Surviving Slater

by Regan Ure

  He was a sneaky genius, and I smiled.

  "So all we need is some DNA from Slater and I get it done in a week."

  It wouldn't be hard. I felt a pang of guilt for going behind Slater's back but I reasoned with myself: Wasn't it better to be absolutely sure than risk telling him and then finding out she wasn't his sister?

  The DNA test would give us the conclusive evidence to be able to confront her if it came back that she was who we suspected she was.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  I wrestled with the guilt of my deception. I got back and Slater had no idea I had been to New York. He hadn't been suspicious at all, he had trusted me and that made me feel even worse for lying to him. He believed I had been to visit my mother.

  It took me a week to get some strands of his hair, and I mailed it off to Connor. I didn't need a DNA match to know that Riley Evans was Slater's dead sister, but I kept telling myself I needed the confirmation before I could tell him. But the truth was I was using every excuse possible to delay the inevitable. I would tell Slater about his sister and I would have to admit I had dug into his past behind his back.

  No matter how I looked at it or how much I reasoned, I knew once he found out he would walk away. Our fledgling relationship wouldn't withstand the knock, and it would be over.

  Every day that I walked around knowing Slater's nightmares were for nothing and that with one sentence I could fix it made it harder to function. My guilt grew and the inevitable heartache killed a little bit inside of me every day.

  I thought I was keeping up the facade but Slater wasn't fooled.

  "What's wrong?" he asked, tucking a piece of my hair behind my ear. My heart inflated with hope at the affectionate action. It was on the tip of my tongue but I couldn't bring myself to say it. We were watching movies at my place for a change because Levi was away for the weekend.

  I shrugged instead. "It's been a busy week at school."

  "I'm worried about you. Since you got back from visiting your mother you haven't been the same. Did something happen?" he asked, angling toward me on the sofa.

  He had noticed right away, which meant my acting skills were rubbish.

  "No," I said, feeling the nervousness tug inside my stomach. What if he didn't believe me?

  His eyes narrowed as he continued to study me. "I feel like I'm losing you."

  "No," I assured him, taking his face into my hands. "I don't want to be anywhere but right here with you."

  I pressed a kiss to his lips before dropping my hands. I stood up and began to pace, feeling like the walls were closing in on me.

  "Then what is it?" he asked, watching me, not entirely convinced.

  Even though I knew the end was on the horizon, I wanted to reveal how much I felt about him. Seeing his vulnerability pushed me forward.

  "I have never felt about anyone the way I feel about you," I told him as I stopped pacing. I was taking the step to tell him how deep my feelings went for him and I risked that it could backfire. It could be too much too soon for him but I was running out of time anyway.

  I put my hand to my temple as I took in an emotional breath before exhaling. Slater stood up, looking more concerned. The end of our relationship was in sight, and I needed him to know how much he meant to me, while I could still tell him. I had to let him know before he found out about Shannon.

  It was selfish, I knew, but I couldn't help myself.

  "Just tell me," he said softly. His eyes implored me.

  I swallowed.

  "The thing is…I love you," I blurted out. His eyes widened slightly, and I looked at him, hopeful he wasn't going to make a dash out of the room.

  "Really?" he asked, sounding surprised. It wasn't exactly the response I had dreamed of but he hadn't started running yet. That was something, at least.

  I nodded.

  He took a step back and I felt the first punch of rejection. It was harder to breathe as I tried to recover. I was right, he wasn't ready for what I had just told him.

  "I know we haven't been together for long but I can't help how I feel about you," I said. He looked at me, still seeming a little dazed at my revelation.

  One second of silence became two and time stretched on. I shifted slightly, waiting for him to respond in some way to what I had told him.

  He raked a hand through his hair. In love stories, the guy would profess his undying love, but instead mine looked like he was struggling with what I had said.

  "I care about you," he said, and I felt my world shift beneath me, leaving me unsteady on my feet. "More than I have for any girl."

  But it wouldn't be enough.

  My throat thickened with emotion but I refused to give in and allow myself to reveal how hurt I felt.

  "But this is too much." And the reality was, the guy I loved wasn't ready.

  "I need space," he said before grabbing his jacket and leaving me standing there, vulnerable, unsure and hurt in the living room of my apartment.

  The door slammed shut, echoing through the room. Dazed as the pain struck, I slumped down onto the sofa, finally giving in to my heartache. I stared off into the distance feeling like I was numb despite the fact that I was silently crying.

  I had truly believed that it would be finding out I had Connor check into his past that would be the thing that broke us apart—not me telling him how I felt about him.

  It hurt that I wasn't enough for him to at least try. It wasn't like I needed him to say the words back to me. I knew he cared about me and he showed me that every day.

  All I had needed was for him to stay.

  * * *

  For two days I lived in my bubble of heartbreak without a single word from Slater. I didn't contact him. I honestly didn't know what to say.

  I was sure there wasn't a standard message to send to the guy who had run at the first sign I had strong feelings for him. Maybe if I had said anything other than "love" it would have been okay. But what was done was done and there was no way to take it back.

  My only consolation was I had been honest with myself, but it didn't ease the pain or make me feel any better.

  Slater was emotionally scarred and maybe he would never be ready to love someone or handle being loved. It was hard to digest but I had to. I couldn't make him love me.

  It hurt. Like a knife that sliced my heart in two. It was a constant pain that didn't ease no matter what I did. I didn't have an appetite and I couldn't eat. Sleeping was out of the question too.

  The couple of times I had dozed off I had awoken a couple of hours later drenched in sweat, fearful. My agony relayed in my nightmares, so vividly it had felt like I was being rejected over and over again. I couldn't take it anymore.

  I was thankful Levi was away and I didn't have to hide in my room or pretend everything was okay when I felt like my life was falling apart.

  * * *

  On Sunday, I stood by the window looking at the view. The wind blew the trees. It was surreal and reminded me, despite the pain I felt, life went on. It didn't stand still because my heart had been broken. The sadness I felt was slowly replaced by a resignation that whatever I had shared with Slater was finished.

  I accepted that I had tried but we both had to be ready for this relationship to work. While I had been in the right place, Slater obviously hadn't.

  He had been there for me when I had needed someone. He had listened when I had needed to finally share my secret. I had no idea if I would have coped without him, and I was grateful. I didn't want to believe he hadn't served some sort of purpose in my life.

  Every time I closed my eyes I heard his words vibrate through me. "I need space." I was going to give him what he wanted. I was going to let him go.

  * * *

  Two days later, Connor called me with the confirmation that, despite her attempt to dissuade us, Riley Evans was Shannon Graves, Slater's biological sister.

  I was a coward. I hugged the covers tighter, refusing to face the outside world. Instead of doing the right thing a
nd telling Slater about his sister, I had left without a word to hide out by my mom.

  Levi and Taylor had been calling but I hadn't answered. It was difficult to deal with the fact that Slater and I had failed. I wasn't ready to tell anyone yet.

  First I needed to find a way to make it through this and find a way to carry on without him.

  "How are you, darling?" my mother asked through my locked bedroom door.

  I didn't answer.

  She was concerned. I had shown up without prior warning, in tears and unable to speak. I hadn't given her an explanation. All I had told her was I needed time alone.

  "What happened?" she asked, the worry clear in her voice.

  I squeezed my eyes shut, wishing I could forget about the memory of Slater walking out on me after I had opened up to him. My heart felt like it had been trampled on and it needed to heal.

  "I'm not ready to talk about it," I told her, turning over onto my side, putting my back to the door.

  I wanted to stay right where I was, not having to face anyone or explain why I was acting the way I was.

  There was no one to blame but myself. From the start, there had been something different about him. Just remembering his sexy smile was enough to tear the wounds on my heart back open.

  Later that day I dragged myself out of bed, still heartbroken but now hungry.

  "You want some lunch?" my mom asked, looking back over her shoulder at me as I stood in the doorway of the kitchen.

  I had a blanket wrapped around me, and I nodded. I felt like I was five years old again, hoping my mother could make everything better. But she couldn't.

  I sat down at the kitchen table. She made me some toast and put the plate down in front of me. She buttered it just the way I liked it.

  "Come on, darling," she said, studying me, "tell me what happened?"

  "There was a guy…" I said, feeling the sharp pain again. It hurt to breathe. Her features turned from concerned to understanding. "It didn't work out the way I had hoped."

  She reached out and took my hand into hers. My eyes watered and a tear slid down my cheek. I wiped it away, frustrated I couldn't keep control of my emotions.

  "I'm sorry," she said, pulling her chair closer to me to put an arm around my shoulders and hug me.

  "This sucks," I muttered, hating that I couldn't just shrug it off and carry on.

  "I know," she said, hugging me tighter. I leaned my head against her shoulder. "It feels like the worst thing and you don't think it will ever end. But it will."

  I looked up at her to give her a disbelieving look.

  "It will. Time will heal you." Her words seemed impossible at that moment. And there was a part of me that loved him and didn't want to get over him. But I couldn't spend the rest of my life like this, hurting and unable to function.

  "I really love him," I admitted to her. She gave me a sympathetic smile.

  "There will be others." That didn't soothe me at all. I didn't want anyone but Slater.

  We talked for a little while longer and afterward I went to take a shower. I felt a little better once I got into some clean clothes and I ventured out of my room again.

  I sat down on the sofa and switched the TV on, hoping there was something on to distract me.

  There was a knock at the door but I didn't budge from my seat. My mom answered it.

  "Jordan, there is someone here to see you," my mom announced just before she stepped into the living room. I was shocked to see Slater walk in behind her.

  His eyes met mine and I felt the shock vibrate through me. Feeling vulnerable, I sat up and clasped my hands together.

  My mom looked between us for a moment before she said she was going to the kitchen to decide on what to make for supper.

  I dropped my eyes to the floor. It was easier than looking at him and feeling that awareness I experienced around him. It only made me feel worse.

  "What do you want?" I said.

  "I tell you I need time, and you disappear?" he said angrily. His tone surprised me. My eyes shot up to meet his.

  He was angry with me. He walked out on me and here he was playing the victim? I rose up and folded my arms.

  "You told me you couldn't deal with this and you told me you needed space," I reminded him. Despite my anger, my voice was hoarse with my hurt. "I didn't walk out, you did."

  His jaw tensed. "I didn't expect to come back and find you gone. No one knew where you were."

  I shrugged. "I didn't have to explain myself to you. I opened up to you and you stomped all over me. I waited four days!"

  "You just took me by surprise," he said. His eyes softened and his shoulders slumped.

  I gripped my waist as I held his gaze, refusing to allow him to see how much I was still aching inside.

  "Being loved isn't something I'm good at," he admitted, and I frowned.

  "That's the thing, you didn't have to do anything. Just being you is enough. Don't you get it?" I asked, feeling my temper rise.

  He rubbed his chin, looking at a loss for words.

  "I love you for you. The way you smile at me, the sound of your voice, the way you like to eat cereal all hours of the night, the way you look at me and make me feel like I'm the only one who matters. It isn't just one thing, it's all of you that makes me feel this way." I let out a shaky and emotional breath, dropping my hands to my sides as I fisted them. "I didn't expect you to feel the same way, I wasn't expecting any declarations of love. But I didn't expect you to run."

  His intense eyes held mine even though I wanted to be able to look away from him.

  "Just staying would have been enough." I swallowed my building emotions, feeling the renewal of my heartache.

  "I hurt the people who love me." I knew he was specifically referring to his sister. He ran a hand through his hair.

  "I don't think that's it," I said, shaking my head at him. I took a step toward him but he stood his ground. "I think you're too scared to get close to people for fear of losing them."

  He opened his mouth to say something before closing it again. I had hit the nail on the head.

  "I'm sorry I hurt you."

  I shrugged.

  "So why are you here?" I asked, hoping to push him to leave so I could lick my wounds. "If you want me to say it's okay and I don't hate you, you have it." I swallowed my emotion. "You can carry on and you don't have to feel guilty. I knew when I met you that you weren't capable of this, but I wanted to believe I could change that. It was my fault, not yours."

  He remained quiet as he mulled over my words.

  "You're right, I shouldn't have left without telling someone where I was going." I was so wrapped up in my heartbreak, it was hard to consider the people around me.

  "You can leave now," I told him, feeling hurt and defeated at the same time. The ache in my chest felt worse than before.

  He straightened up and rolled his shoulders. I expected him to leave but he didn't.

  "No," he said, and I crossed my arms.

  I wanted him to leave so I could cry and fall apart before finding a way to pick up the pieces of my broken heart.

  "I'm not leaving." I frowned.

  "I care for you, more than I have for any girl." I closed my eyes briefly when I felt a wave of pain. "And I don't know if I'll ever be able to love you."

  I opened my eyes, and he stepped closer.

  "It hurts when I'm not with you," he said.

  I couldn't stop a tear from escaping. I knew that feeling.

  "You deserve better," he said, taking my hand into his. "But I can't let you go."

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  He stayed for supper. My mom was taken with him. He said all the right things and I watched as he won my mom over in less than an hour.

  "You want to come home with me?" he said after we finished eating and we were sitting in the living room.

  I wanted to be with him. Time was running out and I would have to tell him about Shannon soon, but I just wanted a few more days with him. It wa
s selfish and I hated myself for it but not enough to do the right thing.

  "Yes," I answered.

  Even though I knew it was better to come clean now, I couldn't bring myself to tell him. Just a couple more days, I told myself, and then I would tell him. There would be consequences and it would push him away. Anything we had gained in the past few weeks would not have been strong enough to weather it.

  I got my bag and hugged my mom goodbye. Slater drove me home. I rested my hand on his leg, and every now and then his hand would briefly rest on mine. It was enough for my heart to inflate each time he repeated the small action.

  My phone rang and I got it out of my bag. The caller ID told me it was Connor. Slater glanced at me as I answered.

  "Hi," I said, trying not to let Slater see how nervous I felt.

  "Jordan," Connor said, "have you told Slater yet?"

  "No," I said.

  "Is there a specific reason why you haven't?" he asked.

  "I'm with Slater," I said, hoping he could understand why I couldn't answer him.

  "Okay. Call me when you can talk." And he ended the call.

  "Who was that?" Slater asked when I put my phone back in my bag.

  I paused for a moment before I told him. "Connor."

  "You guys seem quite close," he said.

  I felt like there was a neon sign on my forehead that said 'she's hiding something'. I refused to meet his gaze, scared he would see I didn't want him to.

  "Yeah," I said. "He likes to check up on me."

  I pressed my lips together and averted my gaze to the window, hoping he would drop it.

  "Did something ever happen between the two of you?" he asked out of the blue.

  My eyes shot to his as my mouth dropped open.

  "Really?" I managed to ask.

  He shrugged his shoulders.

  "You aren't his sister," he said. "Why does he feel the need to watch over you?"

  I frowned. To a stranger it wouldn't make sense, but I understood it.

  "He just does," I replied, still frowning as I watched him drive.