Uncanny Kingdom: An Eleven Book Urban Fantasy Collection (Uncanny Kingdom Omnibus 1)

by David Bussell

  Another noise, a shuffling.

  ‘Fox, is that you in there?’

  I walked slowly toward the mouth of the alley. This wasn’t of the magical, blind variety. This was your common or garden, rubbish-strewn sliver, tucked between two buildings. A likely spot for a man caught short, or for someone to do something not exactly above board, out of sight of any passersby.

  ‘Hey, Mr Fox, it’s me. You know, the saviour.’

  I took a couple of steps into the alley, squinting to adjust to the drop in visibility.

  Movement just ahead, by the large, rusted bins.

  ‘Hello?’

  Was that fur? I was sure I could see fur poking up over the lip of the bin.

  ‘It is you! You’re not usually so reticent to shoot your mouth off,’ I said, relaxing as I walked forward.

  As it turned out, relaxing was a mistake.

  What I saw when I looked behind the bin was not a fox stood on its hind legs, a Roman military helmet perched upon its head. What I saw was a rat.

  A big rat.

  A rat the size of a large family dog.

  Its yellow eyes were fixed to mine. Large, jagged teeth dripping with saliva chattered in my direction.

  I’m no expert when it comes to rats, but I was fairly certain that what I was seeing was somewhat on the impossibly large side.

  I began to slowly back away from the thing, my stomach churning. ‘There, there,’ I said, as the rat thrashed its thick tail back and forth, ‘no need to, you know, sink those disgusting teeth of yours into my neck or anything.’

  ‘Ours!’ hissed the giant rat.

  I stopped in surprise. ‘I beg your pardon?’

  ‘Ours! Ours! Ours!’

  Oh. And ah. And oh shit.

  One of the demons was trying to call in the debt.

  I turned to bolt from the alley and back into the street only to pull up short, almost falling over my feet as I forced my body to suddenly stop moving forward. The entrance to the alley now had three more oversized rats sat in it, blocking my escape.

  ‘Ours!’ they said as one. ‘Ours! Ours! Ours!’

  Rats to the front of me, a rat to the side, all ready to rip me apart so a demon could reach in and pluck out my soul. Well, balls to that.

  I turned and ran to the other end of the alley, the heavy footed rats thundering across the cobbles after me, screaming their claim on me over and over.

  Of course the alley lead only to a dead end.

  Of course.

  ‘Shit! Shit it!’

  I turned, my back pressed against the crumbling brickwork. It wasn’t even a wall I could scrabble over, it was a three storey building. No sign of a window to smash my way through. I was trapped, and the rats knew it. All four of them had stopped their hurry and now slowly, oh so slowly, padded toward me, their long nails scraping across the ground, relishing my fear. No need to rush now that my end was inevitable.

  I held out my hand, palm up, trying to ignore how much it was trembling, and tried to think hot thoughts.

  ‘Come on, come on, I’m magic, very magic, it’s time to actually do some shitting magic!’

  The rats chittered, apparently amused, as I tried to wriggle my way out of my untimely end. They were moments away from rushing me, sinking their rotten teeth into my flesh, spilling my blood across the black cobbles.

  ‘Ours! Ours!’

  ‘Come on, hot thoughts, fire, flames, come on!’

  I strained, I gritted my teeth, but nothing was happening. It wasn’t going to work.

  I heard a low chuckle that made me feel as though the ground was about to disappear and I would fall, fall, fall. It wasn’t a natural chuckle.

  I could see a shape near the mouth of the alley. An indistinct, grey shape against the black. It moved slowly, step by step, closer and closer

  It was the demon. The one responsible for these rats. It must have been. It was here, ready, eager, enjoying its victory. It had won and my soul would be his, and not any of the other demons who Annie had promised hers to.

  The magic wasn’t happening. This was it. Come in, Joseph Lake, Janto the warlock, Magic Eater, your time is up. Apart from the time I was going to spend being tormented in Hell, anyway.

  I shifted and something metal attached to the wall on my right glinted in the moonlight. A metal ladder. A fire escape. A Joseph escape!

  No time to consider what to do next – I ran and leapt for the bottom rung of the ladder. There was no way the rats would be able to make the leap up to follow. It would have worked too, if it wasn’t for my lousy, some would say non-existent, upper-body strength.

  I dangled from the ladder, legs bicycling through thin air as I strained to pull myself up. The rats screeched as they pogoed into the air, teeth scraping at my boots. I kicked them away, straining at the ladder, urging myself on. My whole body was shaking, limp as wet lettuce. I wasn’t going to make it.

  No! I refused to die in some Keswick back alley. One more push would do it. I was so close. Just a little higher and I’d be out of there. Come on, Joseph! You can do this!

  Except I really couldn’t.

  My aching, sweaty fingers finally lost purchase, and I fell to the ground below, cracking the back of my skull on a cobble. Stars exploded in my head, dancing among the very real ones that shone down from the night sky.

  Foiled.

  Cause of death: Massive rats and lack of a gym membership.

  I could hear the demon laughing, no longer a chuckle, now an unhinged screech of hysterics. It was a sound that pissed me right off.

  I sat up, grimacing, touching the damp area on the back of my head, hair slick with blood.

  ‘Fuck you,’ I said. ‘Fuck you right up the fucker.’

  And then, without forcing it, without thinking about what I was doing at all, I reached out both hands and flames burst from them, rolling down the alley, filling it, burning the screaming rats to black ash.

  23

  I awoke, head throbbing, eyes gummed and bleary, tongue replaced with a sheet of sandpaper.

  How I’d made it home was a mystery. I looked at my phone. It was midday already. I sat up, happy to discover that I’d placed a glass of water next to the bed, and downed the lot of it. Water had never tasted so good.

  I tenderly touched the back of my head. The hair was a little matted with blood. There was a gash there too, but my tender probing suggested it wouldn’t need stitches. So that was good.

  I stood, a little wobbly, and staggered to the shower, letting the water run a little colder than usual as it bashed some life into me.

  I’d done that.

  Magic.

  The demon sent a pack of giant rats to take me down, and I’d messed those suckers up with flames that shot from my hands. I looked down at them. They didn’t look any different, but I knew better.

  Eva hadn’t helped me that time, that had been all me. I’d created fire from nothing. I couldn’t help but feel a little, well, hugely bloody thrilled. That’s what I was, what I really was; a witch, a warlock. And I had, off my own back, without help, made magic happen.

  Maybe, soon, I’d be able to do it whenever I wanted. Whenever I needed.

  I dried, dressed, and grabbed a bowl of Rice Krispies. Eva had left me a text, reminding me that we’d agreed to pay Elga and her Kin another visit that night. Hopefully, she had some kind of a plan, as the group I’d seen scraps of in the jumble of old memories were absolutely not going to be a pushover, flamey hands or no flamey hands.

  The most pressing matter on my mind was not the stone circle though, or the previous night’s magical outburst, nor even the fact that I had several demons after my soul. No, the most important thing on my mind was Chloe. I had to find a way to get back to the Dark Lakes, and sharpish. For all I knew, it was already too late.

  With that in mind, one of the first things I did after I arrived at Carlisle Hospital for my shift, was make a beeline for the bathroom and look in the mirror. She’d never appeared when I
wanted her to, Chloe had always surprised me by suddenly just being there, but I had to try and find out how she was doing. The last time, in the bathroom mirror at Mickey Finn’s, she hadn’t looked good at all.

  I checked all of the stalls were empty, then went to the mirror. All I saw was me looking back.

  ‘Chloe? Chloe, are you there? Can you hear me?’

  I asked for another ten minutes, but there was no sign of her.

  As my shift came to an end, and the sky was starting to darken, I made my way to Annie’s bedside to pay a visit.

  ‘Hey, well look who’s looking at least eighty percent better,’ I said as I pulled a chair over and sat by the bed. It was true, she looked so much more alive, so much brighter than I’d seen her before.

  ‘Joe! I was starting to think you’d forgotten about me.’

  ‘What, the woman who I recently rather heroically, some might say stupidly, took a death sentence from? No chance.’

  Annie’s smile dropped and I realised what a stupid thing that had been to say. In my defence, I made a habit of saying stupid things.

  ‘It’s okay,’ I said, in my best cheery voice, ‘you didn’t make me do anything I didn’t want to.’

  Looking at Annie closer now, it really was remarkable how quickly her banged up body was healing.

  ‘I know what you’re thinking,’ she said, touching the cheek that had looked bruised the last time I saw her, ‘that was one of the things I sold my soul for. I was eight and fed up that I kept getting sick, so I went down the well and asked that from then on I’d get better faster. Heal quickly.’

  ‘Why didn’t you just ask never to get sick or hurt?’

  ‘That’s exactly what a more forward-thinking eight-year-old would have done. But then a more forward-thinking person wouldn’t have sold their soul to a bunch of demons.’

  ‘You make a good point, Annie.’

  ‘How’s it been?’ she asked, trying to smile, even if her eyes looked a little watery.

  ‘Great. Well, nothing deadly, yet,’ I said, choosing not to bring up the previous night’s giant rat assault.

  ‘Are you lying to me, Joe?’

  ‘Never.’

  She stared at me, willing me to break, but I held firm.

  ‘Any luck getting rid of the debt, yet?’

  ‘I’ve been busy with some killer stones, but it’s next on my list. Well, next to next on my list.’

  ‘What could be more important than making sure a demon doesn’t kill you?’

  ‘Normally I would agree with you, but I’m in the habit of putting myself in the sniper’s scope for women in distress, and I’ve got another one on the docket. The difference this time is it’s my fault, and I need to right that wrong.’

  Don’t I sound noble as all hell?

  ‘Who are you trying to impress?’ said Annie.

  ‘The girl. Myself. It does mean potentially doing something very, very dumb though.’

  ‘Dumber than making yourself the target of a demon hunt?’

  ‘Yeah, I think so. No one could ever accuse me of being smart, eh?’

  Annie laughed, ‘Maybe not. But kind. I think I could accuse you of that, right enough.’

  Talking with Annie had cheered me up a little. Seeing the good I’d done distracted me from how stupid it had been, and how I was likely going to do something off the scale stupid.

  If only I could get a hold of that bloody fox.

  Of course I found him waiting for me in the passenger seat of the Uncanny Wagon.

  ‘All hail the saviour!’

  ‘Where were you last night?’ I asked, starting up the engine and pulling out of the hospital car park.

  ‘Last night? Time has no place in the Dark Lakes. Day and night, no such thing.’

  ‘How do you know when you’re supposed to sleep?’

  ‘I dunno. When you are tired?’

  ‘Makes sense. So why are you here now?’

  ‘You called, I came.’

  ‘I called about sixteen hours ago, before a bunch of massive mutant rats attacked me.’

  ‘Eh?’

  ‘Never mind,’ I said, sighing. ‘Listen, I have a question for you.’

  ‘I may answer. I may not,’ replied the fox, with a haughty sniff. ‘I am not your answer fox.’

  ‘How amenable is the Red Woman when it comes to granting favours?’

  The fox looked at me with an extremely confused look upon its furry face. He then, rather annoyingly, burst into great gales of laughter. The kind of laughter that makes tears run down your cheeks. Or in this case, wet the fur of your cheeks.

  ‘You know that’s pretty obnoxious?’ I said.

  ‘Favour? Is that what you have asked me?’

  ‘I take it that the answer is, “Not at all”, right?’

  ‘What kind of favour would you even ask of her?’ he said, the fit of laughter at last breaking.

  ‘I want to bring someone back from the dead,’ I replied.

  24

  I pulled up close to the location of Elga and her Kin, Eva and Maya were waiting by Maya’s car. I waved and walked over.

  ‘So, what is it we’re hoping to do tonight?’ I asked.

  Eva was sipping from a can of cheap lager, I wondered for a moment where she got all the money to pay for her endless supply of booze and tobacco. I also wondered if she was ever actually completely sober.

  ‘We continue the investigation that I’m in charge of,’ replied Maya. ‘Tonight we’re going to ask the suspect a few questions.’

  ‘Suspect?’ I replied. ‘They’re a bit more than suspect.’

  ‘Procedure,’ said Maya. ‘We follow this properly and assume nothing until we have the facts.’

  ‘Fair enough.’

  I was going to ask a few how’s and what’s when I was interrupted by Eva, who coughed and spluttered, the beer firing out of her nostrils in a very unladylike manner.

  ‘Woah there,’ said Maya, patting Eva on the back.

  ‘You,’ said Eva, pointing at me.

  ‘Yes, it’s me. Hello.’

  Eva waggled a pointy finger at me. ‘You did magic, didn’t you?’

  ‘How do you…?’

  ‘How do I know? I can see it on you. I can smell it!’

  ‘Well, I suppose I might have done a bit of magic.’

  ‘Is that something to celebrate?’ asked Maya. ‘I feel like it’s something we’re supposed to be celebrating.’

  ‘Firey hands, wasn’t it?’ asked Eva. ‘A bit of the old pew-pew!’ Eva mimed firing off twin guns into the air, actual flames exploding like bullets from her fingertips.

  This was the first time I’d seen Eva actually being pleased for me. It was almost as disconcerting as talking to a demon at the bottom of a well.

  Almost.

  ‘Yup, still not sure how I did it exactly, but I did.’

  Eva’s face fell a little. ‘Wait, why were you doing firey pew-pew hands?’

  Well, I have a bunch of demons clamouring to claim my soul.

  ‘I was… having a gentleman’s wee, in an alley. A rat startled me and flames shot out.’

  ‘Flames shot out of your…’ Maya nodded at my crotch.

  ‘No! No. Just my hands. Which, thankfully, were not touching my penis at the time.’

  Eva narrowed her eyes at me, it seemed like she wasn’t buying what I was selling, so lucky for me she’s a flighty one and Maya was there to unwittingly nudge her off course.

  ‘Okay, enough small talk, I’m on duty here, which means the both of you are, too.’

  Eva replied with the most sarcastic salute you or anyone else would ever have witnessed. It’s difficult to describe just how devastatingly sarcastic it was, so just take my word for it.

  ‘I have my regulation extendable baton on me,’ said Maya.

  ‘Good, I’ve gone weeks without a solid spanking. Shall we?’ Eva pointed to the location of the still invisible night circle and wandered ahead as Maya looked to me and sighed.


  ‘I hear you… sister?’

  ‘Nuh-uh.’

  ‘Right you are. That didn’t feel good.’

  Suitably chastised, I stepped in beside Maya and we followed on behind Eva.

  ‘So. Magic, huh?’ said Maya. ‘You really did that? On your own?’

  ‘I really did. It’s sort of… exciting, I suppose.’

  ‘You know, the stickler side of me is kinda uneasy about you two.’

  ‘Oh? Is it because we’re such bad-arses?’

  Maya rolled her eyes. It was well deserved.

  ‘You two are basically unlicensed firearms. Not to mention vigilantes. If I go by the book. And I’ve always been a big fan of the book.’

  ‘I’ve got a book for you,’ said Eva over her shoulder. ‘It’s called Let Eva Do What The Fuck She Wants, But Feel Free To Arrest The Idiot. It’s a page-turner and a half, that one. Rave reviews in all the posh press.’

  ‘What I’m saying is, I’m allowing you both to do what you are doing, because it needs to be done and it’s an area the police can’t walk into. But I want you to know that I’m allowing it, and I set the boundaries.’

  ‘Right. Got it. Understood,’ I replied.

  ‘Good.’

  ‘Is it wrong that I like it when you’re stern?’

  ‘I also have a taser on me.’

  ‘Oi!’ said Eva, waving us forward. ‘It’s starting!’

  We caught up to see the stone circle shimmer into sight once again.

  ‘Yep,’ said Maya, ‘that isn’t any less creepy the second time around.’

  ‘So, what’s the ‘plan’, exactly?’ I asked, trying not to have any of the stones in my blind spots for longer than a few seconds at a time.

  ‘The plan is to have a chat, and hopefully blow these fuckers up,’ said Eva. ‘It’s a pretty solid plan, yes?’

  We stood in silence for almost twenty seconds, looking at the stones. Nothing much happened. Or, to put it another way, nothing at all happened. I then heard a soft snoring to my right.

  ‘Did she just fall asleep on us?’ said Maya, not turning to look.

  Eva was, indeed, asleep. Stood upright, can still gripped in one hand.

  ‘Eva?’ I said, tentatively.