by AnonYMous
Ross and Ian joined us and Ian had gold body glitter all over his costume because he’d been jumping around in the bouncy castle with Ross. Ross pulled Cam aside and the two of them disappeared for a little while, and I KNEW that they were smoking out.
I got SO JEALOUS at that second. I mean, how can CAM be telling ME not to do drugs and smoke out and hang with these guys if he’s going to do it? I tapped Lauren on the shoulder and said, Did you see Cam and Ross just leave to go smoke out? She smiled a wicked Ring Mistress smile, then adjusted her top hat with one hand as she pressed a little chunk of Xanax into my palm with the other hand and said, One step ahead of you, sister.
I looked down at the tiny pill in my hand. I said, What about our PACT? She said, We’ve been really good! We’ve proven that we can handle it. Besides, it’s not like we’re doing coke or something.
I felt weird about it, like I wasn’t sure what would happen if I took this little pill, but the music was so loud, and we looked so good, and Lauren was laughing and dancing and telling me to C’MON!
I grinned at her and we danced over to Astrid who was refilling her sparkling water in the kitchen. Lauren scooted around a man dressed as a rapping rhinoceros and grabbed the martini shaker. She mixed us an extra-strong round of cosmos and we washed down our Xanax. Ross came around the corner with Cam. I raised an eyebrow and asked, How is the smoke this evening?
Cam was totally caught and he knew it. He looked at Ross, then back at me and said, Okay, but just a couple tokes. I don’t want you throwing up again.
I raised my cosmo glass and said, No, no. It’s fine. I don’t need to smoke pot to be cool.
Lauren and Astrid cracked up. Cam just rolled his eyes and shook his head, then Astrid led him back out to the dance floor.
Ross asked if I wanted to get stoned, but I didn’t. I realized that I was just jealous that Ross had asked Cam first, and I was pissed that Cam was trying to act like my dad or something by telling me that I should stay totally clean while he went and had fun. I told Ross that maybe I’d want to later. I remembered how NOT fun it was to throw up on the way home. My clown outfit was way too cute for that. Ross pulled me into the living room where we started dancing with two girls who were dressed as sexy cats.
Blake, Ian, and Lauren came over, then Cam and Astrid joined us. We all danced our way out by the pool, and slowly everyone in our party became covered in Ross the Lion’s gold body glitter. At some point I had put down my parasol in the kitchen, and Lauren’s top hat wound up on Blake’s head. Blake kept dancing back and forth to the kitchen with a shaker of cosmos, and Lauren kept making sure our glasses were full. Cam must’ve been on his 4th beer when Astrid checked her phone and whispered in Cam’s ear.
I don’t know what she said, but it worked. He came dancing over to talk to me. Actually, he walked like an Egyptian over to me, following Astrid, who held his hand over her shoulder. His breath was hot on my cheek and smelled like beer, but his smile was so wide, I couldn’t resist smiling back. Astrid was going to drive him back to Egypt, he said, giggling. Then he tried to get as stern as he could after 4 beers and made sure that Ian knew how important it was that I got home by 1 a.m. because that was curfew and he’d promised Mom and Dad that he’d look out for me. He turned to leave with Astrid and then pulled Ian in close and yelled over the music: Don’t make me regret this.
Lauren ran up and hugged Astrid, then kissed Cam on the nose and said she’d take good care of me. Cam rolled his eyes and said that’s what he was afraid of. Then Lauren dragged me down to the bouncy castle, and before I knew it, we’d kicked off our high heels and we were jumping around, shrieking and laughing like idiots. It made me think of when I was a little girl at the carnival down by the pier at the beach. Cam had eaten too many hot dogs and got a stomachache from jumping around too fast, but Dad had to come in and drag me out when it was time to go home. I never wanted to leave.
Lauren double-bounced me at one point, and I crashed into her, then we both collapsed and lay on our backs laughing and listening to the music. She propped up on her elbow and asked me if I thought Astrid and Cam were going to go all the way tonight. I was like, AAAUGH. He’s my BROTHER! And she giggled and tickled me between my corset and my skirt until I yelled that I was going to wet my pants if she didn’t stop. She grabbed my hand and said, Why didn’t you TELL me you had to go to the bathroom. C’MON!
We went running into the house. Blake called to us, but Lauren was on a mission. We ran up the stairs to Blake’s bedroom and closed the door. I was peeing while Lauren reapplied her lipstick, and when I stepped over to the sink, she opened the cabinet under the vanity and pulled out a mirror that had a giant pile of white powder on it. She shot me a mischievous smile and asked if I wanted a bump.
I stopped short and asked, Where’d that come from? She said Blake told her he always has a stash under the sink at parties.
I could hear the music down by the pool, but it sounded so far away, like the DJ was on the moon. I watched as Lauren used the razor blade Blake had left behind to cut lines, bigger than the ones we had done the night of homecoming. Then she picked up a little glass tube that was lying on the mirror and snorted one of the lines—half of it up each nostril. She did a little head shake that made her ringlets bounce, then turned and motioned me over.
I felt my throat get tight. It was CRAZY. I wanted to snort that line SO BADLY, but I stood there frozen. I told her I couldn’t. She laughed, and said, Of COURSE you can. Cam’s gone. Nobody will know. And it’ll make you feel DELICIOUS.
The thing was that I knew she was right. I remembered after homecoming how I’d felt like a rock star when I had my first line. I felt like I was a giant magnet and I could pull anybody to me that I wanted. Every word I said sounded hilarious, and smart, and made people love me.
And then I remembered the hot tub: Andrew’s hands on my butt, the hard edge of the hot tub digging into my back as Ryan tried to force my legs apart, and I felt like I was going to throw up. Lauren saw the look on my face and put the coke back under the sink, then ran over and hugged me. She whispered into my ear, said that it was okay. That she was so sorry that happened. That I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want to.
As we stood there, I felt her arms around me and I felt better. I started to breathe a little slower, and the memory of the terrible drip from the coke in my throat on homecoming night finally subsided.
There was a knock on the bathroom door, and we heard Blake’s voice asking if everybody was okay. Lauren pulled back and asked if I was okay. I nodded and smiled. She opened the door, and Ross and Ian and Blake pushed into the bathroom and closed the door again. Ross had his pipe and a Baggie of weed out before I could say hello, and I realized that was exactly what I wanted. Ross packed a bowl, and I took a long deep hit, and then another. Instantly I felt more calm.
Blake had brought up the martini shaker and a couple of glasses. The vodka was so cold against my lips after the smoke, and it tasted like SweeTarts. I had a big gulp, and felt the icy splash on my tongue. Lauren’s eyes were wide, and darting around. I knew she was feeling the buzz from the coke. My eyes felt a little droopy, but I wasn’t sleepy, I was relaxed. I sat down on the edge of the bathtub as Ian and Ross repacked the bowl of weed, and I felt warm strong hands on my bare shoulders. It was Blake.
His hands felt so good massaging my neck and shoulders. I closed my eyes and leaned back against him. He was standing in the tub and I felt his lips on my neck, then his breath against my ear: You look so beautiful.
When I opened my eyes, Ross was smoking the pipe, and Ian was offering Lauren a mint from a little red tin he’d opened up. She popped one in her mouth and sucked on it, then her eyes got wide and she swigged the last of her cosmo. One gulp and the mint was gone.
Ian was laughing, and Lauren playfully smacked his arm. I asked what was wrong with the mint. She said, Nothing, it just wasn’t a mint. Genius here just gave me a tab of E.
Maybe it was the pot, or Blake’s
hands working the tension out of my neck, but I guess I didn’t understand right away what she meant. Then it hit me: Ecstasy.
I sat up on the edge of the tub and looked around. Ian was still laughing, and Ross was sitting down with his back against the cabinets in the bathroom, holding the pot pipe in one hand and watching his other hand as it ran back and forth across Blake’s plush silver bath mat.
I looked at Lauren and said, They’re all on Ecstasy, aren’t they?
Lauren followed my gaze to Ross, then Ian, and then she looked at Blake and sighed, nodding. She said that it looked like everybody was rolling but me.
I knew right away that I was not going to just sit there while everybody else did Ecstasy—no matter what I had promised Cam. I stood up from the side of the tub and held out my hand to Ian, who looked at me, then down at my hand, and then smiled when he understood.
Without a word, he pulled the red tin out of his pocket and opened it.
The pills really did look a lot like mints. It was a smart way to carry them around. He plucked one out of the pile. It had a little heart stamped into it. He smiled as he dropped it into my hand and said, Enjoy the ride.
Lauren grabbed my arm as I lifted the pill toward my lips. She asked if I was sure. In response, I put the tablet on my tongue and took a long drink of my cosmo. She jumped up and squealed, THIS is why I LOVE you.
We all went back downstairs to dance, and after about 20 or 30 minutes, I was feeling hot, and a little drunk, but nothing else. I went to the kitchen and grabbed a bottle of water out of Blake’s fridge. The clock on the microwave was glowing a bright blue 11:47, and I realized at that there was no way that I was going to get home at the right time tonight.
The party had thinned out a little, and I found Lauren by the pool and pulled her into the kitchen. I told her I needed a favor. She just smiled and shook her head and said not to worry. The minute I’d swallowed that tab of E she knew we weren’t going home before 4 a.m., and she’d called Cam to tell him that I was spending the night at her place.
YES! I threw my arms over my head and spun around in a circle, and it felt like a big wave of pure happy crashed down on top of me. I almost felt like I was going to cry because I was so happy. When I looked up, Ross, Ian, and Blake were standing behind Lauren in the kitchen watching me spin around. I caught myself, and said, WHAT?
Ross handed me a grape-flavored candy lollipop and said, Feeling anything yet?
I took the sucker and unwrapped it and put it in my mouth as I thought about it and said, I don’t know. But Ross! This sucker tastes AMAZING!
They all burst out laughing, and Blake said, You’re rolling!
And it was like the minute he said that I felt another big wave of pure happiness crash over me, stronger this time. It made my knees feel weak and my jaw a little clenched—almost like I was going over the first drop on a roller coaster, and I was glad that I had the sucker in my mouth. This wave made me take a great big deep breath, and suddenly I felt a wave of heat that made my forehead a little sweaty and I took another big deep breath. The waves were coming with my breath and Lauren took my hand and said, C’mon! Let’s go outside.
As I stepped out onto the back stairs that went down to the pool, a crisp breeze came blowing off of the water and the red lights of the pool seemed to glow brighter in a flash. The grape sucker in my mouth tasted like the best thing I’d ever put on my tongue, and Lauren’s hand felt so soft in my mine. Suddenly I stopped and closed my eyes and took another deep breath as a big wave of intense feeling rolled through my body.
I felt Blake’s hands on my shoulder, and my eyes flew open. The lights in the pool flashed 100 times brighter than they had been, and as I looked up at the sliver of moon reflecting off of the ocean, my eyes wiggled back and forth really quickly for just a second, and I saw these AMAZING streamers of light flying off the moon and the lights in the pool. I felt Blake’s lips at my ear, and my whole body shivered like I was cold, but I wasn’t.
Blake whispered, This is why they call it Ecstasy.
And as he said it, I felt another wave of pure happiness wash over me, and I realized THIS is why they say you’re ROLLING. I pulled Lauren’s hand closer to me and said, It’s coming in WAVES!
I’ve always had fun dancing, but after a couple of songs, I get bored, or sweaty, or tired, and usually take a break. Dancing on E was like NOTHING I’d ever experienced. I couldn’t get my body close enough to Blake’s or to Lauren’s. Every touch felt like an electric wave of tiny tingles that spread slowly up my fingers and arms down my whole body into my legs and feet. The music sounded like something coming from inside of me. I wasn’t HEARING the music, I was FEELING the music, and we danced, and danced, and danced, until all our makeup had sweated off, and we’d kicked off our shoes, and Blake had wrapped his arms around me. I felt like I could dance all night long.
The funny thing is that writing this now, there are so many problems that I can think of. There are so many things that I feel aren’t right about me, about my life, about how I look, about how I feel, about my friends, about my family. I have so many fears, and worries, and I think too much about all of those things.
But dancing by the pool with Blake and Lauren, and Ross and Ian, I didn’t worry. At all. I wasn’t afraid. Of anything. It wasn’t that I had all the answers to all of my questions, it was that I didn’t have any questions. Everything felt like it made sense, and not just in my head, it made sense in my heart, in a way that I can’t explain. My stomach was calm and I felt a beautiful, glorious, peaceful excitement. Peaceful excitement? I sound like a CRAZY person. But that’s what it was like—that there was nothing wrong. It felt like “wrong” wasn’t even an option, as if nothing had ever been wrong, or ever COULD be wrong.
At some point, we all ended up in the jumping castle. If bouncing around had been fun BEFORE, it was AMAZING on Ecstasy. As I jumped up and down, the lights at the pool squiggled in bright plumes around me. My eyes would wiggle back and forth really fast a couple times a minute, and great big waves of happiness swept over me until I was breathless.
Finally we all collapsed in a heap in the castle and lay there talking, talking, talking. Ross talked about how glad he was that he’d met Ian, and Ian talked about how he couldn’t believe that Ross was into him, and when I looked up, he had the most beautiful smile and there were tears sliding down his cheeks. His whole face looked lit up from the inside, and his eyes almost seemed to be glowing.
I felt so happy in that moment that Ross and Ian had found each other. Lauren took my hand, and Blake pressed his body against mine on the other side and ran a hand through my hair. I said how great it was that I’d met Lauren and Ross this summer, and suddenly my eyes were filled with the happiest, warmest tears I’d ever felt. I had to take several deep breaths as I talked. Lauren had tears in her eyes too. As the drops brimmed over my eyelids and slid down my cheeks, they felt thick and warm, like syrup or glycerin, and another wave of pure joy washed over me. We all lay there for a few minutes listening to the music, and then Blake said:
Let’s go put our feet in the hot tub.
So we did.
The DJ was playing slower songs now, and people were leaving.
Somebody gave me a water bottle, and the warmth of the hot tub on my feet and legs felt like a delicious caress. Lauren and I talked and talked about how wonderful it felt, and how amazing this night was, and how we wished that Astrid and Cam were here with us. Slowly, somehow, it got quiet. The music finally faded away, and everyone left, and Lauren looked at me and smiled. She didn’t even have to say any words. It was just the two of us sitting here under the moon. And I felt so connected to her, like we’d be best friends forever.
Blake must’ve seen everyone out and paid the DJ, because he came to the back door and said, Hey you guys! C’mere.
Lauren and I got up and walked into the house, and there in the living room, Ross and Ian were lying on the shiny silver shag rug in the living room. The fibers were thin a
nd stringy, soft and smooth. I don’t really remember how it happened, but soon we were all lying on the rug. It felt SO GOOD running our hands and feet through it.
We stayed there for a long time on the rug. Blake disappeared into the kitchen and brought back ice cold cosmos for me and Lauren. I remember drinking it and thinking that my eyes hadn’t gone wiggly in a little while. And then Blake was back on the rug with me, running his hands over the long silky silver fibers, and over my skin. Then we were kissing, and I closed my eyes and felt his body pressed against mine, and it was like we were moving together and breathing together and thinking together. His tongue felt so amazing against my own, and his hands were electric on my body.
I felt his fingers unlacing the corset of my costume, and I looked around and realized that everyone else was out back in the hot tub, and it was just us. Then we’re upstairs somehow in Blake’s bedroom, and sinking, sinking, sinking down into the soft mattress. I’m naked, and Blake is naked, and he’s pressed against me so tight that it makes me gasp. His breath is on my ear and neck, and his hands are on my breasts. My arms are wrapped around him, my fingers sliding down his back and across his thighs, pulling him into me closer and closer until I feel like we have somehow merged into one another. I can’t feel where I start and he stops, and the waves of warmth and feeling roll through me and I have never felt like this before, but I never want it to stop, and then …
I wake up.
When I opened my eyes, the light was bright outside the window. I lay there for a minute before I remembered where I was. I had a terrible headache and my jaw felt sore, like I had been gritting my teeth all night. I felt so achy and I stretched my legs slowly under the covers. I felt an arm around my waist and suddenly I realized that I was in Blake’s bed. With Blake.
He ran his hand up and down my back, and whispered how beautiful my body is, and how amazing I felt last night, and in a flash I remembered: