Rise

by C. J. Lau

  Chapter 9

  Even with my eyes shut, I picture the scrawl on my wall chart. Making me very happy before I collapsed into bed in the early hours this morning. Even with everything else dragging me down.

  Round 4: Cowra

  Goulburn nine - nil winners. The same score as Moss Vale. But that’s only part of the reason I’m so happy. My girls coping well with the two and a half-hour bus trip, holding their own through an opening onslaught from our opponents.

  I coached my best game all year. Proactive from the opening whistle. Finally knowing enough to be one step ahead of the play. And trusting myself enough to take a risk at half time.

  Danielle padding up for the restart, and I also pull Sam and Vivienne ten minutes in with the match at 3 – 0. My chance to see Anna take the reins, and Sarah fill Sam’s shoes in midfield.

  “I know what you’re up to, Coach,” Sam says on coming off. Carol, umpiring again, questioning me with her eyes. “You think we’re going to draw another road trip don’t you?”

  Sam, of all people, knowing what her mid-term exams would clash with. Better to give her and Christina’s replacements a chance now before throwing them into the fire in Wagga Wagga.

  “Spot on, Sam,” I’d nodded, Sarah’s energy already forcing a mistake from an opponent.

  What makes me happiest of all is the memory of what happened next. Six goals, with Sarah netting two. The answer I wanted from my girls with Captain, Keeper, and Senior Defender missing.

  A knock at the door forces my eyes open.

  The knock comes again. Moves me with as much energy my tired legs can muster.

  “Solo! What are you doing here?” The sight of him, laid back and casual, and me at my most unglamorous; pyjamas, messed up hair, eyes squinting from lack of sleep.

  I feel exposed. Bright morning sunlight stings my eyes.

  “I had to see you.” Solo’s smile is off but I smile back. “You look beautiful by the way.”

  I give him a relaxed giggle. “Shut the door, liar.”

  Still smiling, he did that. Eyeing me off at my worst. Following up with a kiss that brought energy crackling through my veins. “As long as I can be here today, I’ll be happy if all you do is sleep.”

  His appearance has me totally off balance, but I’m happy I don’t need high heels or a sexy outfit to earn his kiss.

  The idea of waking up beside him even more appealing now.

  “What time is it?”

  “Just after ten, babe.”

  “Wow.” I’ve slept away most of the morning. “My head’s so heavy.” It made sense though, given the week I had. Win aside.

  “Kathy,” I tell him, proceeding to unravel another frantic call from two days before the Cowra match. Cat’s heart rate slowing, and her vital signs fading. Her parents’ decision to return to England. Just in case.

  Solo listens, though his attention seems forced.

  “Kathy talked me out of jumping on a plane right there and then.” I still hear her advice. “She’s not going to die, Maggie. Stay positive,” she’d urged, “lead the team in Cowra, make Cat proud.”

  “She’d been right. Cat’s vitals improving after a visit from her parents, my girls blowing Cowra away,” I continue to ramble, not noticing Solo’s reactions. “But my mood dropped the moment Sam invited me back to her place to talk.” The conversation still troubling me greatly, even though Carol warned me it was coming...

  I guess my one-sided rant sort of peters out about then.

  How far away have I been in my daydream? Solo tickling my ribs to bring me back. Making me jump away from him.

  “Hey, Maggie! If you’re gonna fall asleep at least let me put you in bed.”

  I can’t tell if he’s joking, but either way he’ll need to try harder than that.

  “Coffee, I need coffee,” I say, and he follows into the kitchen.

  We exchange a longer kiss while the coffee brews, before I run to get changed. Nerves adding to the pounding already in my head. He isn’t all there today. Neither of us are.

  “How about a movie?” I ask, and he agrees.

  Snuggled together on the couch, his arms strong, a warm comfort as the coffee spreads through my veins.

  Forget your problems for a while, I order myself. Forget Mark and Emma, Sam and the team, and relax.

  I fall asleep with his fingers gently running through my hair.

  My eyes startle open to the sight of the movie, scenes rolling on without context, then I turn to Solo.

  I hear him sigh, feel a kiss on my forehead. But his face tells me I’ve just done something wrong. Come on, Maggie, something’s not right here. Figure it out.

  I close my eyes for a moment, try to force my brain into gear.

  His eyes still on me, too much at stake for pride. “I’m sorry,” I apologise. Trying to shake the fog I woke in. “I’m glad you came, but I’m just so tired.”

  Did I just spot a tear?

  “I am too.” His voice distant. “I wish we could be together forever.”

  The moment of silence should’ve finally clued me in on what is going on. But today it only brings confusion. My mental gears just not turning.

  “Come back to Wollongong.” A desperate sincerity in Solo’s eyes captures my full attention. “We can patch things up with Mark. I’ll tell Emma to stop being such an ass, and we can go back to the great times.”

  A light bulb, then a hammer of fear. He’s made his mind up about the distance. Giving me a chance to come back to him.

  This is real. I tell myself.

  Choose.

  “Things can never be…” I shake my head. “I’m sorry. I love things here.”

  Was this how Cat felt when Mark proposed? She’d loved him, told me so herself. Yet she said no. Had bigger dreams to chase. “Wollongong was great, and I’ll take happy memories of it for the rest of my life. But that phase of my life is over.”

  I see what my words are doing to him, but I can’t stop now, even if I want to. “I need you to be with me on this one. My future is here. Working, and being with the girls. I can’t get over the fact that Cat won’t be around.” Tears threaten at the utterance of her name.

  The long silence freezes me, inside and out. Suddenly desperately torn between an excited life here, and the man who still sends tingles through my veins.

  A deeper sigh. Ominous, like the one he’d given when I first moved here. Refusing to back down despite his arguments. “Can we go have lunch before I say goodbye?”

  So this is it. My last supper today. But eleven close friends won’t be enough to replace Solo. As for Judas, all I need is a mirror.

  “Please don’t make me do this Solo,” I beg, but he’s moving towards the door.

  Lunch time service is just building up at the Paragon Café on Goulburn’s main street. We find a booth and order, talking only to the waiter. The food arriving in more silence. And with little stabs at my heart. The stillness between us grows bigger every minute.

  Finally Solo speaks. “I’m so sorry, Maggie.”

  Something tells me to look at him, make it hard as I can. Wanting a stay of execution to be granted.

  My hope crushed by what comes next. “I’m sorry I can’t be where you want me.”

  I brace myself for the killing blow. “I choose Wollongong. I can’t see how we can stay together so far apart. I miss you. I’ve—I can’t do this anymore.” His words clinical, rehearsed.

  But nothing prepares me for his last. “Although it breaks my heart, it’s over.”

  My eyes clench shut. Breaths shallow and panicked. The weight of tears building.

  Not now. I barely hang on. Not in public with people watching.

  I open my eyes to him waiting. Grimly. All too real.

  “I know,” the only words I find.

  The drive home is quick. The first tear down my cheek excruciating.

  I open my door for him. But Solo stands. Coming no further.

  We kiss one last time. “I lov
e you, Maggie. I wish there was another way.” He turns to leave.

  Words almost come, but there’s nothing left to say. I start to cry.

  A thousand things flash through my mind. Mostly, I love you Solo.

  The thought shattering my heart into tiny shards. My throat no longer capable of speaking.

  I grab him one last time, hold tight and pray this isn’t happening. That I can somehow move the mountains to the ocean.

  But I know it’s time to let go.