Loving (1981)

by Steel, Danielle

  Bettina, found herself dividing her excitement between the baby and the new play. It was only in the last month of her pregnancy that her excitement about the play was almost obscured. It seemed as though all she wanted to do was be with Ollie and sit peacefully in the shade, watching Alexander play. She went to bed early, she ate well, she read a little, but it was as though her mind was totally at rest. She didn't want to face any fresh challenges, didn't want to speak to Norton, or worry about making deals. Instead she was preparing for something very Important that took all of her concentration. It seemed to absorb her whole life.

  Two days before her due date Mary came down from San Francisco by plane. She had left all of the kids with her mother, and Seth had gone camping with a friend.

  "Believe me, I'd much rather be here than out camping. So"--she looked at Bettina happily-- "what's been happening with you?"

  "Absolutely nothing. I've turned into a vegetable. I may never write another play." But she didn't even give a damn. All she could think about was the baby and the nursery. She wasn't even that concerned with Oliver anymore. Just with her belly and the soon-to-be child. It was an oddly self-centered existence, and Ollie understood it, because the doctor had warned him that it was like that at the end.

  "What does the doctor say?"

  "Nothing. Just that it could be any day. I don't suppose it'll come on my due date though."

  "Why not?"

  "Things just don't happen like that."

  "Sure they do." Mary giggled as the three of them got in the car. "What you have to do is plan something fancy, like a nice evening, dinner somewhere or an evening at the theater, then you can count on it happening that night." The three of them laughed at the thought, but Ollie decided that he liked the idea.

  "How about dinner at the Bistro?"

  "On my due date?" Bettina looked appalled. "What if something happens?"

  "If you ruin their carpet, then we never go back." He chuckled and Bettina made a face. But he insisted when they got back to the house that he make a reservation for the following night.

  "Oh, Jesus." Bettina looked at him nervously and took Mary upstairs to unpack her bags. The deal they had with the doctor was that she would be at the delivery, just as a friend. But he was amenable to as many observers as they wanted, within reason. "Just no small children or large dogs."

  So the following evening the three of them trooped out to the Bistro to eat. It was as lovely as ever, with soft lighting, cut-glass panels, and elegant decor. Bettina looked radiant, in a floating white summer dress, with a gardenia tucked behind one ear.

  "You look very exotic, Miss Daniels," And then he whispered softly, "I love you too."

  She smiled and reached for his hand under the table, whispering the same thing. But it wasn't until they had ordered that Mary noticed an odd look on her face. At first she said nothing, but when it happened again five minutes later, she looked across the table and caught her eye.

  "Was I right, Betty?"

  "You might have been."

  Oliver didn't hear them. He was ordering the wine. "Well, ladies? Everybody happy?"

  "Absolutely." Mary was quick to answer and Bettina signaled her quickly. She didn't want to say anything yet. But when the dinner came, she only picked at her food. She didn't want to overdo it, if she really was in labor she wanted to keep it light.

  "You didn't eat anything, baby. You feeling okay?" He leaned toward her again as they waited for dessert.

  But she smiled at him brightly. "Not bad, for a broad about to have a kid."

  "When?" He looked at her blankly. "Now?" He looked suddenly panicked and Bettina laughed.

  "Not this minute, I hope, but in a while. I started having pains just before dinner, but I wasn't sure."

  "And now you are?" He quickly grabbed her arm and she laughed.

  "Will you stop that, Ollie? I'm fine. Have dessert and coffee, and then we can go home and call the doctor. Relax."

  But it was impossible, and before the coffee had come, she was having trouble relaxing too. As they had the first time, the pains started to crowd her very quickly and grew rapidly intense.

  Mary was timing contractions as they stood on the sidewalk, Bettina leaning heavily against Ollie, and she nodded her head. "We'd better take you to the hospital, Betty. You may not have time to go home."

  "I should be so lucky." She smiled softly, but from the look in her eyes Ollie knew she was in pain, and suddenly he felt panic clutch him. What if this time was as bad as the first? But Mary saw what was happening to him and grabbed his arm firmly just before she got into the car. Bettina was already lying down on the backseat.

  "She's going to be fine, Ollie. Take it easy. She's okay."

  "Suddenly I couldn't help thinking---"

  "She's probably thinking the same thing. But it's going to be fine." He nodded and Mary slid quickly into the car. "How's it going, Betty?"

  The same." And then a moment later as Ollie moved the car away from the curb: "I'm having another one."

  He looked at Mary in terror. "Should I stop?"

  "Christy no." And with that the two women started laughing. Suddenly Bettina was no longer laughing, and by the time they got to the hospital, she no longer wanted to talk.

  A nurse hurried away to call her doctor as two others ushered her gently into a small sterile-looking room. For a moment Bettina looked at Mary with a grim look in her eyes.

  "I thought you said things had changed." It was a room just like the one where she had spent fourteen agonizing hours strapped down while she screamed.

  "Take it easy, Betty." Slowly she helped her take off her clothes, but they had to stop constantly for the pains. And at last, as she held on tightly to Ollie, they helped her lie down.

  "You okay, babe?" Suddenly he felt helpless and frightened, all he knew was that if they hurt her or his baby, he would kill them. He knew that for a fact. But slowly she smiled at him, holding tightly to his hand.

  "I'm fine."

  "Are you sure?"' She nodded, and then gulped as she felt another pain coming on. But this time Ollie remembered what they had learned together, and he coached her as she breathed. When it was over, she looked at him in amazement with a small smile.

  "You know, it works?"

  "Good." He looked immensely proud and the next time they did it again. By the time the doctor joined them, everything was in control.

  He told her that she was doing beautifully, and only the brief examination reminded her for a moment of the past, but there was nothing else he could do. At least this time no one had tied her down. The nurses were gentle and pleasant, the doctor was smiling, and Mary was somewhere in a corner of the room, Bettina felt surrounded by people who cared about what was happening to her, and through it all Ollie was with her, holding her hand, helping her breathe, and helping her to keep control.

  Half an hour later the pains got harder and for a few minutes Bettina didn't know if she could go on. Her breath caught strangely, she felt herself trembling, she felt sick to her stomach, and she was suddenly violently cold. Ollie looked nervously at Mary, who was sharing a knowing look with another nurse. Bettina was in transition, and they both knew that this would be the worst. Half an hour later she clutched desperately at Ollie's arm and started to cry.

  I can't ... Ollie ... can't ... no!" She cried harder as another pain came, and then screamed as the doctor examined her with his hand.

  "She's at nine." He looked pleased, and then suddenly he was encouraging her too. "Just a few more minutes, Bettina. Come on ... you can do it ... you're doing great ... come on...." As sweat dripped relentlessly down Ollie's sides, somehow they talked her on, and fifteen minutes later the doctor nodded and suddenly everyone around them began to run.

  "Ollie ... oh, Ollie...." She was holding on to him desperately and Mary saw that she was starting to push; it was time. They got her onto the delivery room table, and she grabbed willingly at the handles on either side.

  "Do I
have to have stirrups?" She looked at the doctor desperately, and he smiled.

  "No, you don't." He had a nurse on each side help with her legs and instructed Ollie to support her under her shoulders, and suddenly all she wanted to do was push. She had the feeling that she was climbing a mountain, shoving boulders out of her path with her nose, and now and then it all got too much for her and she slid a little way back down the hill. But all their voices were mingling, encouraging her and spurring her on, and then suddenly, with a last gasp and hard push, Ollie felt her whole body grow stiff as she strained and between her legs a little red face appeared and gave a wail. He looked at it in amazement, still holding her shoulders in his hands.

  "My God, it's a baby!" And then everyone laughed with relief. Two more pushes and the rest of their daughter had appeared.

  "Oh, Ollie ... oh, Ollie, she's so pretty!" She was laughing and smiling, and this, time she was crying with joy, and Ollie and Mary were too. Only the doctor was dry-eyed but he looked as happy as they.

  Half an hour later Bettina was in a room with the baby, and Ollie was still shaken by what he'd seen. His wife looked calm and unruffled, and proud of what she'd done. The whole birth had taken less than two hours, and she looked at them as she held the baby and grinned.

  "You know what? I'm starving." Mary looked at her and laughed.

  "I always was too."

  But Oliver could only sit and stare in rapt fascination at his daughter. "I think you're both disgusting. How can you eat at a time like this?" But she did, she at two roast beef sandwiches, a milk shake, and a doughnut. You're a monster!" He laughed at her as he watched her devour the meal. But his eyes had never been as tender, and at last she held out a hand to him with a small gentle smile.

  "I love you, Ollie. I couldn't have done it without you. A couple of times I thought I was giving out."

  I knew you never would." But once or twice he had been frightened too, only because it had seemed so painful and so much hard work, but there she sat less than an hour later, her face washed, her eyes bright, her hair combed. It was all a little hard to absorb. Mary had gone downstairs for a cup of coffee, and to leave them alone. "You were wonderful, darling. I was so proud." They watched each other in endless, mutual admiration, and for an instant he wanted to ask her to many him. But he knew better. And even then, he didn't dare. They had already chosen the name for the baby. Antonia Daniels Paxton. And that was enough.

  Chapter 47

  "Alexander, what do you think of your sister?" His mother looked at him in some amusement as he shrugged. She and the baby had been home for two days.

  "Pretty cute, for a girl." He had survived his initial disappointment, after Bettina had let him hold her.

  "Boy, is she small!" But he kind of liked her, and he handed her back with a smile. And then later, when he was alone with his mother, he let one thing slip. I'm sure glad you were married to my Dad when I was a kid."

  "Are you? Why?" Bettina looked at him curiously, wondering why he had brought it up.

  "Because what if people knew? Maybe they'd say something funny." He looked at her, frowning. "I wouldn't like that." He had just turned six in June.

  "I guess not. But would it really matter, darling?"

  "It would to me." Bettina nodded quietly and was lost In thought when Ollie came in to visit his wife and child. The doctor had let them leave the hospital quickly because the birth was so easy, but he wanted her to take it easy at home for about a week.

  "What are you looking so serious about, madam?"

  "Alexander. He Just said a very strange thing." She told him and he frowned.

  "Maybe he's just sensitive about that right now." He tried to look noncommittal but there was a light of hope in his eye.

  "What if she is too, six years from now?"

  "Then we'll tell people we're married."

  She looked at him oddly. "Maybe we should."

  "What? Tell people that we're married?" He looked confused, and she shook her head slowly.

  "No, get married I mean."

  "You mean like now?" She nodded and he looked stunned. "Do you mean it?"

  She nodded slowly. "Yes, I think I do."

  "Do you want to?"

  She smiled at him more broadly. "Yes, I want to."

  "Are you sure?"

  "Yes! For heaven's sake, Ollie--"

  "I don't believe it. I never thought I'd see this day."

  "Neither did I. So shut up before I change my mind." Oliver rushed out of the room and a moment later they were laughing and drinking champagne. Three days later, after duly getting their license, with Mary and Seth in tow, Bettina and Ollie went downtown, and in City Hall they took their vows.

  She looked at the certificate suspiciously afterward. "At least it doesn't say you're my fourth husband."

  He grinned, but then he looked at her seriously. "Bettina, you don't have to be ashamed of anything you've ever done. You've done it all honestly. There's nothing wrong with all of that." He had always felt that way about her life, and she loved it about him. He made her feel proud.

  Thank you, darling." And then, hand in hand, they walked down the stairs of City Hall. But when they got home, he was looking pensive and he gently held out a hand.

  There is something else I want to take care of, Mrs. Paxton." But she knew he was only teasing. They had agreed that she would keep her own name.

  "What's that Mister Paxton?"

  But he looked serious when he answered. I want to adopt Alexander. Think I could?"

  "If you mean would John let you, I'm sure of it." They had never heard from him. She looked tenderly at her husband. "Alexander would love it"

  Ollie smiled at her slowly. "So would I. I'll call my lawyer tomorrow." He did, and four weeks later it was done. They were four Paxtons living under one roof.

  Chapter 48

  On the first day in October all of the Paxtons flew to New York. Ollie had taken a three-month leave from work, they had found a nurse in New York to help Bettina with the baby, and they put Alexander back in his old New York school. By now he was a seasoned traveler. Ollie was quick to contact his old friends at the Mail. The play was hard work for Bettina, but she loved it, and she was fully recovered from Antonia's birth. When at last the play opened, it was another smashing success. They spent Christmas in New York in their suite at the Carlyle, and five days later they headed home.

  "Feels good, doesn't it?" Ollie smiled at her happily as they lay in their own bed.

  Bettina nodded happily. "Yeah, it does."

  "I hope you wait awhile before you write another play."

  "Why?" She looked at him in confusion, he was usually so encouraging about her work. But he was laughing on his side of the bed.

  "Because I'm tired of freezing my ass off in New York. Can't you stick to movies for a while?"

  "For the next six months anyway." But she hated to tell him that on the plane home she had been thinking about a new play. Her career was booming, and she had recently had several offers just to do films. Most ardent among her pursuers was Bill Hale, the man who had owned the first apartment they had shared in New York, but she had no desire to work with him and had never answered his calls.

  "When do you start work on the movie?"

  "In three weeks, I think."

  He nodded, and a little while later they were both asleep. And the next morning he went back to work while she reorganized their life. The baby was almost sis months old and as cute as could be. Alexander was still on Christmas vacation and had turned out to be a big help with his sister. He loved to hold his little sister, and he was very proficient at feeding her and making her burp. Bettina was smiling, watching him do it at lunchtime, when she heard the phone. The sitter was hovering somewhere in the background, but Bettina nodded with a smile.

  "I'll get it," She picked it up on the third ring, still watching Alexander hold the baby with a smile. "Yes, this is Mrs. Paxton." And then a long pause and, "Why?" And then suddenly he
r face turned gray and she turned around so Alexander couldn't see her cry. "Fine. "I'll be right there." They called her from the paper, but when she got there, it was already too late. The fire unit was double-parked on the street, and everyone stood around him as he lay lifeless on the floor.

  It was a heart attack, Mrs. Paxton." The editor looked at her mournfully. "He's gone." She knelt gently next to him and touched his face. It was still warm.

  "Ollie?" She whispered it softly. "Ollie?" But there was no sound, and the tears poured down her face. She heard someone urge the bystanders to go back to work or at least leave her alone, and she heard someone else say, "Isn't that Bettina Daniels? ... Yeah ... that was his wife.... " But the name of Bettina Daniels did her no good now. No success on Broadway, no movie, no screenplay, no money, no house in Beverly Hills would bring him back. At forty-five years of age, the man who wanted only the good life, who had wanted only to see tie birth of his first child, had died of a beast attack on his office floor. Oliver Paxton was no more. It was the third man she loved that Bettina had lost in this way, and as she watched them bundle him carefully onto a stretcher, she sobbed in anger as much as in pain.

  Chapter 49

  Mary and Seth Waterston came down for the funeral, and afterward Mary stayed with Bettina for another four days, while Seth went back to work. But there was very little they said to each other. She helped mostly with the children. Bettina seemed hopelessly withdrawn. She didn't move, she didn't talk, she didn't eat. She just sat and stared. Now and then Mary tried to bring her the baby, but even that didn't help. She just waved her away vaguely and went on sitting there, lost in her own thoughts. She was scarcely better the night before Mary left.

  "You can't do this to yourself, Betty." As always she was honest, but Bettina only stared at her.

  "Why not?"

  "Because your life's not over. No matter how hard this is."