Chulito: A Novel

by Charles Rice-González

  Chulito nodded and watched Brick who had closed his eyes and seemed to be praying. “I feel connected with Carlos like that, too, but—” Tears interrupted his words and Chulito covered his face.

  Brick smiled, pulled a bandanna out from his pocket and offered it. “Damn, he got you like that?”

  Chulito felt good to be open. He wiped his tears with the bandanna. “Carlos wants to be open and doesn’t want to keep things underground in the ’hood, but how else we gonna be? I don’t have a choice, right?”

  Brick shifted in his seat to face Chulito. “I see it as you making a choice, bro. You chosin’ to keep it on the low.”

  Chulito sighed. “My pain won’t let up. I ain’t never felt anything like this.”

  Brick patted Chulito’s thigh. “If it’s a done deal and it’s over between you two, I can tell you that the pain will get better bit by bit, but it might never go away completely. But it sounds like you in between two places.”

  Chulito shrugged.

  “And am I right to say that you chose the neighborhood over being open with Carlos?”

  Chulito nodded.

  “You don’t seem to be too happy with the choice you making.”

  Chulito laughed. “Why did you come back?”

  “My baby girl mainly. But I came back to find out if there’s a solid reason for me to be here. I feel like I gotta make a choice, too.”

  Chulito stopped crying. “Is going back to P.R. one of your choices?”

  “Maybe.”

  When they arrived at Julio’s travel agency, Chulito was reluctant to go in, because Papo was on the corner talking to Orlando from Rivera’s Grocery Store. Chulito slipped into the travel agency while Brick paid for the cab. Julio and Brick hugged. Brick reached into his knapsack and gave Julio a picture of himself in El Yunque. Chulito sat on the couch and watched.

  “Papa, with that tan, Jennifer would be crazy not to take you back.” Julio snapped three times in the air.

  “She’s down to have a conversation, but I’m open to anything.”

  “Anything?” Julio teased.

  “Well, not anything. I told Chulito about Taino on the way over.”

  “Oh, did your mother depart alright?” Julio asked.

  “Yeah, I guess,” Chulito responded. He felt a little awkward sitting in the agency. Hethem" align liked being alone with Brick in the cab and wished he could talk more with him.

  “I brought this nigga over ‘cause…”

  “I know,” Julio said. “Carlos told me, but I wasn’t gonna say anything.”

  “He told you we broke up?” Chulito said.

  Julio nodded.

  He felt a little easier. Both men listened attentively. “Everything was going fine, but I guess it started getting crazy when Brick caught Carlos and me…” Chulito looked down. “Making out on the roof.”

  “Lord have mercy, lock the door,” Julio joked.

  Chulito chuckled.

  Brick poured himself a cup of coffee and sat on the desk. “So ‘cause of that you two broke up?”

  Chulito relaxed more into the couch with each response. “Well, not that. On the Fourth of July we started getting a little busy, if you know what I mean.”

  Julio fanned himself. “Spare me the details. I’m an old man, I don’t think my heart can take it.”

  Chulito said with a sly smile, “Well, we was just kissing and stuff.”

  Brick turned away. “Don’t hold back.”

  Julio playfully shoved Brick. “Let him speak.”

  “Let’s just say that we was in my room. The door was locked, but my mom came in from outside and called for us. I freaked the fuck out and pushed him. And he basically said he didn’t want to keep things underground and broke shit off.” Chulito swallowed to ease the lump that had formed in his throat.

  “I don’t know what to do with you two. You and Carlos and you and Taino. The ghetto is coming out.”

  “Hold up,” Brick said. “It wasn’t like that with me and Taino. We didn’t do the thang.”

  “You may as well have,” Julio said.

  Chulito looked at Brick and asked Julio, “Why do you say that?”

  Brick handed Chulito a cup of water. “It just didn’t feel right. I didn’t tell Chulito about how we slept holding each other the last night in El Yunque.”

  “You held each other?”

  “Yeah and it was cool, like he was a part of me. But that was it.” Then Brick went silent for a moment. “I can say this to you because you understand. Niggas out there would be calling me gay or homo.”

  “What’s wrong with that?” Julio asked. “They call you that anyway, just because you work with me.”

  “True. After I came down from El Yunque, I stayed at my uncle’s a few more days, and I didn’t speak with Taino until this morning when I called to say good-bye.” Brick looked away. “I miss him, yo. I will never forget Taino.”

  “Taino sounds dope,” Chulito said.

  “He was.” Brick stopped and sat on the desk next to Julio. “There’s nothing here for me really. Except for Crystal and you, Julio, of course. So I want to talk to Jennifer to see if we could make it work for Crystal’s sake.”

  “What if she says no?” Chulito said.

  “I wouldn’t blame her. I broke my promise to never hit her. But that day I felt like I was somebody else.”

  “But you were still you,” Julio said.

  “I know, so whatever rules Jennifer sets I’m gonna follow, because I want to be with my baby girl and I can’t take her away from her mother.” Brick went silent.

  Julio smiled and patted Brick’s shoulder. “Ay, muchachos, there are some sacrifices you have to make if you really want something. And if you’re not willing to make those sacrifices then you might not want that something or someone so badly.”

  Brick nodded his head. “I really want my daughter.” Brick hes.">

  itated before hugging Julio in front of the large glass windows of the travel agency. “Thank you, man. Thank you.”

  Chulito watched the two men hugging in Hunts Point in front of the big window with people passing constantly. It was safer to hug on this side of the window than outside of it, Chulito thought. He was glad that he rode the taxi with Brick and had had the talk with Julio. He felt like he’d entered into their private world and they into his. Now those worlds weren’t so concealed. And he understood the hug between these two men. The kind of hug that shows a person cares about the other. He’d shared hugs like that with Kamikaze. Maybe Kamikaze would understand, too.

  “Part of me wants to find out what it would be like to be with Carlos.” Chulito swallowed to soothe his throat. “I want to say fuck it and let everybody know. But if I do, then there’s no turning back.”

  “True. You gonna have to deal with a lot of shit. But Julio always says to me, ‘Why do you keep dealing with shit? Just flush it and deal with the good stuff in your life.’ ”

  “That’s right, flush it,” Julio said.

  “That hard to do,” Chulito said.

  “Of course it’s hard. I’m fifty-two and it’s still hard, but I keep flushing the shit and gravitate toward the people who are on my side, like Brick and my parents when they were alive, a few friends, too.”

  “I know about you and Carlos and I don’t give a shit,” Brick said. “If the fellas give a shit, then flush them. Hang out with the people who are cool with you two.”

  Chulito always thought no one would accept him and his love for Carlos. He always thought that the fellas would bug out, especially Papo. But then he never imagined that Brick would be cool and that Julio could be someone he could turn to. He imagined that some people might be good with the news and others might try to mess with him. Would it be a constant fight or would he have to stop hanging out on the block or move? Where would he go? “My mother is gonna freak.”

  “Mothers usually come around,” Julio said. “Most of them already know.”

  “I don’t think my mother
knows.”

  “Well, if she doesn’t or does, you have to figure out if you want her to hear it from you or from somebody else, because if you want to be with Carlos or any other guy, she will eventually know.” < />

  “I don’t know if I want to be with another guy. Right now, for me, it’s just Carlos.”

  “Whatever decision you make will have its consequences,” Julio said, “but there could also be benefits. If you let Carlos go, you lose him and gain what? Or if you are open to your feelings about Carlos, you get him but it might cost you in some other way.”

  “How do you know so much, Julio?” Chulito asked.

  “I told you, I’m fifty-two and I go to a good therapist on Eightyeighth Street. I’ll give you her card, papito. But for us, love is tough because at every turn somebody is gonna try to shut your love down. So until the world changes, we gotta fight for our love.”

  Brick let out a sigh, “That shit is deep, Julio.”

  “And you, too. You gotta fight for Jennifer, but you gotta fight even harder to be close to Taino because people want to tear that shit down.” Julio imitated a tough thug, “Yo, don’t you be sleeping in a cave with no nigga. That shit is ‘mo.’”

  Brick and Chulito laughed.

  “But seriously, Chulito, it’s up to you, papito.” Julio put up his fists and awkwardly moved around like a boxer. Brick boxed along with Julio and then offered his chin. “Get me right here, Julio. I give you a free shot.”

  Julio moved in and kissed Brick’s chin.

  “You a crazy bitch.” Brick collapsed on the couch next to Chulito. “I got your back, Chulito.” He offered him his hand to shake. “Even if those niggas out there turn on you.”

  “Thanks.” Chulito shook Brick’s hand. “But that’s what scares me.”

  “Don’t worry,” Brick said. “If people say any shit to me, I’ll tell them to mind their fucking business—”

  “No,” Julio said. “You gotta do more, Brick. You gotta tell them that you think it’s cool that they’re together.”

  “Well, if being together makes you two niggas happy, which is more than I can say for most of the sorry asses around here, then that’s cool.”“Wel>

  “Thanks, Brick. Carlos’ mother told me he went up to Connecticut to visit a friend this weekend.”

  “A gay nigga?”

  “Yes. I’ve been sick over that, too.”

  “He there now?” Brick asked.

  “Nah, he should be at work,” Chulito said.

  “You better call him up, before the next sucka moves in on your shit.”

  “Carlos is a catch,” Julio said. “If you want to be with him, I wouldn’t waste time.”

  Chulito panicked and flipped open his cell phone and pressed #1 on his speed dial. He wasn’t sure what he would say, but he wanted to let him know that he didn’t want to let him go. “Hey, Carlos.”

  “Chulito, I’m busy,” Carlos said coldly.

  “I’m talking to Julio and Brick and they said that I should call you ‘cause some other nigga might be moving in on my shit.”

  “You’re talking to Brick and Julio about us?” Carlos sounded surprised.

  “Yeah, so if someone is pressing you, they better back the fuck up. Can I meet you after work?”

  Carlos laughed. “Did you take a Tarzan pill or something?”

  Chulito smiled and high-fived Julio and Brick.

  As Chulito walked down the block he saw Papo on the corner.

  Papo raised one of his black eyebrows. “Making travel plans?”

  “Nah, just talking to Julio.”

  “That stupid faggot? For what?”

  ghtust

  Julio was neither, but for the first time, Chulito felt emboldened to speak his mind. “He ain’t stupid. He’s real smart.” As Chulito passed him his heart pounded and he felt scared and excited. He wanted to look back at Papo but continued forward instead.

  chapter twenty

  Before meeting Carlos, Chulito decided to go to the barber shop. He was ready for a change. They undid his braids and gave him a closely cropped haircut. As the clippers buzzed against his scalp, Chulito watched a young kid pound on the congas in the corner. “Leave that alone,” the kid’s mother warned, but the barbero said it was O.K. The barbero outlined his hairline with warm shaving cream and cleaned the tiny hairs with a straight edged razor. Then he finished off his hair cut with the sweet citrus smell of Clubman’s Aftershave and soft scented talcum powder that he brushed on with a small broom. Chulito ran his hand over the fuzz on his head and smiled.

  Chulito went home, took a shower and dressed in all white, a FuBu shirt over Pepe jeans and Adidas sneakers, topped off with a white, fitted Yankees baseball cap.

  When Carlos stepped out of the New York Daily News

  building he and saw Chulito holding a bouquet of red roses with one sunflower in the middle, he mockingly put one hand on his heart and the back of his other hand on his forehead as if he were going to faint. Chulito smiled and held out the flowers.

  “Cute.” Carlos accepted the flowers. “I know I am, but what you think about the flowers?” Chulito pulled off his cap.

  “Wow! You shaved your head?”

  “Just about, you like it?”

  Carlos nodded and checked out Chulito from head to sneakered foot. “Damn, it doesn’t matter what you do, you always look good.”

  “But do you like this better, because I can grow my braids back?”

  “I love it. It’s very butch.”

  “Feels good. Touch it.”

  Carlos rubbed Chulito’s head. “Damn, I didn’t think ghtus Chulito smiled. “I’m glad you like it. It feels light. I feel light.” “Is that why you dressed in all white?”

  “I’m hoping for a new beginning.”

  They headed toward the pier.

  Carlos smelled the roses as they walked. “I love all this, Chulito, but I’m still a little nervous about you. I don’t trust your change of heart. All day long questions swirled in my head. I don’t know how serious you are and honestly, I don’t want to get closer, if you’re gonna jump ship.”

  Chulito walked silently. True to form he imagined that Carlos was thinking with his head as well as his heart. And although Chulito was decidedly optimistic when he came downtown, he knew it was easier to do the big show there than in Hunts Point, and at that thought fear started to creep back into his heart. “I hear you, Carlos, but when you broke it off I felt like I was gonna die. I never felt pain like that. And I missed you. I missed our talks, our walks. I even missed seeing all the dudes on the pier.”

  Carlos leaned into Chulito. “I don’t doubt it. Look at you. From throwing a bottle to showing up with a bouquet of flowers.”

  “Damn, you never gonna let me live that down.”

  “No. Because I need to remember that even if you didn’t want to throw that bottle, you caved into the pressure.” Carlos stopped in front of a new apartment building as rush hour traffic crawled along the Westside and looked Chulito in the eye. “I need to protect myself, but I don’t want to have to protect myself from you.”

  It was as if Carlos had ripped open his chest. He felt exposed and ashamed. “No, baby, I promise.” Chulito wanted to say more but couldn’t find the words. He wanted to vow his love forever. He wanted to get on his knees and beg for forgiveness. He wished he could rewind to that moment and do something different. “I promise.” Then he closed his eyes and kissed Carlos. They breathed each other in and their tongues circled. Chulito felt overwhelmed by joy and fear.

  When they stopped kissing he kept his eyes closed, then opened them to see Carlos smiling at him. Chulito surprised himself, but it felt like the right thing to do to let Carlos know he was on board. Suddenly, he needed to sit so he moved to a large cement planter and leaned against it. Carlos sat too and put an arm around him.

  He watched the cars whiz by, then looked back at Carlos. “I love you so fucking much, Carlos. I think I’m all strong and tough, but I’m sc
ared as shit when it comes to this.”

  Carlos kissed his shoulder. “I know that block means a lot to you.”

  “I mean it’s all I got, right? And you from that block, too.”

  Carlos rested his head on Chulito’s shoulder and said, “I love Hunts Point and I hate it. Not everybody is fucked up. There are some great people, like Agustin at the bodega, Martha and our moms.”

  “We’ve known those people all our lives.”

  “And some of those people keep us apart. And even the people who are cool, are not going to be throwing us a party when they find out we’re together.”

  Chulito chuckled. “Well, maybe Julio and Brick.”

  Carlos lifted his head and smiled. “I still can’t get over that you talked to them. I have to let you know that when you said that, I decided to hear you out. What did you talk to them about?”

  “Well, when I told them about Sappy Manilow—”

  Carlos pushed Chulito’s shoulder and got up. “You didn’t.”

  Chulito nodded and dusted the seat of his pants. “Then Julio snapped his fingers high up in the air, he pointed at me and said, ‘Hooked.’”

  Carlos’ laugh shot out loud and bubbly. Chulito laughed along with him.

  Chulito stopped and placed a hand on Carlos’ shoulder. “Thanks for giving me another chance, Carlos.” He pulled him close as they waited on the corner to cross the street.

  Carlos held on to him and spoke into his ear. “I love holding you, but I don’t want to go around hiding it. I’m not ashamed of the way I feel for you.”

  Holding Carlos tighter, Chulito said, “That’s one of the main reasons why I like you so much. You take chances and you all bold, ed all ll,Don’t nobody mess with Carlos.’” He pulled back to look at Carlos’ face. “And when you asked me to be open, too, part of me wanted it, but more of me wanted to keep it on the low. But I really want to be with you and if being open is what I gotta do, then that’s what I gotta do.” Chulito moved in and wrapped his arms around Carlos, not caring for the first time what the joggers, people walking dogs, and women and men in business suits on their way home from work thought. It felt so good to hold him. He gently released Carlos and put an arm around him as they continued to walk. “On Friday, I saw your moms and I asked about you. When she told me you had gone to Andrew’s for the weekend, I almost went crazy right in front of her. I been in my room listening to Sappy Manilow all weekend.” Chulito pulled Carlos’ head to his. “I got some real feelings for you, Carlos.”