Standing on The Edge Of Goodbye (Treasures Of The Rockies)

by Eason, Mary

  Hours later when Matt finally settled into bed, he could almost hear Amy’s words reminding him of the truth he was desperately trying to deny.

  You’re crazy about her.

  But she only wanted to be friends. The sooner he learned to accept that boundary the better off for the both of them.

  ****

  When Kate woke the following morning it was a long time before she was able to come to terms with how she’d gotten inside her apartment from the truck.

  The alarm clock beside her bed announced the lateness of the hour. Kate didn’t have time to worry about what Matt thought about putting her to bed. She was almost an hour late for work.

  It was after seven when she unlocked the door to find several patrons waiting.

  “I’m sorry.” She apologized to them. “I overslept.”

  Kate started the coffee then went back through to the customer area. “It won’t be a minute.”

  She had just put the decaf on when Herman and Amy came in. One peek at the older woman’s expression was enough to tell her everything she needed to know.

  Kate had been very careful not to mention the trip to Denver, but the woman would have seen them leaving together. She tried to ignore Amy’s knowing chuckle.

  “You’re awfully flustered this morning. Something I should know about?”

  “No.” Kate grabbed the coffee pot and went out to fill the customers’ cups.

  The remainder of the morning came with a steady flow of customers, which made it easy to avoid Amy.

  Somehow, through the hectic day Kate finally let herself to think of Matt. He needed her faith and her friendship. She believed that God had brought her to this small town for just that reason. Whatever dreams she might be letting go of by remaining here didn’t matter. She owed Matt so much. He’d probably saved both her life and her child’s. Surely, friendship was the least that she could give him in return for that.

  Chapter Seven

  Matt was so involved in the program he’d been working on that the phone ringing on his desk didn’t register at first. Out of sheer reflex reaction, he picked it up.

  “What?” he answered while scanning through the program for errors.

  “Hello, Matt?” Kate’s hesitant voice brought his attention back to the call.

  “Kate? Oh hey, I’m sorry I didn’t realize that was you.” Matt grimaced. Lame. That sounded so lame.

  “You’re busy. Oh, Matt, I’m sorry. I’ll call you later when you’re finished. Or you call me back when you can talk—”

  “No. No, I’m not busy, not really. Just catching up on some things. I’m just working through some problems.” He tried to collect his straying thoughts. “Sorry. I’m not busy, in spite of what it sounds like. Actually, I could use the break.”

  “You’re sure?”

  “Yeah, I’m sure.” He glanced down at his watch. It was already three-quarters through the day. Her shift at the diner would have ended hours ago. “I didn’t realize it was so late.”

  “I take it you’ve been working so hard that you forgot to take a break even to eat?”

  His silence answered the question and he could almost picture her smiling.

  “What are you working on that’s so interesting?”

  Matt rarely talked about his work, but he found himself telling Kate more than he’d shared with anyone in a long time. After he told her the last in a long line of problems, he decided he’d spent the last half hour giving out details that most people would probably consider boring.

  “Sorry. I forget sometimes that to everyone else but me, this stuff is pretty dry—”

  “Are you kidding?” Kate dismissed his apology entirely. “I think it’s fascinating, definitely James Bond. I can’t even imagine doing something so creative. You have a real talent there.”

  “Yeah, well, I’m just lucky, I guess.” He liked the easy way she had of making him feel special even when he was rambling on about work. “Did you sleep okay last night?”

  Kate paused. “I don’t remember anything at all about how I got to bed. But I’m pretty sure I should be thanking you for that. I definitely owe you and I’m sorry to be such a boring companion, although I did warn you.”

  “There’s nothing boring about you, Kate.”

  She chuckled. “Thank you for the compliment, and for getting me to bed safely last night. I owe you.”

  Hearing her voice made him want to see her. “You know, I think you do—owe me that is. Can you cook?”

  Her response was another strangled laugh.

  He decided it was worth taking a chance.

  “I skipped breakfast and lunch and I’m starving. You think you could find something for a hungry person to eat?”

  Silence rocked between them as the seconds ticking by.

  “You want me to make you dinner?”

  “Well, that depends. Only if you can cook. Otherwise, you’d better let me handle it. I can be there in...” Matt was already closing out of the program as he glanced at his watch. “I can be there in twenty minutes.”

  He lowered the receiver, smiling at the sound of Kate’s frantic pleas for him not to hang up. He decided the best way to handle Kate’s hesitation was to ignore it.

  ****

  Kate was still trying to talk him out of coming when she heard the dial tone. He’d hung up without giving her a chance to refuse.

  She glanced down at her jeans and then to the black T-shirt that fell mid-thigh and decided she couldn’t possibly appear any worse.

  Good.

  She wasn’t trying to attract anyone’s attention.

  Amy and Herman had told her that she should feel free to use the diner’s kitchen whenever she wanted since the diner closed early at this time of year. Since the apartment didn't have much in the way of a kitchen, she grabbed the keys to the diner and headed out to find something to make for dinner.

  She'd just gotten the lights on and was searching through the fridge when the she heard the front door open. She turned in time to see Matt picking his way through the rows of tables. The sight of him, tall, strong, and far too handsome caused her to catch her breath. Did he really have no idea just how attractive he was or how much his presence affected her?

  He was smiling as he came close. Then he leaned in and kissed her cheek.

  “You know you never did answer my question,” he said completely at ease.

  “What question?” Kate turned back, confused.

  “Whether you can cook. Or am I going to have to prepare one of my few specialties to try and impress you?”

  Kate’s grinned at him. “Of course I can cook. And you should know that if you knew anything at all about my grandmother. She insisted on it. She was an excellent cook and she taught me everything I know. So, just what would you like?”

  “Oh, I remember all right. I would probably have starved to death a long time ago if it hadn’t have been for Rachel’s cooking.” Matt searched the contents of the fridge. He dug out a couple of steaks and the fixings for a fresh salad, held them up to her, and watched her nod.

  “You never answered my other question, either.” Matt said a little while later as he cut a piece of steak and closed his eyes in satisfaction.

  “What question? What are you talking about? I don't remember you asking me another question, Matt Stevens. ”

  “As I recall, I asked you what are your plans were for the future? Are you staying in Silver Mountain or are you going to disappear again?”

  Matt expected her to hesitate. She didn’t.

  “Oh, I’m definitely staying.”

  He let go of the breath he he’d been holding. “Oh yeah? When did you make that decision? Because I could have sworn you weren’t so sure just a little while ago.”

  She grinned at him as she sipped her water. “Just now. I’ve just now decided you really need my help. You, Matt Stevens, need me desperately. It’s just lucky for you that I came along when I did.”

  Her confidence startled him. She'
d grown since moving to Silver Mountain. She wasn't the same frightened woman he'd first met.

  “You think so, do you?”

  Kate nodded.

  She was right about one thing. He desperately needed her. He had been hanging onto life by the smallest of threads. Teetering somewhere between living again and merely existing. He’d unconsciously taken a step forward out of the past when he met her. She might not ever convince him to believe in God again, but he was willing to let Kate do anything she wanted as long as it wasn’t leaving him.

  Because he wanted to live again.

  Chapter Eight

  “How can you not like to ski? You live in Colorado.” Kate’s question struck him as far funnier than it would have coming at any other hour besides three in the morning.

  He hadn’t wanted to admit to her that he was still awake, but when he’d answered the phone after the first ring, she’d guessed.

  Now, sitting in front of the fire in his office, lights out, computer off and nothing but the sound of Kate’s sweet soft voice coming through the line he was three quarters of the way asleep when she’d asked that oddly hilarious question.

  He'd discovered Kate was wide-awake and had been since she’d been awakened from sleep by a bad dream. She hadn’t realized just how late it was until after she’d dialed his number. He liked the fact that he'd been the first one she thought about calling.

  Matt tried to stop laughing long enough to answer. “Spoken like a truly obnoxious Texan. It’s not that I don’t like to ski—I do. Or at least I did until I broke my leg when I was seventeen. After that, I kind of avoided it. What about you, wise guy? You like to ski, or are you all tough talk?”

  A loud crunching sound was his answer.

  “What was that?” he asked.

  “Chips. Sorry, but I’m hungry and yes, I love to ski, thank you very much. Grandma Rachel taught me when I was barely old enough to walk. You should let me take you out some time. I’ll make sure you don’t fall and hurt yourself.” He heard her laugh.

  “You realize it’s almost four in the morning, right? How can you be hungry at four in the morning? And, no, thanks. I’ll take your word for it. Besides, I think you’re making that part up about your grandmother. I just can’t picture Rachel on skis.”

  “Shows what you know. She was an excellent skier and if I’m awake, I’m hungry. It comes with the territory.”

  Matt made a noncommittal noise, drifting a little closer to sleep.

  “I’m hanging up now before you start snoring in my ear. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

  “Are you sure you’re okay now? Can you go back to sleep, or do you want me to come over? I can be there in twenty minutes.” He yawned and heard her laugh again.

  “No, I’m fine now, really. Thanks for being there. Get some sleep.” She blew a kiss into the receiver before hanging up, and Matt closed his eyes again, but this time it had nothing to do with sleepiness.

  The soft sound of Kate’s kiss against his ear did terrible things to self-control.

  Thank God, she had no clue what he was thinking most of the time. He wasn't sure how much longer he'd be able to keep up the front of just wanting friendship when every fiber inside of him wanted so much more.

  Matt stretched and decided sleep wasn’t even a possibility. He put on a pot of coffee and waited for it to pour though. He kept thinking about Kate and the insane idea that had been popping into his thoughts a lot lately.

  Marriage.

  He was going out of his mind. He’d been alone too long. He didn’t like the thought of losing her. All good excuses for why he was thinking so hard about marriage. Still, he wondered what Kate’s reaction would be if he was ever foolish enough to pop the question. Would she see beyond all his well-rehearsed reasons why it was a good idea and finally know the truth? He couldn’t answer any of those questions yet, and until he could, he’d have to keep all of those crazy ideas to himself.

  Still it didn’t hurt to think about it.

  ****

  Matt was still sitting at his desk, eyes closed, his third cup of coffee sitting untouched. He was actually considering how to convince Kate to accept his marriage proposition when Denny called.

  “So, have you heard the latest?”

  “What latest? What are you talking about?” Matt forced his heavy eyes open. “Why are you calling so early, anyway?”

  “Someone’s in a good mood this morning. I’m on my way back to Silver Mountain, just coming in from Denver. Anyway, back to the latest.”

  Matt wondered how they’d sunk to this point. Denny was worse than any old woman when it came to gossip. He absolutely loved it.

  “Okay, let’s have it. I have a feeling I’m not going to like it.”

  He heard Denny snicker. “Guess who the latest rumor mill has as the father of Kate’s baby?”

  It took longer than it should have to register. “Oh no.” Matt ground out through clenched teeth. He wasn’t surprised really. They’d been spending so much time together. But didn’t people have better things to do with their life than spread ridiculous gossip? He wondered if Kate knew.

  “Gee, Denny, can’t people find other things to talk about?”

  “You're kidding, right? You and Kate are probably the hottest topic around right now. Not that anyone who really knows the two of you would believe it, but still, I thought you should know what some of the less Christian population are saying.”

  “Go home, Denny. It doesn’t matter to me one little bit what people say about me. I just wish they’d leave Kate out of it.”

  ****

  The following Sunday morning he was careful not to sit too close or give the impression there was anything but friendship between them. If Kate noticed his newfound anxiety, she didn’t say anything about it.

  Throughout the service, Matt tried to ignore the usual guilt that plagued him. He’d continued to attend each week, but he did it for all the wrong reasons.

  The woman sitting beside him wanted to bring him back, but he’d shut his heart away from that possibility a long time ago. There was no coming back to what one didn’t believe in the first place.

  “Will you show me Sammy’s grave?” Her gentle question cut through his thoughts. The service had ended and he hadn’t heard a single word.

  They were the only two people still left in the sanctuary. How long had he been sitting there?

  Kate reached for his hand. All of her compassion was focused on him.

  Matt nodded silently and they walked together across frozen ground to the gates of the cemetery. He could have found the way to the tiny headstone with his eyes shut. Yet seeing his son’s grave now, he felt nothing.

  Kate knelt in front of Sammy’s headstone, her fingers touching it gently. Something in her sincerity made him want to tell her what he’d never shared with another soul, not even Rachel, about that terrible night.

  He spoke softly startling her, his voice devoid of all emotion. “The night Sammy died Caroline told me she wasn’t sure he was my son.” He focused on Kate's expression. She was shocked by his admission. He nodded bitterly.

  “The night she left I told you we’d had a terrible argument, but I didn’t tell you everything. She was hurt when I told her I wanted a divorce. She threw her affair in my face and told me she wasn’t even sure I was Sammy’s father. I think I could have killed her that night, Kate. You can’t imagine how bad I wanted her gone. At that moment, I wanted nothing more than to wipe the triumphant expression off her face. I heard a sound behind me. I never saw him, but I know Sammy heard us arguing. He came to see why. He overheard the terrible things we said to each other in anger. I should have gone after him. Dear God, you have no idea how many times I wish I had. I should have tried to explain what was happening, tried to comfort him but instead, I got drunk.”

  “Oh, Matt.” Kate rose to her feet and laid her hand gently on his arm.

  “I didn’t believe her, of course. She was only trying to hurt me the same way I’d
hurt her. But you know it didn’t matter. Even if what she told me were true, it still wouldn’t have mattered. Sammy was my son and no DNA test could ever change how much I loved him. I just wish...”

  “Of course he's your son. Even I can see that. He's the spitting image of you. You both said things you probably didn’t mean. You were hurting.”

  He looked into her sad face. “That’s true enough. I just wish I could take back my part in what happened that night. If only she hadn’t run away like that, if she’d only waited until morning. We could have talked through the hurt and she might have seen that our marriage was doomed from the beginning. We just weren’t right for each other.”

  He shook his head. He had so many regrets about that night. "I wish I'd handled things differently.”

  “It wouldn’t have mattered. Don’t you see? Nothing you could have done differently would have changed the outcome of things. It wasn’t your fault.”

  He couldn’t keep the bitterness inside any longer at her innocent words. “Wasn’t it? I'd say it was all my fault.”

  “No it wasn't, ” Kate insisted. “Someday you’ll see that.” She turned back to Sammy’s headstone. “He’s with God. He’s happy and healthy and waiting for you there.”

  Matt wished he could believe her. “Do you want to visit Rachel’s grave?”

  Kate shook her head and reached for his hand. “No, I’ve had enough sadness for one day. I’ll see my grandmother just as you’ll see Sammy again some day. Until then I want to remember her the way she was the last time we were together. Happy.”

  ****

  Matt unlocked the door to the small single story cabin that Rachel Bowers had rented from him for two years. He hadn’t removed any of Rachel’s personal possessions after her death. He’d been hoping that one day he’d find her granddaughter and return them to her. Rachel had kept very few pieces of her own furniture once her house sold. Only the things she most treasured.