by AnonYMous
Somehow my glass kept getting refilled and it felt like we were dancing for hours. I was feeling really buzzed when one of the twins asked Lauren if we wanted to come outside with them for a cigarette. Lauren just laughed and said that tobacco was totally gross. Then she blew the twins a kiss and dragged me upstairs, giggling.
When we got to the master bedroom, Blake was leaning over a mirror on the bedside table. I didn’t really see what he was doing, but when he saw us, he popped up and rubbed his nose, sniffing, and said LADIES! really loud, like us coming in was the best thing that had ever happened. Lauren sort of froze and was looking down at the bedside table. I followed her gaze and there was a mirror sitting there with a little pile of white powder on it. I was FREAKING OUT! I didn’t even know anybody who KNEW anybody who did cocaine, and now there was a pile of it sitting right in front of us.
I felt an arm come around my waist and somebody kissed my neck, and I turned around to see Ross. When I saw him, he pinched my stomach, and it tickled, so I giggled and twisted around. Right then Blake pointed at the mirror and asked Lauren if she wanted to do a line. I guess he meant sniff a line of cocaine because I’d never actually heard anyone offer someone cocaine, much less SEEN IT RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF ME!!!
I sort of held my breath. Ross was watching Lauren too. She flipped her hair over her shoulder and said, WE aren’t doing any REAL drugs. But I might show a little leg for a joint! Ross whooped and shouted TAKE IT OFF, BABY! and pulled a little tinfoil pouch out of his pocket, waving it around. Blake cracked up, and before I knew it, he had set up this really big glass tube with about 3 inches of water in the bottom. Ross called it a bong and gave me a step-by-step on what he was doing as he loaded some brown powdery stuff into the tiny bowl on the side.
I was feeling all spinny from the cosmos, and when I saw the brown powder in the tinfoil I said, Oh no! Ross, your weed went bad. It’s all brown! and everybody cracked up. Blake came over and told me I was his new favorite girl and that this was called hash—which Ross said is like just the part of marijuana that makes you get high, or something like that. I can’t really remember. All I knew was that Lauren said if I liked pot, I’d REEEEEEEALLY like hash.
SHE.
WAS.
RIGHT!
OMG.
I took one hit off of the bong, and the smoke didn’t even make me cough. When I smoked joints with Ross, it took a couple minutes to feel anything. Maybe it was ’cause I’d already drank three cosmos, or maybe it was just ’cause this was hash, but it hit me—WHAM! The minute I blew the smoke out I felt SO HIGH.
Only, this high was DIFFERENT. I didn’t feel paranoid, like I sometimes do when I smoke pot. I just felt floaty, and good. I’m not really sure how we got downstairs, because the next thing I remember is Lauren kicking off her high heels and standing up on the diving board with me. Blake had turned the music on the outside speakers up really loud, and Blake and Lauren and I started dancing on the diving board.
Lauren saw the twins and jumped down to run over and say hi, and then it was just me and Blake dancing on the diving board over the pool. I could see Ian and Ross were down by the edge where the pool seemed to drop over the cliff. Ross had his arms around Ian’s neck, and there was this smile on his face that made me feel so good inside.
I spun around a little too fast, though, and I guess I was drunker than I thought, or maybe it was the hash, but the next thing I knew I had fallen in the water. And the most AMAZING thing happened: I started laughing. I mean, usually I’d have just fallen apart from embarrassment and wanted to just drown. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? Falling off the diving board right in front of a WHOLE PARTY full of people staring at me like that?
The water felt cool against my skin, not too cold, and I saw all of these bubbles burst up in front of my face and realized that I was laughing. I was laughing at myself, and how silly it was that I was dancing on a diving board with a 20-year-old boy anyway, and then OF COURSE that I was the klutz who would fall into the water, and it felt AMAZING!
Of course, it only took me about 10 seconds to think all of this, but the hash was still playing with my sense of time, I think, because it felt like quite a while. Only, I wasn’t panicked from being in the water, just laughing at myself, and then through the bubbles from my laughter, I saw another body splash into the pool and then swim toward me. It was BLAKE! He had jumped in with all of his clothes on too, and I felt his arms around me as we swam up to the surface.
When our heads popped out of the water, I heard the music again and I heard Blake laughing. I turned toward him as Blake found his footing near the shallower end of the middle of the pool. He pulled me closer and said, Gotta be careful dancing on the diving board. He said it with a big sweet smile. Then he leaned in and kissed me. I closed my eyes and just felt weightless in the water, with Blake’s arms wrapped around my waist and my legs tangled up in his.
Ross and Lauren were suddenly at the edge of the pool, and Ross shouted, OH JEEZ! Come up for air you two! And then I heard Lauren giggle, and I looked up just as she pushed Ross into the pool, then jumped in herself. All of a sudden the whole place turned into a POOL PARTY and about 20 people were in the pool with their clothes on, laughing and shrieking, and in the middle of it all Blake and I were floating around kissing. I can’t remember when I’ve EVER had more fun in my entire LIFE.
After a while Blake helped me out of the pool and we went upstairs to get towels. When we were in his bathroom, he took off his shirt and jeans right there in front of me, like it was no big deal. He draped a white robe over my shoulders. Then we kissed for a long time. OMG! I HAD NEVER KISSED A GUY IN JUST HIS UNDERWEAR. He was just wearing a pair of black briefs, which I thought was sort of sexy because most high school guys wear boxers. Not that I’ve seen a lot of them except when their jeans are riding low. But Blake’s underwear looked sort of expensive and made him seem like a grown-up. I was leaning up against the sink, and Blake was breathing really heavily. I could feel that he was hard through his underwear and it was pressed right up against me. I made out with Sean last year when we went to homecoming, and it was the same thing, but Sean was wearing jeans at the time, and he was kissing me like he was going to swallow half of my face. Blake is a MUCH better kisser, and he was kissing my neck and giving me goose bumps all up and down my arms (even WITH the robe on) when I heard Ian calling my name and coming up the stairs.
That’s when I remembered I had a curfew.
Blake wasn’t too happy that I had to be home so early. He kept pulling me closer to him and whispering “don’t go” into my ear, but I finally giggled and pushed him away. Back downstairs, Ross, Lauren, and Blake traded cell numbers for everybody. Lauren kept laughing and hugging me and saying OMG! I’m so happy we met! We’re going to have so much fun!
As I headed downstairs in my soggy clothes, my head was starting to feel a little heavy, like I couldn’t hold it up by myself. Blake leaned in for one last kiss and whispered, When will I see you again? in my ear. I tried to say “soon,” but the room was kind of spinning and it was like my tongue was made of a big cotton ball, only it was heavy and I couldn’t make it move the way I wanted it to. Ross was laughing and said, C’mon, princess, let’s get you to the car.
Somehow I got to the backseat of Ian’s SUV, because the next thing I remember is Ross yelling, WHOA WHOA WHOA, and Ian must’ve pulled over, because I felt the car swerve and then stop really fast. Ross opened the door, and I leaned over and barfed really hard onto the curb. My head was pounding, and Ross was there, helping me sit back up in the car.
I remember pulling up to our house, and I tried to get out, but Ross wouldn’t let me. He was texting someone on his phone, and the last thing I really remember is Cam coming to the door of the SUV and telling me that I had to be quiet. I don’t know what I was saying, really.
When I woke up this morning, I was in bed, and my head hurt so bad, I thought I might throw up again. I went into the bathroom and took some Advil and lay back down again.
I must’ve drifted off, because I just woke up again to my phone buzzing. I have 3 text messages: Ross, Lauren, and Blake. THAT put a big smile on my face just now. I’m SO EXCITED to hang out with all of them again. I want Cam to meet them too. He’d love Blake, I think.
Only next time, no hash when I’ve had 3 cosmos. UGH. I don’t EVER want my head to hurt like this again.
Later …
ARGH. Sometimes I just hate Cam so much.
He is soooooooo pissed about last night. He said that he was almost asleep when he got a text from Ross that I was wasted and that he had to come get me out. He asked me if I even remembered walking into the house. I said yes, but I don’t, and he knew it. He asked me if I remembered talking to Mom and Dad and I said of course I did, and he just shook his head and glared at me and said Mom and Dad were in BED. Then he called me an idiot under his breath.
I don’t see what the big deal is. I mean, they don’t know I came home drunk, and they’re not going to find out. I told Cam he should just calm down. He said, CALM DOWN? You came home last night in a BLACKOUT.
I don’t really think it was a blackout. I mean, I still remember most everything. I think a blackout is like when you wake up somewhere and you don’t know how you got there, right? Either way, I got sort of scared when I saw how upset Cam was, plus my head still hurt and my stomach felt really gross. I started to cry a little bit, and Cam chilled out. He brought me some orange juice and told me that I had to be smarter about partying, but he was still really serious about everything.
I just don’t understand why he has to be like that. I mean, nothing happened. Next time I’ll just drink more slowly, and I won’t smoke hash on top of it. It’s really no big deal.
Lauren just texted me. She said she had fun last night and I should call her when I’m up.
She didn’t seem too drunk at all last night. I wonder if she has some tips for not getting quite so wasted? OMG. LOL. Maybe I just won’t drink ever again. Jeez. I’m gonna call Lauren. That’ll make me feel better.
OH! AND! I’m going to pack for VACATION next week!
That’ll make me feel better for SURE!
July 28
Blake keeps texting me!
Okay, he’s not really texting, he’s sexting—all about how he wants to kiss me again. He said he wants to be in the pool with me again, only this time just us, and we’ll take our clothes off first.
I sorta blushed when I read that one.
Lauren says he’s a horn-dog and Ross says that he’s a cokehead.
But I kinda can’t stop thinking about him. I keep replaying that scene in his bathroom in my mind, and I get that same feeling, like I can’t quite catch my breath, and my pulse races. Then he’ll send me a text about wanting to feel my body against his or something, and I get all embarrassed by it, and nervous—like I’m ashamed of it. Yesterday the text he sent me just grossed me out, and I didn’t even text him back.
It’s confusing. I want him to like me and I want him to be turned on by me, but I feel like the cosmos and the pot got me to jump way past this place where it was flirty and fun, and we wound up almost naked in his bathroom. Now it all seems to mean more somehow, or maybe I just want it to mean more?
Maybe it only means more to me, and I feel like every text he sends me is all about my body. That’s why I feel weird about it. I’m not sure if likes anything besides my body.
Does that make me one of those crazy girls who is always asking for MORE? I mean, I only hung out with him ONE TIME, and now I am a complete LUNATIC thinking about him ALL THE TIME—his body in those little black briefs, the way he felt pressed up against me.
Maybe I just need to hang out with him again and see what happens. I want to, but he hasn’t really texted me to ask me out on a date or anything. Maybe I can see if Lauren can set something up so we can all go hang out together.
July 29
Today was my last day of geometry summer school!
Cam dropped me off this morning, and Lauren and Ross were waiting for me when I got done taking the test. I’m pretty sure I aced it. And if I didn’t, WHO CARES??? At least the tutoring with stupid Nathan paid off. Glad I got something out of that guy. HA HA HA!
Ross and Lauren and I drove down the beach and passed a pipe around. I asked Ross where he gets his weed because I feel like I smoke a lot of it lately. (Am I a total stoner now?) He said he gets it from Ian. Lauren said she’s going to try to get a medical marijuana card so that we can go get it legally. I’d never thought about that before.
After we were good and stoned, we decided to drive up the highway along the water. Ross rolled down the windows and Lauren turned up the music, and I let my arm drift out the window. For a second I wondered if it was a good idea for Ross to be driving around stoned, but I couldn’t worry about it for even 5 seconds. It was one of those beautiful days when the sky is so blue that you can’t believe it’s real, like you’re watching a movie of the sky. The long grass on the hills along the road was yellowed from being baked in the sun all summer. I just decided it was too beautiful out to worry about Ross, or anything else, for that matter. I told myself that driving stoned is different from driving drunk. I’ve heard about drunk driving accidents, but I’ve never heard of a stoned driving accident. Besides, the breeze off the ocean was cool and everything smelled fresh. The salt air whipping through the truck, through my hair, through my fingers seemed to carry every worry away.
Ross pulled the truck off the road into a little parking lot by one of the state beaches and led the way down a flight of railroad tie stairs onto a stretch of sandy beach at the base of a steep cliff. At one end of the beach were huge rocks and boulders that led to a small cave where we could walk through to a secluded stretch of private beach (if we ducked). When the tide was out, you could make it through. Ross said we could hang for an hour before the water got too high to walk through.
We were the only ones on the beach. Lauren pulled off her top. Ross stripped down to his boxers and they both teased me until I took off my shirt too. At first I was like HELL NO, but then Lauren rolled her eyes, and said, Oh, c’mon, it’s not like he’s checking you out or anything. She had a point, I decided.
Lauren and I sat there next to each other in our bras, staring out at the water while Ross jumped into the waves and body surfed for a little while. (OMG. Lauren’s body is CRAZY. She’s so skinny!) After a while Ross came out of the water, all dripping, and golden brown, and gorgeous. He sat down, and the three of us started talking about school. Turns out Ross and Lauren are BOTH coming to my high school! I HADN’T EVEN THOUGHT ABOUT THAT! This school year is going to be SO GREAT!
They both had lots of questions about teachers and what the kids were like and who my friends were. I was sorta embarrassed because I told them that I didn’t have many close friends and that I was really glad they were both going to be there. Lauren asked why I didn’t have a lot of friends. She seems like one of those people who makes friends really easily without even trying that hard.
I told them I didn’t know why I had a harder time making friends. I’m quieter than Cam is, I guess. I said that people seem so unpredictable to me, and that scares me. Ross laughed and said that he finds people TOTALLY predictable. I smiled and said that it really helped to smoke some pot. And also that Lauren’s cosmos helped me be less quiet.
This made Lauren giggle until there were tears running down her face, and Ross laughed too. He said the funniest thing he’d seen all summer was the moment I fell off the diving board at Blake’s house, and I started laughing too. We all lay there laughing for a long time. We’d finally get quiet, and then one of us would think about it again and start giggling all over, until finally my stomach hurt.
On the way home, Lauren and Ross took turns quizzing me about Blake, and Lauren almost made Ross run off the road while she tickled me until I gave her my phone so she could read all of the texts that Blake had sent me. Ross wanted to know if I was going to see Blake again, and I said I didn’t kno
w how to work that out. My parents would NEVER go for me dating a 20-year-old. I think that’s part of the reason that it feels so EXCITING when he texts me: It feels dangerous. Lauren is going to see if she can set up another party with Blake when I get back from vacation.
When Ross dropped me off, Lauren said she was really going to miss me while I was away. Ross said he would too. I made them promise not to have too much fun without me.
July 31
It’s so early in the morning I can barely keep my eyes open. Somehow I made it to the gate at LAX with Mom and Dad and Cam. Cam just asked me if I wanted to come with him to get coffee. I don’t like coffee that much, but maybe I can get a vanilla latte. Ugh. How come vacation feels like a chore right now?
Later …
I never realized how much people drink on airplanes. The people sitting across the aisle from me and Cam are having Bloody Marys. They’ve both had 2, and the guy just ordered another one. It’s, like, midmorning and this flight isn’t that long. They’re going to be wasted by the time we land.
I wonder what it would be like to drink on a plane?
I’ve really only drank once. I don’t count that wine cooler at the party, but now I notice it more when other people are doing it. Last night at dinner Mom and Dad each had a glass of wine. I sat there the whole time wondering what wine tastes like. I thought about sneaking a sip after dinner, but then Lauren called, and I forgot about it.
Later …
We just had lunch at a restaurant in the airport because our rental car was delayed.