by AnonYMous
EVERYONE was drinking. Except me and Cam.
Dad had a beer. Mom had a glass of chardonnay. Well, Dad convinced her to. He laughed and said, C’MON! We’re on vacation, Margaret! She acted all giggly like she was going to get caught by the wine police or something.
Cam said that it was cocktail hour SOMEWHERE in the world. Mom shot him a look and said, Well, it’s not cocktail hour for EITHER of you for at least another few years.
She. Would. Have. A. FIT. If. She. Found. Out.
Maybe I should start hiding this journal. I don’t think Mom would ever go snooping. Still … Oh! Our flight’s boarding.
Blake just texted me AGAIN:
THINK OF ME WHEN U RUB IN UR SUNSCREEN.
God. He’s such a dirty boy!!!
(I kinda LIKE IT!!!)
August 2
Mexico is AMAZING.
We drove for about 30 minutes up the coast to this little beach town. Dad rented a house on the water here. The house isn’t as nice as ours at home, but it’s RIGHT on the beach! When we got here, there were two women in the kitchen who work at the house and make food and clean everything. It’s like a hotel only the food is included and it’s a lot cheaper to just rent the house for a week.
I am sitting writing this in a little hut that is right on the beach in front of the house. It’s nicer than a hut, really. It’s just a thatched roof over beautiful tile—sort of like a gazebo, only no walls or lattice. There’s a little bar with a sink and some stools next to a grill, and big cushions on built-in benches all around the perimeter that face the water. I watched Cam head down the beach with a surfboard a few minutes ago.
It’s so strange being in a place where my phone doesn’t work at all. I didn’t realize how much I’d been texting Ross and Lauren in the past few days. Or Blake. It’s funny; when I think of him my heart races, but I’m not sure I even like him. I feel like he’s the ocean and I’ve fallen in and the waves are too big; like I’m in over my head. I’m not even sure which way is up anymore.
All I can see in front of me is water. The beach seems to go on for miles, and miles. The sound of the waves hitting the shore is loud and the rhythm makes me take deep breaths. Everything just feels slower here—more relaxed.
Except for the waves, it’s so quiet.
August 3
Today was so FUN! Dad booked this thing called a canopy tour for us and we went zip-lining through the trees. It was scary at first, but it made my heart race in a really fun way. That feeling of free falling really fast for just a few seconds always takes my breath away. It’s SO SCARY, but SO FUN. When I was on, I looked down like 5 stories and thought, AM I REALLY ABOUT TO DO THIS??? I couldn’t believe it, but I just jumped!
WWWWHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
It was SO. MUCH. FUN!!! As soon as I did it, I couldn’t wait to do it again.
Can’t wait for dinner! I’m STARVING. The food here is SO GOOD. Tonight the cooks said they were making something called ceviche that is fish and lemon juice and other stuff. I can’t wait to try it!
August 4
I fell asleep on the beach this afternoon, and I would’ve gotten SO sunburned except Mom came down to join me and woke me up just as I was starting to get a little pink. She rubbed some sunscreen into my shoulders, and then I did her back. It was actually fun to lie on the beach with her. She told me she thought Ross was really sweet. I told her about meeting Lauren at the party. At first I was worried that she was going to start grilling me, but she didn’t! She said she was really glad that I’d made a friend, and she was excited to meet her.
I also told her that Ross was gay. She just smiled and asked me how I felt about that. All of a sudden I felt really close to her, like my opinion really mattered to her. I told her that I was confused at first because he hadn’t told me right away and he was such a guy’s guy. He liked surfing and sports and drove a truck and everything. Anyway, we talked for a long time. She told me about this guy she’d dated in high school who wound up coming out when he went to college, and the story was so funny. Maybe not the story, but the way she told it. It was like we were girlfriends sharing secrets.
Dad was reading up in the little hut-gazebo thing and came down after a while of hearing us laughing. He brought Mom a margarita and me a Diet Coke. We all sat there on the beach and watched Cam riding waves. It felt so good to be there with them, to feel like I was part of something special.
We had dinner outside tonight. Dad grilled burgers in the little outdoor kitchen. We all lounged around and ate until we were stuffed as the sun set over the ocean. Mom and Dad just went for a walk down the beach together after it got dark, and Cam is up at the house watching a movie.
I’m just sitting here listening to the ocean, thinking about how lucky I am that my mom and dad are still together, and how fun this trip is. And look! No drinking or drugs required. Mom left almost a full margarita after dinner, and I thought about trying a sip of it when she and Dad left on their walk, but you know what?
I’m good.
Just like this.
Just where I am.
August 6
Back on a plane.
Back to cell phone signals!
Next stop: home.
Later …
OMG.
Like a MILLION texts popped up on my phone the minute we landed.
Okay, not a million, but a lot.
A lot were from Ross and Lauren. Most of them were from Blake. Blake sent me texts every single day. Lots of them. And every single night, he sent even more. Blake sent me a lot of texts in the middle of the night. The later the texts, the sexier they were. I was sitting next to my mom as the plane taxied to the gate, and I had to put my phone away because I didn’t want her to see any of the really sexy ones. He texted me pictures of himself. Shirtless. And more. It’s weird. I’m not really sure why guys think girls want to see that. I mean, I guess it’s one thing to feel it pressed up against me in his bathroom, but …
I dunno.
Leave something to my imagination, will you?
August 8
Mom met Lauren yesterday, and she really liked her, which is very good news for me. That means I don’t have to worry about Mom hassling me about hanging out with her. Lauren lives with her dad in this gorgeous condo near the water. I didn’t mention to Mom that Lauren’s dad is out of town a lot. He’s constantly flying back to New York. I’ve just sort of let that go because I know Mom’s rule that if I’m spending the night at a friend’s house a parent needs to be there. It’s such a lame, old-fashioned rule.
After we hung out at our house for a while, Lauren asked if I wanted to spend the night. Mom said as long as it was okay with Lauren’s dad, it was fine with her. Lauren assured her that it was fine with her dad. Lauren’s dad is in New York this weekend, so he won’t even know, but obviously we didn’t tell Mom that. The best part is that Lauren’s dad has plenty of Absolut and Lauren made us cosmos. Ross came over and we all had a couple of drinks and smoked pot out of Ross’s pipe. Ian came over too, and brought more weed because Ross was low.
It was SO FUN to be back with the gang! I couldn’t stop thinking about Blake and texted him to tell him that we were all hanging out. He texted me back FAST and said he wanted to come but he was in San Francisco playing a show with his band. Lauren smirked and asked me who I was texting, really loudly in front of everyone because she already knew, and my face got totally red and they all whistled and teased me about dating an older man.
I said, We are NOT dating.
Lauren laughed, and said, Not YET anyway. Just wait until NEXT SATURDAY!
Ian smiled, and I could tell he knew what Lauren was talking about. I asked what next Saturday was, and Lauren said, We’re going HIKING with your BOYFRIEND …
I was like, Hiking? Why are we going hiking? We’ll be all sweaty and gross! I want him to think I’m pretty, not a big sweat ball.
Lauren poured more cosmo into my glass and said that we weren’t just hiking, that there
would be a special surprise. Blake’s uncle has a ranch up the coast and there are all of these trails through the foothills and even some horses that run free on the back acres. We are going to drive up and spend the day. I am excited but a little worried about spending a whole day with Blake. At least it won’t be a hard sell for my mom. What could be more wholesome than a daytime hiking trip?
August 9
Cam can’t go hiking with us because he has to clean pools all day. He’s bummed. And I am too, a little. Blake keeps texting me about how much fun this hike is going to be. It’s weird, but I never thought of Blake as much of an outdoors guy. Maybe this has to do with the big SURPRISE that Lauren keeps talking about. It’s making me nervous. I wish she’d just tell me already, but she says that it would no longer then (by definition) be a surprise.
August 12
Lauren is spending the night so that we can get up first thing in the morning and get on the road to Blake’s place up the coast, then get on the road to his uncle’s ranch. It’s about an hour’s drive past his place, according to Lauren. I told her that we were NOT going to talk about Blake to my Mom and she gets it.
Mom is THRILLED that we are going hiking with Ian and Ross. Lauren told her that the ranch we’re going to is owned by a friend of her dad’s, which is sort of half true. I mean, technically, her dad DOES know who Blake’s dad is, and knows that the ranch is in Blake’s family. Anyway, Mom has packed us a cooler of sandwiches and cans of Diet Coke, and bottles of water, and made us promise to take lots of pictures, and call when we’re headed back.
Cam is all mopey that he can’t come. I told him he should just call in sick tomorrow, but Cam is very conscientious and says he needs the money.
August 13
Wow.
W-O-W.
I’m not even sure where to start.
When Lauren and I got to Blake’s house, Ian and Ross were already there. I guess they’d spent the night there. I’d been chattering nonstop to Lauren all the way there about how crazy nervous I was about seeing Blake again, and what if this was all in my head, and Blake didn’t really like me at all. She just rolled her eyes and said that I was very good at inventing reasons to be worried.
The minute he opened the door, Blake wrapped both arms around me and kissed me on the lips really gently. He smiled and said, Finally. Then he sort of danced me into the kitchen so he could grab some water bottles. Lauren giggled and yelled TOLD YOU as she ran upstairs to get Ross and Ian. In the kitchen, Blake leaned me up against the island and kissed me so firmly that my knees went a little bit weak, and I was glad that I was leaning against something solid. He pressed his whole body into mine, and I could smell his skin, and the body wash he must’ve used, and the product in his hair that smelled like eucalyptus.
All of the worries I’d had about him melted inside of me. It raced out of me from every direction, through a buzz under my skin that came shooting out of my fingers and toes and the hair at the top of my head. What was left after all of the doubts were gone was the sound of my heart pounding in my ears and the heat of Blake’s breath on my skin.
In that moment I just didn’t care whether he wanted to date me or not; I knew that he liked me totally and completely, and I wanted to just stay right there with him all day long, kissing in the kitchen.
When we heard Lauren and the boys coming down the stairs, he grabbed my hand and dragged me out to the driveway with him. We all piled into Ian’s SUV, then headed north up the coast to the ranch. When I took the cooler out of Lauren’s car, Ian asked me what it was, and I told him it was food and drinks for the trip. Ian laughed, and Blake said, We probably won’t need any food today, but the drinks will come in handy.
I didn’t understand what they meant right away, but once we got to the ranch and Blake jumped out to open the gate at the end of the gravel road we’d taken off of the highway, Ian turned around and said, Okay everybody! Time for the hiking surprise!
He pulled a Ziploc bag out of his pocket and handed it to Ross. We parked the SUV under a tree at the edge of a giant meadow that had a little gravelly stream running through it. The stream looked like it wound up into the hills, which were covered in tall, sun-bleached grass, yellow and waving in the breeze. The sky was bright blue and the clouds were big white billows, wafting slowly behind the mountains in the distance.
Lauren was passing around sunscreen for our faces and ears, and she helped me spread it onto the part in my hair so that I wouldn’t get burned there, either. I started wondering how long we were going to be out in the sun, and when I asked Blake, he took my hand and said, Well, it all depends on how long the surprise lasts.
Ross and Ian had everybody huddle up and hold out our hands. Ross dropped one tiny square of white paper into each of our palms, and Ian told us not to drop it because this is all that there was, and he’d been through HELL trying to get it.
I asked what it was, and Blake said, It’s LSD.
My eyes went wide as I saw Ross hand the plastic bag back to Ian, and then gently place the little square of paper on his tongue. I almost shouted, This is ACID? We’re going to take ACID?
Ross giggled and said, We’re taking a little trip today.
Blake rubbed his hand on my back and said, It’s okay. I’ll be right here.
Lauren laughed and said, C’mon! You’re going to LOVE it.
I wasn’t sure what to expect, but when I put the little square on my tongue, it tasted like … nothing. I looked at Ross for a minute, and then at Blake. I asked if something was supposed to happen.
Ian laughed, and said, Not yet. It’ll kick in after about 15 or 20 minutes. Let’s go hike!
Blake led the way down the trail along the little stream, which looked like it must have more water in it during the spring. Right now it was just a little trickle that ran over a few of the rocks at the center. We hiked along the stream for a while. Ross was running and jumping onto Ian’s back and making him give him a piggyback ride for a few feet every so often. Lauren and Blake and I were walking together, and Blake had his arm draped over my neck.
After a little while the stream dipped in between two hills and the trail led up the side of one of them. As we climbed up, I was telling Blake and Lauren all about our vacation to Mexico, and it must’ve taken a little while because I was just talking and talking, then we reached the top of the hill and I realized that I was breathing sort of fast, and when I lifted my eyes up from the path, I stopped midsentence and sucked in a huge deep breath of air. We were standing at the top of the hill and I could see the blue sky and the rolling hills of the valley below. The place where the blue sky met the yellow grass seemed miles away in the distance, dotted with bright, brilliant green trees, and when I stared out at the white clouds, they seemed to breathe in and then collapse a little, then breathe in again.
Then the green trees at the horizon begin to wriggle in this strange way, almost like they were dancing with one another. They would swirl together and reach up toward the white clouds, and then the clouds would answer back, swirling down toward the green trees, and all at once I was LAUGHING. I gasped and gulped in the air and I said, You guys, LOOK! The trees and the clouds are DANCING!
Lauren and Blake walked up on either side of me and I grabbed both of their hands and said, SEE?
We just stood there for what must’ve been an hour, or maybe it was 5 minutes? I don’t know! That’s the amazing thing about acid; you just can’t tell how much time has passed. It’s like someone has shuffled all the cards in your head, and you recognize people and places, but you can’t quite fit together how you got here, or where you are, only that you feel AMAZING, and you’re seeing these INCREDIBLE THINGS.
While we stood and watched the trees and the clouds, Ross and Ian suddenly let out a whoop and went racing down the hill through the yellow grass into the valley below, and as we followed them, I saw the yellow grass around me. I stuck out my hands as we ran and let my fingers brush through the tall thin stalks, only it felt like liqui
d running over my hands.
At the bottom of the hill we found Ian and Ross sitting next to each other on their knees in the middle of the tall grass. They had mashed down a little place in a circle, and they were sitting there, holding hands. Ian said, Look! We built a NEST.
Lauren and Blake and I saw this and laughed and laughed until the tears ran down our cheeks. I thought it was amazing and wonderful! I was going to build a nest too, but then Lauren saw a big boulder over by a tree near the stream and called us over to it. We all climbed up on top of the giant rock, and as we sat there, I saw a bee, lazy and slow, dance around, then land next to my hand. Any other time I would have yelped and tried to shoo it away, or run from it myself. But this bee seemed to be trying to tell me something. His hind end with the yellow and black stripes seemed to be wiggling in a strange rhythm, and I felt as though I was connected to this bee, that he had a message for me that only I could decipher because he spoke a language of bee dancing that only I could understand. I called Lauren over, and she watched the bee dance with me.
I just read what I wrote, and it sounds like a CRAZY person has hijacked this journal, but that’s EXACTLY WHAT IT WAS LIKE! It was like the bee and I were TALKING to each other until eventually he flew straight up into the blue, and when he did, I followed him with my eyes, and WOW! The bright blue was dripping down out of the sky and landing with big silver splats onto the grass at the top of the next hill. I told Blake that I had to go see the sky waterfall, and he giggled like a little boy. Then I jumped down off of the Bee Boulder and led the charge up the hill in front of us, chasing the shadow of a cloud up the hill.
At the top of the hill I found myself back at the stream, and just as I turned around, 2 horses came walking up the hill, and I clapped my hand over my mouth and felt shivers of pure joy shooting up and down my spine. It gave me goose bumps all over. Suddenly Blake was at my elbow, and he whispered, C’mon. Then, very slowly, he walked up to one of the horses and held out his hand. The horse snorted and eyed us, then came closer and sniffed his hand, then licked it. Blake told me I had to feel that, and so I held out my hand too. The horse was so powerful, and muscular. It looked like it could just crush us both if it wanted to, but it was kind, and gentle, and when it licked my hand, its tongue felt like warm, wet sandpaper scraping over my palm. It felt AMAZING.