EG01 - When One Door Closes

by Joan Jonker

‘I’ll go and see the doctor and ask his advice. I can’t just barge in an’ tell her Bob’s dead. The way she is now, the shock will kill her.’

  ‘She’s got to be told, though!’

  ‘I know that, but I’m not going till I’ve had a word with the doctor.’ A loud sob left Eileen’s mouth before her shoulders started to shake and tears ran down her cheeks. ‘Poor Bob! A lovely young feller like that to be killed. It’s downright wicked! And poor Mary! First her mam, then findin’ out she’s pregnant, and now this! She’ll never be able to cope with it all.’

  ‘It always happens to good girls. The bad ones get away with it.’

  ‘I thought I had troubles but they’re nothing compared to Mary’s.’ Eileen sniffed. ‘I just hope she can take it.’ She turned to the door, a weary droop to her shoulders. ‘I’ll get to the surgery and see what Doctor Greenfield says. He’s very understanding. He’ll know what’s best to do.’

  Mary came back from the hospital feeling drained. For the first time she’d been glad to hear the bell that announced the end of visiting time. Trying to smile and make conversation when her heart was breaking was too much. Her mother had commented on how tired she looked, and Mary had put it down to working seven days a week. She was tired, too! Mentally and physically. So when the door knocker sounded ten minutes after she got home, Mary groaned. She didn’t feel up to talking to anyone. Unless it was Eileen. With Eileen she didn’t have to tell lies or pretend.

  ‘Doctor Greenfield! Eileen!’ Mary’s thoughts went at once to her mother. But she’d only just left her, so it couldn’t be that. ‘Come in.’

  Eileen sat on the couch while the doctor stood facing Mary. ‘I’m sorry, Mary, but we’ve got some bad news for you.’

  ‘But I’ve just left me mam, and she was all right!’

  ‘It’s not your mother, Mary.’ John was used to telling patients that someone they loved was dead, but Mary had had so much to contend with it seemed cruel to add to it. But putting it off wasn’t going to change things in the long run. ‘It’s Bob.’

  ‘Bob!’ Her eyes went from John to Eileen. ‘What’s happened to Bob?’

  John pointed to the couch. ‘Sit down, Mary.’

  ‘No! I want to know what’s happened!’

  ‘I wish there was a way to say it that would make it easier, but there isn’t. Bob is dead, Mary! He was killed in action.’

  Mary stared unblinking into his face, then she turned to Eileen. Her eyes pleaded with her friend to say that what she was hearing wasn’t true. ‘No! For God’s sake, Eileen, tell me it’s not true!’

  ‘I’m sorry, kid!’

  Mary’s eyes darted round the room like those of a trapped animal looking for a way of escape. Her face had lost every trace of colour and she seemed to have stopped breathing. ‘No! No!’ her cries filled the room then ceased suddenly as she fell to the floor in a dead faint.

  When Mary opened her eyes everything was hazy. The light in the ceiling was spinning round and she couldn’t focus. She felt her head being lifted, and a voice which sounded as though it was coming through a long tunnel, said, ‘Drink this, Mary.’ She spluttered as the liquid touched her throat and tried to turn her head away, but someone was holding it in a tight grip and forcing the liquid into her mouth.

  ‘Sit up, kid.’ Eileen eased Mary’s legs over the side of the couch then slipped her arm round her friend’s shoulders and raised her up. Their eyes met, and at the despair in Mary’s, Eileen had to turn her head away. ‘I’m sorry, kid.’

  Mary’s face crumpled and a cry left Eileen’s mouth as she took her in her arms. The tears flowed and sobs racked Mary’s body as Eileen stroked the long blonde hair, crooning words of sympathy as she felt her dress being soaked by the tears that seemed never ending. She looked up into the compassionate eyes of John Greenfield, her own eyes begging him to do something to help her friend.

  ‘Mary, will you drink this for me? It will make you feel better.’

  Mary looked up quickly. She’d forgotten he was there. ‘I don’t want anything, doctor.’ She was gasping for breath as fresh sobs shook her body. She turned away from the cup being held out to her, but Eileen forced her head round. ‘Drink it, kid.’

  Like a child, Mary did as she was told, then asked, ‘How d’you know?’

  ‘Mr West came to our ’ouse. He wanted to come and tell yer himself, but I wouldn’t let him.’ Eileen fought to keep back her own tears. ‘Yer see, I didn’t know whether to tell him about the baby or not. It wasn’t my place to do that, was it? So I went to see the doctor, an’ he said he’d come with me to tell yer about Bob.’

  Mary was looking at John. ‘I wish I was dead meself.’

  ‘Life has certainly dealt you a raw deal, Mary, but you’re only young and time has a way of healing.’ John opened his black case. ‘I’ll leave you some tablets to make you sleep, and I’ll come back in the morning and we can have a good talk.’ His eyes questioned Eileen. ‘It would be better if Mary wasn’t left alone tonight. Are there any relatives she could go to?’

  ‘We’ve no relatives.’ Mary’s voice was choked. ‘There’s only me mam’s sister in Wales, and we only hear from her at Christmas.’

  ‘I’ll stay here tonight.’ Eileen eased Mary back against the couch. ‘Will you stay here a few minutes, doctor, while I find someone to go and tell me mam?’

  Seconds later she was banging on the Sedgemoors’ door. ‘Is Harry in?’ Lizzie Sedgemoor’s eyes widened in surprise when she saw the distressed state of Eileen. ‘Yes, he’s upstairs … is anything wrong?’

  ‘Call him down, will yer, Lizzie? I’ll tell yer both together.’

  A smile lit Harry’s face when he saw Eileen but it quickly disappeared when he heard why she’d called. ‘I’m stayin’ the night with her, ’cos the state she’s in she’s likely to do anything! Would you run round and tell me mam for us, Harry? Ask her to see to the kids for us.’ A thought suddenly crossed Eileen’s mind. Oh, dear God, what if me mam mentions about Mary being pregnant? ‘Tell her not to tell a soul anything, will yer? The last thing Mary wants is people knockin’ on her door.’

  Harry was reaching for his coat on the hallstand. ‘You won’t be in work tomorrow, then?’

  ‘I’ll see how things are,’ Eileen told him. ‘If she’s not fit to be left, then I won’t leave her.’

  Harry was already on his way up the street. ‘If you’re not in tomorrow, I’ll call in to Mary’s after work.’

  The doctor had gone and Mary was sitting next to Eileen on the couch, her face ravaged by tears. ‘I can’t believe I’m never going to see Bob again, Eileen! I don’t know what to do! I feel like doing away with meself.’

  ‘Yer can cut that sort of talk out for a start!’ Eileen had grown so fond of this beautiful, gentle girl, she felt torn apart looking into the grief-stricken face. ‘There’s thousands of people suffering in this war, kid, don’t forget.’

  ‘D’you know anybody else whose mother is in hospital and might never walk again? And who’s expecting a baby by a man who’s just been killed? I’m expecting an illegitimate baby, Eileen, and the shock will probably kill me mam.’

  ‘I think yer mam loves yer enough, and is strong enough, to get over it, kid! And you’re only young … yer’ve got yer whole life in front of yer.’

  ‘I don’t want a life without Bob.’

  ‘That’s how yer feel now, but believe me, the pain gets easier as time goes on.’ Eileen picked up the box of tablets the doctor had left. ‘Two of these now, my girl, and off yer go to bed.’

  ‘Can we both sleep in me mam’s double bed? I don’t want to be left on me own.’

  When Harry called the next afternoon Eileen’s face was grim. ‘She’s in a terrible state! I can’t leave her here on her own, so when I’ve been in the ’ossie with her tonight, I’m taking her home with me for a few days.’

  ‘Can I come in and see her?’

  ‘She doesn’t want to see anybody, Harry! God knows what she’s going t
o do when she sees her mam! I only hope she doesn’t break down.’

  ‘She’s not going to tell Mrs Bradshaw then?’

  Eileen shook her head. She had to keep reminding herself that he didn’t know about the baby. ‘The doctor came to give Mary something to calm her down, an’ he said not to tell Mrs B yet.’

  ‘She’s having a hard time of it, isn’t she?’

  ‘Yer can say that again! She’s ’ad the bloody book thrown at her!’

  ‘Only half the book, Eileen. The other half hasn’t been written yet.’ Harry sighed. ‘Will you be in work tomorrow?’

  ‘Yeah. I can’t afford to take any more time off. Me mam will keep her eye on Mary.’

  Chapter Twelve

  Martha’s face broke into a smile when Eileen waddled through the ward door with Mary. Funny how just the sight of the big woman brought a smile even when you were down in the dumps.

  ‘You’ve got the pleasure of my company tonight, so behave yourself.’ Eileen’s voice boomed round the ward as she pulled a chair closer to the bed. ‘An’ how’s me old mate doing?’

  Martha’s patience and practice had paid dividends, and her speech was almost back to normal. ‘Fine! How are you and the children?’

  ‘I could do with swapping places with you for a week! Laying back lookin’ all pale and interestin’ and wallowing in sympathy! It would suit me down to the ground. What d’you think, Mary?’

  Her face thickened with powder to hide the tear stains, Mary swallowed hard. ‘I certainly can’t see you looking all pale and interesting. You wouldn’t get any sympathy from me!’

  ‘There’s a friend for yer! Me fingers are worked to the bone, I’m as thin as a rake, but even me best mate doesn’t feel sorry for me.’ Eileen had never felt less like laughing in all her life. All night she’d lain next to Mary, feeling the shudders as her friend cried into the pillow. And all day she’d watched as the grief and worry etched deeper on her face. And Eileen suffered because she couldn’t share the burden. But there was something she could do now to help. She could distract Martha’s attention away from the tell-tale signs on her daughter’s face. ‘Imagine me in ’ossie! It would take six nurses to lift me on to a bed pan, and givin’ me a bed bath would be like exploring unknown territory because I’ve got bigger mounds on me body than Mount Everest.’

  Martha could hear the visitors at the next bed tittering. ‘You should have been a comedienne.’

  ‘Now, begorra,’ Eileen adopted a thick Irish accent. ‘An’ I would have been! But wasn’t someone after tellin’ me dear old mother that she shouldn’t be putting her daughter on the stage, Mrs Worthington.’

  While her mother was laughing, Mary’s eyes were on Eileen. She’d never get through this visit without breaking down if it wasn’t for her. Big fat Eileen. Always looking untidy and talking like a barrow woman, but she was the kindest, most gentle person in the world.

  Eileen stopped laughing suddenly and looked gob-smacked. ‘Well, be gosh and begorra! If it isn’t Mr Harry Sedgemoor himself, the darlin’ man!’

  Harry nodded to Eileen then held his hand out to Martha. ‘How are you, Mrs Bradshaw?’

  Martha’s smile was genuine. ‘I’m fine, Harry! This is a nice surprise.’

  ‘I was visiting a friend in the men’s ward, and me mam asked me to call in and give you her regards.’

  He’s a better bloody liar than I am, Eileen thought. I bet if I asked him which ward his friend’s in, he’d die of fright.

  Harry looked across the bed. ‘You’re a glutton for punishment, aren’t you, Mary? I’d have thought you’d have had enough of Eileen in work.’

  ‘Mary’s very quiet.’ Martha looked closely at her daughter. ‘Are you all right, lass?’

  ‘Yes! I only seem quiet because I can’t get a word in edgeways.’

  Eileen moved in quickly. ‘That’s right, put the blame on me! Everybody picks on me ’cos I’m too shy to stick up for meself.’

  ‘You shy!? That’s the best joke I’ve heard in years!’ Harry’s heartbeat was returning to normal. It had taken all his courage to come here tonight, but the thought of seeing Mary had drawn him like a magnet. May God forgive him, but when Eileen had told him Bob had been killed his first thought was that he might now stand a chance with Mary. He’d tried to push the thought out of his head, telling himself a good bloke was dead and he should be ashamed of himself. But he couldn’t help it. For as long as he could remember, he’d loved Mary Bradshaw. Even when he’d been too young to know what love was, he knew there was something special about the little girl with blonde curls and big blue eyes who lived a few doors away. And now, as he looked across the hospital bed, he knew he’d love her all his life.

  The ting-a-ling told them it was time for visitors to leave, and Martha’s face fell. The days dragged but the half hour visit flew over.

  ‘I’ll be in tomorrow, Mam.’ Mary bent to kiss her mother. ‘And I’ll try and drag Eileen along to cheer you up.’

  Harry moved to Martha’s side. ‘Can I tell me mam you’re getting better?’

  Martha shot a glance at Mary before answering. ‘I’ll get better, please God.’

  ‘I’ll be in again to see me friend, so I’ll pop in and see you.’

  Eileen nudged him. ‘What ward did yer say your friend’s in?’

  ‘Oh, I didn’t say!’ Harry returned her look calmly. ‘You don’t think I’m that daft, do you? You’d be up there before I could say “snap”.’

  ‘Miserable bugger!’ Eileen grinned, giving him top marks for quick thinking.

  ‘No, I won’t come home with you, Eileen, if you don’t mind.’ They were standing at the bus stop. ‘I’d rather be in me own house.’

  ‘Don’t argue … yer comin’ home with me!’ Eileen spoke sharply, then softened her tone. ‘I don’t like to think of yer in that house all on yer own.’

  ‘I’ll be all right, honest! I’ll sleep better in me own bed.’

  The bus came and Harry sat in the seat in front of them. ‘Can me mam do anything for you? Shopping, perhaps?’

  ‘No thanks, Harry. Eileen got some things for me today, so I’ll manage for a few days.’

  When Mary stood up to get off, Eileen squeezed her arm. ‘I’ll stay on till the next stop to save me legs, seein’ as yer’ve got Harry to walk yer home. Try and get some sleep, an’ I’ll call in on me way home from work tomorrow.’

  Not a word was spoken as they covered the ground. Harry couldn’t think of anything to say and Mary just wanted to get home. They reached the door and without turning round she said, softly, ‘Thanks for going to see me mam, Harry. Goodnight.’

  ‘I’m sorry about Bob, Mary.’

  There was no answer as the door closed in his face.

  Mary drew the curtains, switched the light on, and sank into her mother’s chair. For the first time since John Greenfield had told her Bob was dead, she was alone with her grief. Eileen meant well when she said she didn’t want to leave her on her own, but she didn’t understand that having people around you didn’t make the pain and grief go away. It only put off the time when you could give way to your emotions.

  The tears started and Mary could feel the warmth as they trickled down her cheeks. Then she doubled up and rested her forehead on her knees as her sobs filled the room. Her thoughts were distorted by the gushing sound in her ears as she slowly rocked to and fro, her arms wrapped around her waist. Dark patches of damp appeared on her dress as the tears flowed unchecked, but she didn’t see them as she swallowed hard to clear the lump in her throat that was threatening to cut off her breathing. All the emotions she’d had to keep at bay poured out with her tears, until at last they were spent and the pain in her head eased.

  Mary reached for her handbag at the side of the chair and opened it to take out some photographs. Bob’s face looking back at her from the top photograph was like a knife turning in her heart. They’d loved each other so much, had so many plans for the future, and now he was gone. Never again
would she see his blue eyes crinkle at the corners when he laughed, or hear him say, ‘I love you, Mary Bradshaw’.

  Mary rubbed a hand across her eyes and picked up another photograph. She was leaning against the rail of the Seacombe ferry boat, and Bob’s arms were around her. He was smiling down at her, and Mary remembered that just after the photograph had been taken, he’d bent down and kissed her. She raised the photograph to her lips and whispered, ‘I’ll always love you, Bob West.’

  Eileen searched Mary’s face as she squeezed past her in the small hall.

  ‘I’ve been that worried about yer, I couldn’t keep me mind on me work. How’ve yer been, kid?’

  ‘I took a couple of the sleeping pills and slept on and off for a few hours.’ Mary’s face was swollen and her hair a tangled mass. ‘If I’d had the guts, I’d have taken the lot and got it over with. But I’m too much of a coward to even do that.’

  ‘Not a coward, kid.’ Eileen held her arms wide and Mary walked into them. ‘Just a very frightened girl who’s had more trouble in the last few months than most people get in a lifetime.’ She held the shuddering body close. ‘That’s it, kid; cry it all away.’

  ‘I can’t stop thinking about me mam! I did wrong and deserve to be punished, but me mam’s never done anyone any harm. She doesn’t deserve to suffer.’

  ‘There now,’ Eileen crooned as she stroked the tousled hair. ‘I know things look black now, but it’ll all work out, I promise.’ She waited till the sobbing eased then gently pressed Mary on to the couch. ‘Sit down, kid, and let’s talk it over. It’s no good me sayin’ I know how yer feel, ’cos I don’t! Only you knows how much hurt and pain there is inside yer. And if I say things that upset yer, I’m only being cruel to be kind.’ Eileen leaned forward and took one of Mary’s hands. ‘Live one day at a time, kid, and worry about tomorrow when it comes. If yer want my advice, I say the best thing yer can do is get back to work. Mix with people, so yer don’t have time to think. Sittin’ here all day on yer own won’t do yer no good.’

  ‘I’m not going back to work!’ Fear showed in Mary’s eyes. ‘I couldn’t face the women.’