“Thank you, Kyle.” Lauren blew out a breath, bracing herself for what she needed to say next. “I’m sorry I freaked out on you but I meant what I said. I can’t do this.”
The hurt crashed over his face, shuttering his brilliant green eyes. He stepped back, his mouth pressed into a firm line, white etched along the edges. He shrugged. “Okay then, Lauren. See you around.”
With that, he headed back down the stairs and out into the night. It was better this way, like ripping a bandage off quickly. The hurt would recede, eventually. Better now than like her parents, emotionally shredded and bitter after all these years. She walked into the apartment and hung her coat up on the rack. As she did, a wrinkled black umbrella toppled onto her foot.
Kyle.
He’d lent it to her the night he rescued her from the rain. She stood, staring at the crumpled umbrella, as images from their time together flitted through her brain—his slow, sweet smile, the wondrous expression on his face in bed, the gentle way he always took care of her. Hot droplets spattered on her chest and she belatedly realized she was crying. She picked up the umbrella and flung it across the apartment. Something ceramic shattered as she fell against the door and slid to the floor, sobbing.
Erin’s bedroom door popped open and she dashed out to the living room, in her ladybug pajamas and fluffy blue slippers. “Matthew, I’ll call you back.”
Erin dropped to her knees in front of Lauren. “So, what’d the umbrella do to you?”
“We had a fight.” Lauren sobbed. “I can’t do this. I can’t.”
Erin grabbed a box of tissues and sat next to Lauren on the floor. She wrapped an arm around Lauren, who rested against Erin’s shoulder. She sobbed until her cries became little hiccups and finally sat up, mopping her face with the tissues Erin handed her.
“So, what happened?” Erin asked.
“He said…” Lauren let out another sob and bit it back with a gasp. “He said he was my boyfriend. And that he wanted to go on a tropical vacation together and Lisbet wants us to do a couple’s show and…”
Erin bit her lip and nodded. “And that freaked you out but good, huh?”
Lauren nodded and then continued, “We had a fight and we sounded just like my parents.”
“Couples fight,” Erin said, mildly. “And you can yell at me if you want but you and Kyle are a couple.”
“I never wanted to be part of a couple. Ever.” Lauren shredded the tissues and then balled them up in her fist.
“So, how’d you become part of a couple, then?”
“He treated me like his dog.”
“What?” Erin scrunched her face up in confusion.
Lauren pulled her knees up to her chest, resting her chin on her knees. “When he met Casey—that’s the dog—he said he was a mangy street mutt, skittish and lonely. And that he had to coax him with food from his hand. He said that I was the same, skittish and lonely. I think he coaxed me into a relationship.”
“I see,” Erin said, laughter in her voice. “And you didn’t see through that?”
“I just…” Lauren twisted her fingers together. “I just really like him. Being with him and spending time together.”
“That’s what dating is, sweetie,” Erin said, shaking her head. “You want to know how I knew Matthew was the one?”
Lauren shrugged.
“I broke all my rules for him. The no-one night stands, mixing work and pleasure,” Erin smiled, her face softening. “He was the exception to every rule.”
“I don’t have any rules.”
“You do. They’re just different from mine,” Erin said. “Well actually, the opposite of mine. You usually don’t stay in touch with your hook-ups.”
“I don’t usually know their names.”
“You’re friends with Kyle. You smile when you talk about him. You know each other’s stories.” After a pause, Erin said, “You’re in love with him, aren’t you?”
“No.” Lauren shook her head vehemently and then squeezing her eyes shut, nodded, once. “I don’t want to be in love.”
“That’s not how it works.”
“It happened so fast.” Lauren dropped her forehead to her knees, sucking air in past the icy band around her chest.
“Took me and Matthew three days. I knew it was special when you spent Christmas with him.” Erin patted her back. “You just had a fight. The make-up sex will be great.”
“No.” Lauren stood, shaking her head. “I’m not making-up. I can’t do this.”
She headed across the room to her bedroom, resolutely not looking at the cold, empty bed.
“Lauren?” Erin called after her, “I think it’s too late for that.”
Chapter Fifteen
“How come you’re so mopey?” Maybelline greeted Lauren the next morning at the diner, plopping a ceramic mug of steaming coffee down on the table. Lauren retreated to the Blueberry Hill Diner to give Erin some privacy. She couldn’t bear to listen to Erin and Matthew’s happiness as she wallowed in her own misery over Kyle.
“Can I just have my waffles, Maybelline?”
“Nope.” Maybelline settled her comfortable girth into the booth across from her, her long, gold painted nails glittering as she tapped on the pink Formica tabletop. “Where’s your handsome photographer?”
Lauren took a sip of her coffee and glanced out the window toward the ocean. Today, in mid-winter, the whitecaps on the forest green waves slapped the shore, the color of the waves matching Kyle’s eyes. When her own eyes burned with tears, she looked up into the pewter sky, willing herself not to cry. Again.
She would not think of him. She would not. Hot tears splashed onto her cheeks, spattering the tabletop. Wordlessly, Maybelline handed her a stack of napkins and just let her cry. Lauren buried her face in her hands, stifling a sob. She’d never been like this about a guy, ever. Just Kyle. After a few minutes, Lauren blew her nose noisily and looked up at Maybelline.
“Had a fight, huh?”
Lauren balled the napkins and nodded, miserable. Everything ached, her chest felt hollow, and her eyes stung. “It was stupid.”
“Most fights are,” Maybelline agreed.
“I broke up with him.”
“Was it that bad?”
“The fight? No, it was just a stupid argument. But, that’s how it starts, right? And then just ends in bitterness.”
“I don’t follow.”
“I watched my parents bicker over stupid stuff all the time when I was growing up. They’re so bitter and hateful to each other now.” Lauren traced her finger over the diamond shape in the Formica table, not meeting Maybelline’s perceptive gaze. “I don’t want to hate the man I love that much.”
“Honey, isn’t that a contradiction in terms? And being mad at someone or fighting and arguing with them doesn’t mean you don’t love them. Ralph and I argue about something silly at least twice a week. But then he’ll smile at me or take me for a twirl around the floor and I fall in love with him all over again.”
“I’m not in love with Kyle.” Lauren crossed her arms over her chest and glared out at the sea the exact color of Kyle’s eyes. She huffed and turned her head to stare at the 45 record mobile, twirling above.
“Now you’re lying to yourself on top of it. I’ve seen you with him—”
“I don’t date. I never have. Not since college, anyway. I’ve never wanted to be anyone’s girlfriend again.”
“Except for Kyle.”
Lauren closed her aching eyes. “He tricked me. We were dating before I even realized it and I never would have agreed to that. It just leads to heartache and misery.”
“Kinda like now? Lauren, I’ve known you and Erin for a long time and I don’t know which one of you two is the most willful. There is no way any man could get you to do anything you didn’t want to do.” Maybelline paused but when Lauren didn’t speak, she pressed on. “You’re just scared.”
“Hardly,” Lauren snapped. “Can I have my waffles now?”
Maybell
ine sighed and hefted herself out of the booth, just as the bell above the door tinkled. Wide-eyed, Maybelline glanced at the door and then back at her. Lauren didn’t even need to turn around to know who it was. Maybelline hustled away and Lauren slid out of the booth, grabbed her jacket, and turned to face Kyle.
He looked as awful as she felt, unshaven and scruffy, with his dark hair sticking up in all directions. They stared at each other for a heartbeat. Why did Lauren want to walk over to him and snuggle him close, feel his strong arms wrap around her, making her feel safe? She shrugged into her jacket and stomped toward the door.
She stopped next to Kyle and he met her gaze before drawing in a deep breath. Before he could speak, she shook her head, tugging his arm to get him to follow her out of the diner. The last thing she needed was Maybelline listening, or worse, chiming in. They stepped outside, into the bright mid-morning sunshine and turned to face each other. The harsh sunlight accentuated the dark circles under his brilliant eyes and the pallor under his usual healthy tan.
“Take me back to your place.” Lauren demanded, surprising herself. They first connected on a primal level. Maybe if she was able to walk their relationship back to basics, they could regain their footing and keep things in her comfort zone.
“So you just want to go to bed together, huh?” Kyle said, as his mouth twisted. A muscle jumped in his jaw as his eyes narrowed.
“That’s right, handsome.” Lauren purred, walking her fingers up his chest and biting her lip. He caught her hand against his chest, stilling her. His thumb circled the back of her hand, making her heartbeat pick up. “I hear make-up sex is great.”
“Here’s the thing, Lauren.” Kyle’s gaze locked onto her face. “I could take you to bed again. God knows, we’re amazing together. You’re the best and most intense sex I’ve ever had.”
“Great. Let’s go.” Lauren tugged on their clasped hands. Kyle dropped her hand, holding up his hands, palms out.
“I like you too much for that.”
“You like me too much to sleep with me?”
“I like you as a person.” The cold, brisk wind off the sea flowed over her, chilling her. “I don’t want to pretend it’s less than that. I don’t want to pretend I don’t feel anything for you.”
“I like you, too, Kyle,” Lauren said. “Why can’t we keep having fun together?”
“I’m in love with you, Lauren.” Lauren shook her head and stepped back but Kyle pressed on, “And what’s worse, I know you care more about me than you want to admit.”
“I’m not in love with you, Kyle.” Lauren lied.
“I think you’re more than halfway there, otherwise, why were you crying all night?” He cupped her cheek, rubbing his thumb over her cheekbone. She leaned toward him, a flower toward the sun. When had Kyle become the center of her world?
“Why can’t we just keep having fun?”
Kyle stared at her for a heartbeat. His gaze dropped toward her mouth and he wavered, leaning toward her, his mouth just inches from hers. Then he crossed his arms over his chest, that stubborn tilt to his jaw that Lauren already simultaneously hated and adored. “Because it’s not enough for me to just have fun with you. I want more than that.”
“Okay then, if I can’t talk you into it, I’ll find another playmate.” Kyle’s frowned and then sighed heavily, defeated. “I guess I’ll see you around, Kyle.”
“No.” Kyle shook his head. “Goodbye, Lauren.”
With that he turned and walked into the diner, leaving her outside with nothing but the bitter wind, the slap of the waves, and the cries of the gulls for company.
Chapter Sixteen
Lauren spent the next three days in abject misery, curled up in her bed, sleeping in in the soft navy t-shirt that Kyle lent her, imagining she could still smell him on the fabric. When she couldn’t sleep, she’d drag herself upstairs to her studio, resolutely keeping her back to the bed where she and Kyle spent Christmas Eve, and she worked on her most important project yet. Sometimes, when she thought Erin couldn’t hear her, she’d let the tears fall, careful not to let them spatter the pages she slaved over.
Life would go on without Kyle, eventually. Everything would return to normal. She wouldn’t always miss his smile, his voice, and his touch. Sometimes Lauren could even make herself believe it. And then reality would crash down on her again. She didn’t realize one could physically ache from heartbreak. She kept seeing his hurt expression when she flippantly told him she’d find another playmate. She didn’t want anyone but Kyle.
A week after their breakup, Lauren was supposed to be getting ready for a wedding that evening. However, she procrastinated, filled with a mixture of dread and anticipation. Kyle and Joe were the photographers tonight. After carefully avoiding him all week, she’d come face to face with Kyle. Could she keep her resolve when she saw those brilliant green eyes?
She laid on her bed, staring at the ceiling fan, trying to find the strength to move. Her hair and makeup half-done, Erin carried a large, flat wrapped package into Lauren’s bedroom. “This just arrived for you.”
“Thanks,” Lauren said, without interest.
“Are you planning to get dressed or are you going in the pajamas you’ve been wearing for a week?”
“I’ll get dressed,” Lauren said, without moving. “Eventually.”
“You want to open your package?” Lauren shrugged and Erin sighed heavily. She sliced through the tape at the top of the box while Lauren tried to find the strength to turn her head. Erin struggled for a moment but finally tugged out a stretched canvas and turned it to face Lauren. Lauren sat up, staring at the blown-up picture of the staircase that Kyle took in Istanbul, as her eyes filled with tears. Mystified, Erin looked from the artwork to her and then crawled on the bed next to her.
“Lauren, what is it?”
“Kyle’s picture.” Lauren choked out, weeping against Erin’s shoulder. “I keep expecting the ache from missing him to fade. It just gets worse. I miss him so much.”
“Why don’t you call him?” Erin wrapped her arms around her, patting her back.
Lauren shook her head, “He made it very clear what he wanted.”
“You?”
“We’re at an impasse. He wants a relationship and I…” Lauren threw up her hands. “I’ve never wanted that.”
“Don’t you want what you had with Kyle back?”
Lauren bit her lip, looking at the intricate staircase, fading into shadows near the top. She liked the suggestion of infinite possibilities and potential. But what else might lurk in the darkness at the top?
On one hand, she and Kyle might be able to forge a life together. He made her happy, comfortable and secure, from the moment they met. But then again, she knew better than most what it was like to live with the fallout from a toxic, destructive love. What was worse? Living without Kyle or taking the risk to love him back? She dropped her head to her knees, a dull headache pounding behind her eyes. She still didn’t know, even as she ached with missing him.
Erin sighed and crawled off the bed. “Lauren, when I was in Savannah, Matthew and I had a big fight. I thought I’d lost him for good and it was the worst I’ve ever felt in my life. You have the opportunity to set this right with Kyle. Don’t you think you better do it before it’s too late?”
With that, Erin departed to finish getting ready. Lauren secured the canvas to the wall and laid back on her bed, reflecting on her time with Kyle. She should never have agreed to become friends with him. She could have still walked away after the bachelorette party. But, once they became friends, she’d gotten to know Kyle as a person, liking him for who he was and not just his gorgeous, sexy body. And then they spent Christmas together, learning more about each other. She’d been so eager to see him when he came home from Kabul. They just fit together, like puzzle pieces slotting into place.
And then a simple argument triggered her panic attack, afraid of becoming like her parents, bitter and estranged and trapped in a loveless marriage. So
she’d run. And discovered that being without Kyle was far more awful than a silly argument.
How had she fallen in love with him so quickly, so easily? And now that she’d finally admitted it to herself, what could she do to get him back? She lay there, thinking for a bit, and finally decided that she had to at least try.
Later that evening, she strolled down the aisle at the wedding. Kyle stood at the far end, wearing his form-fitting tux, shooting the bridal party’s entrance and carefully not meeting her eyes. She gave him a brilliant smile, but he ignored her, a muscle jumping in his jaw. Her stomach sank.
What if her plan didn’t work?
She took her place next to Erin who gave her the tiniest nod. Right now, she had a job to do, to make the bride and groom’s day as special as possible. She would concentrate on Kyle later. All night long, she was aware of just where he was in the room, like he was true north on her own personal compass.
Lauren waited until the wedding was almost over, the candles burning low in their holders, and the dance floor nearly deserted. She made a quick request to the musicians and then headed over to see Kyle, kneeling on the floor fussing with the camera equipment in a black bag. He looked up at her, his brilliant green eyes wary.
“Can I show you something?” Lauren handed Kyle a sketchbook. He stood and flipped it open to find a series of sketches and rough text telling the story of him and Casey.
“You illustrated a book?” Kyle’s said, surprise flared over his face as he flipped through the pages.
“It’s just a rough draft, but it’s your story. You and Casey,” Lauren said. “It’s for you.”
“Thank you.” Kyle shut the book and held it close to his chest. They stared at each other for a few heartbeats. Up close, he looked tired, dark bags under his eyes and white lines around his pinched mouth. This close, she caught the spicy of his cologne and wanted nothing more than to wrap herself in his arms and never let go. She drew in a deep breath.
“Do you have time for a dance?” Lauren extended her hand to him. Kyle shook his head, glancing away before Joe grabbed Kyle’s camera and the sketchbook out of his hands and practically shoved them onto the floor.
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