Lucy in the Sky

by AnonYMous

  But then Ross and Cam went into the bathroom together and I think they totally smoked pot because when they came out, they were sort of giggling. Ross started talking on and on about how cool Ian was and how much fun they had the other night at the party, and I realized THAT was the night I was texting him, so he wasn’t busy with anything like his dad, just at a big party.

  I got really quiet because I was feeling left out. I mean, it wasn’t fair that Cam and Ross got to get stoned and I didn’t, and it REALLY wasn’t cool of Ross to not return my text messages when he was just at a party. I mean HOW HARD IS IT TO TEXT AT A PARTY??? GRRRR.

  Then the boys got hungry and Ross ordered food that they brought out for us right there at the pool, and we didn’t even have to pay for it. He said his mom got an expense account at the hotel every month for clients and it was okay with her if he got lunch for himself and friends as long as he didn’t spend too much.

  The food helped, because I realized I was really hungry from yoga, but then Ross noticed I was being superquiet and asked what was up.

  I just said, Nothing, but he wouldn’t let it go, so I told him. Well, I whispered it. I said:

  I want a hit.

  And Cam heard me and said, You won’t really like it.

  And I shot him a look and said, I already really like it. You don’t know everything about me.

  Cam frowned for a second, and then Ross busted out laughing like it was the funniest thing ever. When Cam heard that, he started laughing too. I said, See? You’re both high as kites so everything is funny. NOT. FAIR.

  Ross promised me that he would smoke me out at the party on Saturday.

  Cam was laughing too, but he kept looking over at me and then looking away on the drive home. I hope he isn’t getting all Big Brotherly on me.

  July 26

  I just got back from Cam’s bedroom and I’m SHAKING. I can barely hold the pen to write this in the journal. Oh my God. My handwriting looks like crap.

  I can’t BELIEVE what just happened.

  Cam has to work really early on Saturday morning cleaning a pool for these people who have this big party planned for their kids. He told me that he couldn’t go to the party because he has to get in bed really early.

  I told him that Ross could take me to the party, and he said, I don’t feel comfortable with that.

  I told him that I didn’t care what he felt comfortable with, I was going to this party with Ross and Ian no matter what.

  He just stared at me. I was standing in the doorway of his room, and he got up and pulled me in and closed the door. He was like, Do you want me to tell Mom and Dad that you’ve been running around smoking weed with Ross?

  I just stared at him. I said, Are you serious? Because I’ll march right in there this second and tell them that you’ve been smoking pot with Ross in PUBLIC. At the HOTEL. And who knows where else? And I’ll also tell them that you were standing right there when I had my first beer.

  I sort of wished I hadn’t said that because he looked hurt, but I mean, come on! You’re going to THREATEN me? He rolled his eyes and said, I can’t believe you’ve been smoking pot.

  I said, Look. I’ve had two puffs off of two different joints. It’s not like I’m some crazy stoner chick. I just liked it. It’s no big deal.

  Finally I got him to agree that I could go and he wouldn’t tell Mom and Dad anything.

  I just got a text back from Ross. He and Ian are going to swing by and pick me up in 2 hours.

  OMG.

  WHAT AM I GOING TO WEAR???

  Later …

  Cam came into the bathroom while I was putting on my makeup and just leaned against the door. He was watching me in the mirror while I put on mascara, and he asked how I could do that without poking my eye out. I told him I am talented. He cracked a smile for the first time all day. Finally.

  Then he came over and hugged me and told me that I was pretty.

  I laughed and told him to stop being a weirdo.

  But really, it made me feel so good on the inside, like he finally accepts that I can make my own decisions, like he doesn’t just see me as his stupid kid sister anymore.

  Oh! He just called for me. Ian and Ross must be here. He’s insisting on walking me out so that he can be all big brother and tell them to take good care of me.

  July 27

  Holy crap. HOLY CRAP!

  I don’t even know where to begin. My head is in 100 thousand different places. AND POUNDING LIKE A JACKHAMMER. This is the first time I’ve been able to sit up all morning, but I had to write all of this down so I don’t forget!

  First things first: So, Ross and Ian came in to meet Mom and Dad, because of course when they found out that Cam wasn’t going to the party, Mom almost had a heart attack and wasn’t going to let me go. Luckily Dad was cleaning up the flower bed out front when Ross and Ian pulled up, and he recognized Ian. Apparently Ian was in a section of music theory last fall that Dad teaches. He and Dad were laughing and talking when Mom stormed out to say that I couldn’t go to the party, and Dad introduced her to Ian, and Ian was really charming and promised that they’d have me back home by midnight and that nothing bad would happen.

  I HATE hearing people say that they’ll “keep an eye on me.” As if I’m some crazy person who might just EXPLODE at any moment. Whatever. Ian told Mom that he really loved her impatiens in the flower bed that Dad was weeding and how he used to work in a nursery. Then they talked for like 29 years about soil types, and Ross and Cam and I were almost comatose from boredom by the time Mom finally glanced over at me and said that it was okay if I went to the party.

  So FINALLY we got in the car, and I was so happy to finally get out of there that I didn’t even mind that Ross sat up front with Ian. I mean, I guess it would have been weird for him to sit in the back with me, but I thought that maybe he’d at least offer me the front seat. Whatever.

  So we drive up the coast and get to this amazing house that’s all glass and chrome and is perched on a cliff overlooking the ocean and there’s this pool that looks like it flows off of the cliff—an infinity pool. It looks like it just goes on and on forever. Ian’s friend Blake answered the door barefoot in designer jeans and a bright green Lacoste polo that was tight around his biceps. He was handsome and had brown hair that was short on the sides and messy on top. Ian introduced him to Ross and then me.

  When I walked in, Blake smiled at me almost like he was shy. Then he took my hand and said that Ian was the best friend in the world for bringing the prettiest girl to his party.

  I was like WHAT? I looked over at Ross, who winked at me and laughed. Blake slid my hand around his arm like he was walking me down the aisle at a wedding and gave us the full tour. It was really crowded already. People were everywhere, and it seemed as if Blake knew every single one of them.

  Upstairs in the master suite, Blake slid open the big glass wall and led me out onto the balcony, and Ian and Ross followed us. The view was so amazing that it took my breath away. I asked Blake what it was like to wake up in that bed and see this view every morning, and he turned and looked right at me and said, Why don’t you stay tonight and find out?

  I blushed really hard. I jerked my arm away from him and put my hands up to my cheeks. I didn’t want to, but I couldn’t help it! I felt so strange inside. Ian laughed and Ross whistled, and I just didn’t understand what was happening. I mean, Blake is very, very handsome, and he’s not that much older than I am. He just turned 20, so he’s like 31/2 years older than me, but I really like Ross, and I couldn’t understand why he was whistling and hooting, and it sort of made me mad at him because I realized that he wasn’t acting like he liked me back very much.

  When we got back downstairs, new people had arrived with bottles of white wine and vodka. Blake led the way into the kitchen, which was as nice as the master bedroom. It was like something out of a magazine. I looked around at all of the people who were there, and I pulled Ross aside while Ian was making us drinks and whispered, WOW we�
��re like the youngest people here.

  He smiled at me and said, I know! Isn’t it better than those dumb high school parties?

  I stepped out the big glass doors off the kitchen toward the pool to get a closer look. There were already a lot of people outside, and I walked down to the end where the pool seemed to flow over the edge of the cliff and looked past the clear glass partition at the edge of the pool area. The water flowed over a false edge into a trough below where it was sucked back into the pool filtration system. It created a pretty little waterfall.

  When I turned around, there were two girls standing behind me, admiring the view. I say girls, but one was older than the other. She must’ve been in her 30s but she was dressed much younger. Her hair was red, but I don’t think it was her natural color. She was standing next to a tall blond girl who looked like she was about my age, only she had really long legs and wore a short black dress. She was holding a beer, and she looked like a high schooler on a TV show—you know, one of those shows where high school girls are really pretty and have million-dollar wardrobes and no zits, and they’re constantly getting their moms out of trouble instead of getting into trouble themselves? Anyway, she looked like that, and when I turned around, I realized that she was closer to my age than anyone else at the party besides Ross.

  Both girls smiled and said hi. The blond girl told me her name was Lauren. I introduced myself and then turned back to follow her gaze back out across the water. We both stared for a minute in silence, and then she said how amazing this place was. I smiled and agreed. The redhead said her name was Diane and asked who I was there with. I told her I was there with Ross. She asked if that was the guy who came with Ian, and I said yes. Lauren asked me how long I’d known Ross, and I told her we’d been going out for a couple of weeks. This made Diane start laughing really hard, and Lauren sort of looked at me like she felt sorry for me and elbowed Diane in the ribs.

  I asked what was so funny. Lauren looked at me and said: Ross is gay.

  I stood there at the end of the pool, and the first thought I had when she said it was that I was glad there was a glass partition behind me to keep me from falling over the edge of the cliff. I. COULDN’T. BELIEVE IT.

  Diane was still laughing and told Lauren to come inside with her because there were a bunch of people Diane needed to introduce her to. She tried to grab Lauren’s arm, but Lauren didn’t even look at her. Just rolled her eyes and shook Diane off her arm. She told Diane to go ahead, that she’d come in a minute. Diane told her to hurry and then walked back toward the house.

  I turned back around toward the ocean and closed my eyes really tight. I thought maybe Lauren would just take the hint and follow Diane back into the house. I didn’t want her to see me cry. I didn’t want to cry, but I couldn’t help it. I knew that my mascara was going to run and I’d look like a raccoon.

  I felt Lauren walk up next to me, so I opened my eyes. She was staring out at the ocean and the lights on the coastline in the distance. She was quiet for a minute, then I felt her pat me on the back and say, All the cute ones are gay. I tried to smile, but I was so embarrassed.

  When I was quiet, she just kept talking—like it was easy. I could tell she was one of those girls who could talk to anybody. I usually hate them because sometimes it’s really hard for me to speak up, but I was glad that she was there. Otherwise it would have just been me crying over the edge of the cliff at a party where I should have been having fun. I HATE that about myself. Most of the time I feel like everyone else is cooler and smarter and prettier than I am. It was nice that she was talking to me because it gave me a second to chill out and just listen.

  Lauren told me that when she’d first met Ross at that party on the beach with Ian, she thought he was really cute too. And she told me not to feel bad because she’d thought he was straight ’cause of the truck and the surfboards and everything. She told me that she was new to town, too. She’d just moved here from New York to live with her dad. His name is Gerald (with a hard G, not a J sound) and he’s a music producer. Blake’s dad is a movie producer, so basically he is a rich kid who grew up in the Palisades. He dropped out of NYU and started a band. Lauren used to sneak out of the house in New York to go to Blake’s shows, and she told her dad about his band. Her dad came with her to a show one night and signed the band, so Blake moved back out to Los Angeles.

  I asked Lauren why she moved to Los Angeles. She was quiet for a minute, then looked at me and told me that she came to live with her dad because her mom’s boyfriend in New York was a total creep who kept hitting on her. She took a sip of her beer, then offered it to me. I smiled at her and told her that I don’t like beer.

  She laughed really loudly and said, ME NEITHER, then reached over and poured the rest of her beer into the pool. I started laughing too, and it felt good to laugh with somebody. Lauren said C’mon and grabbed my hand and pulled me back toward the house. I asked her where we were going, and she said to find some good stuff.

  I couldn’t believe how cool Lauren was and that she was being so nice to me.

  Lauren gave Diane the slip again, weaving past her near the door to the house. She said Diane worked at the label for her dad. Diane was trying to introduce Lauren to people, supposedly because Lauren was new in town, but really so that Diane could pretend to be important and cool by running around with her boss’s daughter.

  Lauren led us to the bar in the kitchen where Blake was mixing drinks. Ian and Ross were there, passing a joint back and forth. Ross came over and gave me a hug and kiss on the cheek. He said he was so glad Lauren and I had met each other. Lauren rolled her eyes and jabbed him in the ribs.

  What was that for? Ross wanted to know.

  Lauren said it was for being a heartbreaker and that we weren’t here for hot gay guys, we were here for cosmos.

  Blake laughed hard when she said that, shouted COMIN’ RIGHT UP, then started pouring vodka and cranberry and some other stuff into a martini shaker. I had never had a cosmo, just seen them on TV. The women drinking them were always wearing high heels like Lauren’s, and they didn’t ever seem to feel ugly or at a loss for words, like me. I looked around at Ian and Blake and Ross and Lauren, and all of a sudden I didn’t feel like a loser anymore.

  Blake passed me a martini glass with cold pink liquid about to slosh over the rim. I took a small sip off the top as he held it. It was SO GOOD! It was sweet, but not syrupy like wine coolers. It was so cold and a little tart, but then as I swallowed it, I felt the warmth of the vodka all the way down. Blake grinned at me over the rim of the glass, like we were sharing a secret. He told me I had perfect lips, and when he said it, I blushed. AGAIN. He was so cute and had this little dimple when he smiled halfway. He actually reminded me a little bit of stupid Nathan—only Blake is MUCH COOLER.

  By the time I finished that drink in the kitchen with Lauren, I was feeling SO BUZZED. It was so much fun, and Blake had cranked up the music in the living room. Ross grabbed Lauren’s hand and reached for mine, and I pulled my hand back like Ross was a hot stove. I felt this weird stab in my chest and just looked at him. No matter how much I didn’t want to feel it, I was hurt; hurt that he hadn’t mentioned he was gay; embarrassed that I hadn’t figured it out; afraid that he thought I was stupid for having a crush on him.

  He must’ve seen it in my eyes, ’cause he tossed his bangs in that little way he always does, and said, I have to dance with you right now.

  I crossed my arms, and said, Why?

  He said because it’s a rule that the gay dude has to dance with the two hottest girls at the party, and Lauren’s already coming, so that just leaves you.

  I peered up at him through my lashes and said, I flat-ironed my hair at 6 a.m. for you that first day we went to the beach.

  Lauren threw her head back and laughed so hard she snorted. That made me start giggling, and suddenly I was leaning against Ross to keep from falling down. We all laughed so hard we almost cried, and just like that, with a group hug and a good laugh, all o
f the embarrassment melted away, and I realized that there was something better than making out with Ross would ever be: dancing with him at this party.

  Blake followed us into the living room that ran the length of the house. It had gotten dark outside finally, and the pool was lit up, flowing over the edge of the cliff. The moon was high in the sky, and I felt so good! The cosmo made my head feel all warm and I was laughing with Lauren as we sandwiched Ross between us and danced with our hands up in the air.

  Blake danced up behind me and I felt his hands on my waist. My heart started beating really fast, and at first I pulled away a little, but then he gently pulled me back into him and whispered in my ear. He said, I don’t bite, and I laughed, and then he said, At least not hard anyway, and that made me smile. I leaned my head back against his chest and he wrapped his arms around my waist and I felt him pressed up against me. I could barely breathe!

  The doorbell rang, and someone answered, and a another big group of Blake’s friends found us in the living room. As Blake kissed and fist-bumped and high-fived his way around the room, Lauren came dancing over and whisper-yelled over the music, OMG! BLAKE LIKES YOU SO MUCH. Then she said, C’mon let’s go get more cosmos.

  So we did.

  Lauren’s cosmos tasted as good as Blake’s did! I asked her how she learned, and she just flipped a long strand of blond hair over her shoulder and raised her eyebrow. She said that some girls are scouts and learn how to sew buttons and tie knots. She’d been mixing drinks for her mom since she was 12.

  We danced our way back to the living room with our glasses and danced with these two really tall guys who were twins, for what seemed like hours. As we danced, I kept looking over at Lauren and thinking how comfortable she was with all of this, and then I realized: SURPRISE! YOU’RE comfortable with all of this, and it felt so AMAZING. I knew that this wasn’t just me being there with Lauren. It was the cosmos. They totally helped! I’d always heard all of this stuff about how dangerous it was to drink and how many teenagers get killed in drunk driving accidents, but no one ever told me how it actually FEELS to be buzzed on cosmos and dancing with two hot guys and your new friend at a party overlooking the ocean!