Uncanny Kingdom: An Eleven Book Urban Fantasy Collection (Uncanny Kingdom Omnibus 1)

by David Bussell

  She took a seat upon the throne and slowly crossed her legs, her fingers gripping the chair arms. ‘Because you wanted to know what true power felt like. What it meant to be a god.’

  Well, didn’t Janto the warlock sound like an overreaching piece of poop.

  The fox nudged me with his axe. ‘I told her your wants,’ he said.

  ‘Oh, a warlock who wants. Déjà vu, yes?’ said the Red Woman.

  ‘There’s a woman. A dead woman. Or a maybe dead woman. I killed her, or maybe did, it’s all a bit confusing, but she’s talking to me. In mirrors.’

  ‘In mirrors?’ repeated the Red Woman.

  ‘Yeah. Bit mad, I know, and no one else seems to see her, but I think she’s real and I want to help her.’

  ‘I see. You believe her to be trapped between realms? Between life and death? Between this short, ugly life and the next?’

  ‘Yes. Well, I think so. I’m pretty sure. Seventy percent. Or I’m off my rocker, which is also a distinct possibility.’

  The Red Woman smiled, her teeth almost blinding in their whiteness.

  ‘Is it possible?’ I asked.

  ‘Is what possible?’

  ‘To save her. To save Chloe. If she’s there to be saved, from being between whatever she’s between, can she be saved?’

  The Red Woman stood, ‘She can.’

  My heart gave a little leap for joy. If it had heels, it would have clicked them together. But it didn’t. Because hearts don’t have heels. Or feet, generally.

  ‘Please save Chloe,’ I said, putting it plainly, stepping toward her.

  ‘Me?’ replied the Red Woman, placing her hands to her chest. ‘Oh, no. I don’t have such power.’

  My heart did the exact opposite of what it had just done.

  ‘Oh. Right.’

  Not even the Red Woman could help me. But wait a second… ‘You said she could be saved. Why say that if you can’t save her?’

  ‘Because she can be saved.’

  ‘How?’

  ‘You know how. Whether you’re aware or not, there’s a reason you came back here to ask. And it wasn’t because you thought I would be the one to lend a helping hand.’

  ‘It wasn’t?’

  The Red Woman stepped toward me, resting her arms on my shoulders and lacing her fingers behind my head. ‘No. It wasn’t.’

  ‘Then… why was it?’ I asked, trying not to look into those sparkling green eyes of hers, which was difficult to do when we were practically touching noses.

  ‘Because you remember what it was you once wanted. You remember the power that the Dark Lakes has for you. A power that can slay demons, turn all-powerful death cults to ash, and pluck the dead from the veil of shadows and back into the world of the living. Your power.

  ‘Magic Eater,’ said the fox.

  Of course. Here I was again, with a choice to make. A power to resist or embrace. I suppose I’d hoped the Red Woman could help, but at the back of my mind, hidden there so I wouldn’t look too closely, was the only real option. I’d felt that power. Felt it burning like a supernova. If I wanted to save Chloe, it meant sitting on that throne.

  ‘You see it now, don’t you?’ said the Red Woman. ‘You see what you could do, if you just accept your destiny. Nothing will ever hurt you. No cult, no demons. You could shrug off their debt as though it were nothing more than a winter scarf, thrown to one side after coming in from the snow.’

  ‘I could,’ I said. I knew it. I walked over to the throne, a hundred rictus death grins smiling at me. I reached out a hand and touched the arm of the throne. It felt softer than I imagined. Warmer. Inviting.

  ‘Become the Magic Eater, at last,’ said the Red Woman, her voice now seeming to be more in my head than my ears. ‘Take your throne, accept your power, and save Chloe Palmer from the hell she is in.’

  I blinked shaking my head, realising I’d turned, placed my hands on the throne arms, and had begun to lower myself into its seat. ‘Wait,’ I said, hopping away from the throne.

  ‘What?’ said the Red Woman, her face momentarily twitching with irritation, an expression I’m very much used to.

  ‘When the stone attacked me, I felt some of the power of the Magic Eater, which means you must have let me, right?’

  The Red Woman didn’t answer.

  ‘I felt that power, it helped me escape. I didn’t have to sit on any throne or accept any destiny. Can you let me taste it again? Just enough to save her?’

  The Red Woman shook her head.

  ‘Please,’ I said, looking to the fox, who looked up to the Red Woman, then turned away.

  ‘Please, I can’t become this monster you want me to be.’

  ‘Monster? So judgemental. You will not be a monster. You will be… magnificent. Glorious. A giant.’

  ‘But I won’t be me. I can’t.’

  The Red Woman shrugged. ‘Then she dies.’

  ‘No!’

  ‘You’re right. She doesn’t die, she’s already dead, by your hand. You think yourself so good, and yet you killed the woman you loved. Now you will leave her in the grip of the demons, phantoms, and hellish creatures that torture her, all because you’re too scared to take up a mantle that you once burned like a star to possess.’

  I looked back at the throne, at the skulls that seemed to be imploring me to take my place.

  ‘Sit! Become the Magic Eater!’

  The Red Woman lunged forward, pushing me back, and then, as I raised my hands to stop her, I touched the Red Woman. My hand gripped her arm and her eyes widened.

  ‘What are you…?’ her voice trailed off and I saw the world around me alter. The air was full of colourful waves now, just like it had been when Eva helped me access my magic days earlier. I saw it, I saw the magic that surrounded me, and without thinking, without needing to know how, I pulled the magic into me. The waves rippled and flowed into my body, through my arm, through my hand that gripped the Red Woman’s arm… and I saw the truth.

  I was in my car, the Uncanny Wagon, looking at Chloe in the rear view mirror, only now I saw it wasn’t Chloe at all.

  I was at Carlisle Hospital, staring in the mirror of one of the bathrooms, Chloe wide-eyed, terrified, reaching out to me, imploring me to rescue her.

  And it wasn’t Chloe.

  Over and over, each time she had come to me, I saw the truth.

  I saw the Red Woman reaching out towards me.

  I saw the lie.

  ‘No!’

  The Red Woman pushed me away from her and the spell broke, the magic waves fading from view as my body shook.

  ‘It was you. Chloe isn’t trapped. She isn’t looking for my help. It’s just you.’ I felt anger rising, knotting my stomach. The Red Woman grimaced, her hands crackling with what looked like black lightning.

  ‘Do not test me, boy,’ she snarled.

  ‘You were trying to trick me. Play on my guilt, on my love for Chloe, to make me sit on your stupid throne.’

  ‘This is your destiny!’

  ‘Then destiny can go fuck itself right in the bottom,’ I replied. Which wasn’t the cool, James Bond style retort you’d hope for in this sort of situation.

  I turned and ran down the red hill.

  ‘You cannot escape your throne, Magic Eater! Fate will always win!’

  I didn’t reply, didn’t look back, just ran. I lost my footing, took a spill, and the flaming sky above me seemed to flash on and off, as though someone was playing with a light switch, as I rolled over and over and—

  —I woke with a start, as though from a dream of falling, on the couch in my flat. I looked around, befuddled, raising a trembling hand to wipe at my damp forehead.

  ‘Shit,’ I said, not liking how spooked my voice sounded.

  My phone was ringing. I pulled it out, Eva’s name glowed at me.

  ‘What is it?’ I asked.

  There was a pause at the other end. I could hear her breath.

  ‘Eva?’

  ‘Malden’s dead,’ she repli
ed.

  27

  As I walked into the dark alleyway, the moon lighting my way, I felt a combination of anger and depression, which, I’m sure you’ll be shocked to discover, was not a pleasing cocktail.

  It had been a lie.

  All of it.

  The Red Woman had given me hope. She’d play-acted as Chloe and made me believe I could save her. Could get her back. Reverse what I’d done to her. Convinced me that Chloe hadn’t been a terrible person after all. She’d been influenced by her dead dad into doing his dirty work. Of course. Of course she had. The Chloe I knew, loved, would never do the things she had done.

  But no.

  It had been a lie. Chloe was the only one to blame for the things she’d done. For the things she’d intended to do until we stopped her.

  Until I stopped her.

  Killed her.

  ‘Well, look at the grim face on this fucker,’ said Eva, turning as she heard me approach.

  ‘We are at a crime scene, Eva,’ replied Maya. ‘It’s not generally the place for happy grins and a swagger in your step.’

  On the ground was what was left of poor, dull Malden. As with the others, his corpse was a shrivelled, dried out thing. An unwrapped mummy.

  People I knew didn’t die before I started to find out about who I really was. There was Chloe, and Detective Sam Samm, and Mrs Coates, and now Malden, too. It seemed like death followed me everywhere these days.

  Perhaps I’d have been better off not knowing. Plain old Joseph Lake, working in a hospital, with no memories of who he really was. That guy was okay. He had a life, a person he liked, and no one was being murdered by people with octopus limbs, or killer standing stones.

  At least, not to the best of my knowledge.

  ‘Eva,’ said Maya. ‘Tell me you have a plan. Some way to make this the last person Elga and her Kin do this to.’

  ‘Oh, yep, totally have a plan.’

  ‘Good,’ replied Maya.

  ‘Yup. Well, not a plan exactly.’

  Maya looked to me, her eyes hooded, and sighed. ‘What do you have then?’

  ‘A bit of a plan.’

  ‘Tell me the bit.’

  ‘A bit may be stretching things a little.’

  ‘What do you have, Eva?’

  Eva frowned and crouched to look closer at poor Malden. ‘What I have is anger.’

  ‘Anger isn’t enough though, is it?’ I replied.

  ‘No, but it’s a bloody good start.’

  ‘Eva,’ said Maya, ‘tomorrow night, someone else is going to die.’

  ‘And the night after that,’ I added.

  ‘And the night after that, until those bastards have enough strength to crawl out of their graves, leave the circle, and do whatever nasty shit they’ve got on their half-decayed brains.’

  ‘Don’t you think I know that?’ said Eva, standing, her eyes blazing.

  ‘Then tell me something,’ replied Maya, not raising her voice, not blinking.

  ‘I’ll find something. I will. There’ll be something in the library, or… there’ll be something.’

  Eva’s eyes momentarily flickered to mine, and they told me everything I needed to know. Eva had no idea about how we were going to stop this. What’s more, she had no hope.

  Well, shit and damn and bugger on top.

  I said my goodbyes, turned, and left them to pick over the crime scene. I just wanted to go home.

  I didn’t make it into work the next day. I sounded so dreary, so defeated, that I didn’t even have to fake a sick voice when I called Big Marge.

  ‘Jesus, you sound worse than shit,’ she said.

  ‘Thanks,’ I replied, and hung up to get back to my busy schedule of curling up on the couch in silence.

  Chloe was dead. She wasn’t coming back.

  We had no way of stopping Elga and her Kin, and I’d never seen Eva look so worried.

  I also had demons coming after me for my soul. I could feel the debt sitting heavy inside of me, like wet concrete. A debt I could only get rid of if someone agreed to take it.

  I had no interest in interacting with the outside world. At least staying inside I felt sort of safe from attack, due to the protections Eva had placed over my flat. I could lie inside, feeling sorry for myself, grieving the pretty-evil-after-all Chloe, and not have to worry about any demon getting at me with his eagles, or wolves, or giant frigging rats.

  I was safe.

  Nothing could get in.

  I heard feet shuffling on the wooden floor boards.

  ‘How did you get in?’ I asked the fox.

  ‘I get in where I needs to,’ he chirped.

  So much for powerful magical protection spells.

  ‘Then you can get right back out again.’

  The fox dithered, teasing nervously at the head of his battle axe.

  ‘What is it?’ I said, sighing.

  ‘Feel… bad.’

  ‘Yes. I feel bad. Now piss off.’

  ‘Not you. Me. Feel bad.’

  I sat up and looked at the fox, who did indeed seem to be looking a little shameful.

  ‘Bad that you got caught?’

  ‘Not my idea. I do as the Red Woman asks. That’s me. That’s my job.’

  I narrowed my eyes. Something wasn’t right here. What was the game this time?

  ‘What’re you trying to do?’ I asked.

  The fox placed a hand to his chest.

  ‘The debt. Your soul. You must get rid of that or you die, yes?’

  ‘Thanks for reminding me, I’d quite forgotten my soul is promised to a bunch of demons. Funny the things that slip your mind, eh?’

  ‘I do what I do for selfish reasons.’

  ‘You want to die to join your partner.’

  I looked at him, a little astonished, as his eyes welled up and tears began to dampen the fur on his face.

  ‘What are you doing?’ I said. ‘Stop that. I can’t stand to see a fox crying, it makes me very uncomfortable.’

  ‘I work for the Red Woman because I must,’ he said. ‘My destiny is to rejoin my partner.’

  ‘And what’s my destiny?’

  ‘You know, Magic Eater.’

  ‘Well, good luck persuading me of that one, foxy.’

  ‘She does not know I am here,’ he said.

  ‘Why should I believe that? Why should I believe anything that you say?’

  The fox shrugged, ‘Because it’s true. I tell the truth. I am here on my own, and I wish to help you, Magic Eater.’

  ‘Fine. Help me how, exactly?’

  And so we spoke further, and I decided to do something very, very stupid.

  But then when didn’t I?

  28

  The sky was starting to darken as I pulled to a stop in the Uncanny Wagon and looked out over the green of the Lake District.

  ‘Right then.’

  My phone buzzed again, Eva. It was the fifth time she’d tried calling since I’d messaged her and Maya to come and meet me at the night circle.

  At the site where Elga and her Kin lurked, growing stronger with each passing night.

  I rejected the call, stepped out of the car, and started to make my way toward the location of the circle. The sun had almost dipped below the horizon and I could already see a faint smattering of pin prick stars above me.

  I might be about to die.

  I was willingly putting my head into the lion’s jaws just to see what would happen.

  Part of me was poop the bed terrified, another part—the grieving part, the angry part—wasn’t worried at all.

  The stones were beginning to shimmer into view.

  I rested my hand against one. It was strange to feel something that looked like a flickering image have such solidity beneath my fingers.

  I felt my phone buzz again and pulled it out. A message from Eva: Don’t do anything stupid, stupid!

  I smiled and messaged back: Since when have I done anything else?

  I looked up at the moon, shining down on me
like a polished coin.

  The circle was complete. Solid. Ready to send one of its number out into the surrounding area to find a new person to murder and drain of their power. The stone would return to its place and feed that power, that strength, to the bodies that lay beneath the ground. The cult trapped in an undead state in this circle by me, by my coven, hundreds of years ago.

  I rapped my knuckles against the standing stone. ‘Knock, knock. Janto the warlock, witch of the Cumbrian Coven, will see you now.’

  Janto the warlock. Janto the Witch. That was me. And here I was, doing what I was supposed to do. Putting myself in harm’s way.

  The air was still, not a sound.

  ‘I said Janto the warlock will see you now!’ I screamed, my voice cracking. I could feel my pain in that cry. The grief. The anger.

  A hand reached up from the dirt a few stones over. The same stone Eva had peed in front of the previous night. Elga was answering my unannounced drop-in. I stepped back, out of the circle itself.

  ‘Sorry if you were having a lie in,’ I said, ‘but this really can’t wait.’

  Her head emerged, her shoulders, and then she dragged herself fully into view, her scarlet robe fluttering in the breeze. ‘Janto,’ she hissed, her voice like leaves blowing across a crypt floor.

  ‘Yup, that’s me, apparently. Janto the witch. The ancient magical bad arse that sentenced you to live like a worm for centuries. How’s tricks?’

  I was vamping, trying to hide my fear, as all around the circle, other hands began to break the surface. The rest of this zombie death cult dragging their decaying bodies into the night air.

  ‘Must be good to get up and stretch your dead bones every now and again, eh?’ I said.

  Elga snapped her fingers together, and all thirty stones twisted to face me. Which was scary as hell, make no mistake.

  ‘Why do you come here again?’ she asked. ‘Do you wish to die?’

  ‘Maybe,’ I replied.

  ‘We could… accommodate that.’

  I stepped closer, heart beating so hard it felt as though it might crack my ribcage. ‘Do you know what I am?’

  ‘You are a witch,’ replied Elga.

  I smiled and shook my head.

  ‘No, not just a witch. Do you have any idea of the power I have access to now? The magic that I could give to you?’