‘I’m a straight man. Sex is about getting my rocks off.’
‘But it’s a loving act between –’
Jody wriggled in Frank’s arms. ‘Look, Hannah –’
‘It’s Hayley.’
‘Right, yeah, Hayley. I just want to have some fun and get laid. You seem like a nice if slightly unhinged person, so why don’t you go and find yourself a guy who wants to hold hands and look at sunsets? You’re barking up the wrong tree here.’
‘Ank, Ank.’ Jody slapped Frank’s head.
Hayley was not to be deterred. ‘Loveless sex is meaningless, but if you –’
Frank cut across her: ‘I like meaningless sex. I like getting laid with no strings attached. I like loose women. I want to shag and go. I’m not interested in what their favourite song or movie is – I couldn’t care less. I’m in it for the sex, not the conversation. Yes, I really am that shallow.’
While Hayley struggled to come up with a response, Frank took Jody to Laura and Danny. He had Jody on his shoulders. She was gurgling happily.
Danny stared at the baby. ‘You brought her here?’ he asked Laura.
Laura took a slug of vodka. ‘Yeah, well, I couldn’t get anyone to look after her and I didn’t want to miss the match. Where are you guys going later?’ she asked, attempting to get off the subject of her bloody kid, but before Danny could answer, Frank let out a loud groan.
‘Jesus, Jody, that’s bad.’ He thrust his niece into Laura’s arms. ‘She’s got a smelly arse and Uncle Frank doesn’t do nappies.’
Laura glared at him.
‘Oh, my God, what is that stink?’ Amber had arrived, pinching her nose with her fingers.
‘Jody’s dropped a bomb.’ Frank grinned.
‘It’s horrendous,’ Amber said. ‘Seriously, Laura, you need to take her out.’
‘I’m going,’ Laura barked.
‘Calm down. I just think you should look after your child.’ Amber batted her eyelids at Danny. ‘There’s a big crowd heading into town to the Dirty Duck. Are you coming?’
‘You can’t bring a kid in there,’ Danny said.
‘Laura’s heading home now, aren’t you?’ Amber turned to her. ‘It must be Jody’s bedtime.’
‘Yes, Amber, it is. Thanks for reminding me. Have fun without me.’ Laura almost choked on the words.
‘Sorry you can’t make it. I guess babies kind of complicate things,’ Danny said.
‘You can say that again.’ Amber laughed. ‘Come on, let’s go before it gets too packed.’
They all put on their coats. ‘See you, kiddo.’ Frank kissed Jody’s head.
‘’Bye, Laura, have a good night.’ Danny walked out of the door, with Amber hot on his heels.
Laura tried not to cry. She looked around for Chloë but her best friend was kissing a cute blond guy in the corner of the bar.
Laura knocked back the rest of her vodka, put Jody in her buggy, and cried, ‘I hate my life.’
As she walked home, all she could see was a wall of orange mixed with yellow and white – pain, anger and shame.
Laura felt nothing so she did another line. Her throat was numb. Yes! Now she was feeling it. Brilliant. She was ready to go out and face the world. She wiped her nose, reapplied her lipstick and headed downstairs.
‘I’m off now, Mum,’ she said to Joan, who was watching Tom and Jerry with Jody on her knee.
‘Don’t be late. I heard you coming in at five o’clock on Thursday. I want you home at a decent hour tonight. You’ve to look after Jody tomorrow morning. I’ve got my aerobics class at nine.’
‘Fine, yeah, ’bye.’
‘Are you not going to kiss your daughter goodnight?’
Laura sighed, and walked over to Jody. She pecked her on the cheek and hurried out of the door.
She swaggered down the road. She felt fantastic. On top of the world. She just wished she’d discovered cocaine before. She’d taken it for the first time a few days after Amber and Danny had got together. It had happened the night after the rugby match when she’d had to go home because she’d had bloody Jody with her. Amber had finally got her claws into Danny.
Laura hadn’t felt pain like it since her dad had died. When Chloë had told her about Danny and Amber, she’d run into the bathroom and thrown up. For days all she could see was orange – so bright and searing it made her feel constantly nauseous.
Frank had been his usual blunt self. ‘What do you expect? She’s available, he’s a guy.’
‘I’m available!’ Laura said.
‘No, you’re not. You have a kid. Danny couldn’t handle that.’
‘You said to me in hospital that it wouldn’t matter, that if a guy liked me, having Jody wouldn’t stop him.’
‘I lied.’
‘What?’
‘Come on, Laura, you can’t be that stupid. A lot of guys will run a mile when they find out you have a kid.’
‘You bastard, I believed you.’
‘You were in hospital. I didn’t want to make you feel worse. Besides, there are some guys who would take on someone else’s kid, but Danny isn’t one of them. He’s way too conservative. Forget him, it’s never going to happen.’
Laura had to leave the room to throw up again.
After four days of being sick and miserable, she’d had to get out of the house. She’d arranged to meet Chloë in the Leopard bar and they had drunk vodka after vodka. But it hadn’t made Laura feel better. If anything, she’d felt worse … until they’d bumped into Hilary, a friend from school, who had promised Laura she had the perfect solution to her problems.
‘I have something that’s going to make you feel so good you won’t give a damn about Amber, or whatever her stupid name is. Come on, follow me.’
Chloë had only tasted the cocaine, she was too scared, but Laura had hoovered up two lines and Hilary had been right. She’d felt brilliant, full of energy and confidence. Who the hell cared about stupid Danny and Amber? Laura was on top of the world.
The next day she’d called Hilary and asked her where she could get more. Hilary had put her in touch with her dealer, and now Laura was buying it direct from a guy called Rozer. She had met him in town, behind the Brendan Behan statue in Granville Park on a Tuesday at three o’clock, and bought two grams. She didn’t have a clue how much cocaine that was but it was the amount Hilary had suggested. She’d said it would do her for a few weeks.
Laura loved it. The coke numbed her pain and now she could see Amber and Danny together without feeling sick. It also helped her to study. She felt really alert all the time. At first she had told Chloë she was doing it, but her friend started to worry about her and begged her to stop. So Laura had to be careful that Chloë didn’t find out. She also knew that if Frank discovered what she was up to he’d kill her, so she did it alone and was careful to cover her tracks.
Laura met up with Hayley before the party.
‘Wow, you look amazing!’ Hayley gushed. ‘That dress really shows off your figure. They’ll be queuing up tonight.’
Laura beamed. ‘I love this dress. I feel really good in it.’
‘Is Frank coming?’ Hayley asked.
‘No, he has to study for his last exam.’
‘Oh.’ Hayley looked crestfallen.
Laura put her arm around her friend. ‘Come on – there are loads more guys out there. Let’s go and find some cute ones to chat up.’
They headed off to the house party, where Laura drank vodka after vodka. When Amber and Danny walked in, she went to the toilet and did another line of coke. When she came out she marched straight over to them. ‘Hi, guys, how are you?’
‘Amazing, thanks.’ Amber put her arm around Danny’s waist.
‘How about you, Danny?’ Laura stared at him.
‘Um, yeah, fine, thanks.’ He looked uncomfortable.
‘Cool, so we’re all good.’ Laura smiled. ‘Oh, God, I love this song – come on, Danny, let’s dance.’ Before Amber could react, Laura had pulled him close
and begun to dance with him. Laura knew she was hot, she knew she was sexy. Danny looked embarrassed but Laura also knew that, deep down, he wanted her. She threw her arms around his neck and whispered in his ear, ‘I know you fancy me. I can see it in your eyes.’
Amber came over and yanked Danny away. ‘You slut. What are you trying to do? Steal my boyfriend? Don’t you get it? No guy here would go near you. You’re used goods. You had a kid and you don’t even know the father’s name.’
‘You’re just jealous because you know your boyfriend wants me,’ Laura sneered.
Amber threw her head back and laughed. ‘Everyone wants to sleep with you, Laura, but no one wants to call you the next day.’
‘Come on, let’s go.’ Danny pulled Amber away.
As she watched them leave, Laura began to feel her buzz waning. She didn’t want to feel the hurt she knew was inside so she went into the toilet and did two more lines. When she came out, she felt fantastic again and ended up snogging Gerry, one of the guys on Frank’s rugby team. He was a friend of Danny’s and she knew it would get back to him.
‘Come on, let’s go upstairs and have some fun.’ Gerry led Laura up the stairs and found an empty bedroom. He pulled her down beside him on the bed and shoved his hand up her dress.
‘Hold on, relax. What are you doing?’
‘Getting your pants off.’
‘Stop, no!’ Laura pushed him aside and sat up.
‘What do you mean, “no”?’
‘I mean no. It’s not going to happen.’
‘But everyone knows you’re easy.’
‘I am not,’ Laura spat.
‘You have a kid – it’s a bit late to be tight now. Come on, Laura, I know you want it.’ He put his hand up her dress again.
A kind of rage she’d never known before came over her. She grabbed his wrist and twisted it. ‘How dare you?’ she screamed. ‘You pig! I wouldn’t sleep with you if you were the last man on earth!’
He pulled his wrist free. ‘A slut like you can’t be choosy.’
She jumped off the bed and raced out of the room. ‘FUCK YOU!’ she yelled, running down the stairs, not caring who heard. ‘I HATE YOU ALL!’ She tore out of the party and all the way home, spurred on by fury and cocaine.
By the time she got back, the cocaine and vodka had worn off and she was feeling really low. She took her shoes off and massaged her feet, which were covered with blisters. She went into the kitchen to get some plasters and found Joan and Frank sitting up waiting for her.
Joan was gripping something in her hand. Frank pulled his finger silently across his throat. Laura knew she was in big trouble.
‘Sit down, please,’ Joan said, her voice shaking.
‘Not now, Mum. Whatever it is, please don’t start now. I’ve had a really bad night and I just want to go to bed.’
‘I said sit down,’ Joan barked.
Laura sat at the table, facing her mother. Joan opened her hand, held out a little bag and shook it in her daughter’s face. ‘Explain this.’
Laura thought she might vomit. It was her stash of cocaine. How the hell had Joan found it? She had hidden it in the toe of her boot at the very back of her wardrobe.
‘Is it coke?’ Frank asked.
‘No, it’s just powder, it’s just … it’s nothing …’
‘Oh, well, that’s a relief because Jody found it,’ Joan said, her cheeks flushing bright red. ‘She was trying on your shoes and she felt something in your boot and pulled it out. When I found her, she’d opened the bag and was tasting it.’
Laura’s hand flew to her mouth.
Frank thumped the table. ‘Is it cocaine?’
Laura nodded. ‘Is Jody OK?’
‘I arrived home as Mum was calling the doctor. We didn’t know how much she’d taken.’
‘I knew it couldn’t be much because I’d only left her for a minute.’ There were tears in Joan’s eyes.
‘The doctor said she seemed OK but we had to keep her awake and watch her for two hours. She’s asleep now.’
‘He said that if she’d ingested all of it she could have died.’ Joan began to cry.
Frank crossed his arms. ‘He wanted to call the authorities but we managed to persuade him not to.’
‘What’s wrong with you?’ Joan whispered. ‘How could you do this? You could have killed our little Jody.’
Laura’s whole body was shaking. She was sweating and she felt cold. She could see dark green. She was terrified. She put her head into her hands and sobbed. ‘I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I never meant …’
‘NEVER MEANT WHAT? FOR YOUR BABY GIRL TO FIND IT AND DIE OF A DRUG OVERDOSE?’ Joan stood up and began to hit Laura, slapping her about the head, face and shoulders.
Frank jumped up and pulled his mother back. He sat her down in her chair. ‘We all need to calm down. The important thing is that Jody’s OK.’
‘I’m sorry, Mum.’ Laura willed her mother to forgive her. ‘I’m an idiot, I know I am. I messed up. I just wanted to forget for a while. I’ve been really stressed and unhappy. I’ll never do anything so stupid again. I swear. Look.’ She went to the sink and flushed away the cocaine.
Joan stood up. ‘I don’t know who you are. The girl I raised, the girl your dad was so proud of, would never have done this. Some kind of monster has taken over my Laura. You’re not fit to be a mother. You don’t deserve a beautiful child like Jody. You put her life in danger. What kind of a person are you? How could you do that to an innocent child? A child who loves you and craves your attention, and who you ignore most of the time. You’re her mother!’ Joan walked to the door. ‘I can’t look at you any more.’ She slammed it behind her.
Laura looked at Frank. ‘Do you hate me too?’
He sighed. ‘What the hell are you doing messing with cocaine? How stupid are you? You’ve got a kid.’
Laura pummelled the table with her fists. ‘Don’t you get it? That’s why I took the cocaine – because of Jody. Because I can’t be the person I want to be. I can’t be a student. I can’t be a normal twenty-year-old girl. I’m a mother. I can’t be carefree. I can’t go to pubs because I have to babysit. I can’t flirt with guys because they think I’m a slut. Scrap material. I hate my life. I used cocaine to escape from myself. To escape from Jody. To escape –’
Frank grabbed her arm. ‘Stop trying to run away. Jody’s not going anywhere, and Mum can’t look after her for ever. You … have … a … child. Deal with it.’
‘It was one night, one stupid mistake, and I have to live with it for ever. Don’t you see? It’s like having a noose around my neck. I feel as if I’m being strangled. I can’t do this, Frank. I can’t be a mother, I just can’t.’ Laura laid her head on her arms and bawled.
‘Laura, listen to me. This isn’t a choice. You are a mother, you have a daughter. You’ve got to get that into your thick head.’
‘It’s not fair. You screw around all the time and never have to deal with consequences. No one thinks you’re damaged goods. People don’t look at you like you’re dirt. You’re not trapped having to look after a kid for the rest of your life. Why me? Why did I get so unlucky?’
‘I can’t answer that. All I know is that Jody’s here and she needs a mother. And so far you’re doing a shitty job. And, FYI, no guy wants to go out with a coke-head. Stop drinking so much as well – you’re always pissed when you’re out. Seriously, Laura, you’ve got to get your shit together and start looking after Jody properly. She’s a great kid. If you stopped feeling so sorry for yourself all the time you might actually enjoy her.’
Laura cried harder.
‘Come on, Laura. Look at the positives. You have a gorgeous little girl. Find your happy colour – purple or green or whatever the hell it is. Find it and look at it and focus on it. Come on!’ Frank grabbed an apple. ‘OK, look at this apple, focus your mind on the colour – greeeeeeeen … happyyyyy … greeeeeeeeeen … I love greeeeeeen … I feeeeel happyyyyyy now … greeeeeeeeeen.’ He waved the apple in fr
ont of her eyes.
Frank was right about the colour but wrong about the emotion. All Laura could feel was panic.
7.
Anna
June 1994
Anna stood in the shower, letting the water wash away her tears. She still woke up crying every day. A year and a half later and her pain was the same. Time had not healed her wound. There was still a gaping hole in her heart.
She had gone back to school six weeks after Hope’s death. She tried really hard every day to behave the way a ‘normal’ person would, but inside she was dead. She felt as if her whole body had been anaesthetized. The worst thing that could possibly have happened had happened. Now there was nothing to fear but life itself.
In those first few weeks after Hope had died, she had contemplated suicide. She’d known she had to go back to work or else she would put her head in the oven, turn on the gas and breathe in deeply. Barry had thought she was going back too soon, but Anna had needed to do it. She craved children. She had to be around innocent little people who didn’t ask her how she felt all the time. Joe had agreed with her that it was a good idea. He’d thought it important for her to get out of the house and have some structure to her day. He’d helped her persuade Barry that it was a good idea.
Anna had spent most of those awful weeks asleep. She’d been taking sleeping tablets and welcomed the relief of switching off her brain and drifting into dreamless oblivion. But eventually she’d wake up and the pain would take her breath away.
She remembered that first day back at school as if it were yesterday. When the children had come into class and seen her, their faces had lit up. They had run over to hug her …
‘I missed you. The other teacher they gave us was really narky,’ Kylie said, holding on tightly to Anna’s legs.
‘Here, get out of the way! I want a hug.’ Ryan pushed Kylie aside and Anna crouched down. He threw his arms around her. ‘Jaysus, Mrs Roberts, I’m made up you’re back. The other teacher shouted at me all the time and you never do. You never make me feel bold or thick.’
‘I’m glad to see you too,’ Anna said, fighting back tears.
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