Delphi Complete Works of Richard Brinsley Sheridan

by Richard Brinsley Sheridan

  Isaac. It is very true, indeed, ma’am; but it is a judgment, I look on it as a judgment on me, for delaying to urge the time when you’ll permit me to complete my happiness, by acquainting Don Jerome with your condescension.

  Duen. Sir, I must frankly own to you, that I can never be yours with my father’s consent.

  Isaac. Good lack! how so?

  Duen. When my father, in his passion, swore he would never see me again till I acquiesced in his will, I also made a vow, that I would never take a husband from his hand; nothing shall make me break that oath: but if you have spirit and contrivance enough to carry me off without his knowledge, I’m yours.

  Isaac. Hum!

  Duen. Nay, sir, if you hesitate ——

  Isaac. [Aside.] I’faith no bad whim this! — If I take her at her word, I shall secure her fortune, and avoid making any settlement in return; thus I shall not only cheat the lover, but the father too. Oh, cunning rogue, Isaac! ay, ay, let this little brain alone! Egad, I’ll take her in the mind!

  Duen. Well, sir, what’s your determination?

  Isaac. Madam, I was dumb only from rapture — I applaud your spirit, and joyfully close with your proposal; for which thus let me, on this lily hand, express my gratitude.

  Duen. Well, sir, you must get my father’s consent to walk with me in the garden. But by no means inform him of my kindness to you.

  Isaac. No, to be sure, that would spoil all: but, trust me when tricking is the word — let me alone for a piece of cunning; this very day you shall be out of his power.

  Duen. Well, I leave the management of it all to you; I perceive plainly, sir, that you are not one that can be easily outwitted.

  Isaac. Egad, you’re right, madam — you’re right, i’faith.

  Re-enter MAID.

  Maid. Here’s a gentleman at the door, who begs permission to speak with Signor Isaac.

  Isaac. A friend of mine, ma’am, and a trusty friend — let him come in — [Exit MAID.] He’s one to be depended on, ma’am.

  Enter DON CARLOS.

  So coz. [Talks apart with DON CARLOS.]

  Don Car. I have left Donna Clara at your lodgings, but can nowhere find Antonio.

  Isaac. Well, I will search him out myself. Carlos, you rogue, I thrive, I prosper!

  Don Car. Where is your mistress?

  Isaac. There, you booby, there she stands.

  Don Car. Why, she’s damned ugly!

  Isaac. Hush! [Stops his mouth.]

  Duen. What is your friend saying, signor?

  Isaac. Oh, ma’am, he is expressing his raptures at such charms as he never saw before. Eh, Carlos?

  Don Car. Ay, — such as I never saw before, indeed!

  Duen. You are a very obliging gentleman. Well, Signor Isaac, I believe we had better part for the present. Remember our plan.

  Isaac. Oh, ma’am, it is written in my heart, fixed as the image of those divine beauties. Adieu, idol of my soul! — yet once more permit me —— [Kisses her.]

  Duen. Sweet, courteous sir, adieu!

  Isaac. Your slave eternally! Come, Carlos, say something civil at taking leave.

  Don Car. I’faith, Isaac, she is the hardest woman to compliment I ever saw; however, I’ll try something I had studied for the occasion.

  SONG.

  Ah! sure a pair was never seen

  So justly form’d to meet by nature!

  The youth excelling so in mien,

  The maid in ev’ry grace of feature.

  Oh, how happy are such lovers,

  When kindred beauties each discovers;

  For surely she Was made for thee,

  And thou to bless this lovely creature!

  So mild your looks, your children thence

  Will early learn the task of duty —

  The boys with all their father’s sense,

  The girls with all their mother’s beauty!

  Oh, how happy to inherit

  At once such graces and such spirit!

  Thus while you live

  May fortune give

  Each blessing equal to your merit! [Exeunt.]

  SCENE III.

  A Library in DON JEROME’S House.

  DON JEROME and DON FERDINAND discovered.

  Don Jer. Object to Antonio! I have said it. His poverty, can you acquit him of that?

  Don Ferd. Sir, I own he is not over rich; but he is of as ancient and honourable a family as any in the kingdom.

  Don Jer. Yes, I know the beggars are a very ancient family in most kingdoms; but never in great repute, boy.

  Don Ferd. Antonio, sir, has many amiable qualities.

  Don Jer. But he is poor; can you clear him of that, I say? Is he not a gay, dissipated rake, who has squandered his patrimony?

  Don Ferd. Sir, he inherited but little; and that his generosity, more than his profuseness, has stripped him of; but he has never sullied his honour, which, with his title, has outlived his means.

  Don Jer. Psha! you talk like a blockhead! nobility, without an estate, is as ridiculous as gold lace on a frieze coat.

  Don Ferd. This language, sir, would better become a Dutch or English trader than a Spaniard.

  Don Jer. Yes; and those Dutch and English traders, as you call them, are the wiser people. Why, booby, in England they were formerly as nice, as to birth and family, as we are: but they have long discovered what a wonderful purifier gold is; and now, no one there regards pedigree in anything but a horse. Oh, here comes Isaac! I hope he has prospered in his suit.

  Don Ferd. Doubtless, that agreeable figure of his must have helped his suit surprisingly.

  Don Jer. How now? [DON FERDINAND walks aside.]

  Enter ISAAC.

  Well, my friend, have you softened her?

  Isaac. Oh, yes; I have softened her.

  Don Jer. What, does she come to?

  Isaac. Why, truly, she was kinder than I expected to find her.

  Don Jer. And the dear little angel was civil, eh?

  Isaac. Yes, the pretty little angel was very civil.

  Don Jer. I’m transported to hear it! Well, and you were astonished at her beauty, hey?

  Isaac. I was astonished, indeed! Pray, how old is Miss?

  Don Jer. How old? let me see — eight and twelve — she is twenty.

  Isaac. Twenty?

  Don Jer. Ay, to a month.

  Isaac. Then, upon my soul, she is the oldest-looking girl of her age in Christendom!

  Don Jer. Do you think so? But, I believe, you will not see a prettier girl.

  Isaac. Here and there one.

  Don Jer. Louisa has the family face.

  Isaac. [Aside.] Yes, egad, I should have taken it for a family face, and one that has been in the family some time, too.

  Don Jer. She has her father’s eyes.

  Isaac. [Aside.]Truly, I should have guessed them to have been so! If she had her mother’s spectacles, I believe she would not see the worse.

  Don Jer. Her aunt Ursula’s nose, and her grandmother’s forehead, to a hair.

  Isaac. [Aside.]Ay, ‘faith, and her grandfather’s chin, to a hair.

  Don Jer. Well, if she was but as dutiful as she’s handsome — and hark ye, friend Isaac, she is none of your made-up beauties — her charms are of the lasting kind.

  Isaac. I’faith, so they should — for if she be but twenty now, she may double her age before her years will overtake her face.

  Don Jer. Why, zounds, Master Isaac! you are not sneering, are you?

  Isaac. Why now, seriously, Don Jerome, do you think your daughter handsome?

  Don Jer. By this light, she’s as handsome a girl as any in Seville.

  Isaac. Then, by these eyes, I think her as plain a woman as ever I beheld.

  Don Jer. By St. Iago! you must be blind.

  Isaac. No, no; ’tis you are partial.

  Don Jer. How! have I neither sense nor taste? If a fair skin, fine eyes, teeth of ivory, with a lovely bloom, and a delicate shape, — if these, with a heavenly voice and a world
of grace, are not charms, I know not what you call beautiful.

  Isaac. Good lack, with what eyes a father sees! As I have life, she is the very reverse of all this: as for the dimity skin you told me of, I swear ’tis a thorough nankeen as ever I saw! for her eyes, their utmost merit is not squinting — for her teeth, where there is one of ivory, its neighbour is pure ebony, black and white alternately, just like the keys of a harpsichord. Then, as to her singing, and heavenly voice — by this hand, she has a shrill, cracked pipe, that sounds for all the world like a child’s trumpet.

  Don Jer. Why, you little Hebrew scoundrel, do you mean to insult me? Out of my house, I say!

  Don Ferd. [Coming forward.] Dear sir, what’s the matter?

  Don Jer. Why, this Israelite here has the impudence to say your sister’s ugly.

  Don Ferd. He must be either blind or insolent.

  Isaac. [Aside.]So, I find they are all in a story. Egad, I believe I have gone too far!

  Don Ferd. Sure, sir, there must be some mistake; it can’t be my sister whom he has seen.

  Don Jer. ‘Sdeath! you are as great a fool as he! What mistake can there be? Did not I lock up Louisa, and haven’t I the key in my own pocket? and didn’t her maid show him into the dressing-room? and yet you talk of a mistake! No, the Portuguese meant to insult me — and, but that this roof protects him, old as I am, this sword should do me justice.

  Isaac. I[Aside.] must get off as well as I can — her fortune is not the less handsome.

  DUET.

  Isaac.

  Believe me, good sir, I ne’er meant to offend;

  My mistress I love, and I value my friend

  To win her and wed her is still my request,

  For better for worse — and I swear I don’t jest.

  Don Jer.

  Zounds! you’d best not provoke me, my rage is so high!

  Isaac.

  Hold him fast, I beseech you, his rage is so high!

  Good sir, you’re too hot, and this place I must fly.

  Don Jer.

  You’re a knave and a sot, and this place you’d best fly.

  Isaac. Don Jerome, come now, let us lay aside all joking, and be serious.

  Don Jer. How?

  Isaac. Ha! ha! ha! I’ll be hanged if you haven’t taken my abuse of your daughter seriously.

  Don Jer. You meant it so, did not you?

  Isaac. O mercy, no! a joke — just to try how angry it would make you.

  Don Jer. Was that all, i’faith? I didn’t know you had been such a wag. Ha! ha! ha! By St. Iago! you made me very angry, though. Well, and you do think Louisa handsome?

  Isaac. Handsome! Venus de Medicis was a sybil to her.

  Don Jer. Give me your hand, you little jocose rogue! Egad, I thought we had been all off.

  Don Ferd. [Aside.] So! I was in hopes this would have been a quarrel; but I find the Jew is too cunning.

  Don Jer. Ay, this gust of passion has made me dry — I am seldom ruffled. Order some wine in the next room — let us drink the poor girl’s health. Poor Louisa! ugly, eh! ha! ha! ha! ’twas a very good joke, indeed!

  Isaac. [Aside.] And a very true one, for all that.

  Don Jer, And, Ferdinand, I insist upon your drinking success to my friend.

  Don Ferd. Sir, I will drink success to my friend with all my heart.

  Don Jer. Come, little Solomon, if any sparks of anger had remained, this would be the only way to quench them.

  TRIO.

  A bumper of good liquor

  Will end a contest quicker

  Than justice, judge, or vicar;

  So fill a cheerful glass,

  And let good humour pass.

  But if more deep the quarrel,

  Why, sooner drain the barrel

  Than be the hateful fellow

  That’s crabbed when he’s mellow.

  A bumper, &c. [Exeunt.]

  SCENE IV.

  ISAAC’S Lodgings.

  Enter DONNA LOUISA.

  Don. Louisa. Was ever truant daughter so whimsically circumstanced as I am? I have sent my intended husband to look after my lover — the man of my father’s choice is gone to bring me the man of my own: but how dispiriting is this interval of expectation!

  SONG.

  What bard, O Time, discover,

  With wings first made thee move?

  Ah! sure it was some lover

  Who ne’er had left his love!

  For who that once did prove

  The pangs which absence brings,

  Though but one day He were away,

  Could picture thee with wings?

  What bard, &c.

  Enter DON CARLOS.

  So, friend, is Antonio found?

  Don Car. I could not meet with him, lady; but I doubt not my friend Isaac will be here with him presently.

  Don. Louisa. Oh, shame! you have used no diligence. Is this your courtesy to a lady, who has trusted herself to your protection?

  Don Car. Indeed, madam, I have not been remiss.

  Don. Louisa. Well, well; but if either of you had known how each moment of delay weighs upon the heart of her who loves, and waits the object of her love, oh, ye would not then have trifled thus!

  Don Car. Alas, I know it well!

  Don. Louisa. Were you ever in love, then?

  Don Car. I was, lady; but, while I have life, I will never be again.

  Don. Louisa. Was your mistress so cruel?

  Don Car. If she had always been so, I should have been happier.

  SONG.

  Oh, had my love ne’er smiled on me,

  I ne’er had known such anguish;

  But think how false, how cruel she,

  To bid me cease to languish;

  To bid me hope her hand to gain,

  Breathe on a flame half perish’d;

  And then with cold and fixed disdain,

  To kill the hope she cherish’d.

  Not worse his fate, who on a wreck,

  That drove as winds did blow it,

  Silent had left the shatter’d deck,

  To find a grave below it.

  Then land was cried — no more resign’d,

  He glow’d with joy to hear it;

  Not worse his fate, his woe, to find

  The wreck must sink ere near it!

  Don. Louisa. As I live, here is your friend coming with Antonio! I’ll retire for a moment to surprise him. [Exit.]

  Enter ISAAC and DON ANTONIO.

  Don Ant. Indeed, my good friend, you must be mistaken. Clara d’Almanza in love with me, and employ you to bring me to meet her! It is impossible!

  Isaac. That you shall see in an instant. Carlos, where is the lady? — [DON CARLOS points to the door.] In the next room, is she?

  Don Ant. Nay, if that lady is really here, she certainly wants me to conduct her to a dear friend of mine, who has long been her lover.

  Isaac. Psha! I tell you ’tis no such thing — you are the man she wants, and nobody but you. Here’s ado to persuade you to take a pretty girl that’s dying for you!

  Don Ant. But I have no affection for this lady.

  Isaac. And you have for Louisa, hey? But take my word for it, Antonio, you have no chance there — so you may as well secure the good that offers itself to you.

  Don Ant. And could you reconcile it to your conscience to supplant your friend?

  Isaac. Pish! Conscience has no more to do with gallantry than it has with politics. Why, you are no honest fellow if love can’t make a rogue of you; so come — do go in and speak to her, at least.

  Don Ant, Well, I have no objection to that.

  Isaac. [Opens the door.] There — there she is — yonder by the window — get in, do. — [Pushes him in, and half shuts the door.] Now, Carlos, now I shall hamper him, I warrant! Stay, I’ll peep how they go on. Egad, he looks confoundedly posed! Now she’s coaxing him. See, Carlos, he begins to come to — ay, ay, he’ll soon forget his conscience.

  Don Car. Look — now they are both laughing!<
br />
  Isaac. Ay, so they are — yes, yes, they are laughing at that dear friend he talked of — ay, poor devil, they have outwitted him.

  Don Car, Now he’s kissing her hand.

  Isaac, Yes, yes, faith, they’re agreed — he’s caught, he’s entangled. My dear Carlos, we have brought it about. Oh, this little cunning head! I’m a Machiavel — a very Machiavel!

  Don Car, I hear somebody inquiring for you — I’ll see who it is. [Exit.]

  Re-enter DON ANTONIO and DONNA LOUISA.

  Don Ant. Well, my good friend, this lady has so entirely convinced me of the certainty of your success at Don Jerome’s, that I now resign my pretensions there.

  Isaac. You never did a wiser thing, believe me; and, as for deceiving your friend, that’s nothing at all — tricking is all fair in love, isn’t it, ma’am?

  Don. Louisa. Certainly, sir; and I am particularly glad to find you are of that opinion.

  Isaac. O Lud! yes, ma’am — let any one outwit me that can, I say! But here, let me join your hands. There you lucky rogue! I wish you happily married from the bottom of my soul!

  Don. Louisa. And I am sure, if you wish it, no one else should prevent it.

  Isaac. Now, Antonio, we are rivals no more; so let us be friends, will you?

  Don Ant. With all my heart, Isaac.

  Isaac. It is not every man, let me tell you, that would have taken such pains, or been so generous to a rival.

  Don Ant. No, ‘faith, I don’t believe there’s another beside yourself in all Spain.

  Isaac. Well, but you resign all pretensions to the other lady?

  Don Ant. That I do, most sincerely.

  Isaac. I doubt you have a little hankering there still.

  Don Ant. None in the least, upon my soul.

  Isaac. I mean after her fortune.

  Don Ant. No, believe me. You are heartily welcome to every thing she has.

  Isaac. Well, i’faith, you have the best of the bargain, as to beauty, twenty to one. Now I’ll tell you a secret — I am to carry off Louisa this very evening.

  Don. Louisa. Indeed!

  Isaac. Yes, she has sworn not to take a husband from her father’s hand — so I’ve persuaded him to trust her to walk with me in the garden, and then we shall give him the slip.

  Don. Louisa. And is Don Jerome to know nothing of this?

  Isaac. O Lud, no! there lies the jest. Don’t you see that, by this step, I over-reach him? I shall be entitled to the girl’s fortune, without settling a ducat on her. Ha! ha! ha! I’m a cunning dog, an’t I? a sly little villain, eh?