Once Burned

by Jennifer Willows

  If you can’t be bold with him, then who can you be bold with?

  “I meant what I said. But I while I refuse to lower what we have together to mere sex, I am more than willing to make love.”

  Juniper opened her mouth to dispute his statement.

  “And before you say anything, I want to when the time is right.”

  She had to wonder if he was pulling some astrological sign from thin air. “The moon in the wrong phase? Is it that time of the month, Spencer?”

  Juniper said it as a joke, but it fell flat as Spencer seemed less than amused.

  “I’m not dignifying that with a response.”

  She looked at him, hoping vainly that her wry sense of humor hadn’t turned him off altogether.

  “Sorry.”

  “For what?”

  “I didn’t mean to offend you.”

  “I’m far from offended, Juniper. You know that I’m trying to respect you as best as I can. If I had no regard for you, none at all, we wouldn’t even have this conversation. If this was a game, and all I wanted was the thrill of the chase, I wouldn’t be here right now. I’d be with some other woman for the night. At best I’d call you when I thought about you to see if you changed your mind.” He took a breath and ran his fingers stiffly into the locks at his forehead.

  The red hair skewed upwards at odds with the rest of his polished person.

  “But instead, I’m trying to get to know you, to understand you better. Have you understand me better. I want you to accept more than my cock, I want you to accept all of me, quirks included. The same way I accept you.”

  “You’re right. I’m just making this about myself and what I want. It’s just that I’ve been so used to being on my own and only accountable to myself. Kinda hard to take others into account. Forgive me?”

  “I’ll always forgive you Juniper.” He seemed serious when he said it as if it was that easy.

  Of course she had to test that theory. It was nice to say something, to even mean something, but the reality was usually far different than the expectations before it. “Even if I cheated on you?”

  “Even then.”

  “How?”

  “Forgiveness is free. Who am I to withhold something that costs me nothing to give?”

  “There’s a price to forgiving.”

  “How so?”

  “I couldn’t forgive my ex when he did it to me. He hurt me, Spencer and in a way that I can’t just forget.”

  “You should.” He spoke as if the pain were in the present, instead of in the past.

  “I couldn’t. I tried. But everything was a reminder of what he had done to me and our children and I hated him. Despised and detested him.”

  “All creatures have failings. To not indulge in sin is to take on the divine. When you decided to hold on to the pain of the past, you forced the universe to only bring you more reminders of it. That’s is the purpose of the universe. It is only a mirror, nothing more. What we see, is what we get. Only the reflection of those thoughts are magnified by emotions.”

  “That’s true, I would suppose.”

  He cupped her chin. “Not supposition, fact. It’s natural to fear pain, but pain brings growth. As children get older, their bodies stretch to accommodate their adult forms, right?”

  “Yeah, they call it growing pains.”

  “Exactly. The pain is just a byproduct of the growing process. Our spiritual and emotional growth is exactly the same.”

  Juniper could feel the ring of truth in his words. She had felt so much… lighter since she had cast the pain of being abandoned by her ex-husband to the wind. But was she ready to completely forget the moment that had defined her adulthood?

  It had been ten years carrying baggage that she should have thrown aside long before.

  She was sick of watching everything pass by in a blur and she had no real relationships to show for all of her hard labors in life. She had her children, yes. And she had things. But she had no one to share those snapshots with. They all went into a mental album that only she cared to look at.

  And for the first time, she had someone that wanted her to make space for them, someone she wanted in her space. Worse yet, her response was to push him away.

  Juniper’s unnatural reaction?

  Cry.

  She did her best to dry her eyes, sniffing delicately through her sinuses and diverted her gaze from his understanding.

  Somehow he just knew.

  Knew everything. He might not have a blow by blow, but he didn’t need one. She could see that he was aware of the pain that lay beneath her placid veneer, five year plan, hectic schedule and simple life.

  But when she darted her gaze heavenward, Spencer smiled.

  It wasn’t one of joy, or happiness. It was a smile that said, “been there, done that, got the T shirt”, an ironic cant of lips that didn’t offer pity, but commiseration.

  That was when the dam burst free on her tear ducts and a stream of salted sorrow emerged.

  There was no way to stop herself and Juniper’s shoulders shuddered. She sat atop Spencer’s lap, tears streaming silently down her cheeks. She wanted to look away from him, turn her face so that he couldn’t see her pain. But he wouldn’t let her. He never took his eyes from hers, even after she closed them and let the water works have their way, when she opened her lids he was there. Absorbing all of the hurt she carried. Even when she assumed ten years had reduced her caravan of issues into a more manageable package, she had deluded herself.

  She still hurt from the deception and the lies and the pain and cheating and the—what?

  Everything.

  Juniper had only packed her caravan into a vacuum sealed bag.

  And Spencer had ripped the seal away with his caring.

  Juniper had no idea when she stopped sobbing. She only knew that she became aware again, as if the liquid mourning had lifted blinders from her eyes.

  Her face was clean oddly enough.

  And she had no idea when that happened.

  But a glance south revealed a stained ecru handkerchief, wadded until nearly unrecognizable on the floor next to his feet.

  He rubbed his hands over the exposed skin of her arms and legs. The movements were sensual, but brisk, and she knew he touched her for comfort only. Not seduction.

  But she felt seduced anyway.

  She felt…

  Better.

  Juniper sighed. “It seems like I’m doomed to keep apologizing. But I am sorry.”

  “Don’t be.”

  “I feel like I should be ashamed of myself.”

  “Because of the tears?”

  “Yes.”

  “It only makes you more beautiful in my eyes than any woman alive or dead could ever be.”

  Juniper’s throat contracted and she couldn’t speak to save her life.

  So she kissed him.

  At first, she pressed her lips to his, a way of offering thanks. But it transformed within the first few seconds to something more. It wasn’t a hungry clash of mouths like before, but a tender soulful kiss, one she felt zip from head to toe and back again. Too deep to describe, as if he kissed her to taste her essence, the real woman beneath the skin and superficial.

  Spencer had sipped her silly and silent long before she could even think to deny him. If he had no plans of assuaging the need inside of her with a long ride on his hard member, she needed to stop him. Before she got too excited to stop herself from asking for more than he was willing to give.

  Again, that is.

  Chapter 6: Joyful Intimacy

  But when she reminded herself of the alternative, of not having this at all, she would rather take the torture of being sexually aroused than to go without. His lips were still taunting hers, a nip of flesh here and there that only made her respond in kind.

  When he lifted his mouth from hers, Juniper saw stars. And not the metaphorical variety either, literal stars, as if the sky had finally chosen to reveal the glory it held within. But that
wasn’t the case. She knew all of the changes had come from inside herself. She had been offered a new perspective and a nifty new set of rose colored glasses as accompaniment.

  “Juniper, kissing you is like taming fire.” Spencer licked his lower lip, as if he could still taste her there.

  “I think I know exactly what you mean.” The merger of oral exploration was a juvenile precept at first glance. But no mere child could kiss the way this man did.

  It was just a kiss.

  Wasn’t it?

  Spencer rubbed his hands over her shoulders. “I have always wanted to try something, and I think you’ll like it.”

  “And what might that be?”

  “You are a curious one aren’t you?”

  Juniper chuckled weakly. “Not usually.” Curiosity killed the cat, and the one time she allowed her inquisitiveness to get the best of her she got pregnant.

  Spencer smiled and she felt the trail of his fingers along her spine, the thin fabric did nothing to dilute the spark of pleasure that sprang forth at his touch. Even now, his hands were didn’t touch her in the obvious places. He hadn’t snuck in a brush along the mound of her breasts. He hadn’t taken off a single stitch and yet, she was more needy than she had ever been for her sole lover and ex-spouse during full on intercourse.

  “I’ll give you a hint.”

  “Okay, I’ll bite.”

  He wagged his eyebrows. “Yabyum.” What the hello was a yab-a-yumm? “That doesn’t likely mean anything right now, but if you want I can show you.”

  “You mean I’m finally going to get to see your etchings?”

  They both chuckled. “Nope. But you’ll like it almost as much.”

  As she discovered just fifteen minutes later, he was once again, correct.

  Spencer escorted her back inside the privacy of his home, several thoughts popped into her mind unbidden.

  The first was that her ex was a selfish man who only wanted to blow his load in the dark.

  The second? By the time she would have realized that there was more to sex than a little thrusting and grunting, she was firmly ensconced in the life being of a single mother.

  Colds, vomiting, temper tantrums and a few other trials along the way.

  But there were just as many moments that she felt as her chest puffed out like a mother hen watching her chicks leave the nest.

  Her son being accepted to college.

  Her daughter learning how to put on makeup.

  Good grades and knee scrapes.

  Paris being named on the student council at the age of six.

  And the third? She had forgotten what it meant to be a woman in the prime of her life.

  Really, she never had a chance to know what that meant.

  What it meant to want.

  What it meant to need.

  The best part?

  The idea of actually having what she secretly wanted and truly needed being offered without strings or hesitation. Hell, her last marriage was started with a shotgun and ended with a bang, so the idea that a man was not only willing but antsy over her was a new concept.

  Spencer was more hung up on the idea of being a couple than she was.

  When they were back inside, he didn’t take the stairs to the lower portion of his apartment. Instead, he walked to the bedroom closest to them and slid the screen to one side. It was a shoji type screen, made from carved bamboo and rattan with intricate carvings along the borders. When she walked inside of the space he flicked the switch and the room flooded with welcome light. It wasn’t much as the room was still dim, but enough that her eyes were able to adjust with little squinting.

  It was perfect.

  His intimate space spoke volumes about the man she had allowed to meet her family. It was filled with masculine comfort and though simple, the space was well put together. His bed was a large king that rested atop a small platform with a large drawer along the side and no headboard to speak of. In its place, there was a huge painting that was an abstract swirl of teal, white and coffee that made her think of frothy ocean water.

  The room was predominantly neutral, the walls were a subtle gravel color that reminded her of the cliffs in New England. The bed was covered with several earth tone pillows, the rich terra cotta of pottery, another in a muddy hue, the last one reminded her of sand, and all were oversized.

  Man pillows.

  It was a peaceful space. But the owner was a peaceful man, so it shouldn’t have been a revelation.

  Spencer strode to the opposing wall and opened a closet where he pulled out what appeared to be two lengths of fabric. He slid off his shoes then walked back to her.

  “Take off everything but your underwear and put this on when you’re done. I’ll change in the other bathroom.”

  Juniper watched him leave, although he left the screen open. She was a bit nervous and wondered what was supposed to come next.

  But having him ask her to get undressed could only be a good thing.

  Right?

  She hoped so.

  Juniper had no idea what to do with her clothes as she untied the strap of her dress. But she slid them off, allowed the jersey knit fall to the floor accompanied by her bra. Then she tugged the silken robe over each arm. The sleeves were overly long, and draped over her hands. The belt was nearly a foot wide and too long as well. She had no idea what to do with all of the extra fabric and she rolled the sleeves up then tied the belt in a fat bow.

  When Spencer padded back into the room, she had her discarded clothes in her hands.

  “Let me.” He stuck one hand out.

  She gave him the clothes, but he looked at her instead of doing anything with them.

  “Are you going to put those away?” She asked, for something to break the silence and stillness that had taken over the room.

  It seemed like she had even stopped breathing in those long moments, his eyes caressed her. It wouldn’t astonish her if he knew what every part of her under the heavy robe looked like.

  Despite the too large sizing and the extra fabric.

  “I should, shouldn’t I?” He said, but it seemed to her as if the statement was more of a reminder to himself than response.

  When he walked to the closet she watched him separate a hanger from the wall and deftly slip her dress on the shoulders before topping the anchor shaped arm with the straps of her bra.

  It only took seconds before he sat down in the middle of the bed, legs crossed at the ankles. “Juniper, come here.”

  She licked her lips and hoped she was about to have the time of her life.

  “Okay.” But when she tried to kneel in front of him, he shook his head.

  “Sit on my lap, facing me.” She did, awkwardly, but after a few shifts of knees and feet she finally accomplished what he’d asked of her.

  “Remember when we sat outside together just a little bit ago?”

  “Of course.”

  “In the west, this is called couples position. But in India, this is called yabyum and is used as a way to connect in intercourse, meditate or make love.”

  “Intercourse?” Her voice was an embarrassing squeak and nothing like the sultry tone she’d hoped for.

  He grinned wickedly. “Yeah, we’ll get into that later.”

  “Humph.”

  “To start, we want to synchronize breathing for at least fifteen minutes. We are going to become mirrors essentially. You follow me and I will follow you.”

  He placed one of his hands over her heart and another enfolded her at the lowest part of her back, where her rounded buttocks began.

  “This is the root chakra.” He flexed his fingers as a reminder and she placed her palm in the same place on his body.

  When she complied, he took the hand from her heart and placed it just above the other on the flex of her spine.

  “Yabyum is masculine feminine. The yab is the male energy and represents compassion and the female energy is the yum, representing wisdom or insight. The only goal is to be in tune and
as one.”

  “Spencer, why does that sound complicated?”

  “The simplest concepts are the most complex. Ready?”

  “Yeah I think I am.”

  “Let your mind become still Juniper. Think of it as an undisturbed pool of water. And conscious thoughts are rocks that create ripples on the surface.”

  Juniper shook her head. “Why is everything about water with you?”

  “Because water is the perfect mediational tool. It is pure, clean, and can take on all forms. When it is frozen, it becomes solid, can become gas and evaporate into the air we breathe. Water is capable of transformation and as humans we contain more water than anything else.”

  He took a deep breath that seemed to go on forever, then he released the air. She followed his lead, took a gargantuan inhalation that filled her chest and belly until she was ready to burst.

  After the first few moments, she noticed a rhythm almost as if they rocked back and forth. Their chests were pressed together so tightly, that if they were naked, she would likely be able to feel the imprint his belly button would suction against her flesh. But when she took a breath, she felt his back arch beneath her fingers to make room for the extra space she took up.

  She noticed her breathing sped up and the rocking cadence became a synchronized swivel. Juniper lost the sense of self she normally took pride in. For the first time, she felt connected to another person and relished the closeness that she had been ignorant to before.

  Of course, her relationship with her children was a close one. But that was much different than this. All parents knew that eventually, they would have to cut the umbilicus that bound them to their offspring. But the cord that bound her and Spencer felt like forever, as if the tenuous thread that brought them together would last beyond all other connections.

  And it only grew stronger with their every interaction.

  Like they would be part of each other for eternity. It was a scary thought, if she were with anyone but him.

  After she had forgotten the purpose of the exercise, Juniper felt Spencer shift. He took one hand from her spine and tugged the overlong tie around her waist. The robe loosened and he slid the silk over the one shoulder until it fell away from her arm.