The Heart That Breaks

by Inglath Cooper

  I feel Thomas look at me, but I refuse to look at him. I know what he’s thinking. That’s when I move closer to the door, and CeCe comes awake with a start.

  “Oh,” she says, groggy, “I’m sorry. I didn’t realize I dozed off.”

  “It’s okay,” I say, wondering if I could be more of an ass.

  CeCe sits upright as a poker the rest of the way into the city. Hank Junior goes on snoring, and she rubs his ears, first one, then the other.

  Thomas drives straight to the Bluebird. We’ve been coming down every few weeks for the past year or so, working odd jobs back home, saving money, gathering proof each time we come that we need to give this a real shot. This time, we’re staying.

  The strip mall that includes the Bluebird Café among its tenants isn’t much to look at from the outside.

  The lot is full so we squeeze into a grassy area not too far from the main entrance. The place is small, the sign out front nothing that will knock your socks off.

  “It’s not exactly what I imagined.” CeCe studies the front door. “I thought it would be bigger.”

  “We thought the same thing first time here,” Thomas agrees.

  The truth is we’d felt downright disappointed. Both of us had heard about the place for years, how many dreams had come to fruition behind those doors. The physical appearance had been something of a letdown. It’s not until you’re inside and witness what goes on there that you get the fact that the appearance doesn’t much matter.

  “Hank Junior can wait here,” Thomas says. “That okay?”

  “Yeah,” CeCe says. “Let me take him potty first.”

  Hank Junior follows her out of the truck as if that’s exactly what he had on his to do list. They head for a grassy spot several yards away where Hank Junior makes use of a light pole.

  Thomas reaches for CeCe’s guitar case. “Maybe you oughta tune her up.”

  “Yeah,” I say, taking the case and setting it at my feet. I feel weird about it even though I know CeCe wants me to use it. I pull out the guitar, pleasantly surprised by the heft of it. It’s a Martin, like mine, and this too, catches me off guard. I guess I should have known if it belonged to Dobie Crawford, it was gonna be more than decent.

  I sit on the curb, strum a few chords, and find there’s not much to improve on. CeCe knows how to tune a guitar.

  She’s back then, Hank Junior panting like he’s thirsty. “Either of you have a bottle of water you could share with Hank?”

  I stand up, reach under the truck seat and pull out one I’d opened earlier.

  “Thanks,” she says, without looking me in the eye. She takes the cap off, squats in front of the dog and cups her hand, letting him drink from it. She refills her palm until he loses interest, and then she helps him up in the truck.

  Thomas hits the remote. “Let’s get on in there.”

  “Ah, would it be all right if I borrow some money for the cover charge? I. . .my wallet was in the car.”

  “You have no money?” I ask before I think to soften or censor the question.

  She shakes her head, glancing down at her sandals. She looks up then, pride flashing in her eyes. “I’ll pay you back.”

  “No need to be worrying about that,” Thomas intervenes. “We’ll spot you what you need. You don’t have to pay here anyway. You’re with the band.”

  I attempt to level Thomas with a look, but our friendship is way past the point of him giving in to me on anything he doesn’t want to. “You’re using her guitar, aren’t you?” he tosses at me in case I need an explanation.

  I start to argue that I wouldn’t need her guitar if she hadn’t left the truck door open. That seems pointless right now, so I march on ahead of them without bothering to reply.

  There’s a crowd, college kids, couples, older folks, pretty much the gamut. I step around the line, murmuring, “Excuse me, sorry.” I duck through the door, trying not to bump anyone with the guitar case, Thomas and CeCe behind me.

  A dark-haired girl is working the front door. She’s wearing a short blue dress, scooped low, and cowboy boots that make her legs seem a mile long. She directs a high beam smile at me. “You in the round?”

  “We are,” I say, waving a hand at Thomas and CeCe.

  “What about her?” She looks at CeCe and forces a smile the way girls do when they sense competition.

  “She’s with us,” Thomas says.

  “Are you playing?” the girl asks, meeting CeCe’s gaze with a note of authority.

  “I, no–” CeCe begins.

  “Then you’ll need to pay the cover charge,” she says.

  Thomas starts to pull out his wallet when she adds, “And go to the back of the line. All these other people were here before you.”

  CeCe’s eyes go wide, and suddenly bright like she’s going to bust out crying at any second. I guess it has been that kind of day for her.

  I lean in on the stand, close to the girl’s face and say, “Can you cut her a break just for tonight? I’m using her guitar because mine got stolen by two guys on a motorcycle.”

  “Hey!” Someone yells from the end of the line. “We standin’ here all night or getting inside to hear some music?”

  “All right, all right,” the girl says, not taking her eyes off mine while she writes something on a card and hands it to me. “I’m Ashley. Call me later. I’d like to hear the rest of your story.”

  I slip it in my shirt pocket and start making my way through the tables to the center of the floor where other writers and singers are already set up.

  “So that’s why you bring him along,” I hear CeCe say to Thomas.

  “Gotta admit he comes in handy,” Thomas shoots back with a laugh.

  Thomas and I take the two chairs remaining in the circle. We’ve met everyone else in the round on other trips to Nashville. Darryl Taylor to my left who I just heard is on the cusp of a record deal. He writes his own stuff, and he’s good. Really good. Shauna Owens sits next to Thomas. She’s been a semi-finalist on Idol, and I hear the only thing keeping her from the big leagues is her stage fright. Sometimes she keeps it under wraps, and sometimes she doesn’t.

  Across from us is a fifteen-year old who’s been coming to town with her mom for the past two years, learning the ropes, writing at first with anyone she could find. Last time we were in town, writers were starting to seek her out, which means someone up the ladder is taking notice of her.

  Within ten minutes, the place is totally packed. People are turned away at the door. I look around and spot CeCe leaning against a corner wall by the bar. She looks a little lost standing there by herself, and I feel a pang of compassion for her. I instantly blink it away, reminding myself that Thomas and I both will do well if we manage to navigate the waters of this town without either one of us drowning. We threw her a life raft today. That oughta be enough. I’m not about to take on swimming her to shore.

  Mike Hanson is top dog in the round tonight. He’s got a publishing deal with one of the major houses in town and just recently got his first cut with a cool new band. Thomas and I met him when we started coming to town and playing at the Listening Room. He’d already been at it for a couple of years then, and starting to get some interest. I knew the first time I heard him that he had the talent to make it, but the way things work here, affirmation doesn’t come until you get a publishing deal. The next rung up is a cut.

  Mike blows on the microphone, taps it once and makes it squawk. “Howdy, everybody. Welcome to the Bluebird Café. I’d like to thank y’all for coming out. I’m Mike Hanson. We got some fine music for you tonight.”

  The crowd claps with enough enthusiasm that it’s clear they believe him. I’m hoping we live up to it.

  Mike introduces each of us, calls me and Thomas a duo, singer-writer team, and I start to get a rush of nerves the way I always do just before we perform.

  “Y’all don’t forget your waiters and waitresses tonight,” Mike reminds the crowd. People clap and whistle. Mike strums a few chord
s. “I hope y’all will be hearing this on the radio real soon.” He sets right in to the song then, and the applause grows louder. It’s clear word has gotten out about his recent success.

  This is one thing I’ve come to love about Nashville. People here take pleasure in the accomplishment of others. Sure, everyone wants to make it, or they wouldn’t have come in the first place. It’s more than that though, a camaraderie of a sort I haven’t known anywhere else.

  It’s almost like running some kind of marathon together, and instead of begrudging the fact that they’ve crossed the finish line before you, you’re somewhere behind them, throwing a fist in the air and cheering them on.

  At least, the people who have been at it a while do. Don’t get me wrong. The competition is fierce. Thomas and I were no different from any other newbie to the scene. We drove into town almost a year ago, thinking we’d be on the radio in no time. We’d gotten enough validation from our fans back home on the University of Georgia scene that we’d started to accept their loyalty as all we needed to verify what would happen once Nashville discovered us.

  What we hadn’t counted on was all the other talent riding into town on the same wave of determination and hope. And how damn good they would be.

  Mike’s song is enough to make me green with envy if I let myself buy into that. The lyrics are raw with truth, but polished like a diamond that’s been buffed with a soft cloth. The music has an element of something different enough to make it sound fresh, make it stand out.

  I don’t think I’m far enough along to know exactly what it is that sets it apart from what the rest of us will play tonight. I just know there is something, and more than anything in the world, I want my stuff to be that good. A year of coming here has shown me that it’s not, yet, and in some weird and kind of awful way, I guess you could call that growth.

  When Mike repeats the last tag of his song, the crowd throws out a storm of applause. He’s shy, and makes a pretense of brushing something off the front of his guitar, then leans into the microphone again. “Thank y’all. Thank you so much.”

  When the applause falls back, the fifteen-year old sitting next to Mike starts her song, and while the lyrics don’t have the power of Mike’s, her voice is soft and sweet, the tone unique enough that it’s easy to see she’s got something special. People lean forward in their chairs, caught up on the wings of it, the emotion she lets spill through each word, captivating in and of itself.

  Two more writers are up before Thomas and me. They’re both good, better than good, and I’m feeling the pressure of comparison. Thomas takes the microphone and glances at me the way he does when he’s ready. I tip into the intro, hitting the strings so lightly, that a hush falls over the room, and I can feel them start to listen.

  I wrote this song for Thomas. His little sister died of cancer when he was twelve, and I remember how I felt when he told me about it, what it was like to go to the hospital to see her, watch her be strong for him, even though she was younger than he was, even as the pain became unbearable. I tried to write the lyric as if I’d been standing in that room, as if I had been Thomas, a big brother who’s got to know what it will be like where she’s going, that he will see her again one day.

  I wrote it from a father’s point of view, somehow knowing I needed to give Thomas that distance. That he would never get through the song singing it as the brother.

  It’s called Up There, and he sings it now like his own truth. I guess that’s why what the two of us have works.

  I can see the faces of the people directly in front of us, the glimmer of tears in their eyes. Maybe this is what I love most about writing, that moment when you realize you’ve hit a universal, something everyone can feel.

  I’m drawn to look up then and find CeCe’s gaze on me. I see on her face what I have felt on my own so many times. That yearning to express something that reaches people the way this song is doing. I glimpse enough of myself in her then that I wonder why I’ve been so hard on her, why I’d assumed she would want to stay in the shallow end of this pool. The look in her eyes tells me something completely different. She’s headed for the deep end, wants it with all her soul. And I don’t doubt for a second that she won’t give up until she’s there, swimming on her own.

  A long moment of silence follows Thomas’s last note. One person starts to clap. More follow until the room is alive with it. Thomas never finishes this song without tears in his eyes, and tonight is no exception.

  Mike is next again, and as good as his song is, I think I can honestly say, its effect on the audience doesn’t top ours.

  The round goes on for four more songs each. Thomas and I do a fast one, a slow one and then another fast one. When it’s our turn to do our last song, he looks over at me before glancing out to where CeCe is still standing against the wall. I don’t think she’s moved all night, and I remember the first time I came here, how I’d just sat listening, not moving once until the end of the show.

  “If y’all don’t mind, I’m gonna bring a new face in for this one. CeCe, come on up, girl.”

  She stands frozen, her expression a confused mixture of euphoria and disbelief, as if she can’t decide whether to run or sink onto the floor. Thomas isn’t about to let her do either one. I’m suddenly so mad at him, I can’t see straight. What the heck is he doing? She’s not ready for this!

  But the crowd has turned their attention to her, and someone starts to clap, urging her on. There’s a whistle, then another, more clapping until the force of it peels her off the wall and propels her to the circle of chairs.

  Her eyes are wide as dinner plates, and I’m starting to wonder if she’s ever actually been on stage before.

  Thomas pats one enormous thigh and indicates for her to sit, placing the microphone stand close in to them both.

  “This here’s CeCe MacKenzie. CeCe’s new in town, and she’s had a bit of a rough day. We’ll make this her Nashville welcome. Y’all might’ve heard of her uncle, Dobie Crawford with the Rounders.”

  The applause erupts into a roar then. I’m hoping for CeCe’s sake and for ours that she lives up to expectation.

  “Dobie wrote a song called ‘Wish It Were True’,” Thomas continues. “Let’s do that one for them,” he says to both me and CeCe.

  It’s been a while since we’ve done this one. Luckily, I know it like I wrote it myself.

  Thomas starts in on the first verse, and by the third line, I’m wondering if CeCe is going to join in. She closes her eyes and follows him into the chorus, her voice floating up in perfect harmony against Thomas’s.

  I’m shocked by the blend. The sound is like chocolate and peanut butter. French coffee and half and half.

  They’ve never sung together, and they sound like they’ve been doing so their whole lives. They each know the song the way you can only know one when its meaning reflects something of your own life.

  By the second verse, it’s clear that CeCe’s forgotten she’s sitting on the knee of a guy she just met today. Forgotten she’s singing to a crowd at the Bluebird. I don’t know where she is, but it’s a place that lets her sing from the heart, from the soul.

  I don’t hear training in her voice. It’s not perfected in that way. What I hear is a girl who’s been singing all her life. A girl who sings because it’s what she loves more than anything.

  They hit the second chorus full throttle, and they’re smiling at each other, all out joy lighting their faces. The crowd is with them, sitting up on the edge of their chairs. I can see their realization that they are witnessing something they’ll talk about one day. “I saw them when they were just starting out. The very first time they ever sang together.”

  And I have to admit, it’s like that. Some kind of magic that makes me wonder if everything that happened today had been the lead in to this. If we were supposed to meet her. Both for her sake and for ours.

  They trail off, note for note, and the applause that follows is the loudest of the night. CeCe has tears in her eyes w
hen she throws her arms around Thomas’s neck and hugs him so hard, he nearly sends the chair over backwards. People laugh and clap harder.

  I watch for a moment longer, and then unable to help myself, I clap, too.

  CeCe

  I feel like I’m in the middle of a dream. The good part where you’re aware of hoping you don’t wake up. That it will go on and on forever.

  I’m hugging Thomas as tight as I can because I don’t trust myself to thank him with words. If I do, I’ll break down and sob right here in front of all these people.

  He hugs me hard and stands, his arm still around my waist. I dangle in mid-air for a moment, then slide down his big thigh until my feet hit the floor. He forces me to face the crowd, and I’m blown away by the admiration and appreciation on their faces.

  I feel Holden’s gaze on me and make myself look at him. I guess I’m expecting him to be mad at me for horning in on their show, but that’s not what I see in his eyes. What’s there is the same admiration the audience has offered up, and maybe that surprises me most of all.

  Mike thanks everyone again for coming, and people start to stand up and push their seats back. Several weave their way up to the circle of chairs and begin talking with the performers. A couple of teenagers ask Mike for his autograph. Next, they laser in on Thomas and Holden, giggling and looking as if they might lose their nerve at any moment.

  One of the girls has red hair that hangs to her waist. Her eyes are a vivid green, and she looks at Thomas with starstruck longing. “Would you sign this for me?” she asks, handing him a Bluebird napkin.

  “Why, sure, I will.” Thomas raises an eyebrow at Holden who shakes his head.

  “You’re gonna be famous one day, Thomas,” the girl says. “I just know it.”