by Regan Ure
My legs wrapped around him, needing him to join us together. My arms slid around his neck as he kissed me.
"Please," broke from my lips. I hated that I felt so out of control with him. Then there was that familiar fear that gripped me from the inside. It made me retreat just as my body began to tremble.
My breathing hitched as he slid into me. My legs tightened around him, needing more.
Our bodies beading sweat, we moved together with only one goal in mind: a physical release.
I gasped and groaned at every thrust. Inside, the darkness beckoned me, offering me safety from the shame I began to feel intermingled with the need for an orgasm. I squeezed my eyes closed as my breath echoed in my ears. Slowly I lost touch with the reality of what was happening around me. I couldn't feel his touch or kisses. In a place no one could find me, I was safe. My body tightened just before I came. His pace quickened, harder, before he stilled and groaned as he released into me.
For a moment I held him, feeling empty inside.
Chapter Nine
I lay in my bed, feeling emotionally raw. Still breathing hard, I glanced at Slater beside me in my bed, still trying to catch his breath, when the panic started to set in. It wasn't the emotional meltdown I had experienced the previous time but it still made my heart stutter. I clasped the sheet to my chest, feeling vulnerable at being naked beside Slater.
He shifted slightly onto his side to look at me. His gaze on me made me feel open to him despite the thin cotton sheet that covered me. The color of his eyes was lighter than usual. The darkness was gone. I unclasped the sheets, trying to hide my true emotions.
Most guys I had slept with had been too concerned about their own physical gratification to notice my detachment.
This was just sex, I told myself. Get a grip. Don't make a big deal out of it.
The last thing I wanted was for him to see how much he'd affected me. If he really knew what I was feeling he would run and never look back.
"That was amazing," he said with a husky voice as his eyes caught mine.
"It was great," I said, trying to figure what I was going to say next as I bit down on my lip.
The bed dipped slightly as he climbed out. I watched as he disappeared into the bathroom. The sight of his male body with defined muscles made it hard to concentrate on anything else but him. I had a momentary reprieve from my emotions to just feel the physical awareness of him. The array of tattoos that swirled against his skin to make up his tattoo sleeve was one of the hottest things I'd ever seen.
I rubbed my eyebrow slightly, trying to think past the lust he pulled from me. It was hard to concentrate on anything when he was around.
A few moments later he returned. I expected him to get dressed and leave but instead he got back in bed, beside me. He pulled the sheet over him as he lay facing me on his side, but I wasn't prepared for this intimacy. It was finished and I needed distance from him. I could tell him I wanted him to leave before anyone got home and saw us together. Things had happened and now I didn't know how to be around him.
The brush of his fingers sent tiny shivers through my skin.
"I'm not sure..." I managed to say before he stopped the soft motion of his hand.
"What's wrong, Jordan?" he asked with a slight crease in his forehead.
"It's just, this thing has happened between us and I think it's best you leave..." The intensity of his gaze made me feel nervous as I tried to swallow. "I don't really know how to explain this to someone who might see you here."
He had the ability to make me feel like a nervous virgin who'd just experienced sex for the first time. It was unsettling.
"So what is this thing?" he asked, obviously not in a hurry to leave, which confused me even more.
"I don't know. Sex." I didn't know what was wrong with me. I'd had a one-night stand before but what we had just shared I struggled to fit into that category.
"Yes, it's sex. We are both consenting adults who don't have to justify our actions to anyone." And there was the bad boy in him who didn't care what people thought.
He shifted away from me and got off the bed again. Gloriously naked and uncaring, he pulled his boxers on before finding his jeans under my discarded shirt.
His reaction was unexpected. I pulled the sheet to cover my nakedness as I sat up, watching him pull his shirt over his head.
"I won't play games and I'm not going to tiptoe or hide this." He swept his hand in my direction. "I don't want to be your dirty secret. You're either in it for what it is or you can find someone else to scratch your itch."
He was angry. I frowned. That wasn't the reason I didn't want anyone to find out. As he adjusted his clothes, I felt that familiar vulnerability that I seemed to experience only when he was around. This was about my feelings for him and what that would mean to me if I had to admit to the people closest to me that I had been unable to resist him. The guaranteed heartbreak from one who had already rejected me once before.
This was a physical act to him to relieve some sexual tension. But for me, having to fight so hard to keep my emotions out of this, I was feeling that no matter how hard I tried there would be no way to survive him.
Already my instinct screamed for me to stop this dangerous path I was on. I felt like a train hurtling toward an unmovable object, about to crash and unable to stop it from happening.
At a loss for words, I remained quiet. He gave me one last look.
"Call me when you're prepared to do this the adult way."
He left before I could say anything.
Well, that hadn't ended the way I had expected. Granted he had left, but I hadn't expected him to get angry with me because I didn't want to tell our friends what we were doing.
I extended my hand and rested it in the space he'd just moments ago occupied. There was still some warmth from his body on the thin fabric.
Even I knew he was different from any other guy I had slept with. With the others, I'd been able to keep an emotional distance that didn't seem possible with Slater. When I thought about the closeness we had just shared, I clutched the sheet. I could still feel his touch on my skin.
As the sheet cooled, losing the reminder of his presence, I released the fabric and leaned against the headboard. He was right. We were both old enough to make our own decisions, so why was I so hesitant to tell my friends I was going to have meaningless sex with Slater?
Then I realized why. It felt like I was standing in quicksand with only my foot submerged and slowly sinking. If I moved now I would avoid getting sucked in further. The truth was I didn't want to move, and if Taylor or Matthew found out they would try to talk me out of this. I was afraid they would succeed.
Whatever this was with Slater, I had to see it through even if it scared me. I had already tried resisting and it hadn't worked. I lifted my fingertips to my mouth. I could still feel his lips against mine, his hands on my body taking me closer to the release we'd just shared. My stomach fluttered at the memory.
Sex with Slater was beyond anything I had experienced before, which made him even more dangerous.
Even my ability to drift into my safe place when our physical closeness had become too intense had not protected me fully. Trying to distance myself from the intimacy of sharing my body with another, I'd used the familiar coping mechanism to deal with it. Before, it had worked well, but something had been touched by Slater that no one had before.
Had I blown it already with him? We'd just begun and I didn't want to stop. But how did I go about fixing it? Walking away wasn't an option for me. Physically I wanted more. One night was never going to be enough with Slater. I knew the risks and it could be the biggest mistake I ever made.
Telling my friends would be hard and I would have to deal with the lectures. I could just picture Matthew with a disapproving look, listing all of the reasons to steer clear of Slater—and there would be plenty. And the fact he'd rejected and hurt me once before would be a taste of what lay ahead.
Taylor woul
d probably be more diplomatic with her approach. She cared for Slater and she had seen a side to him that most didn't see, but that wouldn't be enough for her to give her blessing.
But like Slater had reminded me, I didn't need anyone's permission. We were the only ones who needed to decide if we wanted this.
Slater wanted this. And, God help me, so did I.
I didn't want to waste any time so I sat Taylor down the next day.
"What do you want to talk about?" she asked with curiosity.
"It's Slater," I admitted.
She frowned at me.
"I know what you're going to say but I know exactly what I'm getting myself into."
"Do you really?" she asked me, looking doubtful.
"Yes." I nodded. I wasn't looking for anything more than sex with Slater. He had already told me he was incapable of giving me any more than that. "It's not dating or a relationship."
Having this conversation with Taylor felt weird. Not so long ago, she'd been in my shoes, determined to keep what was going on with Sin just a purely physical thing. But they were different. They weren't Slater and me. There would be no happy ending for us. It would just be amazing sex.
"If this was anyone but Slater I would say go for it, but I've seen him hurt you before."
"I know, but this time it's different. This time we know it's just sex."
She gave a hollow laugh. "You know what happened when Sin and I tried that?"
I smiled. "Yeah, I know." I tucked a stray piece of hair behind my ear.
"You can make your own decisions. I just don't want you to get hurt again."
She leaned forward and gave me a hug. I hugged her back. We'd become close friends so fast it was hard to believe I'd only known her for a few months.
"I have a favor to ask you?" she said when our hug ended.
"Sure."
"I need you to help me move."
It was a shock. My mouth dropped open slightly as my mind raced ahead to make sense of what she was saying.
"You're moving?"
She nodded as her smile widened.
"Where?"
"Sin."
"That's great news." I hugged her again. They'd come a long way and it was nice to see them continue their journey together, growing closer than I had ever thought possible. Sin living with a girl was mind-blowing.
"Has he bought the new place already?" I asked. I knew he'd been selling the house he shared with Slater but I hadn't heard anything more about it.
She nodded. "He has sold the house and he's moving into the new place tomorrow."
That had been quick.
"What about this apartment?" I didn't mind moving back into the dorm.
"Connor insists you continue to stay here."
I wasn't sure how I felt about that.
"Don't even think about it," she warned, seeing my hesitant response. "You know what he's like. If you refuse, he'll be offended."
There were times I wished I had a brother like Connor. He cared about Taylor so much and did everything he could to help her. Granted he had been a bit over-protective but his heart was in the right place.
"I'll talk to him about it," I insisted. I didn't want him to feel obligated to continue renting the apartment just for me.
She pressed her lips together for a moment. "Okay."
"I'm so excited for you," I said, grasping her hands in mine.
"I have other news." Her smiled dropped a little. "Eric pled guilty."
I felt my eyes sting as an emotion of relief for my friend swept over me. After everything he had put her through, the looming trial had been stressing her out.
"That's great." I hugged her again as I felt a tear slide down my face. Her ordeal had been brutal and having to relive it had given her sleepless nights.
I continued to hug her. When she pulled away, her eyes were glistening like mine.
"How?" I asked, wiping the moisture from my cheeks as she did the same.
"I think Sin had a hand in it."
I liked him even more, even when I didn't think it was possible.
"What about Matt?" Would he still be required now that there was no chance Eric would get out?
"I don't want him to go but he'll be leaving soon."
I felt a little shaken. So much was changing so quickly and I didn't have much time to take it all in. I was going to miss them both.
"I'm happy to be moving in with Sin but I'm going to miss you and Matt."
"Aww, me too. We'll have to arrange girls' nights out."
Life was moving and changing. Somehow I was feeling left behind.
"You got time to help me pack?" she asked, looking more excited than I'd seen her in a while.
"Sure."
And with that any thoughts of Slater and our arrangement was on hold.
I spent most of Saturday helping Taylor pack her things. That evening I heard Taylor taking a call from her brother.
"Don't, Connor," I heard her say. "This isn't a mistake, and no, I'm not rushing into things."
I didn't have to hear his side of the conversation to know he was trying to talk her out of her decision to move in with Sin. To anyone who didn't really know them or the events over the past few weeks, they would agree it was too much too soon. But Taylor had nearly died, and I had seen how it had nearly destroyed Sin.
When something like that happens you realize how fragile life is and not to take things for granted. That was why they weren't wasting time.
I closed a box before I felt a tap on my shoulder.
"Here," Taylor said, "he wants to talk to you."
I took her phone.
"Hi, Connor," I said, feeling slightly nervous at what he wanted to talk to me about. He was a force to be reckoned with. He'd been intimidating the first time I'd met him, but our shared time together when Taylor had been kidnapped had allowed us to form a friendship. Although, at times it felt like that entitled him to tell me what to do.
"Hi, Jordan," he said. "Taylor tells me you have concerns about staying in the apartment?"
"It's just that I don't want you to keep renting the apartment just for me. I can move back into the dorm." My hands tightened around the phone.
"You'll do no such thing. I want you to stay in the apartment."
"Can I at least pay you something toward the rent?" I didn't have much, but I didn't want to be seen as sponging off him longer than I already had.
"Absolutely not. The dorm isn't safe. You're safer in the apartment. Consider it a way of lessening my stress levels. I won't worry so much if I know you're staying there."
It was just like him to feel the need to protect me like he always wanted to do with Taylor.
"I'm not your responsibility," I tried to remind him. Despite everything that had happened it didn't make him my family or anything like that.
"Don't, Jordan," he said in a resigned tone. "Just do as I ask."
There were only a couple moments of silence before I relented. "Fine."
The apartment was nicer than the dorm so I let it go. It wouldn't be indefinite and when the time came I would move back into the dorm. Connor would just have to accept it.
"How are things?" he asked.
There was no way I was going to tell him about Slater. He, along with the rest of my friends, had seen the hurt he'd inflicted once before.
"Good. And you?"
"Busy."
He was a workaholic and didn't seem to find time for anything else. But he wasn't a robot. He was human like the rest of us and needed some sort of companionship.
"How's the dating going?" I teased, knowing he didn't.
He laughed.
"Same as usual," he said, brushing it off. He wasn't revealing anything. I heard what sounded like another phone start ringing in the background.
"I have to go. Call me if you need anything." And then he ended the call.
"Have I told you how much I appreciate you taking some of his concentration off me? Now he has two of us to worry ab
out," Taylor teased as I handed her phone back to her.
I smiled and shook my head at her.
It was late by the time we finished packing her stuff. I was tired and stiff when I made it into my bed, but for some reason I didn't fall asleep right away. I lay in bed for a while thinking about Slater. He would probably be at the new place tomorrow and I wondered what I was going to say to him.
Just the thought of him sent a range of flutters through my stomach, then it burned when I thought of his lips against mine, his hands caressing my body. With those warm and lustful thoughts, I finally drifted off to sleep, determined to sort everything out with Slater the next day.
Chapter Ten
I knew Matthew was going to be harder to convince than Taylor when I decided to broach the subject of Slater.
"Really?" Matthew asked, sitting at the kitchen table across from me with a hot, steaming cup of coffee in his hands.
"Yes." I nodded my head.
He studied me for a moment.
"He's hurt you before," he began his lecture. "And the odds are it will happen again."
Yeah, but knowing it was a very real possibility did nothing to deter me from my plan to have hot sex with Slater.
"Try not to let that happen this time around."
I nodded. "I know what I'm getting myself into."
"I hope so." He looked skeptical.
I was kind of relieved he hadn't been harder on me. The fact was I didn't need his approval but it made things easier if I wasn't in for disapproving looks when Slater was around.
Taylor smothered a yawn as she entered the kitchen.
"Good morning," I said to her, feeling chirpy despite getting to bed late and feeling like I hadn't slept enough.
"Coffee," she commanded, and Matthew smiled as he got up to make her a cup.
She took his seat and watched.
"This is officially your last cup of coffee from me," he told her when he placed it in front of her.
She took a deep sip and savored it. "I'm going to miss your coffee, boy."
Matthew laughed. "Is that all I am to you?" he asked, indignant.
She smiled as she stood up and hugged him.