Delphi Complete Works of Richard Brinsley Sheridan

by Richard Brinsley Sheridan

  SIR PETER. Aye — aye — Madam — but you were pleased enough to listen to me — you never had such an offer before —

  LADY TEAZLE. No — didn’t I refuse Sir Jeremy Terrier — who everybody said would have been a better Match — for his estate is just as good as yours — and he has broke his Neck since we have been married!

  SIR PETER. I have done with you Madam! You are an unfeeling — ungrateful — but there’s an end of everything — I believe you capable of anything that’s bad — Yes, Madam — I now believe the Reports relative to you and Charles — Madam — yes — Madam — you and Charles are — not without grounds ——

  LADY TEAZLE. Take — care Sir Peter — you had better not insinuate any such thing! I’ll not be suspected without cause I promise you ——

  SIR PETER. Very — well — Madam — very well! a separate maintenance — as soon as you Please. Yes Madam or a Divorce — I’ll make an example of myself for the Benefit of all old Batchelors — Let us separate, Madam.

  LADY TEAZLE. Agreed — agreed — and now — my dear Sir Peter we are of a mind again, we may be the happiest couple — and never differ again, you know — ha! ha! — Well you are going to be in a Passion I see — and I shall only interrupt you — so, bye! bye! hey — young Jockey try’d and countered.

  [Exit.]

  SIR PETER. Plagues and tortures! She pretends to keep her temper, can’t I make her angry neither! O! I am the miserable fellow! But I’ll not bear her presuming to keep her Temper — No she may break my Heart — but she shan’t keep her Temper.

  [Exit.]

  SCENE II.

  At CHARLES’s House

  Enter TRIP, MOSES, and SIR OLIVER

  TRIP. Here Master Moses — if you’ll stay a moment — I’ll try whether Mr. —— what’s the Gentleman’s Name?

  SIR OLIVER. Mr. —— Moses — what IS my name ——

  MOSES. Mr. Premium ——

  TRIP. Premium — very well.

  [Exit TRIP — taking snuff.]

  SIR OLIVER. To judge by the Servants — one wouldn’t believe the master was ruin’d — but what — sure this was my Brother’s House ——

  MOSES. Yes Sir Mr. Charles bought it of Mr. Joseph with the Furniture, Pictures, &c. — just as the old Gentleman left it — Sir Peter thought it a great piece of extravagance in him.

  SIR OLIVER. In my mind the other’s economy in selling it to him was more reprehensible by half. ——

  Enter TRIP

  TRIP. My Master[,] Gentlemen[,] says you must wait, he has company, and can’t speak with you yet.

  SIR OLIVER. If he knew who it was wanted to see him, perhaps he wouldn’t have sent such a Message.

  TRIP. Yes — yes — Sir — He knows you are here — I didn’t forget little Premium — no — no ——

  SIR OLIVER. Very well — and pray Sir what may be your Name?

  TRIP. Trip Sir — my Name is Trip, at your Service.

  SIR OLIVER. Well then Mr. Trip — I presume your master is seldom without company ——

  TRIP. Very seldom Sir — the world says ill-natured things of him but ’tis all malice — no man was ever better beloved — Sir he seldom sits down to dinner without a dozen particular Friends ——

  SIR OLIVER. He’s very happy indeed — you have a pleasant sort of Place here I guess?

  TRIP. Why yes — here are three or four of us pass our time agreeably enough — but then our wages are sometimes a little in arrear — and not very great either — but fifty Pounds a year and find our own Bags and Bouquets ——

  SIR OLIVER. Bags and Bouquets! — Halters and Bastinadoes! [Aside.]

  TRIP. But a propos Moses — have you been able to get me that little Bill discounted?

  SIR OLIVER. Wants to raise money too! — mercy on me! has his distresses, I warrant[,] like a Lord — and affects Creditors and Duns! [Aside.]

  MOSES. ’Twas not be done, indeed ——

  TRIP. Good lack — you surprise me — My Friend Brush has indorsed it and I thought when he put his name at the Back of a Bill ’twas as good as cash.

  MOSES. No ’twouldn’t do.

  TRIP. A small sum — but twenty Pound — harkee, Moses do you think you could get it me by way of annuity?

  SIR OLIVER. An annuity! ha! ha! a Footman raise money by annuity — Well done Luxury egad! [Aside.]

  MOSES. Who would you get to join with you?

  TRIP. You know my Lord Applice — you have seen him however ——

  MOSES. Yes ——

  TRIP. You must have observed what an appearance he makes — nobody dresses better, nobody throws off faster — very well this Gentleman will stand my security.

  MOSES. Well — but you must insure your Place.

  TRIP. O with all my Heart — I’ll insure my Place, and my Life too, if you please.

  SIR OLIVER. It’s more than I would your neck ——

  MOSES. But is there nothing you could deposit?

  TRIP. Why nothing capital of my master’s wardrobe has drop’d lately — but I could give you a mortgage on some of his winter Cloaths with equity of redemption before November or — you shall have the reversion — of the French velvet, or a post obit on the Blue and Silver — these I should think Moses — with a few Pair of Point Ruffles as a collateral security — hey, my little Fellow?

  MOSES. Well well — we’ll talk presently — we detain the Gentlemen ——

  SIR OLIVER. O pray don’t let me interrupt Mr. Trip’s Negotiation.

  TRIP. Harkee — I heard the Bell — I believe, Gentlemen I can now introduce you — don’t forget the annuity little Moses.

  SIR OLIVER. If the man be a shadow of his Master this is the Temple of Dissipation indeed!

  [Exeunt.]

  SCENE III.

  CHARLES, CARELESS, etc., etc.

  At Table with Wine

  CHARLES. ‘Fore Heaven, ’tis true! — there is the great Degeneracy of the age — many of our acquaintance have Taste — Spirit, and Politeness — but plague on’t they won’t drink ——

  CARELESS. It is so indeed — Charles — they give into all the substantial Luxuries of the Table — and abstain from nothing but wine and wit — Oh, certainly society suffers by it intolerably — for now instead of the social spirit of Raillery that used to mantle over a glass of bright Burgundy their conversation is become just like the Spa water they drink which has all the Pertness and flatulence of champaine without its spirit or Flavour.

  FIRST GENTLEMAN. But what are they to do who love Play better than wine ——

  CARELESS. True — there’s Harry diets himself — for gaming and is now under a hazard Regimen.

  CHARLES. Then He’ll have the worst of it — what you wouldn’t train a horse for the course by keeping him from corn — For my Part egad I am never so successful as when I’m a little — merry — let me throw on a Bottle of Champaine and I never lose — at least I never feel my losses which is exactly the same thing.

  SECOND GENTLEMAN. Aye that may be — but it is as impossible to follow wine and play as to unite Love and Politics.

  CHARLES. Pshaw — you may do both — Caesar made Love and Laws in a Breath — and was liked by the Senate as well as the Ladies — but no man can pretend to be a Believer in Love, who is an abjurer of wine— ’tis the Test by which a Lover knows his own Heart — fill a dozen Bumpers to a dozen Beauties, and she that floats atop is the maid that has bewitched you.

  CARELESS. Now then Charles — be honest and give us yours ——

  CHARLES. Why I have withheld her only in compassion to you — if I toast her you should give a round of her Peers, which is impossible! on earth!

  CARELESS. O, then we’ll find some canonized Vestals or heathen Goddesses that will do I warrant ——

  CHARLES. Here then — Bumpers — you Rogues — Bumpers! Maria — Maria ——

  FIRST GENTLEMAN. Maria who?

  CHARLES. Oh, damn the Surname ’tis too formal to be register’d in Love’s calendar — but now Carel
ess beware — beware — we must have Beauty’s superlative.

  FIRST GENTLEMAN. Nay Never study[,] Careless — we’ll stand to the Toast — tho’ your mistress should want an eye — and you know you have a song will excuse you ——

  CARELESS. Egad so I have — and I’ll give him the song instead of the Lady. ——

  SONG. — AND CHORUS —

  Here’s to the maiden of bashful fifteen;

  Here’s to the widow of fifty;

  Here’s to the flaunting extravagant quean,

  And here’s to the housewife that’s thrifty.

  Chorus. Let the toast pass, —

  Drink to the lass,

  I’ll warrant she’ll prove an excuse for a glass.

  Here’s to the charmer whose dimples we prize;

  Now to the maid who has none, sir;

  Here’s to the girl with a pair of blue eyes,

  And here’s to the nymph with but one, sir.

  Chorus. Let the toast pass, &c.

  Here’s to the maid with a bosom of snow:

  Now to her that’s as brown as a berry:

  Here’s to the wife with a face full of woe,

  And now to the damsel that’s merry.

  Chorus. Let the toast pass, &c.

  For let ’em be clumsy, or let ’em be slim,

  Young or ancient, I care not a feather;

  So fill a pint bumper quite up to the brim,

  So fill up your glasses, nay, fill to the brim,

  And let us e’en toast them together.

  Chorus. Let the toast pass, &c.

  [Enter TRIP whispers CHARLES]

  SECOND GENTLEMAN. Bravo Careless — Ther’s Toast and Sentiment too.

  FIRST GENTLEMAN. E’ faith there’s infinite charity in that song. ——

  CHARLES. Gentlemen, you must excuse me a little. — Careless, take the Chair, will you?

  CARELESS. Nay prithee, Charles — what now — this is one of your Peerless Beauties I suppose — has dropped in by chance?

  CHARLES. No — Faith — to tell you the Truth ’tis a Jew and a Broker who are come by appointment.

  CARELESS. O dam it let’s have the Jew in.

  FIRST GENTLEMAN. Aye and the Broker too by all means ——

  SECOND GENTLEMAN. Yes yes the Jew and the Broker.

  CHARLES. Egad with all my Heart — Trip — bid the Gentlemen walk in — tho’ there’s one of them a Stranger I can tell you ——

  TRIP. What Sir — would you chuse Mr. Premium to come up with ——

  FIRST GENTLEMAN. Yes — yes Mr. Premium certainly.

  CARELESS. To be sure — Mr. Premium — by all means Charles, let us give them some generous Burgundy, and perhaps they’ll grow conscientious ——

  CHARLES. O, Hang ’em — no — wine does but draw forth a man’s natural qualities; and to make them drink would only be to whet their Knavery.

  Enter TRIP, SIR OLIVER, and MOSES

  CHARLES. So — honest Moses — walk in — walk in pray Mr. Premium — that’s the Gentleman’s name isn’t it Moses.

  MOSES. Yes Sir.

  CHARLES. Set chairs — Trim. — Sit down, Mr Premium. — Glasses Trim. — sit down Moses. — Come, Mr. Premium I’ll give you a sentiment — Here’s Success to Usury — Moses fill the Gentleman a bumper.

  MOSES. Success to Usury!

  CARELESS. Right Moses — Usury is Prudence and industry and deserves to succeed ——

  SIR OLIVER. Then Here is — all the success it deserves! [Drinks.]

  CHARLES. Mr. Premium you and I are but strangers yet — but I hope we shall be better acquainted by and bye ——

  SIR OLIVER. Yes Sir hope we shall — more intimately perhaps than you’ll wish.

  [Aside.]

  CARELESS. No, no, that won’t do! Mr. Premium, you have demurred at the toast, and must drink it in a pint bumper.

  FIRST GENTLEMAN. A pint bumper, at least.

  MOSES. Oh, pray, sir, consider — Mr. Premium’s a gentleman.

  CARELESS. And therefore loves good wine.

  SECOND GENTLEMAN. Give Moses a quart glass — this is mutiny, and a high contempt for the chair.

  CARELESS. Here, now for’t! I’ll see justice done, to the last drop of my bottle.

  SIR OLIVER. Nay, pray, gentlemen — I did not expect this usage.

  CHARLES. No, hang it, you shan’t; Mr. Premium’s a stranger.

  SIR OLIVER. Odd! I wish I was well out of their company. [Aside.]

  CARELESS. Plague on ’em then! if they won’t drink, we’ll not sit down with them. Come, Harry, the dice are in the next room. — Charles, you’ll join us when you have finished your business with the gentlemen?

  CHARLES. I will! I will! —

  [Exeunt SIR HARRY BUMPER and GENTLEMEN; CARELESS following.]

  Careless.

  CARELESS. [Returning.] Well!

  CHARLES. Perhaps I may want you.

  CARELESS. Oh, you know I am always ready: word, note, or bond, ’tis all the same to me.

  [Exit.]

  MOSES. Sir, this is Mr. Premium, a gentleman of the strictest honour and secrecy; and always performs what he undertakes. Mr. Premium, this is ——

  CHARLES. Psha! have done. Sir, my friend Moses is a very honest fellow, but a little slow at expression: he’ll be an hour giving us our titles. Mr. Premium, the plain state of the matter is this: I am an extravagant young fellow who wants to borrow money; you I take to be a prudent old fellow, who have got money to lend. I am blockhead enough to give fifty per cent. sooner than not have it! and you, I presume, are rogue enough to take a hundred if you can get it. Now, sir, you see we are acquainted at once, and may proceed to business without further ceremony.

  SIR OLIVER. Exceeding frank, upon my word. I see, sir, you are not a man of many compliments.

  CHARLES. Oh, no, sir! plain dealing in business I always think best.

  SIR OLIVER. Sir, I like you the better for it. However, You are mistaken in one thing; I have no money to lend, but I believe I could procure some of a friend; but then he’s an unconscionable dog. Isn’t he, Moses? And must sell stock to accommodate you. Mustn’t he, Moses!

  MOSES. Yes, indeed! You know I always speak the truth, and scorn to tell a lie!

  CHARLES. Right. People that speak truth generally do. But these are trifles, Mr. Premium. What! I know money isn’t to be bought without paying for’t!

  SIR OLIVER. Well, but what security could you give? You have no land, I suppose?

  CHARLES. Not a mole-hill, nor a twig, but what’s in the bough pots out of the window!

  SIR OLIVER. Nor any stock, I presume?

  CHARLES. Nothing but live stock — and that’s only a few pointers and ponies. But pray, Mr. Premium, are you acquainted at all with any of my connections?

  SIR OLIVER. Why, to say the truth, I am.

  CHARLES. Then you must know that I have a devilish rich uncle in the East Indies, Sir Oliver Surface, from whom I have the greatest expectations?

  SIR OLIVER. That you have a wealthy uncle, I have heard; but how your expectations will turn out is more, I believe, than you can tell.

  CHARLES. Oh, no! — there can be no doubt. They tell me I’m a prodigious favourite, and that he talks of leaving me everything.

  SIR OLIVER. Indeed! this is the first I’ve heard of it.

  CHARLES. Yes, yes, ’tis just so. Moses knows ’tis true; don’t you, Moses?

  MOSES. Oh, yes! I’ll swear to’t.

  SIR OLIVER. Egad, they’ll persuade me presently I’m at Bengal. [Aside.]

  CHARLES. Now I propose, Mr. Premium, if it’s agreeable to you, a post-obit on Sir Oliver’s life: though at the same time the old fellow has been so liberal to me, that I give you my word, I should be very sorry to hear that anything had happened to him.

  SIR OLIVER. Not more than I should, I assure you. But the bond you mention happens to be just the worst security you could offer me — for I might live to a hundred and never see the principal.

  CHARLES.
Oh, yes, you would! the moment Sir Oliver dies, you know, you would come on me for the money.

  SIR OLIVER. Then I believe I should be the most unwelcome dun you ever had in your life.

  CHARLES. What! I suppose you’re afraid that Sir Oliver is too good a life?

  SIR OLIVER. No, indeed I am not; though I have heard he is as hale and healthy as any man of his years in Christendom.

  CHARLES. There again, now, you are misinformed. No, no, the climate has hurt him considerably, poor uncle Oliver. Yes, yes, he breaks apace, I’m told — and is so much altered lately that his nearest relations would not know him.

  SIR OLIVER. No! Ha! ha! ha! so much altered lately that his nearest relations would not know him! Ha! ha! ha! egad — ha! ha! ha!

  CHARLES. Ha! ha! — you’re glad to hear that, little Premium?

  SIR OLIVER. No, no, I’m not.

  CHARLES. Yes, yes, you are — ha! ha! ha! — you know that mends your chance.

  SIR OLIVER. But I’m told Sir Oliver is coming over; nay, some say he is actually arrived.

  CHARLES. Psha! sure I must know better than you whether he’s come or not. No, no, rely on’t he’s at this moment at Calcutta. Isn’t he, Moses?

  MOSES. Oh, yes, certainly.

  SIR OLIVER. Very true, as you say, you must know better than I, though I have it from pretty good authority. Haven’t I, Moses?

  MOSES. Yes, most undoubted!

  SIR OLIVER. But, Sir, as I understand you want a few hundreds immediately, is there nothing you could dispose of?

  CHARLES. How do you mean?

  SIR OLIVER. For instance, now, I have heard that your father left behind him a great quantity of massy old plate.

  CHARLES. O Lud! that’s gone long ago. Moses can tell you how better than I can.

  SIR OLIVER. [Aside.] Good lack! all the family race-cups and corporation-bowls! — [Aloud.] Then it was also supposed that his library was one of the most valuable and compact.

  CHARLES. Yes, yes, so it was — vastly too much so for a private gentleman. For my part, I was always of a communicative disposition, so I thought it a shame to keep so much knowledge to myself.

  SIR OLIVER. [Aside.] Mercy upon me! learning that had run in the family like an heir-loom! — [Aloud.] Pray, what has become of the books?