In My Head

by Schiefer, S. L.

  I’m not sure why he wants to bet, when I’ve been right the first two times. It’s not like the odds are low, it’s a fifty-fifty shot.

  “Dude, it looks like you’re about to start bouncing around in your seat over there.” The shit eating grin that’s on his face has been there since he got out of bed this morning. Nothing could shatter his excitement, not today.

  We’re in the Tahoe today, but he refuses to let me drive when he’s with me. Something about him not trusting my driving and being a female and all that. Sexist is what that is.

  “I don’t know why you aren’t more excited. We’re about to find out the sex of the surprise baby!” He grabs the steering wheel with both hands now and does bounce a little in the driver seat. God, he acts like such a child. It’s hysterical.

  What he doesn’t know is that I’m excited. I’m just so fucking worried about everything at the same time. What if this baby ends up not being Ben’s? I would be devastated. It would break Ben, absolutely crush him. I don’t want to be the cause of that either. Ben is such a genuine soul that I can’t be responsible for that.

  “You know I’m excited, but it’s not like we have to do any shopping because we have everything we need already.” Shopping is the most exciting part about having a baby. But this time there is no need. I mean we might need to buy another crib, because I’m pretty sure Kody is not going to be anywhere near ready to transfer to a toddler bed.

  I think we might have to change rooms around though. Maybe have Kody and Kay share for a while, until the new baby is big enough to share a room with whichever sibling is appropriate.

  “Oh, we can still go shopping. This baby is going to need something to come home from the hospital in. Something that the other two never wore. And then everyone is going to need new outfits for family pictures.”

  I just stare at my husband. He’s really put a lot of thought into this. But that’s him. Usually ten steps ahead of everyone. He keeps our family together and functioning though so I don’t say anything to him. I usually just shake my head at him, and let him ramble on.

  “Are we doing anything after the appointment or are we just heading back home?” I’ll change the subject, get him off baby stuff for a little bit at least.

  He turns the turn signal on to turn into the parking lot of the doctor’s office. “Not that I know of, we can go grab lunch though if you want?”

  Oh, lunch sounds really good right now. “Cheesecake Factory?” I clasp my hands together and look at him with puppy dog eyes and a pout.

  “You’re fucking cute, you know that? You really think you need to beg me to take you to your favorite place for lunch? Not today, Lyla. Today you could ask for the moon and I would contact NASA.”

  I shake my head, he pulls into a parking spot so I unbuckle and go to open the door. “Wait! I’ll come open the door. Damn, you know I like to open your door.” I sit back in the seat and huff.

  “Hurry, Ben. I really need to pee, so we need to go in and get the ultrasound done so I don’t piss my pants.”

  His eyebrows pinch together. “Real elegant, babe.”

  “You know me, I aim to please, my friend.” I paint on a huge, fake smile. Just to show him that I’m being ridiculous at this point.

  Ben’s body starts shaking with silent laughter. “Oh, come on and let me out of this damn car!” He hurries out the door and shuts it behind him. Walking around the front of the vehicle, he walks as slow as possible to get to my side. I glare at him out the window as my eyes follow his movement.

  He finally makes it to my door and grabs onto the handle. Opening it up and he bows down really deep. “Your highness,” he says in a really fake British accent.

  “You think I’m ridiculous, have you ever listened to yourself with your fake accents? You sound like you’re trying too hard.” I grab onto his hand and let him help me out of the car. He shuts the door behind me, and pulls me to him. He wraps his arms around me, giving me a hug, but not crushing me against him because of the belly.

  “I know, baby. But you find it funny even though you don’t laugh normally. You love it. Oh! Maybe I should talk to you in an Irish accent in bed when I’m fucking you tonight. You do love a good Irish accent!” He pulls back and presses a kiss to my forehead then starts towards the front door to the doctor.

  “I do love a good Irish accent. Any accent really. But, the key word there is good. Not just someone faking it.” He stops so suddenly that I crash right into the back of him. He gabs my arm and swings me towards the building shoving my back against the hard brick.

  “Ooompf! What the fuck?”

  He smashes his lips against me and pushes his leg in between mine, and starts rubbing against me. Finally pulling back from my lips he stares into my eyes with a smoldering look. “I’ll show you fake later, baby. You better believe there will be nothing fake going on in that bedroom except my accent.”

  He pulls back completely from my body. And the instant loss of his heat has me whimpering in protest. “Great, now I have to sit through this entire appointment turned on. Way to go, Ben.” I stomp away from him, yank the door open and don’t even wait to hold it open for him.

  I just march right up to the receptionist and give her my name, and she tells me to take a seat and the tech will be with me soon. Picking a seat in the corner of the room, Ben follows me over and sits down next to me. He gives me a sly grin.

  Leaning in close to me, he whispers into my ear, “You’ll be ready for tonight, won’t you? The anticipation about what might happen tonight will keep you turned on all day. Will you think about what I’m going to do to you all day, Lyla? Will you be soaking wet through your panties when I’m ready for you?”

  The door to the hallway opens up and the tech appears. “Lyla, are you ready?” I shoot up out of my chair, rush past Ben, right up to her. I’m probably shocking her in my haste to get away from my husband.

  “I’m so excited. Let’s go!” I say so enthusiastically that Ben starts laughing behind me. I covertly give him the finger behind my back. Which only causes him to laugh harder.

  The tech gives us a strange look then points down the hall. Knowing the routine, I step up to the scale and hop on there first. Waiting until she writes it down I step back off and make my way back to the ultrasound room. I immediately hop up on the table and lean back on the pillow. Pulling my shirt up I expose my belly for her to put that cold goo on me.

  Ben and her come in a few seconds later chatting. The asshole.

  “All right, guys. Are we finding out the sex?”

  Ben’s eyes light up at this. “Yes, definitely yes.”

  Nodding, she sets about getting everything ready. Snapping on a pair of gloves, she grabs the goo and squirts some onto my belly. Using the wand she spreads it around. We all face the computer then, when she starts pausing in spots to take stills of our baby. She has to chase the baby around because it felt like it was time to start doing somersaults. But it finally settled down for a split second for her to catch a glance of the goods.

  “Well, congrats, Dad. Looks like you’re going to have a little boy. Mom, how do you feel about that?” She smiles at us, completely unaware of how emotional I am.

  “We already have one of each, so another boy is just fine with me. I don’t think I could handle another little diva in my house!” I laugh and look at Ben.

  He has tears in his eyes as he grabs onto my hand with both of his. He leans down to give me a kiss on the lips. “You get to pick the name, baby.”

  I scrunch my face at him. “God, this is what you want to talk about right now? We have plenty of time to pick a name!” The tech laughs with me as she hands Ben a tissue.

  I love my big sappy husband. I’m so glad I walked away from Bronson when I did. I can move on with my life, be a better me and stop doing things I shouldn’t.

  THE RINGING OF MY cell jolts me out of my day dreaming. I look at the caller ID before answering, not recognizing the number. I swipe the answer button and
press the phone against my ear.

  “Hello?” I say into the phone.

  There is a crackle from the other end of the line. I pull the phone away and stare at the screen. It doesn’t say that the call has ended, so I press the ear piece back up to my ear. Straining to hear anything from the other end. “Hello?” I try again.

  “Lyla?” The voice is far away, but I instantly know who it is. My entire body stiffens in confusion and worry that he has actually called me.

  I lower my voice when I say, “Bronson? What are you doing?”

  There is a stretched out silence before he answers. “I, uh, I’m in trouble, Lyla. I just wanted to see you one last time. Because I’m going to be disappearing for a while.”

  Trouble? Disappearing? What the actual fuck? Shaking my head, I try to speak, but I’m not sure what to say.

  “Look, if you could just meet me somewhere. We can’t stay in one place because I don’t know if I’m being followed or not but we can go for a drive.”

  I feel myself nodding to agree with him, as if he can see me through the phone. Mentally giving myself a shake, I try to get it together. “Where do you want to meet?” I find myself asking. I guess it’s impossible for me to tell him no.

  I PARK IN TOWN by the coffee house along the square, so he can just pull in beside me, I can hop into his car and we can take back off. I’ve been sitting here for about ten minutes now, If I sit here for much longer, I’m going to end up going in and grabbing a coffee and food.

  Staring straight ahead I think more and more about going in and getting stuff, but

  seconds later Bronson pulls his car in next to mine. Grabbing my keys out of the ignition, I throw open my door and hop out, slamming it behind me. I hit the lock button on my key fob and grab the handle to the door to Bronson’s car. Opening that I slip in and shut it.

  He immediately slams his car into reverse and is peeling out of the parking spot. Forcing me to grab onto the “oh shit” bar to keep me from sliding around the seat. I scramble to get my seatbelt on before he does something else crazy.

  “What’s going on? Why are you in trouble?” I keep a cautious hand on the bar to hold myself just in case he turns fast.

  Looking over at him from the passenger seat, I see him constantly glancing up to the rear view mirror to see if anyone is following us. His hair is sticking out in every direction and when he does make eye contact with me his eyes look crazed. Like he’s gone off his rocker.

  “Bronson, you need to talk to me.” I keep trying to get him to talk to me. But, he doesn’t give me anything. He just keeps driving, taking us out of town. “Seriously, you need to talk to me.”

  He scoffs and gives me a look. A look that makes it seem like he’s upset with me, but I’m not sure what I could have done to upset him. I haven’t even seen him in a while. “I need to talk to you? What about you? We never really got personal, me or you. So why start now? I just wanted to have a good last day here and spend some time with you. But your incessant questioning is irritating.”

  I jerk my head back like I’ve been slapped. My incessant questioning. Facing forward I grind my teeth together. I’m seriously pissed he would have the balls to say that to me. “I’m not sure what the fuck is going on. But if you don’t want me any part of it why the fuck would you call me and drag me out here just for you to be an asshole to me?”

  He growls before slamming the accelerator down harder. Flying down the highway at an alarming speed is starting to scare me. It’s one thing to be cruising at a higher speed, but he’s driving recklessly. I need to try a different tactic.

  “Baby, will you please slow down? I don’t want you to get in an accident. You will ruin your car and then you’ll have to start over on it.” I say this all with a soothing voice. Trying to play the role of peace keeper, when that is not me at all.

  He looks into the mirror one more time before finally easing up on the gas. Heaving a sigh of relief, I rack my brain as to what I can do to get him to open up. I know it isn’t going to be easy, but damn he needs to give me something here. Or I’m seriously done. I can’t keep playing this game with him anymore.

  I reach my hand across the center of the car, and try to grab onto his arm. I try to gently pull his hand away from the steering wheel, so I can hold his hand and try to ease his tension right now. If I don’t get him calmed down I don’t know what’s going to happen.

  “Tell me what happened.” I try to keep my voice neutral and calm, but a hint of authority comes out too.

  He takes his eyes away from the road for just a split second before he glances up at the mirror again. Satisfied that we’re not being followed he keeps driving, but does slow down.

  “Can you at least tell me where we’re going?” I’ll get him talking about something else, maybe if I try that I can sneak in some other questions in a little bit. That is if he even tells me anything.

  “I’m just driving out of town. I don’t really know what is up this way, but I know that the people that are after me won’t come up here.”

  There it is again. He said he was in trouble but I just don’t understand what kind of trouble he could be in.

  “Are the cops after you?” If the cops are after him I need out of here right now, I’m not getting involved with that. That’s a surefire way of people finding out about us.

  He laughs. But it isn’t his laugh. It’s a laugh that sounds so maniacal and evil. This Bronson sitting beside me is a complete one-hundred and eighty degrees different than the one I know.

  “No, Lyla. I wish it were the cops after me. Then this mess I got myself in wouldn’t be that bad.” His eyes don’t leave the road when he speaks that time. He has shrugged off my attempt at holding his hand a couple times now, so I let my hand fall back into my lap.

  “What kind of people are after you?” I don’t know that I want to know the answer to this question, but maybe if I can figure this out we can come up with a game plan.

  “The people after me are a ‘take no prisoners’ kind of group. If they don’t get what they want, they come after you full force. They give you three strikes, then you’re done.” He finally looks at me when he says the word “done.”

  His face is contorted in pain. But then smooths out to a kind of manic, serene calm. The kind of calm that makes the person on the receiving end of that face completely lose their shit.

  “What do you mean, Bronson?” Then it fucking dawns on me. “You do drugs don’t you? And you owe people a lot of money? Are they coming after you to teach you a lesson or are they just done with you?” I rush all of that out, and by the end of it I’m shrieking at him. My voice has taken on a higher tone, making me sound shrill.

  “You finally put it together did you?” Bronson completely transforms in that instant. “You think this good old boy act I had going on was who I actually am? When I’m using, and keeping up with it, I’m such a great liar. I love using people, love getting what I want from them. And, from you my dear, all I wanted was a great piece of ass.”

  He turns his head to look at me and his foot presses down on the gas again, causing the car to jerk forward again. He’s getting more agitated and I feel powerless to stop him. “You came into the woods that first day and you looked so fucking lost. You looked just like me. We’re kindred souls, you see. I saw in you, what I felt on a daily fucking basis.”

  “Oh my god!” I’m having a hard time absorbing everything that he just told me! I can’t believe I fell for his epic line of bullshit! I’m smarter than this, I know I am. But he was just so fucking convincing.

  “Yeah, changing your mind about how you feel about me now, sweetheart? That’s the thing about users, we’ll tell you whatever you want to hear and we’re just so fucking good at it.”

  My eyes start darting around the car, trying to figure out what the fuck I can do to get out of this car. I can’t be here. I can’t process and deal with this while I’m still in this car.

  “You need to take me back to my car.
Right now! I don’t know what your point is that you had to drag me out here with you. But you need to let me go!” I’m definitely shrill now. My hands are shaking, I tucked my phone into my bra hopefully to hide it from his view so he doesn’t try to take it from me. But with my hands shaking so damn bad, I dropped it a couple times.

  “You aren’t going anywhere, sweetheart. Not until I’m done with you.” He looks in his mirror again, and I’m thrown into the door of the car when he suddenly turns onto a side road. My head explodes in pain, feeling like a thousand tiny shards of glass just burst in my head. I drop my head into my hands and hold the side of it. Trying to rub the pain away. It dazed me for just a minute. But I seriously need to keep my wits about me.

  If I try to call the cops, he could do something really stupid before they could find me.

  He mutters under his breath. I glance over at him, and his face his flitting from facing the road to both mirrors. Looking behind him. I turn in my seat and try to look behind me, but his hand shoots out and grabs my face and pushes hard. Shoving me down into the seat further.

  “Don’t fucking look behind you, you’re going to draw attention to me not being alone in here. God, you are stupider than I thought!”

  I pause from holding my head to look at him. To really look at him. The same messy hair looks like it hasn’t been washed in days, the pallor of his skin is a sickly white, and he’s sweating profusely. God, was I so blinded by what he was making me feel that I totally missed all of this?

  I want to try to reason with him again, but I know it would be a futile attempt. I know enough that if you try to reason with someone when they’re like this, it will only make things worse.

  If I knew where he was taking me, I could at least try to come up with a plan. But I’m so lost here. I’m so out of control that I have no idea what’s going to happen. I think of my family, if I’ll ever see them again. I choke back a sob, trying to keep myself from feeling like I’ve given up. But what choice do I have? I don’t have any idea what to do to stop this. To make him let me go.