by Anya Nowlan
He’d stood as if made from rock, his head lowered. She’d raged at both him and Jackson for the better part of an afternoon, both of the men taking it with all the pride and grace that could be expected from two powerful Alphas, who got admonished by a woman barely measuring to their shoulder. Yet, neither one of them had tried to stop her, though she almost wished they had. Jackie smirked to herself, picturing herself pacing back and forth in Jackson’s living room, Ryder and Jackson standing at opposite ends of the rooms, while Tess tried hopelessly to make them all get along. Jackie had cussed like a sailor, and she didn’t regret a single word. But she did wish that Ryder would have said something.
She didn’t know what she’d expected when seeing Ryder again. Coldness? Anger? Hysteria? There had been none of it. He’d been the picture of calm, his eyes barely meeting hers. She hadn’t expected indifference. There was an odd disconnect between what she could sense and what he projected. Just like before, his aura had wrapped around her like a warm, protecting blanket. But looking at him, she couldn’t see any of it. Of course, she couldn’t blame him. She’d left him at the worst time of his life. Whatever he had to tell her or to yell at her, she deserved it. So why hadn’t he?
Jackie’s teeth grazed across her lower lip, the tip of her nose nipped with cold. Winter was coming fast, and any other time, most of the clan members would be tucked into their cabins already, enjoying their winter of solitude. But because of what had happened, no one could rest. Patrols still roamed between the homes on the Arder side, and Jackie could only imagine that they did the same on the Bitterroot clan side. Bears were on edge. No one had made another move since the battle, breathlessly waiting to see what Ryder was planning. He hadn’t said a word one way or another, and when he’d left Jackson’s home, they were just as much in the dark about what he was plotting as they had been before it all started. Jackie could only guess at his motives, but nothing she could imagine made any sense to her.
The only explanation was that he was broken far more than she had expected him to be. That she’d stripped his soul down to the core, leaving only the primal, with no sign of the bright, compassionate humanity that she had known in him. And that thought was more terrifying than anything else. How does one repent for destroying another? Especially when he’s the only man who could complete you?
Jackie snarled, jumping up on her feet.
I have to do something. I can’t just sit around and wait for this to blow over. It’s not going to. This is your mess, you fix it.
The sun was close to setting, but she knew what she had to do now. And where she had to go to get it done.
***
“I don’t think you’re welcome here,” Drake growled, stepping in Jackie’s way. She barely paid him any heed, elbowing past him. She couldn’t look at him. For all the machismo bullshit Drake could pull, she knew he hadn’t been a complete douche before. Losing what was left of his family could do that to even the best of men, and Drake had never been a shining example of goodness.
I wonder if Bear’s Grove even knows what happened to his family, Jackie thought, trying to avoid his gaze. Drake caught up with her and grabbed her elbow, spinning her around to face him just as she was about to step onto Ryder’s porch. A light was shining in the house so she had to assume he was there. All she wanted was to sneak in unnoticed, but the Bitterroots were on their security game. She’d barely made it into their self-proclaimed territory before someone tailed her, and Drake had met her at the outskirts of the main lodge cluster.
“I said, you’re not welcome here, Jackie,” Drake growled. His eyes flashed dark brown and hers did the same. She almost bared her teeth. In her current state, she was more than ready to rumble. Keeping a level head was going to be hard. Just one look at him told her that there were scars under the surface that were nowhere near healed. He’d been close with his sister, and Bryce, the lieutenant who had passed, had been one of his closest friends since childhood.
No wonder he went all manic depressive on Susie.
“I don’t think you’re the one to decide that, Drake.”
“You’ve done enough damage here, Arder. We’re not in the habit of letting enemies into our camp,” he said, his voice icy cold. She was taken aback for a trifling of a second. Reactions just like Drake’s were the reason Jackson had been so worried about her going out alone. And Jackson didn’t even know about her recent history with the Bitterroots. Even without her betrayal, this was no time to test how far old relations could be strained between the Arders and Bitterroots.
Jackie was ready to bite back, when a familiar, deep voice boomed over them and made them both snap out of their rivalry.
“Let me be the judge of that, Drake. It’s okay. I’ve got this handled,” Ryder said, his voice calm and commanding. Drake passed a look between Jackie and Ryder, and nodded reluctantly, backing away.
Oh god, how did you get yourself into this, Jackie thought, taking a moment too long to turn around. When she finally spun on her heel to face him, the sight of his powerful form standing in the halo of soft light from the cabin made her core twist. Even when he was ragged and beaten, he looked like the most handsome man she had ever seen.
“I assume you’re here to see me,” Ryder said flatly, walking back into the house. Jackie nodded dumbly to his back, and after some hesitation, trotting in behind him.
Get a grip.
She closed the door behind her and suddenly, everything seemed incredibly encapsulated into just that moment. Jackie fell against the door with her back, taking a deep breath. The cabin looked nothing like the one she had shared with him, but still, flashbacks of the night wanted to consume her. The sudden, insufferable heat. The loud crackle of the flames. The pain. She shook her head sharply, shrugging off her jacket and throwing it on the back of a chair. Only when Ryder cocked a brow at her, keeping his distance, did she come to the thought that she may have been a bit too comfortable around him. Old habits were hard to break.
He seemed icy cold for a second, and then it came crashing down. The faraway look he’d managed to keep in his eyes all through her impromptu yelling session was wiped away, and she finally saw the man she knew under that shell of exhaustion and scars. He pulled a hand through his matted blonde hair, and her heart fluttered. She knew that move. Jackie suppressed a smile, reminding herself that she was not in the same situation that she’d been in before. It was no time to fall into patterns that she had worked so hard to erase.
“I’m here,” she said dumbly, standing in the middle of his home. He was wearing jeans and a black tee, which hugged his body. He’d lost weight, and he wasn’t entirely healed. And there was a distinct air of frustration about him that she’d never felt before. Still, under that weeklong scruff on his chin and the slight sag of his massive shoulders, she could clearly see a reflection of the man she had missed dearly. Tears wanted to choke in her throat, but she gulped them down.
“I can see that,” he noted equally as flatly. Ryder smirked slightly, and the corner of her mouth twitched as well. There was something ridiculous about the situation. She wanted nothing more than to dive into his arms, kiss him ferociously and tell him everything that had happened. But she couldn’t. She’d done her best not to be able to.
“Are you healing okay?” she asked. He shrugged noncommittally, inclining his head.
“I’m better now. I was away for a… for a while. But being with my people feels good. The collective magic is healing what I couldn’t fix myself.” His tone was almost conversational, though they were both standing stiff as boards, not knowing what to do with their bodies. How could it be that she could see herself kissing him just as vividly as punching him? The universe hadn’t been kind lately.
“Maybe this was a mistake,” Jackie blurted, turning around and heading back towards the door she’d just stepped through. Like a flash of lightning, Ryder was next to her, his hand on her shoulder. The air seemed to clump up in her throat as she faced him, overwhelmed by his presenc
e. Those stark blue eyes she knew so well peered right through her. For a second, she was sure he knew everything. His face was severe, but the twinkle of grief in his eyes struck her deeply. Grief for love lost, if nothing else. It echoed what she had kept bubbling inside of her ever since the fateful night on Bitterroot.
“No, it’s not,” Ryder said quietly, standing so close to her that she couldn’t think of anything but him and the heat that ran through his palm and spread throughout her. The familiar flame deep within her flickered to life and blazed savagely. She’d fought so hard to keep it dormant and cold, but the power of their shared past was too strong to resist. “I’m going to hold you now. And you’re going to let me.” Jackie hadn’t noticed that her lower lip was trembling. Only when he pulled her against his chest did the tears burst forth, having blurred her vision far earlier. His arms wrapped around her like a safe cocoon and she melded against him, her body automatically reacting to the familiar touch.
She sobbed uncontrollably, all the spite and anger she’d fanned within her falling off of her like a heavy coat, crumpling around her ankles. Jackie’s fingers twisted around Ryder’s shirt, balling into fists as she held onto him for dear life. Her knees were weak, but he kept her up, his lips pressed against the top of her head, laying small kisses that sent shudders through her body. It felt like she cried for forever, all thoughts clearing from her head and leaving nothing but the endless tide of sorrow and loss that she’d endured on her own. The front of his shirt was damp with her tears and he kept cooing soft words, trying to ease her out of her torment.
Slowly, her composure returned to her. When she blinked away the tears, she still didn’t want to lift her head from his chest. He was warm, protective and safe. All the things she’d missed dearly, but convinced herself she could never have again.
How can I tell him… He will never forgive me, Jackie thought. Her hands loosened, her fingers aching from the deathly grip. And how can I forgive him for what he did to my brothers? A slight frown creased over her brow as she felt the big man shudder, a tremble she hadn’t noticed when her tears had taken precedence over all else. Jackie pulled her face away from him, self-consciously wiping the marks from her face.
“I’m sorry, I…“
“No. Don’t apologize,” he said, his voice thin. Ryder cleared his voice. He pushed her chin up so she would face him, her blue eyes meeting his. “We don’t apologize for what needs to be done.”
She was ushered gently to the lone couch in the small cottage. For that moment, she was relieved it didn’t remind her of the home they had shared. She had already confirmed her worst fears – she was far from capable of holding onto her composure around him. There was nowhere but down to go from there, all she could do was to hold on tight and hope she would land on her feet at the end of it. They sat in silence for a long while, Ryder’s gaze fixed on Jackie’s hands set stiffly in her lap. She’d never known him to mull for too long or pick his words carefully, but it seemed that neither of them could be rushed. Too much pain was spread evenly between them to easily find a way to slice through it.
“I’m glad you came, Jackie,” he started, finally looking up at her. A slight smirk rounded the corners of his mouth, and it damn near made her heart stop. He was so devastatingly handsome – at least in her eyes – even when he was at his worst. “I know this isn’t easy for you, but I figured if anyone could convince you, then it would be Callie and Jonah. I… I know you don’t want to talk about this. Fuck, the thousand calls and messages I’ve sent you since, since then, has told me that much. You know I almost caught you in Mexico a month after it happened?” He didn’t wait for an answer. Jackie was sure she would be sick. So much work had gone into repressing all of it, running away for as long as she could, that the thought of having him just a step behind her throughout any of it was unbearably painful. She wished she could press herself against him again and make it all go away. Rewind everything that had happened. But even werebear magic couldn’t change time.
“But I eventually got the message. You were done. Done with me, done with us, done with the clan. I tried moving on. I buried myself in getting the clan back together, healing our wounds. Finding a new place, trying to make it safe. It didn’t work. No matter where I looked, I always saw you. I missed you. That night, I couldn’t protect my people. Even worse, I couldn’t protect you. It was the single biggest failure of my life, and it will haunt me for the rest of my days. I deserve nothing less, and I know this. I think you took my heart with you the night you left. Whatever was left of it after the Kadins finished ripping it apart between them, at least.” The blast of anger that exuded from him at the mention of the wolves was a brick wall of red-hot rage, flashing for a second and then getting tucked away deep within him again.
She’d been around werebears of all kinds her entire life, and they were prone to big emotions, but she’d never experience anything quite as clear and as palpable from another bear before. It brushed the tears right out of her eyes, making her sit up a bit straighter and take notice. He was an Alpha and even during moments of weakness, his power and presence were staggering. Nothing like the manic insanity that had been described to her, but calculated and honest anger for deeds done against his people. She couldn’t fault him for that even if she tried, but it did raise a question in her.
How could he put his people in danger if he feels so strongly against such violence?
Ryder exhaled and she could almost see steam rising from him. His shoulders slumped back down, though, and it passed. Shielded so neatly from prying eyes, only hinting that there may be more than what she knew behind the shades.
“So, I want you to know that I don’t expect anything to change. I’m not here to make grand gestures, and I don’t expect any from you. You know I love you and that will never, ever change. It couldn’t, it’s written in our fates. We are mates, and if you won’t have me, I will take no one else. All I ask from you, and I know this is a lot considering recent transgressions, is that you tell me why. Why did you leave, Jackie? What happened?” As hot as the anger had been, the pain that drifted from him now was just as intense. She knew it well – it was the same shade of gray and dark blue that she carried within herself. He lowered his eyes to her hands again, his jaw squared.
It’s been so long… He deserves to know. Whatever he’s done now, he has every right to know. You’ve done so much to ruin yourself, it’s not fair you take him with you. Maybe there is something he can salvage? Her thoughts were frantic, bouncing around in her head from one corner to the next. A jut of cold ran down her spine, but no tears came this time. After all, hadn’t she resigned herself to revealing her desperately buried secret to him the moment she’d set foot in his house? Jackie took a deep breath, closing her eyes. She couldn’t tell him if she looked at him. Maybe the darkness would help, even if it made the memories all the more vivid.
CHAPTER FIVE
In Bitterroot, far too long ago…
What I wouldn’t do to drag him back in here, Jackie thought, watching Ryder’s black truck peel out of the driveway. She bit into her lip tightly, the pressure relieving her need just a tiny bit but nowhere near enough. As the man disappeared, she could get her faculties screwed on straight again. Jackie sighed, pushing herself off the doorway and uncrossing her legs. She was practically swimming in her excitement, and it had taken herculean effort to get her mate to leave the house. They’d been playing the game for much too long – neither one of them wanted to make anything official for fear of backlash (there always was some, no matter how minute), so they’d been using sex as a particularly effective distraction. Every day, she’d told herself that this was the very last day, and every day she would fail. There was a mingling of triumph in her mind, but it blanched in the face of just how damn much she would have preferred to be riding Ryder right now.
The door closed with a particularly frustrated thud behind her as Jackie padded back into the house. She fished out some comfy sweatpants from the bed
room closet and slipped into them. There’d rarely been a moment over the winter when she hadn’t been either completely naked or just waltzing around in one of Ryder’s tees. It had been just perfect, no matter how unconstructive it had been. Jackie refilled her coffee cup and grabbed a book from the kitchen counter, more than ready to settle into a long day of pining for Ryder and waiting for him to come back. She sunk into one of the comfy, well-worn chairs and curled up into a small ball, balancing the coffee cup on one armrest as she thumbed to where she’d left off.
She was reading The Duchess Wars, and things were just getting interesting between Minnie and the Duke. It was a bit of a guilty pleasure, one she didn’t fault herself for, but rarely got a chance to enjoy. Over the course of the winter, she’d either been sleeping or having sex, and that was alright by her. As spring arrived, so did Jackie’s trifling need for something a bit more than the cycle she’d got so comfortably into with Ryder. Not a lot more, but a little. Reading a book seemed like a perfectly good way of pretending to get back into more intellectual pursuits, even if it was just a historical romance novel. It was also a welcome distraction from all the other things she had to do.