Sad Perfect

by Stephanie Elliot

  “Wow,” Jae says. “It just sounds so bad. And you, in solitary for beating up a guy? Pretty badass, though.”

  “I guess so.” You shrug.

  You talk about Starling and Savara and Chad, how Chad was intense and interesting and hard to understand, how Savara was someone that you might not have ever talked to in your entire life but you really got to know her and probably would consider her a friend if you spent more time together. You tell her about poor Malik, and you feel weepy over it.

  “It just sucked,” you admit. “They don’t have any clue how to treat kids or deal with what’s going on with them. They didn’t know how to deal with our emotions. It sucked.”

  Jae is thoughtful for a moment and then she says, “I’m really sorry.”

  “Me too.”

  “Did it help at all?”

  You consider her question. On the one hand, not really. But on the other hand, you know you never want to go back. And you also realize that only you have the power to get rid of the monster. No one else can do it for you. No therapists. No doctors. No parents.

  Only you can do this.

  And you want it more than anything. You want to be free of the monster, free of the feelings he invokes in you. Free, so you can have a better life, a good life, and be able to do the things normal girls can do, and be free from the constraining feelings you have all the time. You don’t want to be restricted in your life any longer. So maybe that’s what you learned by being stuck in the Crazy House.

  Jae asks you again, “So did it help?”

  “Maybe a little, maybe a little bit.” Then you are both quiet for a while, lying on your bed like you always do, almost like things are normal again. Jae’s playing with her split ends, and you’re drawing circles with your toes on the wall.

  57

  You have to see Ben today, but there’s no way your parents are going to let you, so you and Jae come up with a plan. As Jae’s leaving, you ask your mom if the two of you can go to a movie later.

  “Please, Mom, I’ve been locked up for almost a week. I need to get out,” you say.

  She hesitates for a moment but then Jae says, “Come on, Mrs. Richards, I haven’t seen her all week. Please?”

  “Only if you have her home by ten-thirty.”

  “Promise!” Jae says to your mom. And to you, she says, “I’ll pick you up at seven!”

  Your mom doesn’t see Jae wink at you. Neither does your dad because he’s glued to the TV.

  After Jae leaves, you go into the kitchen and open the fridge. You’re going to start killing the monster. The first part of the plan is to eat. You’re desperate to try as you look at the contents of the refrigerator. There’s Greek yogurt, and eggs, and cheese, milk, apples, carrot sticks, ketchup, mustard, some leftover stuff in Tupperware containers you’re not ready to open, but maybe you’ll get there someday. There is some packaged lettuce and you decide you can try a salad. That sounds safe. It will also show your parents you are trying.

  You pull out the lettuce and put some into a bowl, and since you know croutons are safe, and you also like carrot sticks, you put some of those into the bowl too. Your mom comes over to you and hugs you tight, almost smothering you.

  “Are you doing okay, honey? Can I do anything for you?”

  “I’m okay, Mom,” you say.

  “We’re glad you’re home, Pea,” your dad says from the family room, ESPN blaring in the background.

  “I’m happy that you’re trying,” your mom says, nodding encouragingly toward your salad. “Can I get you anything else?” You can tell she’s treading lightly and she wants to help you. You know she spoke with Shayna a couple of times when you were in the hospital, so maybe she’s trying some skills of her own.

  You don’t know where Todd is. You haven’t seen him since you got home from the hospital and you think that’s really nice of him. It’s like he didn’t even care you were gone four full days. Whatever, you think. He’s out of your life in less than a year anyway, hopefully, if he goes away to college. Then you won’t have to deal with him or his lack of sympathy ever again.

  Dad’s watching his sports show and Mom’s hovering a little too much. Now, it’s battle time between you and the monster. You’re going to eat this salad—this lettuce and croutons and carrots—and you’ll drown the monster in some vegetables. Then you’ll go back upstairs to figure out what’s next.

  You feel proud, and empowered by your plan.

  At the kitchen counter you eat the salad. You take your time, and are thoughtful in your chewing, and you silently say, Die, monster, with every bite. You crunch the croutons and carrots, and manage to eat everything in the bowl. When you’re done with it, you put your bowl in the sink and your mom looks at you from the kitchen table, where she was trying not to hover. She smiles.

  “Am I going back to Healthy Foundations on Monday?” you ask.

  “Yes,” your mom says. “That’s the plan.”

  “Good. I like Shayna. I need her. I think that was working.”

  “I’m so proud of you, honey. I’m sorry if I haven’t told you that enough.”

  “Thank you, Mom.”

  “I love you,” she says.

  “I love you too,” you say. “I’m going to go upstairs and get ready for the movie.”

  * * *

  When you get upstairs, you text Ben:

  Hey

  Hey what are you doing?

  Just ate some stuff that tasted like grass

  What?

  Salad

  Oh good. You don’t like that though

  I’m trying

  can I come over?

  Yes. But my parents are being weird

  I know. why?

  No idea, worried about me. They’re dumb. Come over anyway.

  You sure? I don’t want you to get in trouble.

  Seriously. Are they gonna ground me? They already threw me into the Crazy House. Besides I told them I’m going to the movies with Jae. Come at 7 but don’t come to the door. I’ll meet you outside.

  OK

  XO

  XO

  You pull on your Chucks and go downstairs. Your brother has appeared and is on the couch with his earbuds in, texting someone. He gives you a sideways glance and says, “Hey, you’re home,” like it was no big deal that you were in a psych ward for four days. You completely ignore him. If he acts this way to you when you’ve been going through this much—like you don’t exist in his world—then screw him.

  You kiss your mom and dad and tell them you’ll wait for Jae outside.

  “Be home by ten-thirty,” your mom says.

  “Where’s she going?” Todd asks.

  “What do you care?” you snip.

  “She’s going to a movie with Jae,” your dad says. You’re shocked that he was paying attention.

  “Bye!” you say. You can’t wait to get out of here. You’ve definitely traded one Crazy House for another.

  Outside, you wait on the curb and when you see Ben’s car you stand up fast, not wanting your parents to see that he’s picking you up. When he pulls up you open the passenger door and jump into his car.

  “Hi,” you say.

  “Hey.” He reaches over to you, puts one hand behind your neck, pulls you to him, and kisses you hard on the mouth. You kiss him back fiercely. You can’t stand the fact that you missed him this much. “Where can we go? I just want to be with you.”

  He kisses you some more, puts his hands on either side of your face and looks at you deeply. “Where do you want to go?”

  “Anywhere we can be alone and you can just hold me. We have until ten-thirty.”

  Ben drives to Lone Dog Mountain, the place of your first kiss, where you tried to search for shooting stars but the only stars you saw that night were the ones floating in each other’s eyes. He holds your hand the whole way there, and there’s no music on and you don’t talk, and that’s completely okay. You’re not sure how you’re feeling, but you’re definitely filled with
all sorts of emotions because you don’t know what’s going to happen. You’re with the boy you love and you’re not sure what you might want to do next. The only thing you know for certain is that you want to be with him.

  When you get to the trailhead, he parks in the empty parking lot but you don’t get out. He turns off the ignition and looks at you. You swallow hard. You inhale. He pulls you to him and you’re kissing again, the kind of kissing that makes your stomach flop all over the place, way down deep, the kissing that makes you think you might want to do other things.

  “Do you want to get in the back of the car?” he whispers warm in your ear, then keeps kissing you. His words heat your body, they burn through you.

  You don’t stop kissing but you nod yes. He’s still kissing you and he holds on to your body while your arms are tightly wound around his neck. He uses his strength to maneuver the two of you to the back of the SUV. You hadn’t noticed before but the backseats are already down.

  “My dad and I moved a dresser today, that’s why the seats are down,” he explains.

  Ben gently places you on the lowered seat and positions himself along your side, and stops kissing you for a moment. He caresses your cheek, then kisses your forehead.

  “I have to tell you something,” he says.

  “What is it?” you ask.

  “It’s really important,” he says. “I don’t want you to be angry with me.”

  “Ben, tell me. Nothing you can say will make me angry.”

  “I sent in that anonymous tip to your school.”

  You freeze.

  You feel as if you can’t move. Your body goes cold and your limbs go numb. Fear pumps through you. This is wrong.

  He keeps talking. “I had no idea they would send you away, or I would never have done it.”

  “You what? You what?”

  Your eyes have gone wide. You feel the shock all the way through to your toes. He’s still holding you, still touching you.

  “I care about you so much,” he says.

  “When? When did you do it?”

  “The night I first saw the cuts. When I brought you to my house. I didn’t want you to kill yourself. I was so scared. I didn’t know what else to do. I guess I could have called your parents but I wasn’t thinking straight. I don’t know. You told me not to tell them. I should have told my mom—that probably would have been the best thing to do. I thought you might really do something dangerous. I’ve never dealt with anything like that. The marks on your hands and wrists … I’ve never had anyone I’ve cared about hurt themselves.”

  You’re still numb, but you’re listening to him.

  “Then, Saturday, I thought I shouldn’t have done it so I e-mailed another note saying it might not have been as bad as I thought. But once you send in a tip like that, they’re going to take it seriously. And when we were together on Sunday at the lake, things didn’t seem so bad in the daylight, and you promised me you wouldn’t do it again. I believed you. I’m so sorry. It was me who put you in that horrible place.”

  He lowers his head against your shoulder and you know how distraught he is over this.

  “I thought a girl from my class sent it in. Or Alex,” you whisper. “I thought he might have seen me do it…”

  He looks up at you. “No, it was me.”

  You think about it. You really think about it and you finally get it.

  You know why he did it, and you soften.

  You understand.

  Ben didn’t do it for any other reason than he thought he was doing the right thing. He had no idea where you would end up.

  He touches your hair, your eyelashes. He’s sad, and you know he wants so badly for you to forgive him.

  “I didn’t want them to take you away. But I want you to get better.”

  You believe him. You’ve never believed anyone’s words more.

  “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry for what I put you through,” he says. “I love you.”

  “I know. It’s okay. It’s okay. I love you too.” You do. You love him and you’ve never wanted to be with him more than at this moment. You press your lips to his again and you kiss for a long while, your tongues intertwined. You taste peppermint. You suck his tongue, then bite his lower lip. He groans.

  All you want to do is be with him.

  Your Ben.

  He pulls you closer.

  “Are we okay? Are you okay?” he whispers.

  You nod that you’re okay. Everything is okay.

  You want him to touch you. You want to feel his skin against yours. You run your hands under his shirt and feel his strong chest, his shoulders, his forearms. His fingers reach under your shirt and lightly graze the fabric of your bra, and then his palms are over the tops of your bra cups, squeezing gently. You feel your body ignite like it never has before. The heat is intense.

  “Should we take our shirts off?” he whispers.

  “Yeah.”

  You both sit up and he pulls his shirt off quickly and tosses it to the floor. You press your palms against his smooth chest. His skin is warm and you feel his heart beating all the way through to your fingertips.

  He lifts your shirt from your arms and removes it from your shoulders and over your head, but he doesn’t take your bra off. You don’t know what you should do, if you should take your bra off or not. So you wait.

  Ben looks at you.

  Although it’s dark out, there’s enough glow from the moon that he can see you.

  You know that on the first day you met, and just under a week ago at the lake, he saw you in less clothing than you have on now, but this, this is different.

  The boy you love is still looking at you.

  You don’t know what to do with your hands, and you feel exposed. You don’t want to feel this way with someone you love so much. But then Ben takes his hands and places them on your shoulders and moves them up and down slowly along the sides of your arms, as if to warm you. He looks into your eyes, not at your chest, not greedily, just like a boy who loves you for who you are.

  “I’m so sorry for everything,” he says.

  He places his hand over your heart.

  Your heart is thumping louder than it ever has before. It might explode.

  “I do love you, so much, you know that,” he says.

  “I know.”

  He kisses you and you know for certain that this is real.

  He lowers you back down onto the seat and you kiss some more, and now you are practically skin to skin. It feels so good, his warm body covering your body, this is absolutely perfect and right. You are safe and bathed in the moon’s glow. You know that Ben has always had your best interests at heart.

  From the very first day you met.

  So you kiss and you kiss and he touches you softly and you let him do this. He kisses your skin all over and you kiss his chest and his neck and his arms. You touch each other, memorizing the moments, his breath, this night. You are learning about each other and loving each other, and there’s absolutely, positively nothing wrong with that.

  It’s all completely beautiful.

  Ben is beautiful.

  The two of you together are beautiful.

  58

  You pull up to your house and Ben barely has a chance to put his car into Park when you see a shadow at his door. It flies open and someone pulls him out of the driver’s seat. It’s your brother, and he’s shouting and grabbing at Ben.

  It happens so fast, you aren’t sure what’s going on but there’s yelling and punching and you jump out of the car and start screaming at Todd to stop and you try to pull Todd from Ben but not before he gets a good punch to Ben’s face.

  “Stay away from my sister, you asshole!”

  Then there’s blood spurting from Ben’s nose and Todd grabs you by the forearm, hard.

  “Come with me!” he yells, and pulls you toward the house.

  Ben is bent over, holding his nose, and blood is pouring from his face and you’re crying and screaming at Todd as h
e drags you away.

  “What the fuck! What are you doing? Ben! Ben!”

  The front light comes on and your parents rush out to the porch. Your mom is wearing green silk lounge pants and a sleep T-shirt, and she’s holding a half-empty glass of wine. Your dad looks like he has been sleeping in front of the TV, and his hair is sticking up all over the place.

  “What’s going on out here!” your dad shouts.

  “Ben came and got her. She didn’t go out with Jae to a movie!” Todd accuses.

  Your dad glares at you.

  “Pea, get in the house,” he orders. “Now.”

  You turn to look at Ben, and now you’re crying uncontrollably. Ben has taken his shirt off and holds it up to his nose to try to stop the bleeding. The shirt has turned bright red with his blood.

  “Don’t you touch me ever again!” you scream at Todd as you rip his hold from your arm. “I hate you!”

  You rush past your parents and as you do, you say to them, “I hate you both too. I hate this whole fucking family.”

  * * *

  You lock yourself in your room and think about what you’re going to do. There’s no way you’re staying here with these crazies. No way, you think. You can’t believe your brother, your fucking brother, who never says two words to you, who hasn’t even acted like he cared about you in the past God knows how many years, just beat up your boyfriend. For what reason? To show off? It’s not like he loves you. He totally doesn’t.

  You’re livid and you need to get away from your family. And you need to make sure Ben is okay.

  You heard Ben drive off when you ran into the house and you hope he went straight to the hospital because you’re pretty sure Todd broke his nose. You send a text to him and then you throw some clothes into an overnight bag and text Jae:

  I need ur help. Come get me now. Emergency!

  On my way!

  * * *

  Someone knocks on your door but you scream from the other side, “Don’t! I’m not coming out, so don’t try to talk to me!”

  “Honey, please,” your mom says.

  “No!”

  She tries again to talk to you and then you hear your dad’s voice outside your room too.