Rise

by C. J. Lau

  Chapter 15

  “Maggie!”

  Cat’s call sends me running. Packing forgotten for the time being. I ignored the study for fear of jinxing it. Knowing Cat would check the fax before she left for the hospital.

  Francis Cole’s handwriting, clearly legible on the papers, makes me rip the cover sheet aside to the page I really need.

  Round 5: Wagga Wagga

  I read, in bold letters, Goulburn 2 – Wagga 0. The news brings an instant smile, but soon, as I scan downwards from the score, a frown returns.

  “Did we win?” Cat asks. Peering over my shoulder and cheering at the result. “Read it out, Maggie.”

  I begin to read the report aloud. “Two first half goals from Martina and Sarah: only goals of the match. Second half started badly, Nancy collided with Andrea. Both running for a skied ball. Neither called for it. Both off, and play no further part in game. Brooke corks calf half way through second half: plays no further part.” The idea of three girls on the bench, when we were already three seniors short, stops my reading for a moment. “Girls defend their lead despite only 1 reserve rotation. Everyone has an injury niggle after the game. Anna, Felicity, Danielle, and Sarah all play the best I’ve ever seen. Nancy, Andrea, and Brooke have potentially serious injuries. You’ll need to check them out at the next meeting.”

  “Wow,” Cat interrupts. “Looks like they made you earn it.”

  I nod, finishing Francis’ last comments quickly. “Next opponents are Bathurst. The game played in Goulburn in July. Congratulations, Regional champion.”

  “Well done, Maggie! I’m so happy for you,” Cat says. Smile still hard to look at without getting stuck at the scar.

  She spots me looking, her hand going to her face. I open my mouth to apologise.

  “Cat, we need to go!” Ian calls to spare my blushes.

  “Coming!” Cat shouts back. “Well done. See you tonight.”

  Cat walks away. Her steps were becoming quicker and more natural with each day. Then she’ll be gone again, scars and all.

  I call Kathy with news of the team’s latest victory. She’s still my escape.

  “That’s great to hear, and about Cat too,” Kathy responds. Still sounding far off.

  The act of calling Kathy brings helpless feelings back. Solo leaving. My empty house. And I’m still not ready, try to keep it out of my voice. “So are you coming down to see us off in the morning?”

  “Sadly not, I have things to do up here. I’ll call Cat tonight to give my best wishes,” Kathy replies.

  “Okay. Thank you so much for yesterday. I don’t feel so inexperienced now.”

  Memories of yesterday’s master class bring a small smile. The girls will be all I have once Cat returns to Perth.

  “All I’ve given you are the tools you need to be a great Coach. You were always a star pupil, Maggie, if still inexperienced. Now go get the games under your belt. Apply things,” Kathy encourages. “It was brave, telling the team you want to win the State Championship. That kind of thing spreads out into the parent community and sets very high hopes.”

  I nod, realising my mistake months ago now, hoping those words don’t come back to haunt me. “Especially with Sam…” I start.

  One name all it takes for my smile to disappear. The nerves to roll back in.

  “Come on, Maggie, you’ve pretty much known since Moss Vale.” Kathy keeps up the encouragement. “Think of it as a good thing, that your team has made it this far and forced her to choose. It’s only the Captaincy she wants to give up, she’ll still be around.”

  I nod, still lost for words. Sam’s announcement had spoiled the Cowra victory for me. She wanted to resign the Captaincy to focus on her studies. Still wanted to play, but didn’t want all the other time consuming stuff that being Captain of this great team brings.

  “Maggie?” Kathy’s voice more urgent. “Do you remember what I told you to do?”

  I nod again though Kathy can’t see, hide the shakes in my voice. “Yes, Coach. Get a definite decision from her, and if she goes, make sure she’s the one who explains it to everyone.”

  Politics. Any kind of rumour that I’ve sacked Sam will put at risk everything from the Keene’s luxury transport to matches, to ice buckets for the girls. The power of perception.

  “That’s right,” Kathy encourages. “But do it in a much firmer voice than that.”

  Our laughs break the tension a little. Carol and Sam are my friends. I can do this.

  “I’ll get it done, Coach,” I say.

  “Good. I still think your bigger question is Sarah.” I can tell she hasn’t changed her mind from yesterday. “You should go with Christina.”

  If Sam went, Anna was gone too. Yes, she led in Wagga Wagga, heroically it seems, and competently in Cowra. But leadership comes at a cost to her own game. I’ve seen it, and she admitted it herself when I had asked.

  I stand my ground. “Sarah can do it. She’s got the biggest heart. I wish you could see her.”

  I can feel Kathy nodding at me, even from another city. “Your call. Luckily, demoting Anna’s not as big a deal, unfair as that might sound.”

  Politics again. The power of a surname.

  She is right to say I’ll live or die on it. But it’s my call. “Sam will be a positive influence. Nancy and Sarah will be my Captains. If….”

  “No brainer for Nancy,” Kathy pauses for a moment, weighing something up. “Do you think Sarah can go all the way?”

  Cat. Kathy’s comparing Sarah with Cat. Asking if she could be a Hockeyroo.

  I stop to think for a moment. “I do. If things fall her way.”

  “You can’t stop believing in her then. Even if she fails, or people start to doubt, you mustn’t stop trusting. It’ll kill her.” I press the phone closer, listen intently as Kathy laid out the strategy she used on a 13-year-old Cat to win her trust and build belief. All the extra hours and private sessions. The fruits of her labour on show for all to see. “Grow her confidence and hone those instincts,” Kathy advises. “That way as her body matures, her mind is one step ahead.”

  “I’ll do my best,” I say, want to write this all down. “Can’t wait to get home and start.”

  “Good luck, Maggie. I know you can do this. Just three rounds left to the finals.”

  “Thanks, Coach.” We say goodbye and hang up.

  The quirks of scheduling keep me company as I quickly scribble more Kathy wisdom into my notebook. Rounds four and five had been separated by a fortnight. Yet Round six is over a month away at the end of term. The timing might be fortunate now, knowing some of the girls have picked up injuries.

  Knowledge safely stored, I resume packing, and thinking about Cat.

  We’ve spoken so little the last few days. But what I hear worries me. Nightmares are common after such trauma, but wanting to be dead? That is a deeper concern.

  This led to another question. Cat’s been based in Perth for the last three years. Renting between tours, training sessions, and working full time. Her lease expiring two months ago.

  Where is she going to stay? I wonder. With Georgia and Ian? Goulburn seemed most likely, but if she went back to Wollongong, she’d find the world a very different place.

  I’ll find it different too, if I ever go back.

  A different kind of nerves creep in, along with a picture of home without Solo. He is gone. No phone call this time to get another chance. This time it is permanent.

  There’s plenty of time to talk to Cat on the plane ride home. So I push the thoughts aside. Georgia and I going room to room, making sure things are spotless.

  Cat and Ian return that evening with smiles and two new items. One, a compression stocking, tailored to run the length of Cat’s leg. My friend describing it as a nightmare to get on and off. The second, a custom made knee guard, or as Cat called it, “My new best friend for the rest of my playing career.”

  “Also a very kind man met us at the hospital,” Ian adds. “From Smith & Cooke, they spo
nsor the Hockeyroos, he paid for all this.”

  I wonder if this was the Keene’s, or someone from the Hockeyroos working their magic. So many cogs seeming to turn behind the scenes, all to get their champion back to Australia.

  I give Cat a hug. “How are you, Champ?”

  It looks like she’s been crying. “Scared. About tonight. About tomorrow. Worried I’m going to let everyone down. Sad I’m never going to see Trisha again.”

  My own fears seem small compared to what Cat is facing. “Want to talk?” I ask, move towards her bedroom.

  She doesn’t need a second invitation. “I’ll have the nightmares again. The psychologist said as much when I said goodbye at the hospital. And tomorrow’s the plane.” Her voice shaky with fear. “I can’t even look at a helicopter without collapsing, what the heck am I going to do on a plane?”

  A clear picture of Cat’s state of mind opens to me, for the first time since arriving. And seeing her face, I give a bigger hug. When Cat’s mind isn’t filled with fog or fear, it looks out into the unknown. Scared to close her eyes at night for not knowing where her nightmare will take her. Terrified at the prospect of flying, eyes open.

  Her fears roll on in my head. Wishing I could hug it all away.

  Had the prospect of never returning to Perth crossed her mind? Seeing how scared she was, that her body didn’t follow easy commands. At the crisp, decisive mind of an elite athlete replaced with something defective.

  The prospect of losing the career she worked all her life for would crush her.

  I wish for a way to tell her everything will be okay. That one day things would be better again. But Cat and I had long ago promised never to lie to each other. And those are the promises you keep.

  “I know how scared you are,” I say, hands on her shoulders, sitting us on the bed. “I’ve been through a thing or two this year. I can’t promise you everything’s going to be fine. But I’m going to be beside you all the way until you are back at home.”

  “Thanks, Maggie.”

  Georgia calls from the living room, “Kathy’s on the phone.”

  I take the call.

  Kathy sounds surprised, “Err… Maggie? Actually, I’m calling for Cat. Is she there?”

  “Sure,” I say, “she’s right here.”

  “Thanks. Speak to you when you get back to Oz.”

  “Okay, bye.” I hand the phone to Cat.

  “Hi, Coach. Hang on a sec,” she looks my way. “You should try to get some sleep, Maggie. See you in the morning. And thanks,” Cat sits, “I‘ve got some catching up to do, here.”

  I nod, wish everyone goodnight.

  But I can’t sleep. Most of the night spent staring at the ceiling. My brain still firing, listing my short term tasks.

  Help Cat with her compression stocking tomorrow. Do what I can to make the flight as comfortable as possible.

  Cat’s recovery can truly begin when she gets home.

  I wish my mind could have stopped there. Instead the list rolls on.

  Deliver ultimatum to Sam, bad news to Anna. Weigh up Nancy and Sarah to fill some big shoes. Nurse my wounded warriors into another massive match. Find love again.

  I cross the last one off my list. Love? When my heart lay in a thousand pieces on the floor of my empty house.

  It’s enough to make me cry. And that’s what I do until sleep finally comes.

  Everyone’s up when I wake, late, the next morning. Finally adjusting to the time zone the day I’m due to leave. Sleeping in.

  We’re on our way to London Heathrow with time to spare. Go through the motions at the airport.

  “Are you ready?” I ask Cat, our plane rolling toward the runway.

  “As ready as I’ll ever be,” she replies. “Don’t forget your promise.”

  The nightmares had come again, and Cat made me promise to keep her awake during the 18-hour flight. I agreed, reluctantly.

  I feel Cat’s hand on mine, tight, as the plane sped down the runway and into the air. Making me grimace as she squeezes harder. Relaxing only once we were cruising through the cloud cover.

  “So how are you and Solo going?” Cat asks. The plane levelling out.

  I answer quickly, not giving the pain in my chest a chance to stop me. “There is no me and Solo anymore.”

  12 hours to Bangkok. At least it will give us a chance to talk.

  Cat’s face turns grim for a moment. “You haven’t spoken about him at all. Was the distance too much?”

  My turn to be lost for words. Sorrow opening the fresh wounds in my heart, taking away the tears. I have no doubt they’ll return.

  “Solo had doubts… From the start… As soon as I got the Goulburn job he was against it. You’d expect things would work out,” I shake my head. “But it didn’t. We broke up Saturday, the day you woke up.”

  “Oh, Maggie….”

  I feel her arm around me, despite us both belted in. Making me close my eyes, harden up for the story I need to tell. “I guess things really turned for the worse in February.” I turn away, eyes finding Ian and Georgia across the aisle. “Mark came back, started dating Emma. I couldn’t get over seeing them together.” Cat’s parents in their own world with their noise-cancelling headphones. “Not a month since your accident. It kept reminding me of everything you lost.”

  The memories come fast now. What Cat says next doesn’t help.

  “So Mark is back? Wow, I remember!” I see a little twinkle in her eye at the mention of Mark. “He proposed, right. What year was that?”

  “1998. The year you got called up to the Australian team,” I answer before my nerves stop me cold.

  The question, forcing me into the past, starts a mental process I’ve been trying to suppress.

  “Anyway, you were telling the story,” Cat prompts gently, her arm still on me.

  I clench my eyes shut to try and stop the tears. Know it’s time to say it all out loud. “Solo kept saying you two had broken up years ago and I should let Emma be happy. I tried. But Emma just wanted to rub it in.”

  Cat draws a sharp breath, “Another former team-mate.”

  I keep going. “It put a lot of pressure on Solo. Making him choose. He said, Emma’s family. Didn’t want to take sides,” I stop, the scene flashing through my head. “Had to drag Emma inside once, after one of our dates.” Tears beginning to well up again. “I suppose we broke up because I told him I needed some time to consider everything.” I bite my lip to stop it trembling, just like I’d done on the phone that night. “He said he still loved me but he wouldn’t call again until I made up my mind. I spent a week missing him like crazy. Eventually, I called.”

  The raw pain of the separation is still too fresh to confront. But I’m too close to stop now. “Solo, God bless him, came out to see me one last time. I told him not to. I’d just come back from match trip and—too tired.” I lean back on the headrest and close my stinging eyes. Need a deep breath to continue. “He came anyway. I fell asleep on him, just us on the couch. When I woke up, he begged me to move back to Wollongong. One last time. I said no.”

  I turn to Cat. Eyes getting stuck on her scar for a moment, a tear matching mine, rolling down her cheek. Seeing her helps me hold things together enough to finish the story.

  “We went to lunch. Broke up in the café. Back at home, he stood at the door. Said goodbye. I stood there, crying. Then he drove off—just left me.”

  I bury my face my hands. Cat’s arm around me. Had it been there all this time?

  “It’s okay, Maggie,” Cat says softly, me crying on her shoulder. “Things always work out in the end.”

  I shake my head. Wasn’t I meant to be the one with all the faith? “I love him, Cat. As much as when we first met. But he doesn’t anymore.”

  “He does love you, Maggie,” Cat won’t let go, “but being away from each other for so long… He couldn’t cope. Then with the stress of my accident… You couldn’t cope, either. Everyone has limits.”

  I blink, reach for a ti
ssue. Guilt comes next.

  “Maybe it is my fault then? I didn’t listen, just did what I wanted. Knew what was best for me. Confident we could make it work.”

  Cat cuts me off. “It’s no one’s fault, Maggie. These things… they happen.”

  I can’t believe, not yet. “Maybe Mark was right too. Me taking things out on everybody because I don’t have my perfect little world anymore.” I point at myself, to the only brain that couldn’t move on. “It’s been four years. I’m the only one who hasn’t moved on.” Four fingers to show my point. “Even you’ve moved on Cat. So what’s wrong with me? I screw up my world, blame everybody but myself.”

  And then there was silence. Neither of us having words for the feelings in the air.

  Eventually, Cat gives my shoulder a squeeze. “Hang in there, Maggie.”

  I wish I could hug her properly in the plane seat. But there will be plenty of time for that when we land. Instead I spend several long hours thinking about Solo. Analyse every word exchanged and every action taken:

  “Don’t go,” he had pleaded, “why can’t you teach in Wollongong?”

  “The people in Goulburn know me. I feel like I belong there.”

  I countered all of his arguments and left, I own up to myself, sadly. Solo had objected from the first suggestion, but loved me too much to break it off right there and then. It had taken only months for the distance to tear us apart.

  Then Cat’s accident changed everything.

  I feel Cat’s eyes on me, but ignore her and cry quietly. More unwelcome thoughts keeping me company through the silence.

  It’s all been about Cat. Since her accident I’ve destroyed everything trying to cope without her there. The big sister I never had. But everyone else moved on when she left. Went to Perth, and then around the world, and then back to Sydney as a sporting hero.

  Why can’t you move on, Maggie? You’ve destroyed one true love, for what?

  Cat will fend for herself once she’s home. But my broken heart aches without my boyfriend.

  The nerves come back with full force. I need to rebuild my world, need to know where Cat is going to fit. I’ve flown across the world on the premise that Cat was my best friend. But I never thought about whether she sees me the same way. Especially with how she reacted to hearing Carol on the phone.

  I turn to her. “Cat. What am I to you?”

  She looks straight back at me. Frozen.

  “I mean, I shared everything with you, and you mean everything to me. Yet never once can I remember asking what I mean to you?”

  Cat keeps looking at me, unmoving.

  I go on. “You’ve been like a big sister, meeting you on the team, you helping me stick with it. My marks could have sent me to any Uni, but I went to be with you.” More memories. My parents telling me to go to Sydney and study, put my analytical mind to the test against the elite. Their disappointment when I chose Wollongong. “I don’t regret that for one moment because the path I took led me to Solo, and back to the girls.”

  I realise I’m doing all the talking. Why won’t Cat answer me?

  If she rejects me, there’ll be nothing left but dust. A lonely life in Goulburn as a PE teacher and part time hockey Coach. Dust.

  Another silent tear rolls down Cat’s face, pooling at the scar, then flowing as more tears join it. Fear replaces my nerves.

  She doesn’t make me wait much longer for an answer.

  “I love you, Maggie. You are an angel to me.”

  Her answer lets me breathe again.

  “Kathy and I talked for hours last night. She filled in lots of gaps with memories of the past. She told me about how we first met, and my brain filled in the rest.” Cat’s hand brushes a tear from her scar. “You were always so driven. I remember Wollongong. You always so stubborn when we argued. But so incredibly smart too. I remembered feeling so lucky that you chose to keep hanging around someone like me.”

  Cat’s words stop. And I’m speechless too. No help to fill the gap.

  “I always looked forward to you being my escape from people who only care about form, or fat levels, or sprint times,” she picks at her stocking with a sigh. “Yes, Trisha was a special friend and team-mate, and I miss the hell out of her. Yes, I loved Mark.” The mention of his name stops Cat, closes her eyes. “But he chose his life and I chose mine.”

  I cut in; need to ask. “Would you take him back? If Emma wasn’t—”

  She looks at me, shakes her head. “No.” Before finding her thread again, “Anyway, Carol’s my oldest friend. But you were there for so much. We’ve had so many happy, scary, special moments. I promise, there’ll be many more.”

  The fear disappears inside. “Cat, you’ve saved my life.”

  But she’s not finished. “I love everything you did when I was in a coma, checking up on me. Kathy told me about all the calls. I will be forever thankful you dropped everything and came once I woke up. Especially after what you just said about Solo.”

  This time the visions of goodbye don’t stop my words. “I needed to be here, Cat,” I jump in quickly. “For my sake.”

  Cat keeps on, words flowing quickly without breaks, like she’s never left. “You’ll never understand what seeing you brought back to me. Seeing your face that first time reminded me of so many things I was struggling to recall.” She gives me a grateful smile. “Don’t worry about Mark and Emma anymore. Thank you for being you, for being here for me.”

  A weight lifts off me. Order restored, and Cat still there.

  “Was that the answer you were after?” Cat asks, settling back into her seat.

  “You have always had the answers, Cat. Thank God that He brought you back. Solo’s gone, but you’re here.” I close my eyes, thank the Heavens. “Life will be okay, the team is still in the comp. It’s going to be great having you around again.”

  We talk the entire first leg to Bangkok. Over ten hours of conversation that fills in blanks left in Cat’s memory. Goulburn to be her home for the time being. “There’s nothing left for me in Wollongong,” she explains, bringing another smile from me.

  Cat tenses up for the landing in Bangkok, gripping my arm till I squeak, and again, for take-off for our final leg. But soon enough she’s calm again, and still talking.

  I wait patiently through the moments where her mind draws suddenly blank, a look in her eye warning me she’s lost the thread again. And I teach her a few tricks to mask it. See how that lifts her confidence, even as the blankness, and the sag in her face that comes with it, get more common with tiredness.

  On and on the flight goes. Talking until our eyelids become too heavy to hold up…

  I stir awake to the sound of Georgia’s voice, “Darling, wake up now.”

  We’ve landed in Sydney, the plane emptying quickly. I turn, find Cat sleeping calmly beside me.

  “Cat,” I touch her arm, “we’re here.”

  “Darling, it’s time to get off the plane.” Georgia shakes Cat gently, startling her awake.

  Groggily, she rubs her eyes, asks, “Where… Where am I?”

  “Sydney, darling. It’s time to get off the plane.”

  “We made it?” Cat stretching out tired muscles, “and I didn’t dream a thing?”

  “Yes. I’m so proud of you,” Georgia repeats, more urgently. “But, now it’s time to go.”

  We are the last off the plane.

  As the four of us walk through the arrivals area after clearing immigration and customs, I find the entire Keene family leaning up against the railing. “There she is. Cat! Over here!” Carol screams. “Over here, Cat!”

  “Oh my God! Carol!” Cat moves quickly, almost runs into the hug waiting for her.

  “I thought I would never see you again,” Carol hugs back. “How are you?”

  Carol gives all of us overexcited hugs as we move away from the welcome area. Then she goes back to Cat for seconds.

  “The town wants their hero back,” Carol announces, “so we’re throwing you a party. Tomo
rrow night, guest of honour.”

  I watch Cat blush, cup a hand over most of her face; her scar. Her action makes me wonder whether she is against the idea of cosmetic surgery, whether it will help her self-esteem.

  First priority is finding her a psychologist and a physio for her leg.

  Sam stands to Carol’s left, talking with a bounce, “Welcome back, Coach.”

  Bean pole. Cat’s description in England brings a chuckle, makes me see her in a whole new perspective. “How are you, Champ?” I ask.

  “I’m great, Maggie. And my exams are over ‘til the end of the year,” Sam answers. “Can’t wait to get back onto the field this weekend.”

  I follow Kathy’s advice. Be direct. No room for shaky leadership when tough journeys and tougher matches await. “Have you had any thoughts about the Captaincy?” We fall in behind the others, following the parade that’s Cat and her welcome home.

  “Not completely decided. I’m just not sure how distracted I’ll be.” Sam keeps my gaze, neck muscles rippling with each word. “Especially if we make the Finals, right before my exams.”

  I don’t answer straight away. The parade moving from the Terminal into the cool Sydney night. We follow the group. The sight of Cat and Carol, talking a million miles an hour brings a smile. Sleep’s done Cat well.

  I turn back to the talk at hand, touching Sam’s wrist with just a fingertip, holding us back a second. “I need to know soon if you don’t want to do it, Sam. I’ll need new Captains since I know Anna doesn’t want the job.” I’m firm, and I can see how it’s brought out her serious face. “Think about it. Give me a definite answer by the party tomorrow.”

  There’s no hesitation in Sam’s answer. Never is. “Okay,” she nods, before shouting makes us turn towards Carol.

  “Can the nearest Olympian and gold medallist please rise!” Carol’s shouting echoes over the car park.

  “Right here!” Cat throws her arms up, cheering.

  Everyone burst into laughter.

  Part 2: New Beginnings