“Pea, we’ve got to talk about this.”
“I’m not talking to anyone right now,” you shout back. “I’m going to sleep. Maybe I’ll talk to you both tomorrow!”
After a few more attempts to get you to open your door, your parents give up and you hear them walk down the stairs.
When Jae texts you that she’s at your house you sneak out your bedroom window like you did the last time, and you don’t care if you get caught. Because fuck it, look what your brother did to your boyfriend, and your parents just had you holed up in a psych ward for almost a week, so what’s the worst that can happen? You do decide to text your parents to let them know you’re going to stay at Jae’s, that you need some space and some time to think. You don’t say it nicely though, but you’ll deal with them later.
You hop into Jae’s car and she hugs you hard. You fight back tears when you tell her what happened. She drives you to the hospital, because Ben texted you that that’s where he went. When you arrive, Jae drops you at Emergency while she parks. You rush in and see Ben’s mom.
“Honey, Ben told me you were coming. He wanted me to make sure to find you,” Mrs. Hansworth says as she hugs you.
The tears come.
Why can’t your mom be more like her, you think.
“Is he okay?” you ask.
“Broken nose, split lip,” Mrs. Hansworth says.
“My brother did it to him. I have no idea why,” you say between tears.
She hugs you again and rubs your back. “He’ll be okay. Families can do crazy things, you know. He wants to see you though.”
“Can I?”
“Yes, through those double doors and second curtain on the right.”
“My friend Jae is parking her car, she’s got a blue hoodie on…”
“I’ll tell her where you are when she comes in.”
“Thank you.”
“Go,” Mrs. Hansworth says, and points to the doors.
When you get to the room, you pull the curtain and try not to look shocked. Ben’s face is not too pretty. His nose, his beautiful nose is lopsided on his face, and even though they cleaned up all the blood, there is still redness and swelling and bruises are forming underneath his eyes. You take a tentative step toward the bed.
“Hey,” you say.
“Not quite the way our night was supposed to end, huh?” He attempts to lift his lips into a smile but he grimaces and moves his hand to his face.
“Hurts bad?” you ask.
“Kind of.”
“I can’t believe … I just … I’m so…” You bite your bottom lip to keep it from quivering.
“Don’t say it. None of this is your fault. Your brother’s just … Well, I might not even say he’s a total asshole. You know, I have little sisters. So I might be protective of them too.”
“What?”
“He’s worried about you.”
You sit on the edge of the hospital bed and look at his face.
“You got stitches too?” you ask, when you see dark threaded lines crisscrossing the corner of his mouth.
“Just three.”
“But on your lip?”
“You can kiss it and make me feel better,” Ben says.
You lean toward him and look closer at his gorgeous face, the face of the boy who loves you.
You touch his lips lightly with yours, just soft enough, just carefully enough so that you don’t hurt him.
You don’t pull away, you are still lips to lips, but you ask, “Is that better?”
“It’s perfect,” he says. “You’re perfect.”
59
When you open the doors to go back to the waiting room you’re surprised to see your dad standing there, hands in his pockets, with a concerned look on his face. You’re expecting him to be pissed at you for basically running away from home, but then he reaches his arms out to you.
You run to him and he puts his arms around you and you begin to sob like a seven-year-old who just fell off her bike and tore open her knees.
“It’s okay, Pea. Everything will be okay. I promise.”
“Dad, Todd beat him up.”
He holds you while you cry. It’s soothing and also strange, this feeling of your dad holding you, protecting you, taking care of you. It’s been so long since he’s shown affection toward you, you don’t know what to make of it.
But it feels really comforting.
When you’re finished crying, you wipe your nose on your dad’s sleeve and you both sort of laugh at the weirdness of it all.
“How’s he doing?”
“I think he hurts pretty bad.”
“How are you doing?” your dad asks you.
“Not too good.” You see that Jae showed up and is sitting with Ben’s mom.
“I just wanted to make sure that you were okay. Your mom and I are so worried about you. She stayed home in case you decided to come back. I first went to Jae’s house and her parents told me I’d find you here. I just needed to make sure you were okay.”
You try to hold in your tears but you begin to whimper. When you think of everything that you’ve been through, and now Ben being hurt, it’s just too much to take.
“I’m so sorry, honey, that you’re dealing with all this,” your dad says to you. “I know I’m not the best at this emotional stuff.”
“Thanks, Dad.” It’s what you needed to hear from your father and you hug him again and smile. Your dad is doing exactly what you need him to do.
Ben’s mom comes over then. Your dad says they talked while you were in with Ben, and even though you know Mrs. Hansworth would never be mean, it feels weird to think that your boyfriend’s mother is talking to the dad of the guy who beat him up.
Your dad continues to apologize for what Todd did and tells Mrs. Hansworth that he will be punished. While they talk, you go sit by Jae.
“This is some effed-up shit,” Jae says. She asks if you’re going home with your dad.
“No way. I mean, it’s great that he came to the hospital and all, but I can’t deal with being at home right now. And I definitely don’t want to see Todd.”
When your dad and Mrs. Hansworth are done talking, they come over to you and Jae and you ask your dad if you can still stay with Jae and he says yes.
“Mrs. Hansworth, can I say bye to Ben really quick?” He looked so banged up in there, and you need to see him one more time before you leave for the night.
“I don’t see why not, just check with the nurse first.”
You say goodbye to your dad and even give him one more hug, then check with the nurse and she says you can see Ben. You feel so much better now than you did when you first got to the hospital. It seems like there was a small breakthrough with your dad. It felt weird but also real, for the first time in a long while, like chipping away at a huge, solid ice block. You think that ice eventually has to melt. You’re glad your dad came to the hospital, and relieved that Mrs. Hansworth doesn’t hate him.
When you get to Ben’s room, you pull the curtain and see that he’s sleeping. You move to the bed and watch his chest rise and fall.
You can’t believe he’s a part of your life.
You can’t believe he loves you so much.
You can’t believe your brother beat him up.
You can’t believe this is your crazy life.
But it is.
You don’t want to wake him and you wish more than anything that you could curl up next to him, to be here when he wakes up, to tell him once again that you love him and you’re so sorry your brother did this. But you’ll tell him all of this later, and so much more. You want to tell him everything you think of.
You want to tell him every thought you have.
You move a bit closer and search his sleeping face. His eyelids flutter but don’t open. His eyelashes—how could you never have noticed how long they are, how feathery light and perfect? You get close enough to see tiny sprinkles of veins in his eyelids and you’re certain he can feel your breath on his
face, even though he is sound asleep.
You don’t want to wake this boy you love.
You kiss one eyelid and then the other.
“I love you, Ben. I love you.”
60
You wake Sunday morning alone in Jae’s room. You feel like you slept for sixteen hours straight. It seems like a lifetime since you slept so peacefully and you don’t remember the last time you woke with such a clear head.
The first thing you do is call Ben to see how he’s doing. His mother answers his phone, and you’re instantly freaked out that something is wrong.
“Where’s Ben? Is everything okay?” you ask.
“Everything’s fine,” Mrs. Hansworth says. “We got home from the hospital at two in the morning, and he’s still sleeping. I’ll tell him you called.”
You thank her and hang up, grateful to know Ben is okay.
Next, you figure out your plan for going home to face your family. You’ve decided you want Shayna with you because you feel she’s the only one who can mediate this mess. She’s the only one who can make sense of the craziness of your family. So you call her and leave a message, telling her it’s not an emergency but it is important.
When Shayna calls you back an hour later, she says she got your message from Friday and the one you left earlier.
“I’m sorry I didn’t call you back yet. How come you got out of St. Joe’s early?”
You tell her everything that has occurred since the assessment meeting—you can’t believe how much has happened—Ken harassing you, Winthrop putting you in solitary, Ben getting beaten up, by your brother. It’s all just too much.
You also tell Shayna that you’re ready for the next step. You want to start trying foods. You tell her you also need her help to make your parents understand that you’re going to be okay, and you’d like her to help set boundaries at home. Although you felt a sort of thawing happening with your dad at the hospital, you know there’s a lot more involved than a hug and an I’m sorry from him to make things right.
You need Shayna for the work that you’ll have to do—the eating, the mindful thinking, the coping skills, the work to lower your anxiety … everything else it will take to get better. You know you cannot do it alone.
“I’m ready now,” you tell her. “If being at St. Joe’s taught me anything, it’s that I’m stronger than I thought I was and I want to try really hard to fight this. I’m at my best friend’s house now but will you come with me to my house today? I can’t face my parents and brother alone.”
She reminds you that it’s Sunday.
“Please, Shayna, I can’t go home alone. I need you there.”
“Tomorrow morning? We can go there together tomorrow. Early, though, seven a.m.?” she says.
“Okay.”
“I’ll come get you and we’ll go talk to your family together.”
“Thank you, Shayna, thank you.”
You give Shayna Jae’s address and hang up, then you call your parents. They put you on speaker and you tell them that tomorrow morning at seven you’ll be home, with Shayna, to talk to everyone. You tell them that you’re going to seriously work on getting well, but it’s going to be on your terms.
Then you ask your parents, “What is it about Ben that you don’t like?”
When your mom speaks, you can tell she’s tearful. Maybe also a bit remorseful. “It’s not that we don’t like Ben … but, you changed when he started coming around.”
“That’s not true,” you say.
“It is,” she says.
“I got happy,” you say.
“You were doing things out of character,” your mom says.
“You started hurting yourself,” your dad interjects.
“You stopped taking your pills,” your mom says.
“Ben makes me happy,” you say. “And he didn’t change me. He and Jae are the only ones who understand me. You guys don’t understand everything that I’m going through, everything I’m dealing with. I know I made some mistakes and I’m willing to admit to them, but we’ve all made mistakes.”
You’re being really open with your parents and you’re not sure what to make of it. You guess it’s a start. And it seems like they’re listening to you.
Then you ask another important question: “Why did Todd beat him up? I hate him for that.”
“Pea, you might not believe this, and you might never get it, maybe not until you’re a parent,” your dad says. “But Todd loves you. Siblings have strange ways of showing their love for each other. I’m in no way condoning what he did, at all. What he did was absolutely wrong, but he did it out of love for you. He thought he was protecting you.”
You think about this for a while, and there is a lull on the phone. You know there’s work ahead of you. There’s work to be done for all of you, if you want to get to the point of being a functional, loving family. Everyone is out of sync. But you’re willing. You think they’re willing. They love you. They do. You’re still totally pissed at Todd though.
But maybe their willingness is enough for now. It’s going to have to be.
“Tell Todd if he cares about me at all he has to be there tomorrow morning,” you say. “He has to skip his morning football practice. He owes me this.”
Before you hang up you tell your parents you love them.
61
Shayna picks you up at Jae’s Monday morning and gives you a huge hug when she sees you.
“I’m so glad you’re here,” you say to her.
“I’m glad to be here,” she says.
In the car on the way to your house, you tell Shayna what you’ve come to understand.
“I don’t think there’s a monster.”
“What do you mean?” she asks.
“I think I might have made him up, or maybe he was just my conscience?”
“Uh-huh,” Shayna says, her eyes on the road.
“So this monster, that’s been a part of me for so long, hasn’t really been real. Like just a thing, an extension of my behavior.”
You are certain that the monster didn’t really exist. He was everything around you, surrounding you. He was anxiety. He was depression. He was your brother. He was your parents when they were aggravating you. He was how you felt when you were hungry, or angry, or sad. He was the food that was keeping you from living your life this whole time. You unconsciously created the monster, someone else to blame, because you didn’t want to take on the responsibilities of fixing what was broken.
The monster was never real.
“I’m ready,” you tell Shayna. “I’m going to take the responsibility to get well, and not blame something else for my problems.”
Of course, you’ll need Shayna’s help, and with time, patience, and determination, you’ll succeed. You’re sure of it. There have been girls like you before who have gotten well. And you know there will be girls like you after.
“I am so proud of you. You get it,” Shayna says. “This is a huge realization on your part, a big step, you know?”
You smile at her, feeling confident, knowing you’re figuring things out, knowing you’re going to get better, knowing you’re on your way to recovery.
* * *
When you get home, your parents and Todd are waiting. You’re actually surprised that Todd skipped his morning football practice to be here. You’re not quite sure what you want to say to him or how you feel about him. Your mom and dad both hug you, super-hard, almost to the point of being annoying, and your mom starts crying a little.
You get emotional too, thinking about everything you’ve been through since you were sent to St. Joe’s … You should be exhausted.
You sigh.
You are exhausted.
You plop yourself onto the couch while your mom gets coffee for Shayna and your dad, and then everyone else joins you in the family room. You’re curled up with a blanket just waiting to see what will happen.
Your mom sits right next to you and takes your hand in hers. She whispers, “I�
�m so glad you’re home.”
You squeeze her hand back.
Shayna starts talking, just like she does in group sessions.
“Thanks, everyone, for being here.”
Todd actually rolls his eyes, but he doesn’t have earbuds in, which is a first.
“Todd, why don’t we start with you,” Shayna says. “What are your thoughts on your sister and what’s been going on?”
“She hasn’t been acting like herself. This guy comes into her life and she gets all weird, sneaking around, cutting herself, and sure, I’m worried she’s just gonna end up getting hurt.”
“Why do you think that?” Shayna asks.
“Because guys are dicks, and Ben’s no different.”
You want to say Ben’s not like that, he loves you, and Todd knows nothing about him. Shayna glances at you as if to say, Let him talk, so you don’t say anything. You sit there while your mom holds your hand and rubs it like she’s never going to let go. Then you blurt out, “What do you care anyway, Todd. You don’t even care about me.”
“The fuck I don’t!”
Everyone stares at Todd.
“You’re my little sister. I don’t want anyone hurting you.”
He’s still sulking.
Then Shayna asks your parents, “Do you have a problem with Ben?”
Your parents look at each other. You can tell your mom’s thinking of what she wants to say without hurting your feelings.
“She’s obviously not well,” your mom starts. “We think she needs to concentrate on getting better first, before she gets serious with anyone.”
Your mom smiles at you as if you’ve got a terminal illness or something.
“Mom! Stop it.” You pull your hand away from her and put some space between the two of you.
“Why can’t she do both?” Shayna asks your mom. “Why can’t she have a supportive boyfriend by her side while she’s getting better, while she’s going through the program and learning to use the tools we’re providing her?”
Your dad shifts his position on the couch, leans forward, as if to take control of the situation. “We have nothing against Ben. Ben’s okay. We like him. We don’t want her sneaking out and lying to us.”
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