A Trashy Affair

by Shurr, Lynn

  “So I’ve heard.” Jane’s brain churned desperately trying to produce an excuse not to grant May her wish. She wanted to say that she and Merlin were a couple, hardly the case since the Thanksgiving debacle. No, couldn’t use that reason.

  “He wouldn’t build her a house away from the funeral home and made her sign a prenup. That floozy only gave him a few of years of her life. Neither one of his wives had any interest in having children. Waldo is all alone, like me.”

  “Neither of you are alone. You both have Jethro and Spring, Wendy and her three daughters. I can tell the girls love you.” How they felt about their uncle was another matter entirely. Jane overheard one of them call him “Creepy Uncle Waldo” just this afternoon.

  “Wendy, sweet as she is, is part of the problem. When that baby girl came along ten years after Waldo, Spring simply stopped paying much attention to her son.”

  “Spring and Wendy do have a lot in common, I could tell. They both have those light blue eyes and sunny natures, always smiling and joking, at least here at the party. Waldo is more like his father. Maybe that’s why.”

  “Yes, Waldo is Jethro’s son all right. That’s why he needs someone like you who is cheerful and positive to bring out the best in him. Please, Jane. May I tell my nephew you’d like him to call for a date?”

  “Like might be implying too much. Just say I’ll go out with him if he wants.”

  “Thank you, dear.” May gave Jane a peck on the cheek and left a small smear of coral lipstick behind.

  The youngest grandniece poked her curly head into the kitchen. “Come on, Auntie May. Grandma says the car is all packed. We’re waiting.”

  This time, May used the backdoor. With dread of the call from Waldo occupying her mind, Jane wandered toward the living room intending to pick up any party trash left behind. Before she arrived, Angela Savoy stepped out of her library.

  “Oh, Angie, I thought you’d left with the others. Come back to the kitchen and take some of these leftovers home to Chad.”

  “I have to talk to you. I guess being Catholic, I need to confess.”

  Jane drew back. “Not to me! Tell a priest.”

  “I have, but I can’t make things right again. Oh, Jane, I’m the one who left that ugly note on Nadia’s desk and got May fired. I didn’t mean to. I only wanted to get back at the Nixster for what she said to me. Now, I’ve messed up your career, too. You can’t do both jobs. Everyone knows Nadia is gunning for you next. Look, anytime you need to work on a project, I’ll fill in at the reception desk if I possibly can.” Angela wrung her hands in front of her belly, a little pudgy despite her dieting.

  “From what you say, Chad makes good money and can support you. Why not go in, tell Nadia, and get it off your chest? Yes, she will fire you on the spot, but maybe May and I can get back to our old jobs. I am sure the retirement paperwork hasn’t gone through yet. Besides, you do have some business school training. If you want to work again, I’ll give you a reference.”

  “I can’t get fired, Jane. I’m pregnant. They won’t let me get on Chad’s insurance for six months until pre-existing conditions are ruled out.” Angela patted that poochy belly tenderly. “The baby pre-existed the wedding, too. I mean, we were getting married anyhow, so I thought, why not? That’s what we should name the kid, Whynot Savoy.”

  “Oh, don’t stick a child with a name like that! It might turn out like Waldo Robin. Weird names, not good.” Jane simply couldn’t shake the idea of the upcoming date with the undertaker, even with this startling confession to provide a distraction.

  “Creepy, isn’t he? May kept trying to fix me up with him before I got engaged to Chad. She said Waldo was his grandfather’s name and her brother, Jethro, insisted on using it. I heard her talking you into a date with him. Loud as she is, maybe her hearing is going. Pauvre bête as my mawmaw would say.”

  After this expression of sympathy, Angela raced along nearly breathless in her haste to convince Jane not to turn her in to the CAO. “Anyhow, I’ve been trying to keep my weight down so no one will know for a while. Even with my husband’s good salary, having a baby without insurance will put us in the hole so I have to use my parish health insurance. Please, please understand why I can’t tell Nadia now. After the baby comes, I plan to quit anyhow. I’ll make things right then. I promise.”

  “Too late for May by then, though maybe she should get free of the council office, but I guess I can hold out against Nadia for a few more months if you help me at the desk.” For the second time today, Jane knew she shouldn’t promise a friend anything. “How far along are you?” she belatedly asked.

  “At the end of my fourth month. Only five more to go. I might have to name the baby after you if it’s a girl.”

  “Oh, don’t do that. Just have a fine, healthy baby—and stop dieting.”

  “Great, I’ve been starving for the last month. Thank you, Jane.” Angela added a dab of sparkling pink lipstick to Jane’s cheek before dashing to the car in case her friend might change her mind and call Nadia if she didn’t hurry and escape.

  A crackly voice hailed Jane from the depths of the overstuffed chair in the living room. “I’m still here. My ride ain’t shown yet. Couldn’t help but eavesdrop since I can’t get up without some help.”

  Olive Tauzin, she’d forgotten all about her. During the party the women took turns sitting by the elderly woman’s side to talk. Wendy’s girls ferried food and drink to Miss Olive so the old lady didn’t have to get up. Unabashed, Olive informed everyone in the group that she had her Depends on and could have as much coffee as she wanted. Jane had greeted her upon arrival and got Olive settled before her hostess duties kicked in, but whenever she looked over at that white head, the woman appeared to be having a fine time.

  “You know, cher heart, you too nice to people. Both that Angie and May just played you good.”

  “Oh, I don’t think so. Angela is genuinely afraid, and medical costs are nothing to overlook, especially when a couple is only starting out.”

  “Then, she should of thought first before she played that joke. Now, you and May are paying the price. Not to mention May Robin used your guilt to get Waldo a date. She always had a loud voice, and the years haven’t made it any softer. Unlike me, maybe her hearing is going. I can still listen to a cockroach scuttle across a tile floor and nail it with my slipper from bed.”

  “They have cockroaches at Magnolia Villa?” The thought appalled Jane who wondered if she should speak to the management at the place.

  “Not so many. Those big ones get in during summertime no matter what anyone does. They don’t like the heat no more than the rest of us. The Villa sprays, but I consider a quick death by shoe or slipper better for all concerned. I have days I wish le Bon Dieu would stomp on me and get it over with. You got any more coffee?”

  “I’ll get you a cup. And Miss Olive, I think you still have plenty of life left in you.”

  Olive Tauzin shot out her little bird claw of a hand and kept Jane from leaving on her caffeine run. “I thought you and my Merlin had something going on, you know. Now you gonna dump him for Cold Hands Waldo?”

  “Lord, no! Since I promised May, I’ll have to go out with him once and once only, I swear. May cares a lot about her nephew and is trying to help him meet someone.”

  “Ha! That’s her own guilt working on her. Wendy is adopted, and May helped her sister-in-law get a girl child. That pretty baby put Waldo in the shade, not that he wasn’t lurking there already even at ten. Funny you going on and on about how much Wendy looks and acts like Spring Robin. I swear half the people in this parish don’t know who their daddy is and a few don’t know their mamas, neither. I do, but I’m not saying. Now about you and my grandson…”

  “As for me and Merlin, I think your grandson took what he wanted and left.”

  “Got in your panties, huh? Well, I take that as a good sign for both of you. He ain’t shown much interest in women since he mustered out of the army. Before he enlisted he liked
the ladies fine and often. The military made him grow up some, but this keeping to himself ain’t like him, no.”

  “Really glad I could help him with that problem,” Jane said with a little taste of sarcasm tainting her statement. Miss Olive didn’t appear to notice.

  “And you, Jane, nice, pretty girl drying on the vine. By your age, the only unmarried men left in Chapelle to date are divorced or perverts. That Waldo, a man who can’t hold on to a wife: who knows what he does with those corpses? I told Merlin, you don’t take me to his funeral home when I die. Get me cremated and scatter me in the bayou right behind this house. That’s where I belong. Pope don’t like it, too bad. I figure le Bon Dieu be able to find me no matter where I’m resting.”

  Jane shook her head. “I’m only twenty-four, Miss Olive, not forty. I still have lots of time to find a man if I want to marry. Let me get you that coffee? How do you take it?”

  “Black as the Devil’s soul and sweet enough to save him. Real sugar, none of that fake stuff that’s putting the cane farmers out of business.”

  Jane tried to move away, but Olive held on to her arm with surprising strength. “Don’t give up on Merlin. I’m asking you, Jane. He needs you way more than Waldo Robin and can make you a happy life together once he gets over the war.”

  At last, she released Jane, but a van pulled into the drive and tooted its horn before the coffee delivery. A moment later, one of the aides from Magnolia Villa pounded on the front door. A burly, black woman, she carried a folding wheelchair.

  “Miss Olive, I’m gonna put you in this to hurry things up a little bit since I got two more to pick up after. Ma’am, could you bring the walker?”

  “Shit, back to decaf,” Olive mumbled. “Sorry, for the merde mouth, Jane.” As the aide lifted her frail body and strapped her into the chair, she said in parting, “You give Merlin another chance, you hear?”

  This time, Jane made no promises. Hadn’t Merlin’s granny said she’d been suckered twice already today? She followed Olive to the van and handed the walker to the aide to stow. Miss Olive couldn’t get a hold on her belted into her seat as she was, but she still leaned forward and said, “Swear you will, Jane,” almost desperately.

  Jane sighed. What did one more promise matter? She would keep Angela’s secret, go out once with Waldo no matter how much he repelled her, and make one more attempt to show her interest in Merlin Tauzin. “I will.”

  Olive leaned back in her seat like a sleepy child suddenly out of energy. “Now I can die happy. Take me back to the Villa, Melba.”

  “You ain’t dying, Miss Olive. You just got the osteoporosis and too much sugar and caffeine in yo’ system. Now, you behave for me.” The driver got behind the wheel and took her charge away.

  Jane returned to her kitchen to continue the cleanup. Really, her guests hadn’t left much for her to do. They’d taken their dishes with them and filled her storage containers with an excess of food, now stacked in her refrigerator. She put plastic wrap over the generous chunk of cake Spring left on the table. Her portion read, “Happy.” “Retirement” had gone home with May. Happy, that remained to be seen. She sure wasn’t thrilled about going out with Waldo or throwing herself at Merlin again or being a receptionist/environmental project manager.

  By the time she’d policed the house and found all the stray paper cups and crumpled napkins, emptied her regular waste cans full of party plates gooey with frosting, darkness prevailed outside her door. Leery of snakes, she hauled the bulging bags of trash to the rejected green receptacle. At least, she could use it for storage until the new can arrived.

  Before she could stop herself, she stepped out of the shadow of the old pecan tree and looked across the way to Merlin’s townhouse. A lamp burned in his presumed bedroom window. So, he’d finished his shift and come home. No flowers sent to her after Thanksgiving. No phone call to see how she did or if the party went well even though the hour wasn’t that late. Sure, Merlin Tauzin could make her happy in at least one way, but great sex one time did not a relationship make. Okay, tomorrow after work, she would take him a plate of party leftovers, fulfill her vow to Miss Olive to make an effort, and consider that promise complete. She walked back with hands fisted at her waist simply daring any lowdown snake to get in her way and slammed the kitchen door.

  ****

  Merlin saw Jane appear briefly by the side of the house as he sat in his dark living room with the TV for company and a second beer in his hand. By the light of her driveway lantern, he watched her stare in his direction, then put her hands on her hips and stamp back to her door. He could tell she was pissed, probably at him for leaving the way he did. He had no words to explain that didn’t seem cowardly, so no sense in calling her.

  Doubting that flowers would smooth over his actions either, he finished his drink and went to get another using the illumination seeping from his open bedroom door upstairs to find his way. He half hoped Jane would encounter some nasty wildlife on her way to the kitchen and she’d call for help, but that shotgun slam of the door probably scared off any critter within a mile. Just went to show he wasn’t the man he used to be, or he’d go right over there and say, “Baby, I’m back,” watch her get mad for calling her “baby” and his casual attitude. Then, he’d kiss that angry snarl right off her face and take her to bed. But, not tonight, maybe never.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Monday, and Nadia Nixon waiting by the time clock. What a great way to start a work week. Jane pasted a pleasant smile on her face and handed the CAO a paper plate bearing a large chunk of retirement cake before she reached for her time card.

  “What’s this?” By Nadia’s grim expression, Jane surmised people rarely brought her treats unless they made her a special Ex-lax brownie which the woman both needed and deserved.

  “A piece of May’s retirement cake. Since I knew you were running a marathon this weekend from the staff newsletter, I didn’t bother to invite you, but a good time was had by all.”

  “It says ‘Happy’ on it. What’s that supposed to mean?”

  “That someone else took home the ‘Retirement’ part. Enjoy!”

  Happy that you got rid of an old woman who loved her job, happy that the proposal to clean up the oil well site would probably be sent in late and thus earn a rejection, happy that you can screw up people’s lives at will. Thinking all of the above, Jane moved past the woman who looked like she’d been built of bricks to go to her office.

  “Wrong turn, Marshall. You need to be out here to take calls and greet the public, remember?”

  “Just going to put away my purse and lunch bag and transfer some files over to this computer first.”

  “It’s seven-thirty. We’re open, and the phone is ringing. Assume your position.”

  Jane wanted to retort, “On my knees and under your desk?” but she buried the urge beneath her triple mantra of mortgage payment, car loan, renovation costs, and took her seat in May’s ancient chair. The first calls she fielded, easy enough transfers to various staff members. Most of the desk action consisted of buzzing employees in and out of the inner offices. Unable to get at her files, she had plenty of time to muse that if a psychotic gunman broke into the courthouse and tried to slay Nadia, Woof, or an ex-wife, she’d be the first one to die when the rampage began. How did May endure this? Maybe she had less imagination to run rampant.

  Evidently, the riled and the crazy got up a little later in the day. A commuter on his way to Lafayette nearly hit a cow in the road. “Living or dead,” Jane asked logically.

  “What difference does that make? Stupid beast very nearly got me killed.”

  “Well, I either call animal control to wrangle it or public works to clean up the mess.”

  “It stood in the center of the Old Chapelle Road and threatened my vehicle near the abandoned Cajun racetrack. How about I go back and shoot it? That should solve your dilemma.”

  Monday and lack of coffee made some people testy. She headed down that path herself. “Alive, then
. I will take care of it. Thank you for calling the Ste. Jeanne d’Arc parish council office.” She passed the information on to Animal Control.

  The next, a woman’s thin, hysterical voice whispering into the phone, “The aliens who can see through my walls are going to bomb the library. You must stop them.”

  Jane got her address and debated whether to call the cops or the EMT’s. Someone forgot to take their meds this morning. She settled on the police in case the bomb might have a real basis. They were not happy about the alert.

  “That’s old Rachael. She calls with these loony tips twice a week. May never bothered us with them.”

  Still, the woman needed help. Jane asked for an ambulance to be sent to that address. And so it went all morning. Angela spelled her at ten-thirty, allowing Jane to fill her coffee mug and transfer her files onto a flash drive she could use on May’s computer or at home. Clearly, she’d have to do the Super Fund proposal on her own time if this were a typical day. Pictures needed to be taken of the site, but how to get out from behind the reception desk? She guessed she could do the photos on Saturday. Taking a second cup of coffee with her, she assumed her position again.

  Nadia checked on her briefly under the guise of using the public restroom across from the desk. Jane had her proposal up on the computer and worked away diligently, refusing to glance up. On her way back into the maze of offices, the CAO leaned over the reception desk to stare at the screen and spied the coffee mug.

  “Unprofessional, drinking coffee where the public can see you, and if you swill free coffee all day, you’ll have to pee and leave your desk.”

  “Like you just did? Don’t you have a restroom near your office? Wouldn’t it be more efficient if you used that one?”

  “Where I choose to void is not your business. In the future, confine yourself to one cup of coffee on each break and use those breaks and your lunch hour for your bathroom visits.”