A Cure for All Diseases

by Reginald Hill

  I was introduced with Toms usual hyperbole - which Sidney took in his stride. Unlike Ted the bart he made no particular effort to impress me - which impressed me!

  Tom of course was pressing him to stay at Kyoto - & Mary backed up the invite - while Minnie was ready to go on her knees to persuade him.

  But Sidney was adamant.

  - Im booked in at the hotel - he said - the honeymoon suite! - No - Mary - I am not married - alas. I thought I might as well see what all those healthy honeymooners will be getting for their money -

  The thought - need any help with your research Sid? - flitted across my mind.

  Then our eyes met - & it was like he could read what I was thinking - & I felt myself blushing.

  We sat on the terrace. Tom - inevitably - rhapsodized about the sea breezes - the pure air - the clarity that on a good day afforded a view all the way to Holland.

  Sid said - I never quite understand - dear Tom - why you find the prospect of even a distant view of Holland so desirable -

  As he spoke - he gave me a complicitous smile. I tried to feel defensive of Tom - but the bond of affection between them was so obvious that I realized this was only the kind of ribbing that goes on between - say - me & George - or you for that matter!

  Anyway - he drew me into the conversation - effortlessly - made me one of the family - & though Im not a natural lover of smoothies - in a bottle or in the City - I soon found myself joining Minnie as a member of the Sid Parker fan club!

  You must be thinking your little sis is seriously repressed. In Sandytown only 5 days - & already Ive let 3 men - Ted the hunk - Fran the wheelie - & Sid the smoothie - get my juices running!

  Never fear. This is fantasy football. Lousy Liam has put me off forever! Im a career girl pure & simple. Recreational romping only!

  So there we were - sitting & chatting - when I heard this odd noise - like a deer barking - & there in the doorway stood Godly Gordon - the hairy healer - coughing to attract attention!

  In the excitement of seeing Sidney - Tom had forgotten all about him - & left him in his office! Tom of course was abject with apology - dragged him onto the terrace - made him sit down - & introduced him to Sidney in terms that made him sound a cross between Gandalf & Jesus. Smooth Sid was perfectly charming - of course - but I sensed the feeling - this is one bit of my dear bros plans for Sandytowns future that I need to keep out of any prospectus I prepare for my City chums!

  Mr Godley was soon on his feet again - saying he needed to be on his way - & refusing all urgings to stay for lunch. Tom - dead keen to get him involved in the Festival of Healing - reminded him about the meeting at the Avalon.

  - I think youll be really impressed by how open minded Dr Feldenhammer is - he said - this is a great opportunity for those of us who believe in the road less travelled -

  I saw Sidneys eyes glaze over in that expression us Heywoods know so well - the one we all wear when dad says something more than usually extreme in company - & family loyalty makes us keep our faces straight.

  Mr G just looked uncertain & muttered something indeterminate - leaving Tom looking a bit downcast - but far too polite to press. I dont like seeing Tom disappointed - so when Sid said he couldnt stay for lunch either & we all went outside together - I went up to Mr G as he got on his bike - & said - I dont think I thanked you properly for the lift - it was great - I really didnt feel up to climbing the hill! -

  He looked embarrassed - of course - but I think he was pleased - so I pressed on - saying - why dont you come to the meeting at the clinic? - no harm in looking the place over - is there? Usually costs a fortune to get in a place like that - be fun to see what they make of someone who wants to heal their patients without charging a penny!

  He looked straight at me - a bit puzzled - like fun was a foreign word. Then he said - youll be there? -

  Clearly he was worried in case I was going to be sitting in a corner - making sceptical noises - & notes for my thesis.

  - perhaps for the refreshments afterward - but definitely not at the meeting - I said - patting his gauntleted hand reassuringly.

  Wow! Youd have thought Id zapped him with a cattle prodder! He shot up out of his saddle - jerked his hand away from me so sharply he almost left his gauntlet - then said - Ill see -

  & off he went - in a puff of blue smoke - definitely more Gandalf than Jesus!

  Nobody else noticed - they were too busy saying cheerio to Sidney. I went to join them - & help prise Minnie loose from his car door. His last words to me were more conventional - but hopeful too. - I hope I see you again before you go - Miss Heywood –

  I said - me too - & its Charley -

  - & why not? - he said laughing - Bye! -

  Minnie stood by my side - watching the Maz boom off down the drive. - Isnt he great? - she said - eyes ashine - if he wasnt my uncle - Id marry him! -

  Then she took my hand - & said - he liked you Charley. You could marry him & settle down in London - I could come & stay with you - all summer - & at Christmas! -

  I said - is that all? - what dull Easters wed have - She dug her nails into my palm - but not too hard - & said - but you do like him - dont you? -

  - I like his car - I said.

  This time her nails hurt - & I grabbed hold of her - & we had a wrestle - ending up rolling on the lawn - with Tom beaming down at us in delight - & Mary smiling too.

  But Marys gaze kept straying to the end of the drive - & the road to the hotel - & with this wonderful power of mind reading I seem to be developing (perhaps I caught it from Mr Godley as I sat in the sidecar!) - I guessed she was wondering whether it was some crisis of high finance that had brought Sidney to Sandytown.

  Chatting to her later - I brought up the subject of Sidney - casually! Far too loyal to criticize - & she really likes him - but it soon came out - as Id guessed - that shes bothered that Tom relies on his brother so much - financially speaking - & she feels theres a lot more under that smooth surface than she understands.

  Bit like Sandytown itself - I think. Dont know why - but Im getting the impression theres a lot more going on beneath its smooth surface than meets the eye!

  OK - youre going to remind me of the time I decided the vicar had killed his wife - & buried her in Les Turpins coffin - cos Les was only seven stone when he died & the bearers staggered as they came into the church. Then the vics wife came back from visiting her sick sister in Beverley - & it turned out one of the bearers had taken badly at the last minute - & they had to get Iggy Earnshaw out of the bar to make up the numbers - & hed drunk seven pints already!

  Cant win em all! But I was the one who spotted Mrs Inlake from the post office was having it off with the oil tanker man - before anyone else!

  So whats your next move - inspector? - you ask.

  Who knows? I may be obliged to seduce Smoothie Sid to find out whats going on . . .

  The things we psychologists do for our art.

  You take care. Seriously. & for heavens sake - when your contracts up next month - come home! I know you - cos - except in the area of blood guts & bedpans - were so alike - & just as Im finding myself ingested by Sandytown - & starting to doubt if Ill ever be able to leave - so with you & your bomb-blasted mine-strewn disease-ridden chunk of Africa.

  Difference is - nobodys trying to kill people in Sandytown!

  Much love

  Charley xxxx

  PS When I rang home last night I got George - so I asked him if he remembered Ess & Em from our ski trip. When he stopped laughing at his memory of the joke - he really should get out more! - he said yes he remembered Emil very well - in fact - gobsmacking coincidence! - hed seen him only a couple of days ago - here in Yorkshire! G was driving up to Newcastle to see some footie match - stopped for petrol near Scotch Corner & there ahead of him in the pay queue was Emil - unmistakable - same long blond hair & tash. G tapped him on the shoulder - when he got over his surprise at seeing G - they chatted for a while. Em said he was here on holiday - touring - & G scribbled d
own his name & address & said - why dont you call in at Willingden to see me? Then it was Ems turn to pay - & by the time G had paid - to his surprise Em was already getting into his car - & driving off. G thinks there was someone with him but didnt get a proper look. G was a bit hurt - you know what hes like - thinks everyones as friendly as he is - but what I think is this - suppose Ess & Em are still an item - & hes come over to see her - but she wants to keep Big Bum sweet - so theyre still meeting on the quiet? Being seen by G not much of a risk - but not one Em cares to take.

  Thats my theory anyway. OK - there she goes again - I hear you say - making up her fairy tales! But trust me - Im a psychiatrist! Love C x

  16

  FROM: charley@whiffle.com

  TO: cassie@natterjack.com

  SUBJECT: Viva Las Vegas!

  Hi!

  Yet another one hot off the press. When you lead an eventful life like mine - theres hardly time to breathe.

  I slept on the barts invite - coincidentally having an embarrassingly raunchy dream (details on application in plain brown envelope!) - which had nothing at all to do with my decision to amaze everyone by getting up early - & asking Tom if I could borrow the car. - to explore - I said.

  - good idea - he enthused - tho you will be back for the Avalon lunch do?

  - It had gone right out of my mind!

  I said - look - Im sorry - of course youll need the car to get to your meeting - & he said - no problem - Ill bike along the top road - it will do me good. After lunch - you can drive me back - so that I dont have to do myself any more good! -

  He really is a lovely man.

  I didnt mention Denham Park - cos I dont think Mary would have approved. In any case - I thought - I might change my mind.

  Young Minnie volunteered to be my expedition guide - naturally! - but I wasnt having that. Still didnt know if my intentions were honourable - or what - but I certainly didnt want my options closed down by having Min by my side - taking notes!

  She looked ready to argue her case - but Mary soon shut her up - & I promised her Id take her for another swim at the manor before Uncle Sid goes home! Self-interest - or what!

  En route to Denham Park, it occurred to me - I was being a bit arrogant thinking Teddy was going to sit around all day on the off chance I showed. Thought of not finding him home didnt bother me too much - but I didnt like the idea of being told Id been stood up by his frozen faced sister! So when I reached the Hollis's Ham site - I turned in to check if the old RR - or the Sexy Beast - was in the car park.

  Didnt get far - there was a barrier across the entrance & a little hut - presumably for the gatekeeper - but no one in it. So I got out of the car - ducked under the barrier - & began to walk toward this line of vehicles I could see parked in front of the nearest building. Id only gone a few yards when a voice called out - hoy! - you! - stop right there! - & dont bloody move! -

  I looked round to see this heavyweight guy coming out from behind a clump of gorse bushes - & heading toward me at a lumbering trot. His hands were fiddling with his fly - & I thought - oh God - Ive hit upon the mad rapist of Sandytown - better run for it girl!

  Then it dawned on me he wasnt pulling his zip down - but up! Must have been having a pee. He still looked pretty menacing - but us psychologists have got all kinds of special stratagems for defusing menace.

  I stared at him - & said - very Lady Bracknell - what kind of dog is it? -

  - eh? - he said.

  - this dog youre shouting at - what kind is it? - I said. OK - this wasnt one of the special stratagems I learned - this was just me being pissed off at being yelled at like I was a criminal!

  He caught on I was taking the piss - wasnt amused - but at least he was no longer Mad Rapist - more heavy duty Security Guard - as he said - oh yes - youll know all about the dogs - remember them from your last visit - do you? -

  It struck me now where Id seen him before - hed been the guy up the ladder cleaning the sign the day of my arrival - the one Tom had greeted out of the window.

  I said - its Ollie - isnt it? Perhaps you can tell me - Ollie - if Teddy Denham is on the site -

  That stopped him in his tracks. As Freud says - getting them by the name is almost as good as getting them by the balls. He looked from me to the car on the far side of the barrier - then suddenly he turned from Security Guard to Mr Smilie - like the Good Witch of the North had waved her wand.

  He said - you must be Miss Heywood - right? - her whos staying with Tom Parker - Miss Lee told me about thee - Im Ollie Hollis - would you like a cup of tea? -

  It was recognizing Toms car that did it - of course. In Sandytown - if youre a chum of Toms - you have to be OK.

  Two minutes later I was sitting in Ollies hut - drinking tea.

  He was full of apology. Seems theyd had trouble with animal rights protesters - so anyone seen on the site without permission gets short shrift. The main attack - Ollie explained - had happened a couple of years back - lots of damage done - pigs turned loose - lot of them never showed up again - & half the folk in this neck of the wood were eating pork till Christmas - he added with a big grin.

  - so youre head of security? - I asked.

  - I wish! - he said - could do with the salary! - No - Im just the gatekeeper -

  - sorry - I said - I thought - being called Hollis yourself - youd likely be one of the family -

  - oh aye - he said - Im a genuine Hollis - theres a few on us about - but Hog - he were my cousin - were tonly one as ever made it rich - & he werent the kind to spread it around! But shouldnt speak ill of the dead - & he always said as thered be a job for me - & he kept his word. Used to work with the pigs - but that didnt help my asthma - so Hog fixed me up here - but not security - just gatekeeper. Since them extremists started targeting us theres been a proper security guard with a couple of big German shepherds comes on at night -

  Hence the confusion about dogs. The protesters had come back the night before I arrived in Sandytown - put a ladder up at the main gate - sprayed the sign - then climbed over.

  - thats when they found out about the dogs - said Ollie gleefully - we got it on the security tape - you shouldve seen em run! - One on em made it OK - but one of the dogs got hold of tothers leg afore she managed to get over -

  - she? - I said.

  - Ay - they were wearing balaclavas - but you could tell the buggers were lasses (an interesting concept - I thought) - by the way they ran - its the broad hips tha knows - thats what made me suspicious of you -

  Ignoring the slander on my hips - I asked if theyd been caught. He said there was a car waiting for them - you could just glimpse it on the tape - & the unbitten one helped the bitten one into it - & it took off fast.

  - Jug Whitby - thats Sergeant Whitby - our local cop - he said - is on the case - so I doubt well hear much more about it -

  Self-interest made me ask about his connection with Miss Lee. As Id guessed - its his asthma. Ollie was resigned to having to make do with the usual range of palliatives for the recurring attacks - until - at Toms suggestion - he consulted Miss Lee - whod needled his troubles away! Suspect hes her star patient - so natch shed mentioned my wish to chat about how people reacted to treatment.

  I told him Id been looking for Teddy - & he said he hadnt been in today –

  & I said - sort of fishing - it didnt surprise me - Ted didnt give the impression of being a dedicated pig man - which made him laugh. But he did say Ted does show up quite a lot - even if his main concern - not unnaturally - is to keep the pong down!

  Ollie said he hardly noticed the smell now - though hed much rather the beasts were roaming loose like when he was a lad - instead of being penned inside - never seeing light of day. Says Hog Hollis would have been happy to be a trad farmer if the government - the EU - & the supermarkets - hadnt forced him to become a millionaire!

  I asked if Hog had really been et by his own pigs. - oh yes - he said cheerfully - made a lot of folk smile that - specially when they were having their breakfast ba
con - sort of poetic - bit like "On Ilkla Moor Baht'at'-

  - so what happened? - I asked.

  - dont rightly know - must have been working late - went to check something in one of the units - had a stroke - or summat - collapsed in a feeding trough - owt in theres grub for the porkers - & theyre used to getting some pretty funny stuff to eat I tell you - so by time he were found next day - he were well chewed over -

  I finished my tea - & said Id best be on my way to Denham Park. He said - this were Denham land once tha knows. Makes no odds - farmer or squire - once you start selling rather than buying Iand - thats the beginning of the end. But no need to tell you that - being a Heywood! -

  The government could save millions on electronic surveillance - if they just scattered a few hundred Yorkshire tykes around the world!

  I sniffed & said - the Denhams must have been desperate to part with land so that Hog Hollis could build a pig farm on their doorstep-

  - nay - he said grinning - werent exactly like that. Story is - way back when Daph Brereton were still Daph Brereton - big mucker of Sir Harry Denham - him being master of the hunt & her being such a keen rider - she made him an offer for this bit of Iand - letting on she were hoping to get planning permission for building houses on it. Now Sir Harry had tried to get permission himself - always strapped for cash the Denhams - & been turned down - so he reckoned this were just some daft female notion - & if she had spare cash to give away he might as well take it - so he let her have the land - at top agricultural price - even though it werent good for owt but a bit of rough grazing - & thought hed done a smart deal. Next thing he hears is that Daph & Hog has wed - & Hogs planning to expand his pig farm onto his wifes bit of land! -

  - but wouldnt they need planning permission for that? - I asked. - no problem - agricultural development - plus more pigs meant more jobs - & a bigger site meant more council tax - said Ollie - also Hog were well in with the planning chairman. So no bugger paid much attention when Sir Harry objected. Word is - he were threatening to take a horsewhip to Mrs Hollis next time she showed up at the hunt -