Neon Burn

by Kasia Fox

  Cal sighed. He pulled his hat off and rubbed his hair. Then he put the cap back on again.

  “How I feel about you – that doesn’t have anything to do with traipsing around town, trying to get everyone’s attention.”

  “Were we traipsing?”

  “I’m not putting you out there for trolls on the internet to pick apart. For people to look up your high school year book photo. If we’re a thing, our relationship will be just for us. You will be just for me, do you hear that?”

  “I don’t have any expectations of you, okay?” She threw her hair back and jutted her chin out. “Don’t say things like that make me think about you and… Look, I know what this is, okay?”

  “What is it? Enlighten me.”

  “You’re you and I’m me. Simple.”

  “What’s that supposed to mean, Tessa?”

  “It means right now, I’m in front of you and you’re all into me. Then, day after tomorrow, I go home and maybe you’ll come visit. Slum it in Minot. More likely you’ll offer to buy me a plane ticket out here. Then life gets busy. You’re surrounded by card girls and models and successful women you meet through work. What’s left for me if I hang all my hopes on you? I don’t want to be sitting back in North Dakota like a chump, dreaming about those four days I spent in Las Vegas with this dream guy.”

  “You can’t know that we wouldn’t work.”

  “Our lives are too different –”

  “You think we’re so different and we’re not. You’re making me out to be some fancy guy when I’m just a kid from Queens –”

  “Don’t give me the line you give all the reporters. I’ve googled you. You’re not that kid from Queens any more. Quit pretending.” Tessa set her chopsticks down and pushed the food away.

  “I’m not delusional. I consider everything. I want you. In spite of everything. What do you think my PR lady will think when I tell her I’m seeing the daughter of an accused murderer?”

  “You consult your PR lady about who you date?” Tessa’s face curled to a sneer. “That is the grossest thing I’ve ever hear. You know what? I can’t do this. I can’t just sit here and feel myself…” Tears came to the corners of her eyes. Falling in love with you. That was what she was going to say. Cal felt it.

  “Feel yourself what?”

  But it was too late. She’s built a wall between them. It was like he couldn’t even see the Tessa he thought he knew anymore. “I feel nothing,” she said.

  Cal threw his napkin on the table and took his wallet out.

  “Do not pay for this, do you hear me?” she snapped. “I have a bunch of dirty money my dad gave me and the stupid murder lady wouldn’t even take it.” From her purse she withdrew a fistful of crumpled cash and dropped it on the table.

  “Don’t sit around waiting to give me a ride home. I’ll find my own way.”

  “It makes no sense–”

  “Just go. Please.” Now she was pleading. The woman was pleading for him to leave.

  Cal stood and pocketed his wallet. “I don’t get it.”

  “Leave me alone!” she yelled.

  Anger fragmented time into bits of image and sound: The sushi chef calling out a greeting to the customers entering the restaurant. The waiter and a pair of diners in the room staring. A flash of an item in the gossip section of the paper: Callum Quinn gets in explosive public fight with mystery lady. Tessa, tears in her eyes, alone in a restaurant booth. The bells of the door jangling as he banged out into the night.

  Cal peeled out of the parking lot and drove home too fast. Once he was there, he prowled the house. Eventually he settled in his office. Work emails he’d ignored because he’d been too damn distracted by Tessa all day had piled up and he tried to knock off a few replies. It was pointless. Two hours spent sitting in his office half-assing work when his phone chirped with a security alert. Motion at the back fence. Cal brought the camera feed up on his computer monitor, clicking through the screens until he reached the view of the area where a sensor had detected a disturbance.

  It was Tessa, phosphorescent in the moonlight. Her t-shirt, the whites of her eyes glowed electric blue on screen. She stood, each hand gripping an iron post. Waiting for him. Willing him to come to her. He wanted to go to her, run out there and carry her back into his house. Keep her in his bed and tell her she could never leave.

  But no. She’d made him feel like a fool tonight. Embarrassed him. Taken out her anger at her father on him. Sasha’s words played through his mind. Right now it probably feels like you could never forget her. But it will be easier than you think.

  Cal turned off the monitor and went upstairs to bed alone.

  ✽✽✽

  As a reward for the prodigal wife, my husband bought me a car. When I was pregnant and too tired to walk I’d taken to driving to a bigger supermarket, farther from our house. But one night, my husband sent me out for cocktail mix. He wanted it right away and so I went to the supermarket closest to my house. I held my baby in her seat carrier, feeling guilty having her surrounded by booze. When I looked up, at the end of the aisle I saw the boy cashier, watching me under the buzzing fluorescent lights. “Congratulations,” he said. “Thank you,” I replied. As I walked away, he followed me. Up and down the aisles, he followed me until finally, panicked, I ran from the store with a bottle of Tom Collins mix. It was the first time I’d ever stolen anything.

  33.

  The lone light in Cal’s house blinked off. He’d seen her and yet he hadn’t come. No one was coming to save her. Tessa let go of the fence. Red divots from the iron bars remained on her hands.

  She took the golf cart trail back to the park and then walked the rest of the way by the street. As she walked she repeated to herself it’s over it’s over it’s over with each footfall. A mantra. She’d driven Cal away. It was for the best. The man she’d end up with would love her without reservation. That man would never feel ashamed of his connection to her because of a father she hardly knew. it’s over it’s over it’s over. Using a key Ron had given her, Tessa let herself into the house. All was quiet. If Berkley was home, Tessa wasn’t about to go looking for her.

  Times of heartbreak call for a drink. She opened the refrigerator door. Chilled and waiting in the bright white of the refrigerator light was the olive branch champagne she’d bought for Berkley. Tessa shredded the foil as she peeled it back. As she popped the cork, her body was tense – she expected a startling pop, a mess of an explosion. Instead a wisp of smoke came out of the bottle. Turned out, opening champagne was easy. Even a hick like her could do it.

  Outside, the artificial lights were switched off. Moonlight bathed the backyard. Tessa took the champagne bottle to a chaise by the pool. Tucking her feet under her, she sipped. For a fraction of a second she thought she could call her mom and when the realization hit her that she couldn’t, Tessa felt hollow. She phoned Dev and his voicemail picked up. It was too late to call her granddad; even if it wasn’t, he wouldn’t recognize her voice. She swigged champagne. Some dribbled down her front. Her top was sticky; she peeled it off. From where she stood, a copse of Italian cypress blocked the view from the neighbor’s windows. The golf course was a dark expanse. No lights on in the house. Skinny dipping didn’t require a man. Tessa pulled off her jeans and, taking one last glance at the house, stripped off her bra and underwear and dove into the water.

  The cold water electrified her. Tessa swam until she was breathless with exertion and surfaced gasping for air. Out of the water, her breasts sprung up, taut in the cold. She ran her hands through her hair and squeezed droplets out. Behind her a light came on. Her body cast a shadow against the trees. Clutching her chest, she turned around. Inside the house, Berkley moved about the kitchen.

  Part of Tessa wished Berkley would look out and see her there on her own, swimming naked and drinking. Better yet, instead of Berkley, she wished Cal would come to her, be holding the bars of her fence hoping to be let in. These were the sinful strands of her DNA at work, Ron’s blood
in her veins. Look at me. Watch me. Make me dirty. Berkley left the kitchen, turning the lights out. Tessa swam to the pool deck and guzzled more champagne. It slopped out of her mouth, slid down her neck and chest and into the water.

  Pushing off, she summersaulted in the middle of the pool, luxuriating in the cool caress of her skin. Tessa was drunk on alcohol and regret and lust. Tonight she could’ve had her legs wrapped around a giant hunk of a man. She plunged herself into the pool again and again, trying to rid herself of the ache between her legs, an ache that spread across her body, choking her with desire. This time when she surfaced there was another light on. This light came from the side of the house, a purple light, glowing. Beckoning.

  Wrapped in a towel, Tessa stood before the door of Her Special Place. A strip of purple neon light burned under the door. Droplets of water fell from her hair and dripped to the stone floor. She told herself that she was there to ask Berkley, directly, about her father. The room was silent. It wasn’t too late to turn back, to leave this house, to flee for home. Tessa raised her hand and knocked faintly. Once. Twice.

  “Come in.”

  She opened the door. Berkley sat on the bed, leaning against the padded headboard. She smiled and tossed aside the magazine she was reading.

  “Home so soon? Had your fill of Cal?”

  “You know I wasn’t with Cal,” she said. Berkley followed Tessa’s gaze to the huge dark computer monitor. The camera was dark too – no red or green light on.

  “Don’t worry, it’s just us. A girl needs a night off now and then.” She patted the bed next to her. “So where were you then?”

  “…Exploring the city.”

  “Well, you know me.” Berkley laughed. “I always encourage exploring.” She noticed the champagne bottle in Tessa’s hand. “Drinking alone? Is something bothering you?” She patted the bed next to her again. This time Tessa relented “Give me some of that,” Berkley teased, motioning for the champagne bottle.

  Tessa passed the bottle. “There’s not much left.”

  Berkley took a swing. “You weren’t kidding. Now,” she shifted closer, “tell me why you’re not out with your plaything.”

  “I could ask you why you told him another man picked me up.”

  “Nothing gets a man more interested than some healthy competition.”

  “I should be angry with you, but it doesn’t matter anyway. It was never going to work out with us.” Tessa smoothed her hand over the satiny bedspread. Its color appeared to be lilac, but who could say for sure? The light in the room was deceptive. Everything in the room skewed purple.

  “You’re too innocent for a man like that.” Berkley put a hand on Tessa’s leg. “His reputation would give you chills.” She was lying and Tessa didn’t care. “Men who’ve been on the scene in Las Vegas are very experienced in romance. Seduction,” Berkley continued. “The good news is that all that can be taught. You should’ve seen me when I got here.”

  “I don’t want to be part of his world anyway. There’s no way I can live in Las Vegas. It’s time to start my real life back to North Dakota.”

  “Well, at least you got to come here and have a little fun first. Did you have a good swim?”

  “I didn’t think you saw me.”

  “There wasn’t a man or woman alive who wouldn’t watch that show. You have a gorgeous body, Tessa. If I were your age again, I’d spend all day naked.”

  “Thank you.”

  “Now here.” Berkley handed her the champagne bottle. “Drink. To finally having some one-on-one girl time before you leave.”

  Tessa drank. When she began to lower the bottle, Berkley tilted it back so alcohol filled her mouth and sloshed out over her chin.

  “Stop!” she said. “You make me feel like such a lush.”

  The dizziness Tessa felt was swept away by a delicious blur of booze that softened the edges of her earlier humiliation. She felt calmer than she had all day. Her troubles seemed distant and fixable.

  “I have to say,” Berkley said coyly, “When you were out there swimming I was surprised to see that you were fully shaved down there.”

  “I mean, North Dakota is not another planet,” Tessa said. “We are aware of certain trends.” She sighed. “Not all of them. I’ve had a pretty sheltered life.”

  “If you’re sheltered, I guess that makes me exposed to all the elements.”

  They laughed.

  “Okay,” Berkley said. “I have a great idea. I want to know exactly how sheltered you are. Let’s play, Never Have I Ever.”

  Tessa had heard of that game. People who’d actually had fun in college played it. “Okay,” she said cautiously.

  “Never have I ever… had sex with a man from Moldova,” Berkley said. Neither of them drank. “That was a warm up,” she warned.

  “Never have I ever been to Hawaii…?” Tessa said.

  Berkley rolled her eyes, took the bottle from Tessa, and drank. “It’s supposed to be something dirty otherwise the game’s not fun,” she said. “For example, never have I ever, given a blow job.” Berkley drank and Tessa reached for the bottle. “Wow! Good for you!” Berkley cried.

  “I thought you were supposed to say stuff you haven’t done,” Tessa said after she swallowed.

  “Yes, well, I’ve done everything.”

  “Okay. Never have I ever… had sex in a swimming pool.”

  Berkley drank. She licked her lips and then she spoke: “Never have I ever, been with another woman.”

  Tessa’s hand remained on her lap.

  “Really? Never?” Berkley said after taking a lingering sip of champagne.

  “Did our kiss at the wedding chapel count?”

  Berkley laughed. “That was child’s play.”

  Tessa shrugged. “I’m boring.”

  “You just graduated college and you didn’t have a wild night at a party even once and make out with your roommate at a kegger?”

  “I didn’t stay in dorms. Or go to keggers for that matter.”

  “I feel bad for you.”

  “Don’t. I had a 4.0. I’m immin- immanently…” she barely got the word out. The alcohol was hitting her hard. “…employable,” she finished, laughing bitterly.

  “Book smarts will only get you so far in this world. You need to know about people too, understand them. Know who to trust and who to avoid.”

  All at once she thought of Cal. She wanted to trust him. She could trust him.

  “Oh, no. What’s that face? What did I say?” Berkley drew close. Tessa could smell her musky perfume, a spicy grown up scent that made her feel infantile.

  “I’m a baby. I don’t know anything about men. I ruined things with Cal for no reason.”

  Berkley rubbed her thigh comfortingly. “That was never going to be more than a fling.”

  “You’re wrong. He really liked me and I acted like an idiot. Ever since I came here, I’m so mixed up.”

  “Shhh. Don’t blame yourself. You haven’t been free to make mistakes like other girls your age. When you make mistakes, then when a good thing is right in front of you, you recognize it. You know to hold onto it.”

  Berkley smoothed her hair. The tears pooling in Tessa’s eyes spilled down her cheeks. Berkley took Tessa’s face in her hands, murmuring words of comfort. She wiped Tessa’s tears with her thumbs. Her face was so close to Tessa’s she could feel her warm breath, smell the alcohol.

  “Oh, Tessa,” she said. “Poor Tessa.”

  Berkley’s mouth kissed at the tear trails on her cheeks. As she kissed away the tears, her lips migrated to Tessa’s mouth. Unlike her urgent kiss at the wedding chapel, this time Berkley slowly probed her tongue into Tessa’s mouth and Tessa accepted its warm caress. Her lips were soft and pillowy. The kiss felt natural, comforting even. As they kissed the warm and tingling sensation the alcohol provided was overwhelmed by a blaze of heat between Tessa’s legs. Berkley’s hand slid from Tessa’s shoulder and now gently grazed her right breast. Tessa ended the kiss.

 
; “No,” she whispered. “It’s wrong.”

  “This is about pleasure. Forget what you learned. Pleasure is never wrong. I want you to feel good. You’re safe with me. I can be your mistake. I am a soft place to land. No one will ever know about this.”

  No one would ever know. Berkley had more to lose than Tessa, didn’t she? This isn’t happening, Tessa thought, even as she accepted Berkley’s tongue, twining her own around it. Carefully, as if she might break, Berkley tugged at the towel; it fell away from Tessa’s body. Then Berkley opened her robe and let it slide back over her shoulders. She had a small strip of public hair. Her breasts were as big, round and firm as Tessa remembered. Her waist nipped in and swelled out again at the hips. Her bronzed skin shone in the neon glow. Gently she pulled Tessa down to the bed with her.

  “Your body is beautiful,” Tessa whispered.

  “Such a good girl.” Berkley kissed her neck, kissing lower and lower. “Such a sexy girl.” Her breath was hot on Tessa’s skin. Her mouth fastened on one of Tessa’s breasts. She sucked on the nipple, drawing it up with her mouth and releasing it glistening wet. She blew on it and the nipple stiffened. Tessa moaned as Berkley licked the nub and repeated the process with with the second nipple. Sucking on it until Tessa gasped. Blowing on it until she whimpered, her hips rising from the bed.

  “You want me to put my fingers in you don’t you,” Berkley purred in her ear.

  “No,” Tessa said, even has her hips inched closer to Berkley’s hands.

  “Start acting like a grown up and admit you want this.”

  Looking down, Tessa nodded. With the tips of two fingers, Berkley raised Tessa’s chin so their gazes met.

  “You need to say it.”

  “I want this.” Tessa’s voice was thick in her throat.

  “Shhh.” Berkley kissed her again. Together their tongues were hot and wet. Berkley stroked her hair, pushing Tessa’s head to her chest. Berkley arched her back. Tessa wanted it. She was a slut. She was a filthy, dirty girl to want Berkley but she didn’t care. Her pale hand traveled up to the large breast. At the lightest touch, Berkley let out a shudder. “Mm,” she said. “Suck on my tits.”