“Ryan, what’s going on?”
“Nothing. I’m sorry. I don’t mean to cry. This is great news. You caught me off guard that’s all. I’m really happy for you.”
“Yeah?”
She grips my hand and squeezes it, a nod to her head. “Yeah.”
“Okay, good, because you being on board with this means a lot to me.”
She takes in a deep breath and then lets it out. When she looks at me, her eyes shine and her lips curve up at the ends, but it’s not a smile that reaches her eyes. There is a sense of sadness behind it. I know she’s expressed wanting to find someone, someone who is going to treat her well. I never thought this might make her feel bad.
“I’m on board.”
Thinking about how this might affect her, I consider doing this myself. I mean, I have some pretty solid ideas, so this shouldn’t be a big deal. I just don’t want to set Ryan back. She’s made so much progress in not going out with the wrong guy, in focusing on herself. Will this hit her too hard?
“You know, you have a lot going on, I shouldn’t—”
She squeezes my hand again and reassures me. “I’m on board, Colby. Let’s get you engaged.”
Feeling a shit ton of emotions, I pull her into my embrace and kiss the top of her head, so grateful for this woman in my life. “That means a lot, Ryan. A whole fucking lot.”
Chapter Eighty-Eight
RYAN
I feel dead inside.
Like the world is spinning around me in hyper speed, but I’m going at slow motion. Walking is an effort, breathing I have to think about, and food, I don’t know what that is anymore.
A few weeks ago, I realized I was in love with my best friend. There was no denying it, no stopping it. The realization hit me like a Mack truck going eighty on a highway.
Bam.
I love Colby.
It hit me so hard that it took me a few days to catch my breath, to recover. I didn’t know what to do with the information. I didn’t know how to act around him, or what to say in text messages. I felt like anything I said or did, he would figure it out, that if he lifted the thin veil I was trying to use to cover my emotions, he would see it plain as day.
Ryan is in love with Colby.
But he didn’t.
Even after getting a tattoo, he didn’t see the look of love in my eyes, the outpouring of adoration like a tidal wave the moment he revealed my tattoo, the meaning behind it, the confidence he has in me. How can someone be so good, so kind, so thoughtful, and truly not love me back? Why again, am I second place?
All I wanted to do in that moment was bury myself in his arms, tilt my head up ever so slightly, cup his cheeks with my hands, and kiss him relentlessly. I wanted to show him how much of an impact he’s made in my life and how much I truly love him.
I never got the chance.
I never will.
Not when he’s dating Sage.
Beautiful, stunningly amazing, sweet Sage.
I can’t even be mad about them being together, because they really are the perfect match. She’s strong and confident, the type of girl he needs in his line of work. And I’ve tried to hate her. I’ve forced myself to sneer whenever I see her, but it’s impossible. Freaking impossible. She so easily captures you with her endearing attitude and the cute way she adjusts her glasses. I get it. I get why Colby loves her.
I’m mad that I didn’t do anything before he met her, that I didn’t try to start something up with him.
But then again, after the wedding, I had no idea the kind of bond we’d have. The kind of bond that would ignite my soul and make me feel so damn alive that I didn’t think it was possible to love anyone but him.
And yet, here I am, a champagne bottle with cups in my backpack, a camera ready and poised, and hiking behind Colby and Sage, who are cutely holding hands, as we make our way through the beautiful Red Rock Canyon.
It’s all a ruse. Sage has no idea. I “invited” them on a hike with a little picnic of cheese, crackers, and fruit. We jokingly called it a threesome that I laughed at, even though the smile never touched my soul.
I haven’t talked to anyone about my feelings. What would I really say at this point? That I’m in love with my best friend and he’s about to propose to his girlfriend, what should I do?
Tell him it’s a mistake.
Make a distraction.
Roll my ankle.
Do anything to stop this from happening, and when I’m alone with him, tell him.
Tell him I love him more than anything and want nothing more than to spend the rest of my life showing him how special he is to me. How perfectly we fit.
With every forward step I take, it feels like I’m walking the plank, waiting for that moment when Colby drops to his knee, pulls out the ring—the gorgeous, blinding ring—and asks Sage to be his wife.
With every step forward, I consider what I should do, if I should stop him. If I should pull him to the side and talk to him, tell him: maybe you need to think about this a little longer.
Maybe you don’t propose.
Maybe you choose me.
Maybe you give us a chance.
The decision to stop him is so heavy in my heart that I begin to gather the courage to do it, to talk to him.
Just a few more steps up.
I can do this. He needs to know all the facts before making this decision. It’s only fair.
I take a few seconds to catch my breath, to realize the enormity of what I’m about to do, psyching myself up to possibly destroy Colby’s plans when I look up to find Colby and Sage, hands linked, the Las Vegas skyline behind them, looking so in love.
And as he takes a knee in front of her, my heart sinks to the ground just as Sage’s hands fly to her mouth, complete shock falling over her perfect features.
I watch in slow motion—and somehow remember to take pictures—as Colby talks about his love for Sage, how she’s changed his life, how he wants nothing more than to spend the rest of his life with her by his side.
He wants nothing more than to spend the rest of his life with Sage by his side.
Nothing. More. Than. Sage.
I’m a complete and utter mess on the inside.
Sage reacts with tears, happy tears, nodding, a faint yes passing her lips before he slips the ring on her finger. I continue to take pictures, my brain on autopilot, as the world around me starts to fade, the vibrant colors of the rock and landscape turning into a muted brown.
Silence rings through my ears. The only thing I can hear is the cracking of my own heart as I watch Colby pick Sage up and spin her around, her happy cries vaguely pushing past the silence in my head.
She cups his face and brings her lips to his, and they passionately kiss, their mouths molded, made for one another, their connection true.
And as their figures start to fade, my ability to focus drowning in my sorrow, I feel an overwhelming sense of doom spread over my body. Despite all the lovely words, despite trying to face the world rather than hide behind the façade of makeup, despite the sentiment behind the tattoo, despite the many hours I’ve spent with my best friend, I’m not the one he loves. Not the one who is enough.
You’re never going to be enough.
His type isn’t you.
You’re no one’s type.
My soul blackens, dying in this very moment.
The man I’m in love with is getting married, and it’s not to me.
Part Four
The Right Side of Forever
Chapter Eighty-Nine
COLBY
“To Colby and Sage.”
“To Colby and Sage,” everyone cheers and clinks glasses.
When I told Balboa about my plans to ask Sage to marry me, he insisted on throwing a little gathering the following day to celebrate. I told him he could as long as none of that grapefruit beer was offered. Thankfully, he took custom beer orders and promised if I made an honest woman out of his sister, he would get me whatever beer I wanted.
Arm wrapped around my waist, Sage takes a sip of her champagne I requested for her and looks up at me, love in her eyes.
She said yes.
She fucking said yes.
I’m on top of the world.
After we hiked back down the mountain, we parted ways with Ryan—but not before going over the pictures one more time—and then spent the night together, making love and staring at her ring. Fuck, it was amazing.
Speaking of Ryan.
I look around the party and don’t see her blonde head or hear her addictive laugh. I thought she’d be here. Turning toward Sage, I ask, “Have you seen Ryan?”
She scans the space as well. “I haven’t. Rocky told her about the party, right?”
“I thought he did. Shit. Balboa.” I nod for him to come over. When he reaches us, I say, “Did you invite Ryan?”
“Yeah. Is she not here?”
“I don’t see her.” Maybe she’s running late.
I take out my phone and send her a quick text.
Colby: I thought you were coming to the party tonight. Where are you?
I keep my phone in my hand in case she texts back and walk to one of the outdoor couches, taking Sage with me. She sits on my lap and brings her head down on my shoulder.
“I still can’t believe you proposed.”
“Why not?” I press a quick kiss against her lips.
“I don’t know. You surprised me.”
“Good, that’s what’s supposed to happen.”
My phone buzzes in my hand and I open the text from Ryan.
Ryan: Sorry, got called into work. Hope you guys have fun.
My brow pinches together, confusion written across my forehead, as I read her text over again. She was called in? When has she ever been called in to work?
“What’s wrong?” Sage asks.
“Ryan. She’s not coming tonight. Said she was called in.”
“Oh no. I have something to give her,” Sage says, disappointed. “I hate that she works nights. It makes it so hard to get together with her especially when I have to work during the day.”
“Yeah, her schedule sucks.”
“Ah, we’re getting married,” Colt says, running and tackling us on the couch. “I can’t believe it’s finally happening. I’ve waited so long for this day.”
Sage laughs, and the sound usually warms me from the inside out, but it doesn’t right now. I’m concerned.
Ever since I told Ryan I was going to propose, she’s been a little off, not her usual outgoing and fun self. More quiet and subdued. I first told myself it’s possibly she was a little shocked, or maybe because her love life wasn’t where she wanted it to be, but now, I’m thinking it’s something else. She would have never missed this party. Or at least she would have told me she was missing it and apologized profusely, because that’s how we are with each other. We depend on each other and when we can’t be there, we let one another know.
Everything feels fucking weird.
Needing some breathing space, I kiss Sage on the cheek and say, “I’m going to go check on something. I’ll be back, okay?”
“Yup.” She presses her lips against mine one more time and then slides onto the couch, letting me get up. Colt gives me knuckles as I pass him.
I make my way through the house and out the front door where I sit on the steps, music and voices sounding off in the backyard. I lean against the porch post and look to the sky.
I’m excited. I’m happy. I’m fucking engaged, but a little part of me doesn’t feel right, like it’s missing, and until that part finds its way back, I won’t feel whole.
I think that part is Ryan.
I decide to text her back.
Colby: Is everything okay? You’ve been a little quiet lately.
I usually hear from you about ten times a day.
I press send and kick my legs up on the porch, sitting sideways and resting my head.
Fuck, I’m tired. I feel like all the excitement, long hours, and late nights are coming to a screaming crash, exhausting my body, draining everything from my limbs.
I can’t remember the last time I took vacation days and with a TDY looming ahead, I don’t foresee myself taking time off anytime soon. At least my TDY is stationed in Colorado Springs. Seeing Stryder will be a welcomed relief, someone from my past, someone who knows me so fucking well. Maybe it will be a good refresher.
My phone buzzes in my hand, and I quickly read the text message.
Ryan: Just busy.
I drag my hand over my face. Something is definitely wrong.
Colby: Don’t lie to me, Ryan. Something is up. Why won’t you tell me? We tell each other everything.
Ryan: Everything is good, Colby. Don’t worry about me.
Colby: Well, I am worried about you.
Ryan: No need. I’m good. How’s the party?
Of course. She always deflects when she doesn’t want to talk about real-life things. Normally I would push her more, try to drag the truth out of her, but I feel like our relationship is fragile for some unknown reason, and I don’t want to fuck it up. So I take the opportunity she’s giving me now.
Colby: It’s all right.
Ryan: Just all right?
Colby: Good beer, good food. Would be more fun if you were here.
Ryan: Ah, looking for the life of the party, huh? Isn’t Rowdy there?
I smile to myself, relieved she’s talking to me, relieved there is humor in her texts, relieved that, for a moment, I feel a weight lift off my chest.
Colby: He is, but he’s being a Debbie Downer, sulking in the corner. Pretty sure it’s because he wanted TDY in Colorado Springs.
Ryan: Oh I forgot you’re leaving soon.
Colby: Yeah, and I better see your ass a few times before I leave.
Ryan: My ass? Aren’t you an engaged man? You really shouldn’t be sexting with a single lady.
Colby: And there she is, the sassy girl I’ve been missing.
Ryan: She didn’t go anywhere. But yes, if you want to see my ass, just ask and let me know thong or granny panty.
Colby: You’re ridiculous.
Ryan: So I take that as granny panty.
Colby: Always thong, Ryan. Always thong.
Ryan: Some things never change.
Colby: When do I get to see you?
Ryan: I’ll have my secretary finalize a date with you. I’m a hot commodity these days.
Colby: Still full of yourself.
Ryan: Hey, trying to stay on the left side here.
Colby: Always stay on the left side. It’s the most beautiful.
Ryan: So you keep telling me. Hey, I have to run, makeup emergency.
Colby: Let me guess, an eyelash fell off?
Ryan: Something like that.
Colby: When do I get to see you, seriously?
Ryan: Uh, I don’t know. I’ll think about it and let you know tomorrow. How does that sound?
Colby: Don’t avoid me.
Ryan: Couldn’t if I wanted to. Have a great party, Colby. XO
Sighing, I set my phone next to me and lean back on the post, a smile curving my lips, as I start to feel a little more whole again. It’s funny how much one person can impact your status quo. I need to know . . . I need to know she’s okay. And that we’re going to be okay.
And I think we are.
Chapter Ninety
RYAN
“Do you want more salad?” Leah asks, hovering above me with a bowl in hand.
My plate is full, my chicken’s cold, my salad’s wilted, and the only thing touched on my side of the table is the water in the tall glass.
“No, I’m okay.”
She sets the bowl on the table and sighs, resting back in her chair. Arms folded over her chest, she stares at me, her gaze not letting up. She’s going to ask, I know she is. Leah has been a pretty decent friend out here. She’s always been there when I’ve needed her even when she
’s been occupied with her new boyfriend, Tyler. But when I asked her if I could come over tonight when she knew I had an engagement party to attend, she kept quiet.
Until now.
It’s on the tip of her tongue.
And yet, I don’t want to talk.
I don’t want to really do anything at this point.
When Colby texted me, asking where I was, I felt so guilty lying to him about being called in for work, but there was no way I would have been able to attend their engagement party and put on a happy face. Not when I feel like my heart has broken into a million unfixable pieces.
I need some time to let my mind adjust to what’s happening. Colby’s marrying Sage.
Even knowing that, it’s still incredibly hard for me to comprehend. It feels like it came out of nowhere. They haven’t been dating that long, have they? I knew things were going well for them, but that well?
Married?
God, I want to go cry in my bed. Coming here was a big mistake, especially with Leah staring me down, wondering why I haven’t eaten any of my food, or why I’ve only been silently texting.
“Are you going to make me ask?” Leah finally breaks the silence.
I shake my head. “You don’t need to.”
“Are you going to talk then?”
I shake my head again and lean back in my chair. “I don’t want to.”
“Well, that’s not good enough. I made you dinner, not that you touched it. You’ve lost weight, and there are some serious bags under your eyes. You were supposed to go to that engagement party, but now you’re not. What happened?”
“Nothing.”
“Ryan, I swear to God, don’t tiptoe around this. I know something is up, so instead of keeping it inside of you, talk to me, talk to someone. Does Colby know what’s going on?”
My throat begins to tighten, his name hitting me like a sucker punch to the gut. Of course Leah would ask if Colby knows, because pretty much everyone here knows Colby is my go-to guy, the one I rely on for everything. They know he’s my best friend; they just don’t know that I’ve fallen for him, and fallen hard. And that soon, he won’t be my go-to guy anymore, because that wouldn’t be right. In some ways, it’s like losing Rory again to Stryder. Our friendship is still great, probably because we’re women. But I’m no longer her person, understandably. And being really honest with myself, I can’t be Colby’s person, because that’s not fair to Sage.
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