Somewhere in Between

by Lynnette Brisia

  She laughed then, part of it from the strain of the nerves his words were bringing and part because she couldn’t believe it. “You’re crazy. I think the cold has gotten to your brain.”

  His smile slipped a little but he didn’t let her notice. He had to remind himself she needed lots of time. Gemma had been hurt beyond belief, she had a long journey to travel before she could again be the girl he knew was in there. And he had a lot to make up for. Trisha being one of them. But it was his mission. And he didn’t take it lightly.

  “I am not crazy, but I’ll let you think that for now,” he offered gently. Then with purpose, he stepped closer to her, took her right hand in his, and kissed the back of it softly. “Now, come on. There is a good amount of snow here. I think we could build a decent snowman before we have to get back for dinner.”

  And so that’s what they did. Both pushed aside their thoughts on their feelings, trying not to dwell too much on what was said or felt, so that they could enjoy the rest of their afternoon.

  That night, as Gemma and Elliot talked to one another in their nightly phone ritual, neither said the things they wanted. Neither brought up the things they needed to. Instead, they talked about painting Gemma’s room a different shade, perhaps a light purple or forest green, and whether she should mention it to her parents. Painting in the winter was not always the brightest idea. But she was ready for a change and making her room a different color seemed like a good place to start. She decided to ask her parents if it would be okay in the morning.

  They did very well to avoid everything serious. And so when they bid each other a good night, Gemma did not feel as though nightmares would plague her.

  She was wrong, but it was nice to hope.

  LtB

  It was after ten when Gemma finally woke next morning. And that was only because her cell was ringing. Reaching toward her night stand, she grabbed the phone and swiped to talk. “Hello,” she mumbled.

  “Hey, did I wake you?” Elliot asked through the receiver.

  “Yeah. What time is it?”

  “Almost ten-thirty.”

  “Ugh,” she groaned running her free hand over her face. It had been a rough night. When she closed her eyes, her mind was remembering the trip to the park, the words Elliot had said to her, and especially the way he had looked at her. Her stomach was fluttering again, and she had a smile on her face. But it didn’t last. The park morphed into that alley at the Fairview, and Elliot and his sweet words and intense expression turned cruel as his face changed into that of one of the guys who’d hurt her. And worse, her trip to see Dr. Archuleta turned horrifying when the men were waiting for her after her session was over, because she had gone alone.

  She’d woken up crying and sweating and near a full blown panic attack. The only reason she didn’t fall over the edge was because she didn’t want to wake anyone up anymore. She was so tired of not going a night without a nightmare. She was so tired of needing to rely on people to help her make it through a night without a disaster happening. This was also the first night she truly felt the ramifications of her actions of going alone to places without anyone knowing.

  She was…raped because she went to the Fairview after lying about her actions. Something could have happened to her when she went for her appointment, because she had once again lied. It weighed on her conscience most of the night. After that, she was no longer crying because of her nightmares, but out of guilt. She had decided to do whatever she could to make it up to her family for her actions. First thing on the agenda was apologizing. Again.

  “Hey, you okay?” He was concerned. Gemma wasn’t a morning person but she was always up early. And when they’d gotten off the phone the night before, her voice was light. This did not sound like the same person.

  “Yeah. I just,” she hedged, not wanting him to worry, but pushed forth. “I had a rough night. Nightmares and couldn’t stop thinking about some things.”

  “What kind of things?” Elliot pressed.

  She didn’t speak right away because she didn’t want to tell him anything. She didn’t want to keep secrets, but she didn’t want Elliot knowing how she’d been analyzing their day and that she had fallen asleep with a smile because of it only to lose that smile when the nightmares started. She didn’t want to tell him and feel embarrassed. “Lots of things. I shouldn’t have gone out on my own without telling anyone. I um, I dreamed that those… guys were waiting for me.” It was as close to the whole truth as she could go. And with the way her heart rate picked up and tears stung her eyes, it was more than enough to deal with.

  “Oh Gemma,” Elliot murmured. “You shouldn’t have gone alone, but just because you did doesn’t mean you deserve to be hurt.” He heard her sniffle and hoped she wasn’t going to start crying. He was too far away to comfort her.

  “Even still.”

  He just shook his head. He needed to get her mind off of this. “You want to go sledding?” he asked suddenly, his mouth figuring a good plan before his mind could. “Josh asked me earlier in the week and it looks like there’s enough snow out.”

  While she was startled at the sudden change of conversation, she was grateful. It was a good distraction. “Yeah. I’d like that.”

  So that’s what they did. With Leighanna, Trent, and Josh in tow, they went sledding. Four hours later, faces red, smiles attached to mouths, the group stumbled back to Elliot’s house for hot chocolate and cookies Grace had made.

  “You okay to be here, man?” Elliot asked Josh as they sat at the table. Christie was at the hospital, helping out while Dalton worked, but Elliot still felt the need to make sure his friend was comfortable.

  “Yeah. I’m okay.” Josh smiled and it looked sincere. No one knew Josh was thawing on his resolve and had plans to talk to Christie again soon.

  LtB

  Gemma attended six more sessions with Dr. Archuleta, going twice a week after school until winter break started, then she went in the afternoon. They still had yet to talk about her attack, focusing instead on how she was dealing with the aftermath, and how she was feeling in the present. Dr. Archuleta wanted Gemma to be completely comfortable before delving too deeply into the worst moment of her life.

  They weren’t there yet, but Gemma knew they were close. She also had yet to ask about her feelings, if they were normal or even allowed. She hadn’t found the guts to ask just yet.

  On the fifth session, Elliot asked if he could go with. Once Gemma’s session was over, he requested a moment to speak to Dr. Archuleta and ended up scheduling his own time with her. After letting the thoughts of Gemma’s attack linger too long, and after having his own nightmares grow, he knew he needed to deal with it. Dalton and Grace were more than on board with his plan. And Dalton even said he knew of Jasmine Archuleta and that he truly felt she was very good at her job.

  Gemma still occasionally saw Trisha before her sessions began, but had yet to tell anyone, even Elliot.

  “She keeps her nightmares from me. She always says what they’re about, but I know there’s got to be more. And that just makes mine that much more intense.” He sat in the room, his hands gripping the armrests of his chair. It was his second meeting.

  “What are your nightmares consisting of?”

  “I used to dream about finding her. And that was gruesome enough, because in my dreams, I see everything more clearly than I did that night,” he whispers, his voice cracking. “But lately, I’m not just seeing that. I’m actually seeing them hurt her. I’m actually seeing it happen. And I only know what she’s said, so my mind is making up all these horrific things.” He looked up at Dr. Archuleta, his eyes pleading for answers. “What is wrong with me? I don’t want to see Gemma hurting so why am I seeing her being hurt? Why am I seeing it happen instead of just the aftermath of it? Why am I seeing this?”

  For a long while, Dr. Archuleta sat staring at Elliot, a contemplative look on her face. When she spoke, it was soft. “Gemma had something very awful happen to her. And you were the one who f
ound her after. While the actual act happened to her, you are just as much a victim as she is. You are very young, and something like this shouldn’t have happened to her, and you should never have had to see it. You’ve told me you feel guilt. You’ve described regrets you have in regards to Gemma. Your subconscious is punishing you because you think you deserve it. And it is using your dreams, creating these images to do it with.”

  “So I need to get over it then,” he said more to himself. But it was still heard.

  “No, you don’t. In no way is that something I’m saying or believe.” He looked away from the words. “Why don’t you tell me about these regrets you have.”

  By the time that session was over, Elliot had laid out finding the note Gemma had hidden, liking Trisha like a fool, not asking Gemma to the dance like he’d really wanted without knowing it, and then finding out Gemma was so uncomfortable being around him that she lied about a date just to get away and ended up hurt. He felt exhausted. In their next session, Dr. Archuleta wanted to delve into his feelings for Gemma more. She hadn’t given him any answers just yet, but it was good to get much of his thoughts out. And it was to someone Gemma wasn’t freaked out about knowing.

  As he left the office, his mom was waiting for him. “How’d it go?” she asked, starting the car.

  It was still hard for him to be so near the Fairview-they were going to touch on that topic next session too, so Grace offered to drive him. She still didn’t know anything, and it was getting harder every day to keep it from her. Fortunately, Gemma had agreed that his mom could know, but after the holidays. She didn’t want them ruined for anyone because of what had happened to her. “It was good. She told me to enjoy my holiday and not to dwell on anything, but it was good.”

  “I’m glad.”

  LtB

  Gemma’s birthday had come and gone and went without any fanfare. Regardless of it being her sweet sixteen.

  It was her only request for the day and her family and friends honored her wishes. She was given art supplies, left unwrapped on her desk so as not to draw attention. While it bothered everyone to not celebrate Gemma’s birth, they all understood she wasn’t in the best place for celebrations. Even passing her driving test was a subdued affair.

  Christmas was again celebrated with the merging of the Grady and Wade families. This time however, they held the holiday at Elliot’s house. It was a good celebration, and Gemma felt good that she only tensed up a couple times in Dalton’s presence. And it wasn’t enough to garner attention from Elliot or Leigh. She felt proud of herself. She knew the biggest part of dealing with Dalton wasn’t so much that he was a male, as being in Trent and Josh’s presence had shown her that wasn’t so much her fear anymore when it came to those she knew, but that he knew her secret. She was slowly working through that. Her goal was to talk to him soon. And to thank him for being so good a father to Elliot.

  Caroline and Grace again cooked, and Christie helped. She was slowly coming to be more like the person Gemma had first met, rather than the girl who had hurt so many people. She performed her community service, both at the hospital and the shelter Trisha’s mom ran, as well as maintained keeping a tutor. She also avoided Penny and Cassie as much as possible. Things were changing for Christie. She’d even asked for Josh’s forgiveness.

  Everyone was starting to hope again.

  Elliot and Gemma exchanged gifts privately in Elliot’s room. Gemma had found, in talking with Dr. Archuleta, that she needed an outlet to keep her mind from constantly falling into despair. As a child Gemma had always loved to draw, and throughout junior high had taken art classes. Skyview High had art classes, but they weren’t as advanced as Gemma had become even though she and Elliott still took them. But once needing an outlet was brought up, she returned to one of her favorite pastimes, using her skill to move forward.

  And so that was her gift. Gemma had drawn a picture of them in the park, how she imagined they would be at their most happiest, the sun shining, and flowers in bloom. While she was terrified he wouldn’t like it, she knew it was the best she could do. Besides, she didn’t like going into stores just yet, so buying anything was out of the question unless she asked Leigh to do it and that just seemed too impersonal.

  Turned out, Elliot had the same thought in regards to a gift more personal than something purchased at a store. He loved the drawing, and in return gave Gemma a thumb drive of music he’d recorded of himself playing his piano. She laughed with contented tears in her eyes, when he told her his mom was so glad to see all those lessons he fought her on as a child had paid off. He did not tell her that his mom thought it was a very romantic gesture.

  While the families didn’t come together again for New Years, Elliot and Gemma did spend it together, in her house, watching the ball drop from New York on television, while their parents and Leigh were out at parties. As the clock struck midnight, Gemma took a deep breath and turned to her best friend, wished him a Happy New Year, and gently kissed his cheek. She was nervous and scared and elated all at the same time. But she didn’t have a panic attack.

  Elliot was surprised and shocked and aroused. He hadn’t expected the kiss, as innocent as it was, and the feel of Gemma’s lips on his skin instantly set off his teenage hormones. He tried to think of everything gross to make the tightening in his pants lessen. It only barely worked when he imagined his grandmother naked. So gross. Taking deep, calculated breaths to calm down, he looked at his best friend and smiled shakily.

  She looked so beautiful, her cheeks full of blush, her eyes wide with uncertainty. He didn’t want her to regret it, so he carefully leaned toward her, and returned the kiss to her cheek. And just as amazing as it had felt to have her lips on him, the feel of his lips on her, he’d never imagined or been grossed out by his grandmother so much.

  “Happy New Year, Gemma.” He laced his fingers with hers and sat back, watching her and the TV as Katy Perry sang in the celebration.

  LtB

  The peacefulness of break ended the moment school started up again. While the threat of Cassie having to move away had quickly made its way around the school, it hadn’t changed anything. And when Elliot and Gemma entered the building Monday after break was over, they found out things had gotten worse.

  Tears streaming down her face, Christie ran up to them. “Oh God, Gemma, I can’t believe it! Why didn’t you say anything? I would’ve helped you, you know.”

  “What? What happened?” Gemma asked, hearing an accusatory tone to Christie’s voice while noticing for the first time how people were staring at her, their eyes filled with sympathy and questions; something that she hadn’t had to deal with before.

  “It’s Cassie and Penny,” Christie cried.

  “What did they do now? Did they finally get what’s coming to them?” Elliot asked, his voice low and full of irritation at hearing those two names from his sister.

  But Christie didn’t look at her brother. “Penny saw you in near North Suburban, at that medical office with all the shrinks.” The words hung in the air as Gemma absorbed the shock of them. “Her parents are making her speak to a doctor about why she’s acting out. She saw you leaving one of the offices just before Christmas. She asked the receptionist what that doctor did, found out what her specialty is. Oh, God, Gemma, it’s not true, is it?”

  “What’s not true” Elliot asked, trying to remain calm though he wanted to scream. This couldn’t be happening. It wasn’t fair.

  More tears fell from Christie’s eyes. “She said she’s a doctor for people who’ve been…who’ve been…hurt.”

  She couldn’t say it. And Gemma didn’t really need to hear her say it. The loud ringing in her ears, the intense beating of her heart had her ready to fly into a full on anxiety attack. She could feel Elliot’s hands on her arms, trying to get her to focus on him, but she couldn’t. Christie knew. And Gemma knew Penny and Cassie did not keep things to themselves. That meant….

  “Did she tell everyone?” Her voice was surprisingly calm
even though her breath was not.

  “Oh God,” Christie cried harder, her head nodding.

  People were looking at them now. And she couldn’t breathe. The last thing she remembered before passing out was the concern on Elliot’s face. It had been months since she wished she were dead. And now two petty girls had managed to bring everything back up again and destroy every positive she’d earned. And then everything was black.

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  When her eyes finally opened again, she was in the nurse’s office. She had a splitting headache, with the back of her head hurting to touch. But Gemma didn’t feel much of that pain. Instead, her insides felt like they had been mangled and trampled on, and her heart, it was shattered. Tears pricked at her eyes as the weight of what those two vile scraps of flesh had done to her.

  “Gemma?”

  Elliot was by her side, his face drawn with anger and sadness playing through his eyes. He was holding her hand, and she hadn’t even noticed. “Why?” she croaked out, her sobs stopping anything more from escaping.

  “I don’t know. I don’t know what the hell is wrong with them.” He was angry. No, he was beyond angry. He had been brought up to never lay a hand on a woman, but at the moment, Elliot wanted nothing more than to rip Penny and Cassie apart with his bare hands. “They’re in the principal’s office right now. Their parents are on the way, if they’re not here already.”

  She just nodded. Before she could say anything, the door flew open and her parents burst into the room. “Oh God, baby, are you okay?” her father asked, as he pulled her to him.

  She wanted to say she was fine, but it was a lie. Shaking her head no, Gemma burst into tears again. “They told everyone!” she wailed against her father, feeling her mom cradle her from behind. She still held to Elliot’s hand. “Why did they do this? How could they do this?”