by Sue Watson
‘You were supposed to be in Perth, but you were on the beach. I bumped into you and later, in the coffee shop – it was you in the toilets, wasn’t it? I saw you leave,’ I said, slightly taken aback by this realisation.
She leaned forward, one hand touching my arm. ‘Yes… I just hoped you didn’t know who I was.’
‘I didn’t – but I do now, I just realised and… and it’s a bit creepy,’ I admitted.
‘I wasn’t sure if you’d seen a photo of me and might know who I was.’
‘No, I didn’t want to see a photo of you.’
‘Well, I didn’t have any choice. I was faced with a montage of photos of you!’ She gave me a look of mock outrage, but she was smiling.
‘Sorry!’ I pulled an awkward face, and we both laughed.
‘You know, my biggest fear in all this has been what will happen to Clover… Not just me taking the job, but moving out and Dan meeting someone else. I know the kind of guy he is and he’d never give Clover up, he wants to be in her life. When he told me you were coming to Sydney, I panicked…’
‘Why?’
She sighed. ‘As I said, my mum was a single parent, but my dad stayed in touch, sent birthday cards, sometimes called by unannounced, which caused all kinds of rows and shouting – usually around Christmas, which was nice. Then he married this bitch and wanted to play happy families all of a sudden, so I had to stay with them every other weekend. She was vile, really resented me, like she was jealous, and when they went on to have their own kids she was even worse. She judged me, always criticising, always finding mean ways to leave me out,’ she said, her voice still holding onto the residue of childhood hurt and anger. ‘My stepmother was just jealous and didn’t want any reminders of Dad’s previous relationships hanging around her house.’ She took a sip of gin and came alive again as she remembered something she’d kept hidden: ‘Do you know, she once arranged for a family photo shoot and didn’t invite me – for years I had to look at this bloody big photo on their wall of her and Dad and their two kids. It said “family” in big letters above and I wanted to punch the glass.’
She stopped talking for a moment and seemed to gather herself together, her eyes were filled with tears.
‘Thing is, Faye, I don’t want Clover to ever feel like that – like she doesn’t belong.’
I reached out and took her hand. ‘Oh love, Dan wouldn’t let that happen – and if I have anything to do with it, she’ll never, ever feel excluded from anything.’
‘I know it looks a bit weird, but it was important to me – it’s why I wanted to watch you, see how you were with her. You could have put it on for show if you’d known I was there, like my stepmother did for my mum and dad. But you didn’t, you were so natural with her, and even in the toilets, when no one was there, not even Dan, you were talking to her like I do, telling her she was loved and beautiful… Faye, I was crying in that cubicle.’
‘Oh God! I only realised someone was in there afterwards, and I worried they might think I was crazy, telling a two-month-old she could do anything.’
‘My mum used to say that to me. “Saffy, you can do anything, be anything…” She struggled all her life, she wanted the best for me – we all do for our kids, don’t we? Mum died a few years back and I miss her every day, but hearing you say those things to Clover just got me.’ She put her had into a fist and banged her chest, her gold bracelets tinkled like a wind chime and I saw the tears again, so close to the surface. ‘When I saw you with her on the beach, you held her with such tenderness, such care, and you looked at her like you were her mother…’
‘I know I never will be, Saffron. I’d never try to… I don’t want you to feel that I’d try and take over or…’
She wafted her hand away. ‘No, no… I know. But I want you to love her like I do. What kind of mother would I be denying her a double dose of mother’s love?’ she smiled.
‘That’s lovely of you to say,’ I said, thinking that perhaps a life with Dan might not be as difficult or complicated as I’d thought. It was simple really, we all cared for Clover and there were no ill feelings, no resentment or jealousy, all Saffron wanted was to be able to paint and love her kid.
‘I don’t know what’s going to happen with you guys, I know you’ve both got some stuff to deal with, Faye,’ she sighed. ‘But I do know that Dan will always be in her life… I just hope and pray you’ll always be in Dan’s.’
Both of us were crying now and she reached out her hand to me across the table and we held on, both unsure of what would happen next, but with a clearer understanding of each other. And what it means to be a mother. Eventually, we composed ourselves and Saffron told me she’d also been offered the chance to exhibit her art in Europe.
‘I don’t know when it might be, but it might mean going away for longer than a week,’ she said, wiping her eyes, laughing and crying at the same time. ‘Honestly, Faye, it freaks me out… I couldn’t leave Clover with anyone but you… and Dan, of course.’
I didn’t say anything, it wasn’t for me to make childcare arrangements at this stage, so I just smiled.
‘Dan’s told me you’re a good mother. He said you’re really close to your daughter, that you laugh a lot together.’
‘Yes, we do, and I love being with my granddaughter and I miss them like hell, and being with Clover this past week has eased that slightly. She’s taught me that I’m one of life’s nurturers, and I need to be needed, if that makes sense?’
I now knew the woman sitting across from me wasn’t my enemy, or someone to envy, she was just a little girl without her mother. Saff – yes, I think I could call her that now – was a first-time parent who couldn’t turn to the woman she needed the most right now. This could have been Emma if I wasn’t around, and whereas Emma didn’t need me as much anymore, perhaps this woman did?
‘I hope I can be a good mum, I hope me and Clover will laugh a lot.’
‘I’m sure you will. You have to pick your battles, and I think it’s the same as with anyone you love. You also have to let them go.’
‘That’s the hardest part, right?’
‘Oh yes, which is why you need something of your own, something independent from your kids. Don’t make the same mistake I did, Saffron. Follow your dream, take the artist-in-residence job, and you’ll not only be a good mum, you’ll be an example to Clover too. No point telling her she can be anything if her mum isn’t even trying,’ I said.
‘You’re right, you’re so right. I’m going to do it, Faye, I’m going to go home now, give Clover a big hug, then email my acceptance.’
‘You go, girl!’ I said as she stood up.
She looked at me for a moment and then reached out and hugged me. We stood there for a while and as she pulled away, I could see she was crying.
‘Your daughter’s a lucky girl to have you for a mum,’ she said, picking up her bag and pulling it onto her shoulder.
‘Oh, I’m no saint, Saffron! I’ve made plenty of mistakes, as you will. We’re not perfect, we’re human, but we just have to do what we feel is right and if it’s wrong, then we don’t do it again. It’s that simple… and that hard.’
She rolled her eyes. ‘Yeah. Hey, I hope you stick around in Sydney – I think you and I could have some fun, go for cocktails, put the world to rights.’
‘I’d like that. I don’t know yet what I’m going to do. Here’s me telling you to chase your dream and mine’s all over the place! But whatever I do, it’s going to be all about me this time,’ I said as we left the kitchen, two empty glasses on the table, two lives shared over gin and Formica.
I walked Saffron down the hall and as we reached the front door she turned. ‘Faye, just one thing?’ she looked at me. We were both emotional and one kind word away from tears.
‘Yes?’ I said. I held my breath for what she was about to say.
‘If you decide to stay, don’t let Dan microwave her food, will you? And don’t let him feed her wasabi oysters or parsley fucking foam or wh
atever he’s got on the menu that week? And organic… She’ll only eat organic pureed veg, you wouldn’t believe the shit that’s in jars of baby food.’
I nodded, relieved, almost laughing – we were definitely on the same wavelength. ‘If I’m there, she won’t be touching that shit… or oysters, or parsley fucking foam!’
Saffron laughed and as I opened the door, she turned to go but not without handing me a parting gift. ‘By the way, I moved out of the apartment while you were at the coast – he’s there on his own now. I’m staying with my friend, she’s looking after Clover while I came to see you. Go to him, tonight, you guys need some time alone… And Faye?’
‘Yes?’
‘If you stay, he’ll be one lucky guy. You bloody rock!’
28
A Fairy-Tale Ending or a Fast Ticket Home?
When Saffron left, I felt like my world had been turned upside down, in a good way. I was touched by her parting words and, closing the door, leaned my head against it for a few moments to take everything in and enjoy the calm and the hope now blossoming inside my chest. I’d thought that if I ever met her I’d resent the woman who gave Dan the one thing I couldn’t. But people surprise you. She was strong and beautiful and all she wanted was the same as me, to be a good mum to her kid and one day find real love. I’d already found that and I’d wasted time worrying about everyone else and not thinking about myself and my own feelings. At forty-six I’d only just worked out how the narrative of my own life could be – and there was only one person who could provide the happy ending.
I’d come to Sydney hoping to be with Dan, perhaps even live here with him forever and ever, but this had been no fairy tale. Dan’s life in Sydney was a very different picture than the one I’d expected, and it had thrown me. I’d assumed time had stood still and he’d still be the free-spirited surfer boy who cooked. But this wasn’t going to be a future of romantic sunsets in far-flung places, it was nappies and baby sick, not to mention hard work and long shifts building a business. Having said that, I knew from experience, life is about compromise and nothing worth anything comes easy. Meeting Clover, and becoming close again to Dan the father, I’d discovered something about myself: I was a good mother, I knew how to care for people, share my experience and my wisdom.
I wandered back into the kitchen and rinsed the glasses, wondering if Emma had finished the proposal she was writing, thinking about Rosie’s first day at school and if she’d be okay. How I’d have loved to be there for them, but turning off the light and heading into the hall, I heard Emma’s voice in my head: ‘There you go again, Mum, putting everyone else’s needs and wishes before your own.’ If those I loved were happy and content, then that meant I could be too. Emma was a big girl now, with her own life, her own family and as much as I missed her and Rosie, I’d loved them enough to let them go. They could visit, I could go and see them, and we talked regularly on Skype, so what the hell was I doing wasting any more time? I stood there, on the crossroads of my life, not knowing if I would walk upstairs to bed, or walk through the front door to Dan.
I had travelled to the other side of the world to find what I was looking for, and that had taken guts. I could have sat in front of the TV with a digestive, a cup of tea and Downton Abbey and never left the town I was born in. But instead I’d unlocked my life, opened the windows and breathed in the air and discovered I had so much more to give and so much life to live. I was still that middle-aged hairdresser from the Midlands, and there was nothing wrong with that, it’s who I was, along with so many other things: a mum, a graduate, a reader, a lover, and a wannabe scuba diver who spent a day on a yacht with a dashing millionaire. I’d seen Paris and Spain and Italy and Greece and now I was in Sydney, and who knew what adventures awaited me? I just had to open up my heart and say yes.
I slowly walked down the hall. This was my chance to say yes, to seek that happy ending, so I opened the door and ran outside into the night. The stars twinkled above, the road lay in front of me, and Dan’s apartment was only two blocks away.
I ran and ran until I reached his place, and tearing up the steps, I banged on the door, calling his name. I waited ages, and just as I was about to turn around and head back, the door opened.
‘Faye?’ He was looking gorgeous, slightly dishevelled, a little subdued.
I gathered all my courage, took a deep breath and said, ‘Dan… I love you, and whatever happens, I know I always will. Thing is, I can’t live without you… and after last time when you asked me and I said no… and oh Dan, I’m going on again. Will you marry me?’
His face lit up. ‘Oh Faye…’
‘What?’ I said, pretending to be impatient, but knowing by the look on his face what his answer would be.
‘Yes, yes, yes…’ He almost shouted this and then lifted me in his arms, carried me into his home and closed the door with his foot as the credits rolled on my happy ending. Just like in the films.
Epilogue
It’s a Saturday during a mild Australian spring when we take our vows under the big, purple jacaranda tree in the park. The air is alive with bees and birds and friends and family, a swirling, scented day of love and happiness and sunshine.
Dan and I are pretty perfect as the bride and groom, though I say so myself, but the real stars of our wedding day are two little petal throwers: Rosie, now five, and Clover, eighteen months, both in ballerina pink, both sporting unicorn headbands (naturally!) and both wobbly on their feet. Holding hands, they walk ahead of me, scattering rose petals along the ground, Rosie instructing Clover loudly on where to stand and how to walk. Dan is waiting at the other end to catch them (and me!) if we should fall, as Rosie explains loudly to Clover that ‘when Nana marries Dam, we’ll be sisters’, which causes a ripple of laughter that dances on the breeze. I laugh too, while hoping my granddaughter doesn’t go on to inform the wedding guests of more personal family details – like the enormity of ‘Nana’s big pants’. I think she’s probably saved that revelation for the reception.
Emma looks proudly on, Richard’s arm around her, tears in her eyes, her mother and daughter walking through the grass barefoot, dressed in pastels. As I pass, she nudges Saffron, who hands her a tissue. Both women smile at me through their happy tears. I’ve become so fond of Saffron, and despite being two different women from the other side of each other’s worlds, we’re just two mothers caught in the same storm. And here we are now standing together in the sunshine after the rain. Saffron is my friend. She makes me laugh, we share frustrations over life, men, children – and most importantly, she knows where to go to get the best cocktails in Sydney. She’s my honorary daughter, along with my other cocktail-guzzling honorary daughter Mandy, who has promised (threatened?) to join us both for a ‘girls’ night’ before she goes back to the UK.
Looking at her now, among all my other family and friends, she lifts her hand discreetly, and we give each other a special, almost secret wave. I’m glad Saffron didn’t settle for Kevin, that she’s gone from strength to strength following her career, and next month heads to France for the first time, and Dan and I can’t wait to look after Clover full-time for a few weeks. I give her a little smile, and just know we’ll be there for each other, through thick and thin. And when Saff meets her forever man, I’ll cry with happiness at her wedding too.
I see Dan’s nephews, his sister-in-law Kimmie, and some of his old friends who are here and their smiles as I walk past tell me that I belong. These are my new friends and family, in my new country. I’m so lucky to be here and the love is overwhelming.
Along with my petal throwers, I also have a very special bridesmaid in Mandy. Not the obvious choice, you might think, but she turned up in Sydney with a koala tattoo and a pink lace bridesmaid’s dress, so how could I refuse? She even turned up a week early to do my ‘makeover’, which involved the signature orange skin, surprised eyes and taut smooth forehead from so much Botox I looked like I’d had a stroke. Fortunately it’s ‘thawed’ and with the help of Camilla�
�s herbal calming lotion, I am able to smile again on my wedding day. Camilla is here too, holding onto Sue, whose latest boyfriend hasn’t joined her in Sydney as he’s apparently been struck down with ‘psoriasis’ of the liver. She showed me the beautiful ring he’s given her, which she insists is ‘a purple anarchist stone’. Sue’s hopeful of her own proposal soon and I’m looking forward to a visit home and a wedding in Devon in the not too distant future.
Marriage isn’t for everyone, but this time feels so much different to my first because I’m with the man I love, and I want this more than anything in the world. Marriage has been good for Emma too, she is positively glowing, and I have a feeling it won’t be long before we have another little flower to add to our collection (she refused a glass of Prosecco when she arrived – that’s not our Emma!).
Not so long ago, I thought I’d seen the last of any more babies, but now with maybe another grandchild on the way and our own little bundle of joy, Clover, I feel like there’s so much to be happy about. I’m glad for Dan that he is finally able to know what being a parent is – the unconditional, all-encompassing love we have for our children is something that just imprints on your heart forever. And I know we don’t have them long and when all of the kids have grown up and flown the nest, I’ll still have Dan by my side and plenty more adventures to look forward to.
Meanwhile, my Australian adventure is only just beginning. I’ve started teaching at a nearby uni, and I love it, sharing the knowledge, the passion, the ideas of literature and learning from the students too. I also spend as much time as I can with Clover, and between us, Dan, Saffron and I share the childcare. I learned through Rosie and Clover that I was good at this, that being with my girls made me happy, and that’s what life’s all about. We shouldn’t have to choose between career and family, but so often we are forced to. But I’m one of the lucky ones, and for now I’m having my cake and eating it, in the Sydney sunshine, with the love of my life and I reckon that’s a pretty good place to be. I’ve found a man who gave me the courage to chase my dreams, build a new life from nothing, and become the me I’ve always known is there.