‘Are you really?’ Ryan looked delighted. ‘Most people aren’t. Me gran always says, “Here’s trouble,” when she sees me.’
Anna hugged him again.
‘Where d-d-did you g-g-go?’ Francie asked.
‘I know!’ Molly said. ‘My mammy told me that you lost your baby.’
‘What?’ Jason was surprised. ‘I thought you was sick. Where did you lose the baby? Was it in the shopping centre? My ma lost my brother there one time but we found him. He was hiding in a tent in the sports shop. You should check the sports shop – I bet your baby’s there.’
‘Thanks, Jason, but the baby is gone,’ Anna said.
‘Did you not find it?’ Penny asked.
Anna shook her head. She was welling up again.
Ryan was upset for her. ‘Did you look everywhere? I can help you. I’m a good finder.’
‘What you need to do is pray to St Anthony – he’s a brilliant finder,’ Molly said. ‘When my da went missing one time for ages my ma prayed to St Anthony to find him and he did.’
‘Where was he?’ Penny asked.
‘In the pub. He fell asleep in the toilet.’
‘I lost my da when I was just a baby and we never found him,’ Timmy said. ‘My ma says he went to plug Tina’s hole and never came back.’
‘It must have been a massive hole,’ Jason said. ‘Did he have a digger?’
Despite herself, Anna laughed. ‘Come on, let’s get to work.’
‘Mrs Roberts, didn’t you lose your mammy too?’ Molly asked.
‘Yes, Molly, I did.’
Molly wagged her finger. ‘You have to be more carefuller. That’s two people you’ve lost now.’
‘Why don’t we all have a look? I bet we’ll find them.’ Ryan was desperate to help his favourite teacher.
‘It’s OK, Ryan. The baby and my mummy have gone to Heaven. They’re angels now.’
‘Oh. Are you sad?’ he asked.
‘Yes, I am.’
‘Can I be your kid instead? I’d love to come and live in your house,’ he offered.
Anna smiled. ‘You’re all like my children and I’m so happy to see you again. I’m really going to miss you guys next year. Now, listen, I want you to remember something. You can be anything you want, if you work hard. You can have your own house and your own car and a good job. But you must concentrate and be good in school. I know that some of you have things going on at home that make you sad and scared. But if you work in school and try hard you can make your own life and be the best person you can be.’
‘Like you are,’ Kylie said.
‘I want to be a teacher like you,’ Ryan said, standing close to Anna.
‘That would be wonderful, Ryan.’ Anna patted his head.
‘And me,’ Jason said.
‘And me … and me … and me …’ they all joined in.
For Hope’s first anniversary Anna, Barry and Joe had gone to the grave and released twenty white balloons. She’d watched them floating up into the cold January sky. So white and pure and innocent. Sailing up to Heaven, to her mother and Hope.
Joe had insisted on taking them out to lunch, but it had been awful – stilted conversation, pushing their food around their plates, each wishing they were somewhere else.
Barry had slowly but surely pulled away from Anna. At first they had been united in their grief, but it hadn’t lasted long. She knew that he dreaded coming home to her, to their house, that he could never move on with these memories dragging him back. She had watched him struggle to be a loyal husband, to be supportive and kind, but it was slowly eating away at him. Now she knew what she had to do.
On the last day of term, Anna packed up her things, emptied her desk drawer and walked out of the school gate without a backward glance. It was over. This part of her life had to end. She couldn’t live in the same house and work in the same school and act as if nothing had changed. She had tried it, she had given it eighteen months, but she couldn’t do it any more. The pretence was over. She knew if she didn’t get away, she’d sink. The grief was still overwhelming.
When Barry came home that night, Anna surprised him with his favourite meal – steak with pepper sauce and dauphinoise potatoes. She had put on some makeup and used their best china. She even opened a bottle of wine. She had been avoiding alcohol because she was worried about its effect on her. Worried that she would get maudlin and also that once she started drinking she might never stop. She would gladly live in a haze of alcohol, avoiding reality and numbing the hurt. She poured a glass for Barry and put it next to his plate.
She heard him come in and went out to greet him. He looked shocked to see her dressed up. Normally by the time he got home she was in bed, watching TV or pretending to be asleep so they wouldn’t have to talk.
‘Wow, this looks nice.’ Barry loosened his tie and sat down opposite her.
‘I decided you’d had enough TV meals over the last few weeks.’ Anna forced a smile.
‘Right, yes, but it’s OK – I mean, I don’t mind.’
‘Oh, I know, I just thought it would be nice.’
‘It is – no, absolutely. It’s great.’
‘So how was work?’ Anna asked, as she dished potatoes on to her husband’s plate.
‘Oh, you know, the same. How about you? Glad to be finished for another year?’
Anna said nothing. She was trying to find the right words, the right moment to tell him.
‘Peter and Susan were wondering if we’d like to have dinner with them. Something casual. Just to get out of the house.’
Anna shook her head. ‘I don’t think so.’
‘Yeah, well, I knew you’d say that, so I told them it was unlikely. No worries, it was just a thought.’ Barry concentrated on cutting his steak.
‘Barry?’
‘Yeah?’
‘Are you happy?’
He dropped his knife. ‘What kind of a question is that?’
‘I mean, are you happy with this life?’
‘We buried our daughter. What the hell do you think?’
Anna took a deep breath. ‘I didn’t mean it like that. I suppose what I meant is that I feel as though you’ve been unhappy for a long time.’
Barry waved his fork at her. ‘Don’t you put this on me. Don’t you start telling me I’ve been a bad husband. I’ve stood by through all your obsessive pregnancy stuff. I didn’t want to try any more. I begged you to stop after the last miscarriage. I told you it wouldn’t work but you kept on and on about your mother sending us a baby and all that crap. And then it happened and I started to believe it and now look – I buried my baby girl and you ask me if I’m happy. What do you want from me?’
Anna smiled. ‘I want you to be happy.’
He glared at her. ‘Well, I’m miserable.’
‘I can see that, and that’s why I’m setting you free.’
‘What?’ Barry stared at her. ‘Is this some kind of joke? Have you taken something? Did Joe give you some new tablets?’
‘No, Barry, he didn’t. Listen to me. I know I can’t make you happy. Our time is over. I’m telling you that you can go. You can go and never look back. I’m telling you that I know our marriage is over. I know that I pushed too hard, too far. I know that Hope living was the only way our marriage could have survived, and even if she had made it, I’m not sure it would have been enough. I love you, Barry. I love you for staying with me through the miscarriages and for holding my hand through the disappointments. I love you for not walking out on me when I know you wanted to, when my obsession with having a baby took over my life. But I know that our relationship has run its course. We’ll only make each other unhappy by staying together so I want us to be sensible and end it before we get bitter. I want you to be happy and I can’t help you with that any more. Part of me died with Hope. It’s time for both of us to move on, in different directions.’
Barry’s face was bathed in relief. Anna knew she had made the right decision.
‘Are you sure?’ was all he
said.
‘Absolutely positive.’ She was firm.
He came over and hugged her. A proper hug full of warmth and emotion and most of all, she sensed, gratitude – for allowing him to move on with his life, for not making him live the rest of his life with her broken heart.
‘I love you, Anna.’ He kissed her. He sat back down and began to eat with gusto.
Anna played with her food. ‘Actually, there’s something else. I’ve decided to move away.’
Barry’s shock was written on his face. ‘What?’
‘I’ve handed in my notice. I’m going to apply for jobs in London. I want to get away from here. Too many memories of Mum and Hope and all the babies we lost. I need a fresh start.’
‘It’s all very quick. Don’t you think you should give yourself more time?’
‘No. I don’t need time. I need distance. It feels right.’
He looked at her for a moment. ‘You’ve really thought about this, haven’t you? Will you be OK?’
Anna sighed. ‘I’ve thought of nothing else since Hope. It’s better this way for both of us. I’ll get a new life, away from my memories, and you won’t have to worry about bumping into me when you meet some twenty-five-year-old hottie.’
‘Anna!’
‘It’s OK. I want you to meet someone. You’re a great husband. You should get married again and I really hope you have children. You’ll be a great dad.’
Barry fought back tears. He came around and held her tightly. ‘You would have been an incredible mother. I’m sorry, sweetheart, I really, really am.’
‘Me too.’
They held each other and cried together for the last time.
8.
Laura
August 1994
While all of Laura’s friends went off to spend their college summer in London, she worked in a local restaurant, Dino’s, and stayed in at night with her mother, who had grounded her after the cocaine incident. The summer dragged on interminably and Laura felt increasingly suffocated.
She couldn’t believe she was stuck in Dublin, working and babysitting. Frank had gone to New York with some of his friends to work on a building site, and Danny was in London with some of his rugby friends. They were renting an apartment in Fulham near Chloë, Hayley and Amber’s flat.
Laura kept getting phone calls from Chloë telling her what a wild time they were all having. They were working all day and partying all night. While Laura wanted Chloë to call and keep her up to date, she always felt wretched after talking to her best friend. She felt left out, abandoned and dumped.
She was stuck in a house with her mother, who thought she was a worthless piece of crap, and a child she didn’t want. She loved and hated Jody in equal measures. All she saw when she looked at her daughter was a prison cell. It was Jody who was preventing her from living her life, from being in London with her friends, from being a normal student, from having Danny.
Most nights when Joan was asleep, Laura stayed up late watching TV and drinking vodka. It was her pathetic attempt at rebellion. She was very careful to hide the vodka bottles high at the back of her wardrobe so Jody couldn’t get her hands on them. She often went to bed drunk. It helped her get through the summer. It helped her forget about her situation and her status as a loser.
There was a chef at Dino’s who was keen on her. He was older, about thirty, and very full of himself. She wasn’t interested in him, but she kissed him a few times out of boredom. When he started pulling her clothes off in the storeroom, though, she drew back. She was terrified of getting pregnant again. He said he had condoms, but she was afraid they’d burst or be faulty. He was furious. He called her a prick-tease and proceeded to ignore her, always cooking the meals for her customers last. Not only had Jody ruined her life in college, but she had also made her completely paranoid about sex. Laura felt doomed.
She was feeling particularly sorry for herself one night when Chloë called.
‘You sound really down,’ her friend noted.
‘I’m just so sick of my shitty life.’
‘Come over and visit next weekend,’ Chloë begged.
‘I can’t. I’ve got a kid, remember.’
‘I’m sure your mum would look after her for a few nights,’ Chloë said.
Laura hadn’t told Chloë about the cocaine: she’d been too ashamed. Chloë didn’t know that she was grounded because she had endangered the life of her own child. ‘I’m not sure she would, Chloë.’
‘OK. Well, you need to get down on your knees and beg her because I have some good news for you. News that is definitely going to cheer you up.’
‘You bought those leopard-print shoes you were on about.’
‘No, much more exciting than that.’
‘You bought me the leopard-print shoes?’
‘No, forget shoes.’
‘You had sex with Tom Cruise?’
‘No, but you’re getting warmer.’
‘Really? You had sex with Brad Pitt?’
‘Nope.’
‘Johnny Depp?’
‘I wish. No. It’s not about me, it’s about you and someone you like.’
‘Danny?’
‘Yes! Danny and Amber have split up.’
Laura’s heart soared. This was the best news ever.
‘He dumped her three nights ago. She’s devastated.’
‘How devastated?’
‘Can’t-sleep-or-eat devastated.’
‘Amber not able to eat?’
‘I know! She has it bad.’
‘Poor her.’
‘I can hear the concern in your voice.’
‘Is she utterly miserable?’
‘Utterly.’
‘Fantastic.’ Laura grinned at the ceiling. ‘So what happened?’ She wanted to hear all the juicy details.
‘According to Amber, he said he wanted a little break. But James said – you know Danny’s friend James?’
‘Yeah, he’s a friend of Frank’s too.’
‘Right. Well, he told me that Danny couldn’t handle Amber any more because she’s so clingy and controlling, and every time he even looked at another girl she freaked.’
‘I love it! Tell me more.’
‘That’s it, really, but the other good news is that Amber is leaving tomorrow to meet her parents in the South of France for two weeks’ holiday so she’ll be out of the picture for a while. And it just so happens that we’ve arranged to go and see Paul Oakenfold playing in Green Park this Saturday night.’
‘I love him! He’s the best DJ ever.’
‘I’ve got you a ticket and Danny’s going to be there so you have to come. You have to find a way to get over here.’
‘Leave it with me – I’ll work on it.’
Laura waited to catch Joan in a good mood, which was extremely difficult as every time Joan looked at her, she remembered the cocaine incident and felt angry all over again. The next night, Laura offered to put Jody to bed, but Joan said no. She liked giving her granddaughter a bath and reading her stories.
She could hear Joan singing ‘Twinkle Twinkle Little Star’ to Jody. She sounded like she was in a good mood. This was Laura’s opportunity. She hovered in the kitchen until Joan came down. ‘Is she asleep?’ she asked.
‘Yes, the poor little thing is worn out. We went to the park today with Lilly and her little boy Tom. Isn’t it funny that my friend has a son the same age as my granddaughter?’ Joan shook her head. ‘Your dad and I got married young. He was mad keen to have kids straight away. He always said he wanted to be a young dad. It was as if he knew somehow his time was limited. He would have loved Jody – she’s such a sweet child. And she’s very clever. She has lots of new words. Her vocabulary is amazing for a nineteen-month-old.’
‘Great, yeah. So, um, Mum, can I –’
‘No.’
‘What?’
‘Whatever it is you want to do, the answer is no.’
‘But I haven’t even asked you yet! How can you say no when you don�
��t even know what I want?’
‘Because I know it’s something to do with going out and I told you that, until you can prove yourself to be responsible, you can’t go out.’
‘Jesus Christ! I’ve been locked up for weeks – I’m going crazy here. I feel like a prisoner in my own home.’
‘It’s my house and you put Jody’s life in danger.’
Laura threw her arms up into the air. ‘I’ve apologized a zillion times and I’ve worked all summer and stayed in while all my friends are living it up in London. They’re having what students are supposed to have – FUN!’
Joan folded her arms. ‘Well, Laura, you don’t seem to know how to have fun in a normal way. You either come home pregnant or on drugs.’
‘I made a mistake.’
‘No. You made two huge mistakes.’
‘OK! I made mistakes but I’m human. People make mistakes. No one’s perfect.’
‘When you make mistakes, you have to live with the consequences.’
‘I live with them every day!’
‘No, you don’t.’ Joan said, sitting down at the kitchen table. ‘I’m the one raising Jody. You barely interact with her. That needs to change. I’m not going to spend the next thirty years babysitting your daughter. You have to be a mother to her, Laura, not someone who feeds her and changes her nappy. You need to really engage with her and get to know the beautiful person she is. She needs her mother’s love.’
‘But you like doing everything for her. I see how happy she makes you.’
Joan nodded. ‘She’s been a joy. After your dad died I was destroyed. Just getting out of bed in the mornings was a struggle. But then Jody came along and she was so sweet and innocent. I threw myself into looking after her because it helped me get over my grief. In a way she saved me. But I realize now that I’ve done too much. I have to start taking a back seat. I’m not her mother. You are. So, from now on, I’m going to let you put her to bed and bathe her and read her stories and spend time with her. She needs to get to know her mother and you need to get to know your child. And I need to get on with my life. Don’t miss out on Jody’s precious baby years, Laura. You’ll regret it if you do.’
Laura frowned. She didn’t like the sound of this. She didn’t want to look after Jody more. She wanted to look after her less, if possible. ‘But Jody adores you, she doesn’t want me.’
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