Uncanny Kingdom: An Eleven Book Urban Fantasy Collection (Uncanny Kingdom Omnibus 1)

by David Bussell

  Could’ve been worse though.

  I could be a dried out, withered corpse on the floor.

  ‘So,’ said Maya, ‘definitely killer standing stones then?’

  ‘Definitely,’ I replied.

  ‘Well, great. That’s great.’

  ‘At least there won’t be any long, boring speeches when we track the fuckers down,’ said Eva, helping herself to a beer from my fridge, ‘always hate those things. Give me a mute, killer stone any day of the year.’ She flicked the top off and took a swig, before belching with such ferocity that a piece of broken plaster from above the door dislodged and crashed to the floor.

  ‘Thanks, Eva. That’s great.’

  ‘So, any clues as to where the thing is?’ asked Maya.

  ‘Well, it’s funny you said that, Eva, about being mute, because I don’t think they are.’

  ‘Aw, and just as I was starting to like them.’

  ‘When I touched it, touched the stone, I heard it say something.’

  ‘What?’ asked Maya.

  ‘It said, “Elga and her Kin”. Just that.’

  ‘Elga and her Kin?’ repeated Maya.

  ‘Yeah, does that mean anything to you Eva?’

  ‘Uh. Yup. That definitely means something. Good work.’

  I looked at Eva, then at Maya, then back again. ‘You don’t know what it means, do you?’

  ‘Not exactly. Not entirely. Sounds familiar though. Familiar to a familiar,’ she laughed and took another swig. ‘Look, I can’t be expected to know every little detail of every little thing. Plus there was the whole, you know, incident, that fucked up my head a bit, just like it did yours.’

  ‘What incident?’ asked Maya.

  ‘Oh, forgot you were there,’ said Eva, ‘forget I said anything.’

  Okay, that was interesting. Apparently, the thing I did didn’t just mess me up, Eva had caught some of the flack, too.

  ‘Elga and her Kin, eh?’ said Eva. ‘I’ll have a look in the library, back at the coven. Probably something in one of those big bastard books. Bound to be. Sounds just the sort of boring, ancient thing that’d be in one of them.’

  Eva grabbed another two bottles of beer, saluted, then headed for the door.

  ‘Wait. Wait a second!’ I cried.

  ‘What, love? D’you want a bedtime story, too? Tucking into bed before I go? Cup of warm milk?’

  ‘What if that thing comes back? Am I safe?’

  ‘No one is ever safe, idiot.’

  ‘Well, that’s comforting,’ replied Maya.

  ‘Don’t piss your pants, I wasn’t just standing around drinking beer the last few minutes. I also laid down a few protection spells on the place. Multi-tasking like a motherfucker. Probably should have done it a lot earlier, come to think of it.’

  ‘Oh, you think so?’ I said, gesturing at the sorry condition of my flat.

  ‘Nobody’s perfect, idiot. You should know that. You did murder the other coven witches.’

  And with that, she left.

  ‘What was that about murder?’ asked Maya.

  ‘She means, uh, metaphorically speaking.’

  There was a rather uncomfortable second or two after that, I can tell you.

  I managed to squeeze in almost ninety minutes of solid sleep before my alarm screamed in my ear and I had to drag my body out of bed.

  I’d told Annie I’d pick her up the morning she was discharged. Of course, when I’d made that promise, I hadn’t realised I’d be kept up all night by a home-invading henge.

  I drank some disgustingly strong coffee, grabbed a slice of white bread to eat on the way, then left, locking the door Maya had helped me fix. I say “helped”, but my role was largely supervisory, by which I mean I had no idea what to do, so stood by and watched as Maya did everything.

  Eighty minutes later and I was helping Annie into the Uncanny Wagon.

  ‘Oh my god, the state of your car.’

  ‘It has seen better days, true.’

  ‘It stinks of bird poo.’

  She was not wrong. I got in and we drove out of Carlisle, towards her old family home.

  ‘How are you feeling now?’ I asked. ‘How’s the head?’

  ‘Okay. Throbs a bit, but they gave me some killer pain meds.’

  I whistled appreciatively. ‘Must be nice.’

  Annie smiled. It was actually quite a nice smile. If I hadn’t been grieving for Chloe, I might even have fallen madly in love with that smile. Or at least madly in unrequited lust.

  ‘The farmhouse, who lives there now?’

  ‘Oh, nobody. My parents are dead, so it was left to me.’

  ‘Right. Sorry. Dead parents. Rough.’

  ‘Yeah. Partially my fault. I went down the well and wished they were dead.’

  I looked at her at least three or four times in silence before I was able to scramble my thoughts back together again to speak.

  ‘I’m… sorry…?’

  ‘Joke.’

  ‘Oh. Right. Edgy material. I get it.’

  ‘It was a year ago. Car crash. I actually thought about going down the well to try and bargain for their lives. I hadn’t been down to ask for anything in years and years. But I didn’t. Was that selfish of me?’

  ‘I wouldn’t say selfish. You knew what you were getting into then. That you were playing with fire.’

  Annie teased at the hem of her coat.

  ‘Damage was done. I should’ve gone down anyway. But I was afraid.’

  ‘Who lives in the house now?’

  ‘No one. I’ve just kept it. Kept it empty. What if I were to sell it, have someone else move in, and they discovered the well’s secret, too? No. I’ll keep it.’

  Twenty minutes later, the car tyres crunched over gravel as we pulled up in front of a farmhouse. It was charming, except for the boards nailed over its windows.

  ‘Where is it?’

  ‘It’s around back, come on.’

  I followed.

  I have to admit to feeling a little worried. What if there really were demons at the bottom of that well? I wasn’t equipped to deal with demons. But then, I wasn’t equipped to deal with killer standing stones either. I thought back to what had happened just a few hours earlier. To what I’d tapped into.

  Magic Eater.

  Just for a few seconds, I’d felt a whisper of that power.

  I hadn’t told Eva the truth about how I’d escaped. Just said that as soon as the thing barged in, I got lucky and managed to slip the thing before it did me any serious mischief.

  The truth had been… intoxicating. Being that close to whatever power the Dark Lakes was offering me. To feel that strength. That invulnerability. That certainty that I could swat aside anything that faced me. That I didn’t ever have to feel worry or fear ever again.

  If I had that power—if I could access it all the time, whenever I wanted—what could I do then? A situation like this wouldn’t be terrifying, it would be a walk in the park.

  ‘Here it is,’ said Annie, snapping me out of my trance. Startled, I almost cried out. It was as though my train of thought had been pulling me deeper and deeper into the depths. Into a new way of thinking. Of wanting.

  I shivered and tried to push the thoughts aside.

  ‘This is the well,’ she said.

  It was a circular brick wall standing a little above my waist, fashioned out of large blocks of grey stone. A simple, moss covered board sat over the opening.

  ‘This looks a lot like the well the girl from The Ring crawled out of,’ I said. ‘So, not at all scary.’

  We pushed the board aside and peered down into the darkness.

  ‘Hello,’ I said into the void, my voice echoing down. ‘Are there any demons down there?’

  None answered, surprisingly.

  ‘What do you want to do?’ asked Annie.

  ‘I’ll be honest, I didn’t think this through past, “Say hello into well”.’

  I took out my phone and turned on its light, leaning
over the wall and holding the thing into the well’s mouth, trying to see if the glow reached to the bottom.

  It should go without saying that I of course then dropped my phone into the well.

  ‘Balls.’

  It looked as though I was going down to the bottom no matter what. Annie showed me the ladder she’d taken to using to get in and out of there over the years. I dragged it over, then fed it down into the well until its feet touched down at the bottom.

  ‘Is there anything I should be, you know, worried about?’ I asked.

  ‘I don’t think so. They just talk to you.’

  ‘Right. Just demons, having a bit of a chin-wag. What could be terrifying about that?’

  Feeling like I might throw up at any moment, I clambered up onto the stone lip, then began my descent down, down, down into the well.

  ‘It’s okay, Joe, nothing to worry about,’ I said to myself, as the temperature dropped with each step.

  This was something new at least. Climbing down into an old well to chat to some Hell people. They do say that variety is the spice of life.

  I stepped off the ladder onto the soft, damp ground, and found my phone there waiting for me. I picked it up carefully, as though cradling a baby bird, and brushed off the muck. It looked like it survived the fall, and I found myself sighing with relief. Over a bloody phone. What have we become, eh?

  Using the torch, I looked around where I’d found myself. It was like I was in another world. It didn’t feel like the world did normally. It was colder, and I found myself shivering. Found my skin crawling. Something wasn’t at all right down here. Something was entirely wrong.

  I tried to imagine what it must have been like for a seven year-old Annie to have been down there. Frightened, no way out. I’d been down there moments and could imagine agreeing to do just about anything to get the hell out again.

  ‘Well?’ came Annie’s voice from way up high. ‘Anything?’

  ‘Not yet!’

  I traced my hands across the damp brickwork that surrounded me. Something was down here. Annie was telling the truth. I could feel it in the way my stomach was tying itself in knots.

  ‘Hello?’ I said. ‘Are there any demons home? Sorry for the unannounced drop-in, I hate an unannounced drop-in myself, if you want to come round, you phone first, it’s only manners.’

  My nose twitched. There was a strange smell, increasing in intensity. A sort of sulphurous odour. Yeah, I knew what that meant.

  ‘Please,’ I said, ‘I need help. I’ll give anything for help.’

  Silence. Maybe, for it to work, there had to really be something you desired. Something you really wanted. But what did I want? What could I want that I was willing to go this far for?

  Oh. Well. Of course.

  Her.

  ‘My friend is lost,’ I said. ‘Her name’s Chloe. Can you find her?’

  I pictured Chloe in my mind; beautiful, funny, turned-out-to-be-a-maniac, Chloe. I thought about the good times. Thought about how it felt when we first kissed. Thought about how much I’d like to kiss her again.

  ‘You miss her.’

  The voice was an arid whisper.

  ‘Hello? Who is that?’

  I turned in circles, but couldn’t see any sign of where the voice was coming from.

  ‘What dost thou desire, Joseph Lake? What dost thou crave?’

  ‘Forgive me for being a bit, familiar, but who am I speaking with? Feel free not to be scary.’

  ‘You lost someone.’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Would thou desire her return?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘A small cost is all we ask.’

  I found myself dithering, tempted. Could I really ask and Chloe would be back? As simple as that?

  ‘Annie. You know her?’

  ‘We know her.’

  ‘I would like to, well, request, or demand—no, demand’s a bit strong—let’s stick with request. I’d like to request that you all stop trying to kill her. Please. Thank you.’ I threw in a bow for good measure.

  ‘Her soul is promised. Promised over and over. She is ours.’

  ‘Well, what if I told you I’m a warlock? A warlock of the Cumbrian Coven, and she’s under my protection?’

  ‘We should say she is in even greater danger.’ There was a noise then that might have been laughter. It made me stagger back a little in fear.

  ‘We will take what is ours. Take it. Eat it. Make it scream. It shall be delicious, the agonies. The music of our world.’

  A sharp cry from above.

  ‘Annie? Annie, what’s wrong?’

  More screams.

  ‘What are you doing to her?’

  ‘Taking what is owed, Magic Eater.’

  I grasped the ladder and left the horrible laughter behind as I did my best to run upwards without slipping.

  ‘Annie!’

  I emerged from the mouth of the well, squinting, the world suddenly turned bright and warm. My clothes were clinging to my skin, either through sweat, or just the clamminess of the bottom of the well, I didn’t know.

  ‘Annie!’

  I couldn’t see her, but a distant scream told me where she was. I hopped off the stone well and ran round the house, to where I’d parked up.

  Annie was in the car.

  A large wolf was throwing itself wildly against the door, trying to get at her.

  Yes, a wolf. Like eagles, you don’t exactly see a lot of wolves. Generally speaking.

  ‘Joe, get back!’ yelled Annie, helpfully drawing the wolf’s attention to my presence.

  It turned, its face a twisted, drool-spitting snarl.

  ‘Now, now,’ I said slowly backing away. ‘Nice doggy. Nice doggy. No need to get upset or tear my throat out.’

  The nice doggy wasn’t the type to be placated it seemed, and the thing sprinted for me. I turned to run, only to trip over my own clumsy feet and send myself crashing to the dirt. I rolled onto my back just in time to see the beast flying through the air towards me, mouth wide.

  ‘Shit!’

  Somehow I caught the thing by the neck as it landed on me, my arms rigid, trying to keep its snapping teeth from making friends with my face.

  ‘Ours!’ it growled. ‘Ours! Ours! Ours!’

  I yelled as I felt my arms weakening, and as I did, I caught the wolf’s rancid, sulphurous breath in my throat. I couldn’t hold on. It was no good. As the wolf’s paws scrabbled at the dirt for purchase, I knew my grip was going to give way at any second, and then it would have my throat out.

  Then the wolf made a high-pitched noise, its face switching from a snarl to surprise, and then it sagged, unconscious, on top of me.

  ‘Holy. Mother. Of shit.’

  I wheezed as I rolled the thing off, and found a wide-eyed Annie staring down at me, the lock to the Uncanny Wagon’s steering wheel gripped, knuckle-white, in her hands.

  14

  It turned out that Annie had been telling the truth all along. Without a doubt. One-hundred percent.

  She’d sold her soul, multiple times, and now a bunch of pissed off demons were vying to claim her spirit as their own.

  I took her to my flat, which I thought would be a safe place for her to hide out now that Eva had covered the place in protection spells. I gave my wolf-slobber coated face a good scrubbing, then headed for the coven. I needed to get Eva on this, as I obviously had no idea how I was going to get Annie out of her fatal predicament.

  Not that I told her that, of course.

  I assured her all would be well. Demons? No big deal. Just another Wednesday in my line of work.

  I parked up and made my way down the blind alley that hid the coven from prying eyes.

  ‘What?’ said Eva, not looking up from the bong she was huffing god knows what from.

  ‘Why does your bong look like you fashioned it from a human skull?’

  ‘Because I’m fucking metal, that’s why. Now get on with whatever it was you came here for so we can get back to
you not being here.’

  ‘It’s about Annie. She came to me for help. She’s got a bunch of demons trying to kill her to get at her soul.’

  Eva inhaled, then offered the bong my way. ‘Get in on this, it’ll put hair on your frigging eyeballs.’

  ‘As nice as that sounds, I think I’ll pass.’

  ‘Pussy.’

  ‘Thank you.’

  ‘Sold her soul, eh? What a prick. Complete prick behaviour, that.’

  ‘I don’t think she’s a prick. She seems nice.’

  ‘Yes, but you’re a prick too, so you would think that.’

  ‘Oh, charming.’

  ‘Has she or has she not sold herself to multiple demons who are now scrabbling to off her so they can be the one to claim her everlasting soul?’

  ‘Well, sure, yes.’

  ‘What a prick.’

  ‘Okay, fine, she’s a prick and she did something stupid, but we have to help. We can’t just let them kill her.’

  ‘Yeah we can, we can easily do that. Really easily. Look how easily I’m doing exactly that, right now.’

  ‘What?’

  Eva took another mighty hit on her bong, then collapsed back and let the—somehow—purple smoke drift out of her head’s exit holes.

  ‘Hey, idiot, we should order takeaway! Pizza! Pizza, pizza, pizza, pizza, pizza. That’s a funny word. Pizza. Pizza. Double Z. Not many double Z words.’

  She broke out in a full body laugh attack that took almost three minutes to end.

  ‘Are you done?’ I asked.

  Eva nodded. ‘Hey, what happened to that pizza you were going on about, love? I am famished.’

  ‘Eva! Focus! There’s a woman in danger, isn’t this what we’re all about?’

  ‘Normally, yeah. But she sold her soul to a demon. To lots of demons. Those contracts are locked up tight. There’s no wiggling out of them. You can’t take them back. What’s theirs is theirs. Whatever we do, whatever magic we try, it’ll only, at best, delay things. Sooner or later, your prick of a pal is going to get what’s coming to her, and one lucky demon is going to get her rancid soul to use as a punch bag for the rest of eternity.’

  ‘Shit. Shit it.’

  ‘But there is some good news.’

  ‘Good news? Okay, good news is good, hit me with it.’

  ‘I just remembered I have three slices of leftover pizza in the fridge! Pizza, pizza!’