by Sue Watson
‘She said I mustn’t let you leave before she grabbed you,’ Molly was saying as she mixed herself another Sex on Bondi.
‘Grabbed?’ I asked, my mind suddenly filled with visions of Arnold Schwarzenegger crossed with Glenn Close. What the hell did this woman want from me?
‘Yes. Dahling, I’m not being rude, but do you have to keep repeating everything, it’s quite off-putting?’
I ignored her comment. ‘I think it might be Dan’s girlfriend,’ I started, ‘I’m worried she might think I’m trying to take Dan off her.’
‘Are you?’
‘Yes… no… I don’t know. I don’t know what she wants.’
‘Oh shit! I should have frisked her.’ She stood up quickly, a little shaky on her feet from her latest Sex on Bondi, and came strutting towards me in an over-exaggerated stage walk. She stood over me, bent down into my face and said, ‘Be careful, my dahling. She said she’ll call back this evening, she could be packing heat.’
‘Oh God, I bloody hope not!’ I said, looking at my watch: it was 6 p.m. Dan would be busy at work now. I doubted he had any idea that his baby mama was rampaging the streets looking for me. I was feeling a little creeped out, and Molly wasn’t exactly helping. ‘We were together… before. He met Clover’s mum after me…’ I tried to explain.
She raised her eyebrows, then swept across the room holding her head. ‘Faye, my innocent little angel,’ she was waving her arms about now, ‘this could turn into a crime of passion.’
‘No, it couldn’t… Could it?’
‘Oh, my love, the cyclic nature of love and violence. Think of Othello: “Yet she must die, else she’ll betray more men. Put out the light, and then put out the light…”’ She was now wringing her hands rather alarmingly.
‘Thank you, Dame Judi, but no one will be putting anyone’s lights out tonight,’ I snapped, pulling myself together.
She was about to embark on an overlong, overdramatised story, with actions and dialogue, when the doorbell rang, making us both jump.
‘Is that the wronged woman?’ she hissed, stepping behind the curtain. In her drunkenness, she almost fell and I’d have laughed if I hadn’t felt like this might be the last few seconds of my life.
‘Could you answer it, Molly?’ I asked.
‘You answer it.’
‘No, it’s your house.’
‘It’s your love triangle,’ she said, trying to stand without wobbling, pursing blood-red lips and attempting to place her hand on her hip.
‘Oh for God’s sake, it isn’t a triangle,’ I hissed. ‘Dan and I are together, it’s all fine, she’s… cool.’
One look at Molly cowering behind the curtains and it was clear she only wanted fake drama and was keen to avoid the real thing, so there was nothing else for it but to deal with this myself.
I stomped into the hall and saw the shadowy figure of the person who’d changed my life standing at the door.
‘Saffron?’ I asked as I opened the door to her.
‘Faye.’
I nodded unnecessarily and resisted the urge to slam the door in her face just in case Molly was right. I’d been travelling all day, I’d had ‘Sex on Bondi’ three times and was feeling the worse for wear and I wasn’t in any state for some confrontation over Dan.
‘Would you like to come in?’ I asked, and unsmiling, she stepped into the hall.
‘Are you going to frisk her?’ Molly hissed in a stage whisper. She was now at my side, clutching me like both our lives were in great danger.
‘No, Molly, that won’t be necessary,’ I said. ‘I’ll take my… friend through to the kitchen, if that’s okay?’
Molly gave Saffron a wary look as we walked to the kitchen, where I immediately shut the door before she joined us.
‘Tea?’ I asked, and Saffron shook her head.
I pulled out a chair, she did the same, and for a long time we both faced each other in silence across the kitchen table. I wondered if this might be the prelude to a weird arm wrestle. Instead of keeping this to myself, my nerves got the better of me and I shared this observation with her: ‘Is it me, or does this feel like we’re about to have some sort of arm wrestle?’ I said, trying to lift the mood and take away the obvious tension in the room, but my sudden movement made her flinch and she frowned at me like I was attempting to scare her. We weren’t off to a great start.
You might think I would have learned by now that the more I talk, the worse it gets, but I hadn’t – and having given her the wrong impression (that I was ready to brawl), I was more nervous. So I just kept on talking.
‘When I say that, I don’t mean I want a fight. God no, that’s not how I roll… Oh, I don’t roll around or anything… in a fight, I’m just. Saying…’ I added, as she continued to look at me like I was unhinged. By now I think I was – I’d been wound up into a tightly coiled spring by Mad Molly.
We sat opposite each other across the pine table in the cottagey kitchen with the big old dresser, which I suddenly realised she could probably bring down on me in one swift move. I put my palms face down on the table, which seemed to make her flinch slightly – I didn’t know who was more scared of whom.
27
A Crime of Passion and a Bottle of Gin
‘So you came here to see me?’ I asked, unnecessarily. ‘I hope I haven’t upset you… being here. I wanted to see Australia, Sydney particularly, so I thought I’d try and see a bit of Dan too… Not a bit of him, I mean all of him. Fully dressed… Like a friend, yes, just friends, nothing more…’ Oh God, I was starting over again.
She looked up and nodded slowly, her beautiful eyes gave nothing away.
‘Dan said you’re cool with us… I wouldn’t want to hurt you by just sweeping in and…’ I started again, observing her perfect nails, long tanned arms, glowing skin. She really was an attractive woman, about Dan’s age, perhaps a little younger, which made her at least ten years younger than me.
‘Oh hey, I am cool. I know how it is. You two go back a long way…’ she spoke for the first time.
‘I don’t know what Dan’s told you.’
‘Everything,’ she said, and with that she fixed her gaze right on me and I felt myself blush.
‘I need a drink,’ I said, knowing a glass of something from Molly’s medicine cabinet was the only way I was going to get myself and my nerves through this. I rummaged around in the cupboard and found a bottle of gin and some very old tonic – I doubted Molly ever diluted her alcohol, even her cocktails seemed to be a mix of spirits and liqueurs. I found two glasses and poured us both a large gin. ‘Tonic?’ I asked, and as she nodded, I poured. ‘I just hope it’s not going to kill us, I think it’s been in that cupboard since 1963,’ I smiled, putting her glass in front of her.
She sniffed the glass. ‘Arsenic?’ she said, and I laughed nervously and tried to reassure her I wasn’t going to murder her, though I wasn’t sure the same could be said for Molly’s ancient gin.
‘You’re safe,’ I said and added rather creepily, ‘I’m not about to commit a crime of passion,’ which kind of gave the impression that I might, so I tried to smile, but she just looked worried.
She took a glug of gin, then placed both palms flat on the table, like she was about to make an announcement. I couldn’t think what she possibly had to say to me – then I thought, if she’s pregnant, I don’t want to know. But if she tells me she is with child, Dan’s, and it’s happened all over again before I got here, then I’m going to finish this bottle of gin all by myself in two minutes flat.
‘Do you know Dan carries photos of you in his wallet?’ she said suddently.
I was surprised, a little pleased too. ‘Really?’
‘Yeah, he showed me on the first night we met.’
Presenting a woman with photos of your ex wasn’t the greatest chat-up line I’d ever heard.
‘He never lied to me,’ she continued. ‘He told me from the start that he was in love with someone else.’
‘Oh, that must hav
e been… difficult?’ I said, thinking how strange this conversation was, and where exactly was it going?
‘No, not really, I was still in love with my ex. Dan was a one-night stand… Okay, a two-or three-night stand. He’s a great guy…’
‘Yes, he is,’ I nodded, waiting for Saffron’s declaration of love.
‘But I was never in love with him.’
Hallelujah, was all I could think. I wanted to leap on the table and sing ‘Who Runs the World?’ in my Beyoncé voice, but this would probably alarm given the circumstances, so I made do with a large slug of gin, which burned my throat and made me think it might not be gin after all. Oh, the irony of hearing this wonderful news while inadvertently poisoning myself!
‘It should have happened once, I should have got dressed, left his flat and never gone back. But then we bumped into each other again. We were both drunk, he was upset and I’d just found out my ex was with another woman and it happened again. I saw him as a friend,’ she added, gesturing to herself, resting her hand on her chest, covered in gold chains twinkling on bronzed skin. ‘Look, this isn’t about me and Dan, or you and Dan.’
‘Oh?’
‘No, it’s about Clover.’
‘Of course,’ I said, my heart lurching, waiting for her to say, ‘Back off, bitch’. ‘I understand. I have a daughter – and a granddaughter – myself. I’m a mother too, Saffron, and I understand that whatever us adults do, we have to consider Clover.’
‘Clover was never going to be part of a cosy mummy-daddy life. My mum was a single mum and I know how hard it is, but I never wanted to stay with Dan, even though I sometimes wondered if I should.’ She lifted her hand up as if to stress this. ‘You were always there. You lay between us in bed, you stood beside him when we’d kiss, shared our bloody snacks in the cinema,’ she laughed.
The idea of me metaphorically lurking in the background of their relationship wasn’t comfortable to hear. ‘Do you think you could have made a go of it if I hadn’t met him first?’ I asked.
‘No, Dan and I don’t work. We’re friends who happened to get pregnant and we have to make the best of it. I was just trying to explain to you how much you mean to him… He says you’re not sure what to do?’
‘No, I just don’t know. Dan keeps talking about me moving in with him, but I don’t want you to feel like you’re being pushed out… or…’
‘God no, it’s not like that! Thing is, I don’t know what to do myself. I’ve been offered this artist-in-residence post for a year.’
‘Oh, that’s good, isn’t it?’
‘Yeah, but it’s full-time. It might involve some travel around Australia and I don’t know what to do about Clover. My ex – Kevin – says I should stay here and we should get married, and I should just get a job and Clover will be fine and…’
This story felt all too familiar to me. Here was a young woman whose choices were now limited because of her child, just as mine had been. She seemed to sense my understanding, like she knew my history, and was asking me what I thought she should do. I suddenly felt the weight of responsibility on me, but at the same time she was reaching out to me and I wanted to help her, guide her through this mess.
‘Yes, I’m sure Clover would be fine if you got married and took any job. But would you be fine?’ I asked. ‘As soon as we become mums we lose ourselves a little, and that’s not how it should be. Our kids come first, but we have to have a bite of the cherry too, our lives aren’t over the day we give birth – in fact, they’re just beginning. I said goodbye to Dan because I had to be with my daughter, Emma, but it wasn’t a totally selfless act, it was for my own sake too. I had a dream to follow, a degree to finish and a family to support – and I was determined not to lose sight of that. I got my degree, I’m independent and my family is fine, but I had to put myself into the equation and ask what I wanted too.’
She was looking at me with such intent. ‘Faye, you’re so right, the minute you become a mum everything you want seems selfish… And if we ask for what we want, because we’re mothers, it can feel so wrong.’
‘But it isn’t. It’s about compromise, yes – but it doesn’t have to be about losing yourself in all this.’
She looked at me thoughtfully, then said, ‘I really, really want to paint. I’m thirty and I’ve messed around too long, this is my chance to really build a portfolio, make a career, you know?’
‘That’s exactly what I mean, we put ourselves and our needs last. Of course our kids have to come first – but be kind to yourself too, Saffron.’
I was surprised at how this had all turned out. I’d envisaged Saffron as this selfish, irresponsible woman, who wanted to ditch her child at every opportunity, but in truth she was just like me, trying to balance her own life against her baby’s.
‘I really want this…’ She looked like a million thoughts were whirling through her head, hope and excitement now dancing in her eyes.
‘So go for it, don’t hang around taking work you don’t want. You’ll start with a job in a coffee shop and tell yourself it’s “just for now”, and twenty years will go by and you’ll wonder where yesterday went,’ I said, thinking of my own life before I met Dan and broke free.
‘But what about Clover? I’m so torn, Faye… Kevin’s offering me stability, and I don’t know if I want to be a single mum – like my mum was.’
‘I understand what you’re going through. I was eighteen and pregnant but I chose to marry the father because there was so much pressure at the time. I cared about him, we had our moments, but I made the wrong choice. Marriage is hard enough when you really love someone, but marrying for your child and hoping the love bit will catch up just doesn’t work,’ I said.
She nodded. ‘I think I love Kevin, but…’
‘If you say “think” before love, then add “but” straight after you probably don’t,’ I said gently. I was probably overstepping the mark; I hardly knew this woman and yet we walked the same road. ‘Trust me,’ I added, ‘when you love someone, thinking doesn’t come into it. You know, and there are no buts.’
I looked at her and thought of Emma. What would I advise Emma to do?
‘If you were my daughter, I’d tell you to take the residency, put yourself in the driving seat and be with Clover as much as you can. I know Dan will help with Clover and you’ve agreed to share her so you two will just have to work things out. You can have a rota and you make sure you do your thing and he does his, but Clover must always come first.’
‘You make it sound easy, but even this week I couldn’t have Clover. Dan had begged me to come back and look after her, said it was make or break for you two, that you needed some time to yourselves. But being an artist isn’t nine to five and I got caught up in my work and… I’m sorry you had to take Clover with you.’
‘Don’t apologise for Clover. She was a joy… even when she filled her nappy and projectile vomited and kept us up all night with colic.’ We both laughed at this. ‘You know, Saffron, if I’m honest, I’m kind of missing her tonight.’
‘That’s what I hoped you’d say,’ she smiled.
‘Why?’
‘Because Dan’s going to be with Clover for at least half her life – and whatever I decide to do, I want the woman who’s with him to be as lovely as you.’
‘That’s a kind thing to say, but I haven’t even made up my mind if I’m staying, or even if he wants me.’
‘Oh, he wants you.’
‘I sometimes wonder why?’
‘Who knows what brings two people together? Do you remember at school those couples where you’d think, how did he get her? And how did she get him, she’s punching way above her weight? But it’s something between two people, and it can’t be put into a box and labelled. I’ll be honest, I wondered for a while what the hell a middle-aged hairdresser from England had that I didn’t. Was she good in bed? Was it a mother thing?’
I bristled at this. ‘I doubt it was “the mother thing”,’ I said. ‘And God knows, I’m not Ci
ndy Crawford, but as you say, sometimes people get together and they just work. Hey, is it such a bloody mystery that someone like Dan loved someone like me?’ I asked, feigning a laugh.
‘No, I can kind of see it now.’ She was weighing me up and down and I was waiting for some thinly veiled insult.
‘Oh?’
‘Yeah, you’ve got something. I don’t know what it is, but you do… and it rocks his world.’
‘Thanks… I think.’
She smiled. ‘But I’ll never understand why you two split in the first place if you both feel the same?’
‘My daughter, I had to be there for her and I wouldn’t have been happy anywhere else.’
‘You must have felt like shit when you got here and found out he had a kid?’ she said bluntly.
‘Yes, that’s exactly how I felt, but the more I think about it, the more I realise that it was a good thing. If Dan and I stayed together, he’d never have Clover in his life, and she’s the best thing that’s ever happened to him.’
She sighed. ‘Ironic, isn’t it? I felt that clock ticking and threw away my pills when I was with Kevin. I knew there was a chance I’d get pregnant and I think subconsciously, that’s what I wanted. Still, when I saw that line on the test, no one was more surprised than me – except Dan.’ She smiled at the memory. ‘He was lovely about it, happy at the prospect of being a dad – but we were both doubtful about us being together.’
I poured us both another gin, and we sat and let the silence swallow us up. This hadn’t been the cat fight I’d thought it was going to be. This woman was opening up in a way I’d never expected and I felt like she needed me.
She put her face in her hands, slowly moving her fingers along her cheeks, revealing her eyes again. She looked tired, like she’d been wrestling with all this for a long time. And as her face emerged from her hands and I looked at her properly for the first time, I realised I’d seen her before.