admit you make a persuasive argument.”
I am a Ssykes, after all. If you work for us, you’ll be doing the same job you do now. You can even keep attending the Academy and volunteering at the missions. The only difference will be that you will have the resources behind you to help so many more people than before.
Gerald began to relent just a little. “It is important to help more people...”
As soon as she realized that he might accept, something occurred to her and she suddenly backed off. But... you know, you don’t have to. I mean, it’s okay if you say no.
“Actually, what you say makes perfect sense. I mean, charity is charity, regardless of the source, right?”
Yes, but this is a big decision. I mean, you probably want to take time to think about it.
He looked at her oddly. “You were pushing so hard, why are you trying to talk me out of it?”
She twisted her fingers nervously. No reason.
Gerald raised an eyebrow. “But despite all that, despite how much sense it makes, I don’t think I could live with myself. It just wouldn’t feel right. I’m sorry, but I cannot accept.”
Okay, she agreed quickly, obviously relieved.
He couldn’t figure out why she was acting so strangely.
There was a chime as her communicator went off.
Ugh. I’m sorry, I have to take this.
“I understand.”
She walked a few paces away, and he watched her change right before his eyes. Her back straightened, her eyes became harsh; she seemed to radiate power and authority again.
Vinny, please tell me this is not yet another complaint from your branch family.
“I’m sorry Duchess, but this couldn’t wait. The Cortels want to increase their take, and they’re threatening to go to the Karzini family to get it if they have to.”
Cha’Rolette glanced over her shoulder for a moment and then got even colder. That wasn’t funny Vinny.
“Funny?”
Yes, your little joke just now. You know we never joke about the five families on an open channel, it’s... disrespectful.
The color drained out of his face when he realized what he had done. “Oh my kren... um, I’m sorry, you’re right. That was just a joke, and it wasn’t funny.”
Let me set up a private line.
Cha’Rolette pulled a cable out of the communicator on her wrist and plugged it into the back of her neck.
As she stood there, Gerald watched her intently. He wondered if he had detected a twinge of guilt in her voice earlier. He wondered why that would have been, and what it would mean, but his brain offered no explanation.
Chapter Seventeen
The Exulaxians, as a matter of course, never speak ill of the weather, believing that Nacan, their temperamental storm goddess, would send hurricanes if she overheard them complaining. This was only reinforced when prominent human atheist Ricky Gervais attempted to set them straight by standing atop their capitol building in a special live streaming event, speaking blasphemies against their goddess in order to show that she didn’t exist, only to then be simultaneously struck by seventeen separate lightning bolts. Ever since then, true believers make a pilgrimage to Gervais’ grave on Earth every year on the anniversary to watch Nacan come down and strike his remains with another seventeen bolts.
- A Quick and Simple Guide to The Galaxy, page 672, Tongzen Press
For the rest of the afternoon, Gerald tried to get into the festivi
ties, but he found he just became more and more disgusted as time went one. When he found out that the traditional Ubonu dance had been replaced with a shrine maiden mud-wrestling competition, he decided he’d had enough. He took a few more snapshots until the camera broke, handed it off to a flustered Ms. Stubbs, who was buying up every good luck charm she could find, then made his way over to the hotel.
He didn’t like the way he was feeling. He didn’t like having to apologize for his religion. It made him feel like a phony. Despite what he said to Cha’Rolette, he felt silly for having so sanctimoniously preached to everyone about Soeckism in the past. While he had always claimed to be respectful of others’ beliefs, secretly he always felt that his was the best. Now, he still believed, but it didn’t feel like the best any more, and that realization made him feel old.
As Gerald stood in front of the door to his hotel room, he considered the possibility of just sleeping away the rest of the trip. It seemed like such a waste. He had dreamed about coming to Chanterelle ever since he was a neophyte, and now that he was here, all he wanted to do was hide underneath a nice soft pillow. He couldn’t recall ever feeling so tired before.
As he stared at the door lock, Tomar came down the hallway, laden with bags full of purchased baubles.
“Hey Dyson. You gonna change for the fireworks display?” he asked as he set down the heavy bags.
“I probably should, it’ll be an opportunity for all the monks to take the D’allai straight from the source. I’m just... not quite feeling up to it.”
“Uh-huh,” Tomar grunted, fishing through his wallet.
“I see you bought the fertility statue,” Gerald observed.
Tomar froze, then scooted the bulging bag behind himself. “It’s not for me... it’s for my uncle. He asked me to pick one up while I was here.”
“That was very kind of you.”
Tomar took out his I.D. card and ran it through the reader. His door chimed sweetly and slid open.
As Tomar gathered up all his bags, Gerald had a thought. “Hey, Tomar, do you think you could do me a favor?”
Tomar paused. He had two bags in his left hand, three in his right, one over each shoulder, one hooked over each large elephant-like ear, and the strap from another held in his mouth. “What?” he asked through clenched teeth.
“Do you think you could run my card through the reader for me?”
Tomar rolled his orange eyes. “Open your own door Dyson,” then he side-stepped into his room.
Gerald took out his card from his essentials kit and ran it through the reader. There was a spark and a whiff of smoke, and then the lights on it died out.
Gerald sighed, and began to sit down to sleep in the hallway, when the door to his room chimed and opened from within. It so surprised him so that for a moment he wasn’t sure what to do. Then, remembering the thought of a soft pillow, he ventured inside.
It was one of those themed rooms, meant to look like an archaeological excavation of ancient Stolleckian catacombs. Faux bones lined the earth-like walls, the skeletons looking like some sort of cross between a mammoth and a kangaroo. The bathtub was made to look like a pool on the floor of a limestone cave, filled from above by trickles of clear clean water dripping off of stalactites that hung from the cave-like ceiling.
Cadbury ran inside and began splashing around happily in the tub.
The bed was fluffy and soft, even though it was made to look like a tarp thrown on top of crates of supplies. Digging tools formed the headrest and bed stand. And lying on the bed was Trahzi, covered only with a silken bed sheet.
“Whoa!” Gerald said, turning around. “I’m so sorry, I thought this was my room.”
“It is.”
Gerald’s eyes darted around. “Ah... I see... that... might actually be worse. May I ask why you’re here?”
“We are here to engage in physical intimacy with you.”
“Yikes... definitely worse.”
She stood up, holding the bed sheet over her voluptuous body. “What is wrong? Our two species are physically compatible, and all the literature we have studied indicates that coupling increases feelings of love between partners. In your language, it is even called ‘creating love’.”
“Making love,” he corrected.
“...In short, this is the quickest way for us to learn more about love.”
Gerald felt his palms get sweaty. “My lessons weren’t going fast enough for you, eh?”
She stepped closer, her sultry black eyes hooded. “You know we do not like to wait.”
She stood behind him, just inches from his back, only a thin layer of material separating them. He could feel the warmth from her skin on the back of his neck.
He caught a glimpse of her reflection in the nightstand mirror. The bed sheet hung low behind her, revealing her toned shoulders and graceful back down to her impossibly slender waist. Her body was taught and athletic, yet it retained that irresistible feminine softness that just demanded to be touched.
Gerald grabbed his beaded necklace and prayed harder than he ever had before. “Boy you are just completely unabashed, standing there like that. Don’t you have any feminine modesty?”
“No, we don’t. Clothing provides no additional protection to us. We only wear our school uniform because we promised the director we would after our first day at the Academy. The reaction of the other students to our unclothed body was... unexpectedly acute.”
Gerald swallowed hard. “You probably gave them all a heart attack.”
“You say the strangest things.”
“Yeah, I do that a lot.”
She reached out and placed her hand on his back. Her natural scent was everywhere. Intoxicating, like a sweet flower. A much more elegant fragrance than he would have imagined. He felt like he was going to faint.
“We have reviewed all of the literature we could find about human love,” she said, running her fingers along his back. Even through his robes, the sensation was electric. He felt goose bumps from head to toe.
“We know what kind of female you humans prefer. You prefer females that are forward, aggressive in seducing the man she has chosen to be hers.”
Gerald stepped away from her touch. “Um, no, no, you’ve got it all wrong.”
She tilted her head. “We do?”
“Yes, I don’t know what kind of books you’ve been reading... well, I can probably guess but I don’t want to know, so don’t tell me. But whatever your source of information, you’ve got it all wrong. We humans like our women... ah, modest. Yes, very modest, demure, chaste. Someone who shows restraint and perfect self-control until after marriage.”
“Chaste? Are you sure?” She lowered her head and thought deeply for a moment. “This does not coincide with our research at all. We expected you to be flattered and grateful for this opportunity, or at the very least eager. This is most perplexing.”
“Oh yes, I am very sure. We like our women gentle... feminine... delicate.”
She frowned. “You mean weak.”
“No, not really. Femininity is very strong, just in a feminine way. It has less to do with strength of arms and more to do with strength of heart.”
“Says the man who can’t even pick up a rifle.”
“Hey, you asked what it meant, don’t ask me to defend it like I invented it or something.”
She looked away, almost ashamed. “We do not like weak things. They disgust us.”
“Yes, I realize that. Now, please don’t be offended. This is not your fault, it is simply a cultural difference between us. I do not want you to interpret this as a rejection of you personally.” Gerald was somewhat proud of himself for being able to rattle off something so P.C. in spite of how flustered he was.
Trahzi brought her hand up and rubbed her chin. “This is most troublesome. We shall have to adjust our strategy. We will return to our room and think more on this.”
“Yes, you do that,” he said, relieved.
“Plus, it is almost time to feed t
he puppy. She will be waking up soon.” As Trahzi began to walk off, the bed sheet began slipping away from her.
“Ah, j-just take it with you,” he shouted, grabbing the edges of the sheet just in time and wrapping them back around her. “We don’t want you walking the halls like that.”
“Ah yes, modesty, we almost forgot.” She gathered up the bed sheet and walked out. Try as he might, Gerald could not take his eyes away from her long supple red legs poking out from beneath the silken material. The realization of what nearly just happened hit him like a truck, and his knees gave out. He collapsed to the floor as he watched Trahzi walk out into the hallway. There was a clatter and something ceramic crashing to the floor outside. The sound startled Cadbury, who released a fresh poof of feathers.
Unable to rise, Gerald crawled out to see what it was and found Tomar standing there gawking, his jaw open, his face in complete shock. He gave off a high- pitched squeak as he watched Trahzi trail the bedsheet out from Gerald’s room and walk past him down the hallway. His fertility statue lay broken on the floor before him.
“Holy trogs,” Tomar whispered. “This thing really works.” He looked up, an idea fresh in his mind. “I’ve got to get another one of those!”
As Tomar ran off, Gerald rubbed his tired eyes and turned to look longingly at the soft bed. It seemed to call to him. He walked up to it and stretched out his arms, ready to belly flop into the best sleep of his life.
That is when the door chimed.
Gerald pinched the bridge of his nose and said a prayer to keep himself from screaming. “Will this day never end?” he grumbled.
The door slid open and Cha’Rolette stood there in a beautiful authentic Earth Kimono. Her family crest was woven into the golden patterns on her back, the floral pattern specially chosen to compliment her sparkling eyes. She tipped up one wooden sandal and balanced on her toe, her feminine curves shining through despite the kimono’s attempts to conceal them.
She wore a headband with a large pair of fake cat ears attached to it, a belt with a long fake feline tail, and a collar with an oversized bell on it.
Gerald didn’t know what to say.
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