Neon Burn

by Kasia Fox

  I told my husband the cashier was following me. And he had followed me. But after that first day in the park, our meetings became secret. He followed me to preplanned locations. We kissed under trees. We ate ice cream. We met in his apartment. He loved me and he threatened to tell my husband. I told him we could never be together. I could never get a divorce. I could never let my father, my church, the world know that I’d had an affair. He told me that it wasn’t just my life. When I saw him standing in the parking lot at the restaurant, I was afraid.

  By now you might want to know: Do I feel responsible for his death? Yes. I caused the death of my lover because I couldn’t face my own shame. I killed him too. I’ve lived my life in penance hoping God can forgive me. It is my hope and prayer that after you finish this letter, you will forgive me, too, Tessa.

  40.

  Returning to her apartment was out of the question; another one of Ron’s goons might be waiting. Also, she didn’t want to drag Dev into this situation and endanger him. After leaving the house on Jack Pine Street, Tessa couldn’t stop running. In case anyone was trying to follow her, she crisscrossed the city aimlessly, cutting through parks and out-of-the-way residential streets. She needed sanctuary.

  Weekday mass had been dropped from the Little Flower schedule years earlier, but the building was open to lost souls wandering in from the streets. The church was silent, empty. Its smells of dust and burnt matches reminded Tess of her mother, the hours she’d put in volunteering as a reader, cooking at pancake breakfasts, organizing fundraising bazaars, teaching confirmation classes. All those hours of work – were they genuine offerings of Lily’s heart up to God, or where they penance for lying to the police? Tessa chose a corner pew in the last row so that she’d be able to see anyone who entered the church. Before she sat, Tessa pulled the envelope from the waistband of her pants. Before opening it, she took a deep breath and watched the dust motes float in the beams of light slanting in from the windows.

  Inside were several sheets of folded paper. At the at the top of the page, she expected to see the words Dear Tessa. Instead, she looked down on a title: My Confessional, written in her mother’s neat handwriting.

  The first paragraphs read like a story Tessa couldn’t quite follow: A man watching a woman singing in church, the lead up to a foreboding love affair. Pretty quickly, Tessa realized that the man her mom was writing about was Ron. How strange to see him in another time and from her mom’s perspective. Ron and Lily were the people who’d created her, and yet she’d only known them separately. Absorbed, she continued reading. The further she got into the pages, the wider Tessa’s eyes opened, both physically and metaphorically. Tessa raced through the parts that hinted at what her mom, maddeningly, seemed unable to put into actual words even in a confession: That she’d committed adultery with a grocery store cashier who was probably Tyson Furnish, that she’d told Ron he was following her around to cover her own tracks, that Ron had killed Tyson in a jealous rage, and that she’d lied to the police to cover up for the crime.

  Nearing the story’s conclusion, Tessa felt sick. Her mom, who’d held Tessa to such an impossibly high standard, who’d left her feeling ashamed that she was lustful, deceitful, a bad Catholic, was as much of a sinner as anyone else in this world. Her chilled hands shook as she flipped to the last page.

  If you are reading this, I know you’re troubled and that you went to the special place seeking answers. Are you missing me? Has someone hurt you? Are you lonely? Afraid? This is my last chance to comfort you.

  I’m dying. By now I must be dead. It is my belief that keeping secrets has shortened my life. For the longest time, I felt that by not coming forward to the police, by not sharing the information contained in this letter with you, I kept you safe. Yet part of me fears that you are carrying another burden – that you’ve long wanted to know the answers to some major questions in your life and that you’ve never asked because you feared it would break my heart. I’m sorry I wasn’t a stronger woman. I’m sorry I waited until it was too late.

  My deepest secrets and regrets have only ever been whispered to priests in the dark, never spoken to someone who could’ve benefitted and learned from my mistakes. Whenever I tried to tell you – and I have, I promise you that I have – all of me burned with shame. Don’t waste what time you have on earth feeling shame, Tessa.

  So, let me now tell the full truth at last and tell it plain. My husband’s name was Ron Doucette and he lives in Las Vegas. During our marriage I had an affair with the cashier who worked at my grocery store. That man’s name was Tyson Furnish and he was the man beaten to death by Ron in the parking lot. Tyson Furnish was your father, Tessa. No one in the world knows this, not even Ron. After he died, I never admitted to our affair. I told the police I didn’t know who he was. I told Ron that he had been my cashier at the store and that he’d started following me around. Ron told me that if I went to the police, I’d be an accessory to the murder. He said I’d lose custody of you. He even threated to kill me. That was before he knew I had evidence.

  I made a deal with the devil. For the duration of my life I have felt its burn. Even so, I hope I have done some good in my time here on earth.

  Should you wish to, you can give the sock in this envelope to a detective named Michael Gilot in Las Vegas with the metro police department. Tell him I am sorry. Time hasn’t convinced me that Ron Doucette isn’t an evil man. By now, he probably feels safe or maybe he is dead too. I doubt he will seek you out; by now he probably has his suspicions that you are not his. Maybe this letter will help you seek out whatever is left of your family. More than anything, I don’t want you to be alone. I’m sorry.

  Love you forever,

  Mom

  Tears dropped from Tessa’s eyes to the trembling pages. The sanctuary was so quiet the tears landed with noisy plops. She slid her hand into the padded envelope, knowing what she’d find. In a Ziploc bag, there was one ankle-high yellowed athletic sock with a reinforced navy heel and toe, flecked with brown splotches of her father’s dried blood.

  She slipped the Ziploc bag and the letter back in the envelope.

  Tessa felt worse than the night her mom died. Now she’d lost a mother she’d never really known and a father she’d never get to meet. Her mom had lied in the name of keeping Tessa safe, yet her deceptions had put her daughter in the path of danger and humiliation. For hours, Tessa sat in the quiet of the sanctuary, praying for comfort and guidance and crying.

  Then, from behind her came the metallic clunk of the church’s heavy wooden door being pushed open. The center aisle flooded with light. Tessa wiped her tears and stood, ready to face whatever came her way.

  “Tessa!” a familiar voice called. “Tessa?” Dev stepped from the entrance into the sanctuary.

  “Dev!” she cried, running to the center aisle.

  “Oh my god!” he yelled and then winced, looking at the cross above the altar. “Sorry,” he added.

  They crashed into each other in an embrace.

  “You have no idea how much I needed to see a friendly face right now,” she said, squeezing him tightly.

  “Are you okay?” Dev pulled back and held Tessa at arm’s length, looking her up and down.

  She spoke in a rush of words. “You were right. Those people outside the apartment? They were dangerous. And I don’t know what to do –”

  “It’s okay. You can relax. Everything’s fine.”

  “What? How do you know?”

  Dev lifted his chin behind Tessa’s shoulder and smiled. Tessa turned around. Cal came down the aisle of the church toward her, backlit by sun streaming through the stained glass windows.

  A hard lump formed in Tessa’s throat. She couldn’t speak.

  “The dude in the car sitting outside our apartment? Cal sent him because he was worried about our safety.” Dev paused. “Well, I mean, yours.”

  “I needed to know you were okay.” Cal shrugged.

  “Guess I wasn’t as okay as I thought.” Tes
sa sniffed and wiped her eyes. Her thoughts turned to her ragged appearance and tearstained face. Then she noticed that he looked like he hadn’t slept either. He was dressed in a creased grey t-shirt and athletic pants.

  “I heard you shanked your dad’s henchman. For what it’s worth, congratulations,” Dev said. “I never would’ve thought you had it in you.”

  “The other man – the dude in your old house? He was a security guard. He detained that man, Albert Decker. The police have him in custody.” Cal shifted. They stared at each other. Several feet separated them. Both of them seemed hesitant to close the distance.

  “You know what?” Dev smacked his head with his palm. “I just remembered I left the iron on. Excuse me.” He practically ran out of the church, shouting out a “You’re welcome!” when Cal thanked him for his help.

  “Is it really you?” Tessa asked. “Ever since I left Las Vegas, I feel like I dreamed you up.”

  “You’ve been crying.” He moved toward her, hesitant.

  “I just found out… well, a lot of things, actually. The banner news is that Ron Doucette murdered my father and that my mom almost took that secret to her grave.”

  “Wait. Ron’s not your dad?”

  “Nope.”

  “Is it too soon to joke that I’m relieved to hear it?”

  “That makes two of us.” They moved closer together, still not touching.

  “I guess this means you can’t be mad at me anymore, for saying I’d never get mixed up with the daughter of Ron Doucette.”

  “How could I ever be mad at this face?” She touched his stubbly cheek with her fingertips. Dark half-circles bruised the skin under his eyes.

  “Then why did you run away last night?” he said.

  Tessa dropped her hand. For the first time in her life she thought, Do not be like your mother.

  “I did something that I’m ashamed of.” Tessa swallowed. “Something that… with you being in the public eye, with you being as private as you are. I knew we could never be together. Being with me would only bring embarrassment to you –”

  “That’s not possible –”

  “It was easier to go away. Go back to my regular life and love you from a distance where I couldn’t do any damage.”

  “Tessa, there’s nothing you could do—”

  In a rush, she spoke over him. “While I was in Las Vegas, the evening after our big fight in the restaurant I got very drunk and Berkley and I…oh god. We hooked up. It’s so embarrassing and I regretted it immediately. But it was all a trap. Some twisted plan of hers to get revenge on Ron. The worst of it is that she filmed it. The video is on the internet now.”

  Cal’s brows came together, sending two deep grooves up his forehead. He breathed in slowly through his nostrils. “I knew that woman was diabolical,” he said finally. “I saw her watching you. Plotting. I knew it.” His hand clenched in a fist by his side.

  “Once something like that is out there, that’s it. It never goes away.”

  “Trust me, it’ll go away.” Cal’s voice was low. He seized her by both shoulders. “Now, you listen to me. Whatever you did before today, that’s not my business and I don’t care. It’s not for me or anyone else to judge, do you understand?”

  Warm afternoon sunlight shot beams through the stained glass window, imprinting their faces with colored light. Tessa nodded as Cal went on. “I want you, Tessa. I can’t go to bed at night knowing you’re a thousand miles away from me.”

  “I won’t be. I’ll be right here.”

  Tessa stood on tiptoe and brought her lips to his. As they kissed, Cal embraced her. In his arms she found a new home.

  Epilogue

  Hoping he wouldn’t catch her watching, Tessa pressed her body to the wall to peer around the corner.

  “Tessa, quit spying.”

  She turned. Cal stood behind her, hands on hips. “He’s going to be fine.”

  “I just want him to make friends.” She poked her head into the dining hall again and watched as the nursing home aid introduced her granddad to the three other men sitting at his new table.

  “Stop! You’re cramping his style,” Cal said. Tessa laughed and took his hand as they walked out of the facility and into the dazzling heat of a Las Vegas summer.

  Thanks to Cal, her granddad’s new memory care home in Las Vegas was new and clean, with better food and a friendlier staff than his place in Minot. On top of that, it was only a five-minute drive from their new house. Cal claimed he wanted her to have a say in the home they were going to make together. But that was only part of the reason he’d wanted to move from Spanish Palms. Cal had insisted that he didn’t want to think of Ron every time he came home from work. Bumping into Ron wouldn’t have been a problem. He’d refused to take a plea deal for his manslaughter, conspiracy and kidnapping charges and apparently he’d listed the Spanish Palms house to help pay his mounting legal fees.

  For the past three months Tessa had been back and forth between North Dakota and Nevada, packing up and making arrangements for the move. Bringing her granddad to Las Vegas was the final step.

  In the parking lot, Cal held her car door open for her and she climbed in. Heat closed in around her. Lately, everyone she made small talk with seemed to be moaning about the heat. So far, Tessa loved the warmth on her skin. Maybe it came with being born here. Living in Las Vegas meant she’d also get to see Dev way more frequently. Last month he’d visited Las Vegas, and Tessa had already made one trip to L.A. to stay with him. She’d stayed in his cute new apartment, met a guy he was seeing and strolled around West Hollywood feeling happy for both of them.

  Cal got in the driver’s seat. Instead of heading east toward their new place, he drove west toward the mountains.

  “Where are we going?” she asked.

  “Feel like getting out of town for a bit?”

  “I mean, I don’t have any plans.” She laced her fingers through his as he drove.

  For the time being, Tessa didn’t have a job. Two weeks ago, she’d accepted a position doing speech therapy in the public school system but the job didn’t start until August. The only fixed appointment she had was on Monday – coffee with Deb Furnish. The relationship was still developing. At first Deb had been thrilled to learn about the existence of a granddaughter. They’d both submitted their DNA to one of those mail-order services and had cried over the phone together when their biological connection had been confirmed. They’d met a few times over the last couple of months. After the initial joy wore off, it became clear to Tessa that Deb’s anger for Ron Doucette still eclipsed everything else in her life. Deb spent most of their conversations ranting about his evilness and encouraging Tessa to join her at Ron’s upcoming court date. There was nothing Tessa wanted more than distance between her and Ron Doucette. But she wasn’t about to give up on her newfound grandmother. These days, she was grateful for whatever family she could find.

  Cal rolled down the windows. Tessa’s hair whipped in the wind. The light outside the window was the particular yellow-gold of late afternoon. They drove out to Red Rock Canyon, touring around the scenic loop until Cal pulled of the road and parked. Their shadows were long as they walked.

  “We won’t have much time,” Tessa said. The park closed at dusk.

  “I just want to walk up there.” Cal pointed to a flat slab of rock jutting out ahead.

  Together they climbed over the rust colored boulders until they reached the spot Cal had in mind. Once they’d made it, Tessa sat. Cal nestled in behind her and she leaned back against him. Below, their city stretched out, the dusty Mojave giving way to the neat rows of suburban houses, the tall buildings of Las Vegas Boulevard and finally the crooked line of mountains against a cloudless blue sky.

  “So.” Cal cleared his throat. “I hear you like poems.” She could feel him rummaging around behind her. “Here’s my poetry.”

  He held a crumpled scrap of lined paper out to her. Tessa took it and read.

  We said we’d walk together
baby come what may

  That come the twilight should we lose our way

  If as we’re walking, a hand should slip free

  I’ll wait for you

  And should I fall behind

  Wait for me.

  “This is beautiful.” Smiling, Tessa looked up from the paper, smiling. “You wrote this?”

  Cal reared his head back in surprise. “I meant this is the kind of poetry I like. I didn’t write this. It’s the Boss.” Apparently she had a blank look on her face because he said, incredulously, “C’mon! The Boss? It’s Springsteen.”

  Together they laughed as Cal brought up the song on his phone. The gentle melody filled the air around them. He shifted so they were sitting next to each other on the rock.

  Cal pulled away from her, faced her. “I knew I was done for since the moment you ran in front of my car. I knew you were the girl for me, Tessa.”

  “I should’ve told you don’t stop driving –” She cut herself off. No more blame. No more regrets. I lift my lids and all is born again. “I would make the same mistakes all over again to have this moment.”

  “Let’s get married.” The way Cal said it was off-hand, almost jokingly.

  “That’s a nice thought.” Tessa laughed dreamily, laying her head against his shoulder. She imagined tree boughs and a white train billowing in a canyon breeze.

  “I’m serious.” Sun glinted off on an object in his hand. A ring winking in the light. “Will you marry me, Tessa?”

  She said she never thought she could be so lucky. Tessa said a silent thank you to her mother for all the missteps that had led her to this strong, kind man now slipping a diamond ring on her finger. Once she’d wiped her eyes and kissed him she said, “Yes.”