Twitter Girl

by Nic Tatano

  “Your candidate is a stone cold lock for the nomination.”

  “No such thing. You never know what sort of land mines will explode.”

  “C’mon, Frank. He’s never had a scandal and just got named to a certain magazine’s most beautiful people issue. Can’t say I disagree with their judges.”

  His face turns serious for a moment. “Still, there are plenty of wild cards in the deck you can’t anticipate in politics. A lot of people still might feel funny electing a President who’s single.”

  “Yeah, but he’s a widower. He didn’t get divorced. Big difference. The man can’t help it if his wife got sick and died. And plenty of women would want to vote for the country’s most eligible bachelor. Or date him. Think about it, you go from dinner and a movie to First Lady. It’s the American version of marrying a prince. The only thing we don’t have is Buckingham Palace.”

  He smiles and nods. “So, you get that part, huh?”

  “I’m a single woman, he’s unattached, and, no offense, the man is smoking hot. Hell yeah, I get it.”

  I almost regret saying that but Frank laughs as he reaches for his water. “You’re certainly not subtle.”

  “Hey, you want Twitter Girl, this is what you get.”

  “Good, because that’s the attitude we want. But Becker doesn’t need a girlfriend right now. He needs a Vice President of snark. Help get him elected and then you can take your best shot at the Lincoln Bedroom.”

  ***

  One hour, two beers and a killer cheeseburger later, I’m seriously intrigued. Frank has laid the cards on the table and they’re all aces.

  “There is, however, a catch,” says Frank, as he leans forward.

  “Ah, I thought this was too good to be true. What’s the catch? I gotta pay for my own lunch today?”

  “Cassidy, the campaign is a long, exhausting road. Even though our main campaign headquarters will be in Manhattan you’ll be away from home a lot, sometimes for a week at a time. From now till November.”

  I shrug. “I figured as much. What’s the big deal?”

  “I say that because… I, uh… read about what happened with your brother. We didn’t know if you could be away or if… you know. You needed to be here in town all the time.”

  I lean back. “Nah, Sam is more self-sufficient than I am. He drives, has a good job. He’s an advertising copywriter. Does all the cooking, grocery shopping. The network already sends me out of town a lot. Or at least they did. Sam is fine when he’s by himself. Honestly, I don’t even notice the wheelchair anymore. He sure doesn’t.”

  “Oh, I just thought since you two shared a home.”

  “I was twenty-five when my parents died in the accident and Sam became unable to walk. He was fifteen. He needed a legal guardian and extensive rehab so I moved back home. My boss was very understanding and gave me a leave of absence. But he doesn’t need my help anymore for physical stuff. And he’s got some girls he hangs out with if he misses female companionship.”

  “That’s good to hear. So, you never wanted a place of your own after he got better?”

  “I originally thought I would but the accident made us incredibly close. Before we were always on different wavelengths because of the ten year age difference. We don’t even look alike, except for the green eyes. He got my mom’s black hair and I got the red hair and freckles. But Sam’s like an extra best friend and I wouldn’t want to have any other roommate. Until I meet Mister Right, that is.”

  “It’s great that you have such a good relationship with your brother. My sister is the devil’s spawn. I think if you shaved her head you’d find three sixes.”

  I laugh, already on the same sarcastic wavelength with Frank. “It’s funny, but originally I moved back home because he needed me. Now I can’t leave because I need him.”

  “How so?”

  “It not just that he’s my emotional rock and in some ways older than me. Sam’s got a built in bullshit detector. He meets the guys who come to pick me up on dates. Let’s just say he’s saved me from a lot of heartache. The man is an incredibly accurate judge of character.”

  “I see.”

  “And Sam’s my hero. He went through a whole bunch of surgeries and I know he’s occasionally in a lot of pain, but he never complains and hasn’t let his situation hold him back. I admire him more than anyone I know.”

  “That’s nice.” Frank smiles and takes a sip of his beer. “Cassidy, one more thing. I know this is another personal question, and I apologize for asking, but a Presidential campaign is unique. We need your total commitment, so would this job cause any problems with a relationship?”

  “It might if I had one. My boyfriend left skid marks last night. Apparently an attorney cannot have a girlfriend who has attained national redhead bitch status.”

  “My, how supportive.”

  “He shoulda just broken up with me on Twitter. I’m thinking of writing a book. Dumping your significant other in 140 characters or less.”

  “Was this a serious relationship?”

  “I thought it was. You would think a lawyer would have a set of brass ones and stand up for his girl. But I got even. The coward forgot he’d left a whole bunch of legal documents at my house for some cases he was working on. It made wonderful kindling for the Yule log.”

  “I’d better not get on your bad side. Sounds like you’re not exactly broken up over it.”

  “Hey, better I find out now than when I’m walking down the aisle. Sam had warned me about him and turned out to be right again. Anyway, that catch of yours is no problem. I am unattached and not ready for another relationship, even if it was Will Becker.” (Yes, my fingers are crossed behind my back. Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I lied through my teeth while thinking about having sex with my new boss.)

  He nods and smiles.

  C’mon, we’ve gotten all the details out of the way. Get to the good part. How much?

  “You seriously want to pay me just to be sarcastic? Travel with the campaign and play on Twitter? That’s all?”

  He nods. “That’s all. And we’re prepared to pay you fifty percent more than you were making at the network.” He reaches inside his jacket, pulls out an envelope and slides it across the table.

  I open it, take out a small sheet of paper and my eyes bug out at the figure, which is exactly fifty percent more than I was making. “How the hell did you know what my salary was?”

  He cocks his head to the side. “Really, Cassidy? I do work in politics. Your tax dollars at work. By the way, your return shows you’re very generous with your charitable dollars.”

  “Right, I forgot Big Brother knows all.” I pick up the ketchup bottle and look underneath it.

  “Problem?”

  “Just checking to make sure the condiments aren’t bugged.” I look at the slip of paper again, knowing this is the only lifeline I’m about to be thrown and someone actually wants to pay me a ton of money to be, well, my snarky self online. I can work for Will Becker. I agree on some of his issues and don’t on others, but I wouldn’t have a problem if he were President. I like him better than the current reptilian occupant of the White House. And, of course, there’s that little thing about him eventually needing a First Lady and perhaps he might like a skinny, spunky redhead for that position. “Okay.”

  “That mean you’ll do it?”

  “Yep. But I don’t want to be VP of Snark. I want to be the CEO.”

  “Done.” We shake and I pull out my cell.

  “Calling your brother with the news?”

  “Not yet. Right now Twitter Girl’s gotta dish out some payback.” I quickly tap the keys on my phone.

  #FireTheRedheadBitch

  @TwitterGirl The bitch is back. Stay tuned.

  CHAPTER TWO

  #FireTheRedheadBitch

  @TwitterGirl

  Returning to work in January! Details coming up!

  @TwitterGirl

  Eating lobster, shrimp, scallops, calamari, crab, sole and
crawfish. Merry Christmas Eve!

  “Can I be your intern?”

  I knew the question was coming.

  “It can be my Christmas gift. You don’t even have to wrap it.”

  “That’s because you simply want to unwrap it,” I say.

  “Hey, ‘tis the season.”

  My best friend Ripley DeAngelo is drooling at the dinner table, and it’s not over the massive amount of seafood available at her family’s traditional Christmas Eve dinner.

  She wants a shot at my new boss and the possibility of becoming the next First Lady.

  Honey, take a number.

  “Haven’t even met the guy yet, but I’ll see what I can do,” I say, as I reach toward the middle of the table and ladle another round of shrimp scampi onto my plate. “Boy, I really love this Italian tradition, Feast of the Seven Fishes.”

  “Don’t change the subject,” she says, her caramel eyes narrowing as they fill with lust. “All I want for Christmas is a chance at Will Becker. I’ll work nights, weekends.” She licks her lips and raises both eyebrows. “Overnights.”

  Her mother gently slaps her on the shoulder. “Young lady! It’s Christmas Eve!” she says, busy clearing one empty dish and replacing it with another.

  “Ma, I’m entitled to a Christmas list. Besides, I’ve been nice all year. I wanna be naughty for a change.”

  Ripley’s mom rolls her eyes while her dad laughs. I really want to get back to stuffing my face with crustaceans, so I need to keep her at bay. I fold my arms like Barbara Eden in I Dream of Jeannie and snap my head down. “Poof, you’re an intern!”

  She shoves her hair behind her ears and smiles. “Thank you, dear friend.”

  And dear friend she is since high school. The girl with the booze and food heritage (half Irish, half Italian, one hundred percent Catholic) is named after Sigourney Weaver’s kick-ass heroine and seriously has the balls to take on acid-bleeding aliens. And with her looks she might actually turn Will Becker’s head. A five-nine stunner with chestnut tangles just past her shoulders, classic high cheekbones and a slender, stacked Barbie doll body that would put a twenty year old to shame, she’s a girl who could have her pick of the litter. But Ripley is so damn particular, she remains, like me, unmarried at thirty-five. She spends more Saturday nights with me or a bottle of wine (or frequently, both) than out on a date, and I can tell it’s getting to her.

  Will Becker would be the ultimate catch for Ripley.

  And for me as well. (Okay, so I’ve been daydreaming about giving a TV tour of the White House a la Jackie Kennedy. So sue me.) But I’m not even remotely in her league in the looks department. I’ll have to bring my “A” game to a “B” (padded bra) to get the attention of the Senator around her.

  For a brief moment I find myself flashing back to high school, with two girls fighting over the same guy. I quickly shove the thought away.

  Until, right on cue, Sam thoughtfully brings it up. “I haven’t seen you two look like this since I was eight.”

  “What are you talking about?” asks Ripley.

  “Remember that crush you both had on the quarterback?”

  Ripley blushes, my freckles light up. “Ancient history,” she says.

  “Really, dear brother, we’ve grown up since then. The Senator is just another guy. It’s not like I’m practicing the signature Cassidy Becker on top of my homework.”

  “Yeah, right. You both have tells when it comes to men.”

  Ripley furrows her brow. “Tells? What are you talking about?”

  “Rip, whenever you talk about a guy who interests you, your eyebrows do this little jump.” He turns to me. “And you start twirling your hair. Like you’re doing now.”

  I immediately drop my hand. “It’s a nervous habit. I do it all the time.”

  “Hell,” says Sam, “if Becker was here for dinner tonight, you’d end up with a perm.”

  ***

  Wednesday has been poker night for a few years, and I’m always the lone filly at the table. Since this particular Wednesday falls two days after Christmas, the usual beer and chips have been replaced with wine and enough leftover cookies and cakes to send anyone into a sugar coma.

  Anyway, Sam always sits across from me, and despite the fact that he’s my brother he turns into a gunslinger when we play cards and cuts me no slack. Two veteran fortysomething photographers from my (former) network, Kevin Frost and Jake Helper, take up two seats while the fifth chair belongs to fifty year old network correspondent and my mentor, Dale Carlin.

  And while I don’t have a poker tell, everyone has picked up on the fact that I’m upbeat about my new mystery job.

  “Pot’s right,” says Sam, as he starts to deal. “Five card stud.”

  “I hate this game,” says Kevin, leaning back and stretching out his lean frame while he smooths his thinning brown hair.

  “That’s because you never win,” says Sam. He flips a card in front of me and I gently pull up the corner and see a king of hearts.

  Dale turns to me as he runs his hand through his thick salt and pepper hair. “So, you’re not even gonna tell your mentor about your new job?”

  I shake my head. “I’m a vault. I’m not allowed to tell.”

  “I can tell,” says Sam. “She got a gig as a celebrity greeter at Wal-Mart. She’s going to enforce a strict four tattoo minimum.”

  I crinkle my nose at him. “Very funny, dear brother.”

  Kevin turns to Jake. “You watch. She’s going to another network and gonna kick our asses every night.” They turn and both look at me, their eyes widening as they study my face for any possible confirmation.

  I shake my head again as my second card arrives, another king. “You’re not getting anything from me. If you see me out on a story in January, you’ll know you’re right. If not, I’ll be somewhere else.”

  “Wish you were coming with us this year,” says Jake, as the huge teddy bear of a man takes a bite out of a peanut butter cookie with a Hershey kiss in the middle.

  “Fifty cents,” I say, as I toss two blue chips into the pot. (Real high stakes game, huh?) “Why, where are you guys going?”

  “Eleven wonderful months on Air Hump One,” says Kevin.

  Both of my eyebrows shoot up. “You guys got the President’s campaign?”

  Both photogs nod while wearing a look of disgust. “I can hardly wait for next week,” says Jake. “My travel agent tells me Iowa’s lovely this time of year.”

  “And there’s so much to see and do,” says Kevin. He elbows Jake in the ribs. “Look, Jake, another cornfield!”

  Sam smiles as he adds to the pot. “They really call the President’s plane Air Hump One?”

  Everyone laughs as I turn to my brother. “Sweetie, our Commander-in-Chief makes Clinton look like an altar boy.”

  Dale tosses his cards into the center and folds. “Yeah, and thanks to your little tweet, I get to join them in lovely Dubuque next week.”

  “It was gonna be my assignment?” I ask.

  He nods as his face turns red. “Sorry, kid, that slipped out. I know how much you wanted to cover a presidential campaign.”

  Sam shoots me a wide-eyed look like a parent that tells me not to react.

  “Yeah,” I say. “But the job I have is still going to be very enjoyable.”

  “Would have been fun to watch,” says Jake. “President comb-over has a thing for redheads and he’s a leg man. He woulda been all over you like a cheap suit.”

  My face twists like a dishrag at the thought of being groped by a sixty year old fireplug. “Guys, please, the thought of doing Jabba the President will make me throw up on the cards.”

  Then it hits me. I have three close friends who will be covering a President they can’t stand.

  Three close friends who wouldn’t mind helping me out when they find out what I’m doing.

  It will be better than bugging the Oval Office.

  ***

  “So, are we gonna have any ground rules on our ca
mpaign to be the candidate’s permanent running mate?” asks Ripley, as she refills my glass of champagne.

  “Ah, so we really are back in high school.” I glance at the living room clock and see it’s five minutes till the new year. (Yep, dateless again as the Times Square ball gets ready to drop.) “What do you mean, rules?”

  “Well, we both want him, and neither of us is the type to share. That’s too creepy, even if the guy being shared is Will Becker.”

  “True. Though I think any final decision would be his. Let’s put it this way. If I don’t get him, I hope you do.”

  “Same here, dear friend. It just doesn’t need to be like that time during senior year.”

  She’s right. We were a couple of immature teenagers throwing ourselves at the star quarterback, and the competition strained our friendship for a short time. Of course, he ended up with the girl known as the head cheerleader anyway. (She wasn’t even on the squad, so you can probably guess the origin of her nickname.) So the flaunting of our wares went for naught. By the way, I googled said quarterback after that Christmas Eve dinner, and he’s now a bald, fat used car salesman. Gotta love it when the universe evens things up.

  “He’ll go for you anyway,” says Ripley, “I don’t stand a chance if you wear a short skirt with those legs up to your neck.”

  “Oh, bullshit. Have you forgotten you put yourself through college as a bikini model?”

  “That was years ago.”

  “And I’ll bet they still fit.”

  Ripley smiles and sticks her nose in the air. “Of course they do. But you’ve got that gorgeous red hair and those cute freckles that make you look like a little girl. And you haven’t gained an ounce since high school either. You’re still skinny.”

  “I needed to gain a few ounces above the waist. Just once I’d like to say My eyes are up here. Men never talk to my boobs. They have a complete conversation with yours.”

  “You may be thin but you got the perfect mile long legs, so don’t complain. You can’t have everything.”

  “You have everything.”

  She shrugs. “Don’t have Mister Right. So are we going to spend the rest of New Year’s Eve arguing about how beautiful we are?”