by AnonYMous
The whole day was like that. I wish I could do it justice as I’m writing about it. I feel like I could use all of the words that I have in my head 100 times each and never be able to tell exactly what it was like. There were so many amazing parts: sitting on the low branch of a big sycamore tree with Blake, and holding hands and talking about the way the sky looked. Then we were just quiet, and I saw sunbeams shimmering out from the edges of a giant cloud, and I felt for sure it was God sending me a signal—a signal that everything was going to be okay; that we were all connected: me, Blake, Lauren, Ian, Ross, the bee, the trees, the horses, the grass, the hills, the whole earth, and everyone on it.
Ross and Lauren and I lay on our backs in the grass and stared up through the leaves of a tree at the blue sky, and the leaves made a canopy that would snap into a grid, then swirl and snap into a grid again. Ross said it was like we were plugged into a big computer program, and Lauren said she thought maybe the acid allowed us to see the way the whole universe really worked. Then she said that she felt so peaceful and safe, and that she loved me and Ross so much, and we said we felt the same way.
Eventually the sun started to sink in the sky, and we started to come down. We walked back to the SUV parked under the tree and sat in it for a while, talking about everything we had seen and experienced, and eating the sandwiches my mom had packed for us.
I wonder how I could possibly explain it to my mom. I mean, I know I couldn’t. But it was AMAZING! I wish that she could see it for herself, and Cam and Dad.
By the time we drove home, the sun had set, but it wasn’t quite dark yet. I was leaning against Blake in the backseat, and he just held me close and kissed my ear from time to time. My head started to hurt a little, and he told all of us that we’d probably have a headache, so to be sure to drink plenty of water and take some Advil when we got home.
I’d promised Mom that I would be back for dinner at 8 p.m., and it was almost that time when we got back to Blake’s, so I called her and told her I would be a few minutes late. She thanked me for letting her know and said she was glad I’d had a good time. Blake walked me over to Lauren’s car. He told me he’d be out of town for 6 weeks because he was going to tour the East Coast with his band. UGH! 6 WEEKS???.
They have shows at small clubs in New York, and 2 weeks of rehearsal, then some shows in Boston, then they’re going down to Florida and working their way back up to New York and Toronto. They’re playing little clubs, mainly, and opening for a couple of bigger bands. He told me that he’ll be really busy, but that when he comes back, he wants to see me.
Then he kissed me again. Maybe it was the leftover acid in my system, or just him—I couldn’t tell—but his lips on my mouth were almost electric, and I wrapped both of my arms around his neck and pulled his face into mine.
Lauren and I were quiet as we drove back toward my place, but it was a good, tired quiet. It was a comfortable quiet. The kind of quiet where neither one of you has to say anything because you can almost tell what the other one is thinking. When we pulled into my driveway, I smiled at her, and she reached over and hugged me.
I told her thank you for setting this all up.
She smiled back and said, It’s a trip I’ll always remember.
August 17
Blake leaves on tour tomorrow. I know he’s busy, but he hasn’t been texting as much. It makes me feel strange because I felt like we really had a connection last Saturday. Was it just the acid? Was it just because we were tripping? Does Blake text other girls the way he’s texting me? I know he’s always going to parties and stuff. I’d ask Lauren about it, but I sort of don’t want to know for sure. It makes me feel so sad and upset when I think about it too much. If I don’t hear from him tomorrow, maybe I’ll call him and see if he picks up.
August 18
BLAKE CALLED ME! I didn’t even have to call him. He told me he was sorry that he hadn’t texted as much ’cause he’d been rehearsing like 24/7. I told him “good luck” on the tour, and he said he didn’t need luck because all he had to do was think about kissing me, and he kicked ass on stage.
Still, 6 weeks feels like an ETERNITY. It’ll be OCTOBER when he’s back in town. Ugh. Lauren says she’s going to keep me distracted. It’s going to have to be some pretty major distraction.
August 27
I was just reading over that last entry about Blake from last week, and I was right: Gradually, over the past week his text messages have gotten further and further apart. Although he still sends me a few from time to time. It’s weird. Usually they come in the middle of the night.
ANYWAY!
Lauren has been very good about keeping me distracted! I’ve been having such a great time with her and Ross and Cam. We’ve been going to the beach a lot—trying to use up as much summer sun as we can before school starts again. Cam comes after he’s done with soccer practice or cleaning pools.
Tonight is the last Sunday night before school starts, and Mom and Dad let me have Ross and Lauren over for dinner. Ian came by too. It was funny, because I don’t think that Mom realized Ross was dating Ian for a little while. After dinner, Mom and Dad said they’d do the dishes, so Cam and I walked down to the beach with Ross, Ian, and Lauren to watch the sunset. Ross and Ian both had joints, and we passed them around and got a little stoned.
I just sat there thinking about how badly this summer started out and how AWESOME it has ended. I feel like I’ve got this great circle of friends, and for the first time in my whole life, I feel like I’m making my own decisions.
I watched the sun sink into the waves on the beach, and the colors were so bright and intense. I think pot actually makes sunsets more vibrant somehow. I mean, you’re looking at the same colors, but the colors seem to MEAN more. Does that make sense? I mean, who am I asking? My journal? HA HA HA HA HA. I think I may be a little stoned still.
So we’re sitting there and Ross put his arm around my shoulders, and I actually got a little teary-eyed. Lauren and Ian were laughing at this story Cam was telling about accidentally knocking one of his customer’s cats into their pool with the end of the net and having to fish the cat out of the pool, so they didn’t notice, but Ross did.
He asked if I was okay.
I smiled at him and nodded and said, Ross, I’m better than ever.
He smiled at me and kissed me on the cheek, and the two of us just sat there listening to our friends laugh and the waves on the beach, watching the colors in the sky as they became almost unbearably beautiful, and then, like someone had flipped a switch, the sun dropped under the horizon.
I feel like I’m not able to write it down in a way that describes it well enough. There’s no way to explain what it feels like to be high, and happy, and held by your good friend as you watch the sun set.
August 28
School starts tomorrow.
Ugh.
I’m going to be a junior.
At least Lauren and Ross and Cam will be there. Mom took the day off work today, and she took Lauren and me school shopping. I’ve decided that all clothes should have to go through a rite of passage and be tried on by Lauren first.
It’s just not FAIR. She’s SO pretty. And she has such good taste. She pulled out all of these really cute jeans that I wouldn’t have looked at twice, and FORCED me to try them on. And you know what? She was right. I looked GREAT in them. Mom is always talking about how hard it is to buy me jeans because I’m so picky. She was so relieved that I liked them that she bought three pairs in three different washes. SCORE!
Lauren and Ross are going to meet me and Cam out front in the morning so that Cam can show Lauren around and I can show Ross around. I’m so nervous, I’m not sure how I’m going to fall asleep.
Well, here goes nothing.
August 30
Well, that was one for the BOOKS.
First of all, never underestimate walking into the first day of school with the hot new guy. (Even if he’s gay.) It was like, all of a sudden people who had NEVER seen me bef
ore suddenly knew my name. Every single girl in every single one of my classes could not take her eyes off Ross. Elizabeth Archer made a beeline for us in her blue-and-gold cheerleader uniform as we walked into first period. Before Mr. Sanders had even finished taking role, she’d passed me a note that read: “Are you going out with Ross?” I almost started giggling. I mean, it’s SO predictable. But Elizabeth is sweet. I leaned over and caught her eye and shook my head with a smile. Ross almost wet his pants, he was laughing so hard after class.
The next period Elizabeth made sure to sit down on the other side of Ross. Before the bell rang, she asked him if he had a girlfriend. He whispered, I play for the other team. Elizabeth nodded with that sweet blank look that just showed she had no idea what that meant, then frowned as she looked down at her books, like she was trying to figure out which sport Ross was talking about.
We all got passes to be able to go off campus for lunch, so at 12:35, when the bell rang, Ross and I headed out front to regroup with Cam and Lauren. When we walked out the front door, they were already there, talking with a girl who had light reddish hair—sort of strawberry blond. Cam saw us and waved, and the girl turned around.
It was ASTRID.
You could’ve knocked me over with a text message. I couldn’t BELIEVE it.
All of a sudden the butterflies in my stomach were back. I remembered that at the party, where she and Nathan had materialized out of thin air, she’d said she was transferring schools, but I’d never thought about her coming HERE.
I thought I might have to throw up, but right at that second Ross leaned into me and whispered, It’ll be cool. Then he sort of propelled us over to where the three of them were standing.
I could hardly think as we all stood there deciding where to go eat. Finally, as we were walking around the corner to grab sandwiches, Lauren fell in next to me and said, Okay, what’s going on? I felt my stomach drop even more, because she could tell just from my face that something was up. She knew about the thing with Nate, but when I told her that Astrid was his girlfriend, her eyes went wide, and she whispered, WOW!
It wound up being okay, though, because at lunch Astrid and Cam were talking and Astrid mentioned that she had just broken up with her boyfriend. Ross and Lauren both shot me a look. I said, You broke up with Nate? I must’ve sounded like I thought she was crazy, because Lauren and Ross both kicked me under the table, but I DID think she was crazy. I mean who breaks up with a guy like that?
Astrid just smiled at me and said that it was too hard with their different schedules and schools. She said they were still friends and that the good part was Nate would let us know about UCLA parties. Cam jumped in and said that speaking of parties, Jason was planning a big blowout at his house on Labor Day—the last pool party of the summer.
Astrid said thanks for the invite but her parents were having friends over and she was supposed to be there. Cam made his puppy-dog eyes at her, and begged, literally begged her to come to the party. Astrid just smiled and said she’d see what she could do.
Later, when we got back to school, Astrid came to the bathroom with Lauren and me. As we were leaning in to the mirrors surveying the damage of the morning and touching things up, Astrid smiled slyly and said, I can’t wait for that Labor Day party. I asked her if she was really coming, and she said of course. Lauren just started giggling. Astrid said she couldn’t make it seem like she was TOO eager to go to the party with Cam or else he wouldn’t have to work for it. I said, So you like him? And she just put her finger to her lips and winked. When Lauren and I were walking to our lockers, she told me I couldn’t say a word; she said it was called playing hard to get and that I should pay attention because it was a necessary skill.
I asked her who in the world was trying to get me.
She raised an eyebrow and said, I think there’s a certain up-and-coming rock ’n’ roller who has been trying to get in touch with you, isn’t there?
I thought about the texts from Blake. They’d sort of petered out. I told her I hadn’t heard from him in a while. Lauren laughed and said, See? You’re playing so hard to get he’s leaving you alone. You know more about this game than you think you do.
Sometimes I think Cam is right. Girls ARE weird.
September 1
AP classes are KILLING me.
ARGH.
Luckily, Lauren and Astrid have chemistry with me, so we get to study together. They were both over tonight so that we could study for our quiz tomorrow. (What kind of sadistic teacher gives a quiz on 40 pages of reading on the FIRST FRIDAY of the school year?)
Anyway, we studied the periodic chart until our brains started to melt, and then I went downstairs to grab us all Diet Cokes. When I got back up to my room, Lauren said she thought chemistry would probably be more enjoyable with a shaker of cosmos.
Astrid asked if there would be booze at Jason’s party on Monday because she was pretty sure she was going to have to be a little buzzed to be in a swimsuit in front of Cam and Jason. Lauren laughed and said she would bring a bottle of her dad’s vodka just to be sure we could have cosmos. That girl is convinced that it’s not a party unless there are cosmos. I said I would make sure that Ross was there with enough pot to smoke us all out. Astrid smiled and said she just might be able to wear her bikini.
Lauren raised her Diet Coke can and said that she was calling for a pledge: a couple hits of weed and cosmos–only school year. And only on weekends. We all clinked cans in solidarity. Lauren said she’d seen some of the girls at her old school in New York go crazy on REAL drugs like cocaine and stuff. Astrid said that the white drug groups really scared her. I said I’d never even SEEN cocaine before we were at Blake’s that one night.
It felt good to have agreed between us that we weren’t going to become total party-heads. The girls just left, and I wanted to write this down because I feel so good about having my own group to run with. I’ve never really been that friendly with other girls before, because I could never predict whether or not they’d be friendly back. The dumb thing is that all that did was ensure that I didn’t have any friends at all.
I can’t wait for this party on Monday—but I’m also a little nervous. I always get nervous when I’m supposed to be in a bathing suit, and this is definitely a pool party at Jason’s. I wish I had Lauren’s boobs. Or was as tall and thin as Astrid. SIGH. Oh well. I’ll have to get Lauren to help me pick out what I should wear.
September 2
Thank God it’s Friday. I survived the chemistry quiz today. BARELY. It’s a good thing we all studied last night. The SUPER FUN part is that Lauren and I both decided to audition for the choir and we BOTH GOT IN! She’s an alto and I’m a soprano.
The bad news: When I came home, Mom made me help her fold laundry and dust and vacuum my room. Ugh. I HATE not having a housekeeper. Mom and Dad decided that we should Tighten Our Collective Belt and just have Maria come in to clean on special occasions, not once a week like we used to. I know that sounds bratty. I’m lucky that we can afford to have a nice house near the ocean. I guess the least I can do is clean my own room.
The good news: Cam just got home from soccer practice, and we’re going to meet Ross and Lauren for a movie up on the Promenade. He told me that he asked Astrid if she wanted to come earlier, but she hasn’t called him back or texted him one way or the other. I texted Ross to make sure that he brought some of the GREEN drug group as Astrid would call it. It will be fun to see a movie stoned! I’ve never done that before!
September 3
Last night was a bummer. Ross couldn’t get in touch with Ian until later, so he didn’t have any pot. It was still fun to hang out with everyone, but it would’ve been SO COOL to get stoned and see a movie. Oh well. It’s not like the end of my world. I got sort of upset in the moment when I found out that Ross didn’t have any, but I kept it to myself. I didn’t want to seem like THAT girl, like a big whiner who couldn’t have fun unless she had pot.
After the movie Cam went over to Jason’s beca
use they’ve got soccer practice tomorrow morning. The big homecoming game is in a few weeks. I didn’t have to be home until midnight, so Ross and I went to Lauren’s place. Her dad was there, and I met him. He’s a nice guy, but we couldn’t have cosmos then either. BUMMER.
Ross went out on the balcony to smoke a cigarette and Lauren and I went with him. While we were out there, his phone rang and it was Ian. After they talked, Ross hung up and was sort of quiet. Lauren asked him what was up, and Ross said he didn’t really want to talk about it. I asked him if everything was okay with him and Ian, and Ross just laughed and said that even if it weren’t, there were plenty of other guys. Lauren grabbed my phone to take a picture of me and Ross on the balcony, and after she did, a text message popped up while she was holding it and Lauren saw that it was from BLAKE.
She and Ross were both ON IT. They made me show them all of the texts from Blake and they were hooting and laughing so loudly that Lauren’s dad came out onto the balcony to ask if everything was okay. My face was BEET RED. I was SO embarrassed.
Ross said that he wished he had a guy as cute as Blake banging his door down. Lauren asked me why I was so embarrassed. She said that this was totally a good thing. I just told her that I didn’t know, but I always got so nervous around guys. Especially guys like Blake. The only time I’ve ever been brave around a guy was the night of my birthday with Nate, and that was a craptastic failure.